lulu1974

I feel like I am moving on with my life and have some happiness. But at times I have guilt. Not sure why. Is this a codie thing? How to overcome this?

Hugs
Lulu

Bolina

Hmm, my instictive response may not be repeated on here.

Think back to before you met him. Did you feel guilty about him not enjoying life then?

Fast forward to 30 years from now. How do you think you will feel?

His life is not for you to live.

Trying2Fly

Hi Lulu,

I understand the guilt thing...it's something I find myself struggling with on and off as I move on and AS stays behind. I try to remind myself that I deserve happiness and peace in my life, just as she does (and hopefully will one day discover on her own). Reading the posts on here helps keep me grounded, too. And I sometimes find that if I give myself "permission" to do something, I feel better about it (i.e. "I give myself permission to not think about AS today because thinking about her is causing me to have stress, and I don't need to feel stressed today because I need to focus on A, B, C...")

Wishing you hugs and good thoughts. Keep moving forward!

lulu1974

Yeap..as always you are right. I am out of my comfort zone of pain and misery. Last time I had fun was 5 years ago. I can barely remember who I was. I has such an INCREDIBLE weekend but still a bit depressed. But now I can admit I am scared. Now how to overcome fear. Thank you anvilhead....

lulu1974

Nope..I didnt care what he did before we dated..and even when we were actively morning..
Truthfully I am guilty other guys are paying attention to me. But he is dating someone for months. I think I am scared to move on and have happiness..I am soooooo used to misery and pain and an empty marriage/

Bolina

This is about YOU, not about him.

So, talk to us about the fear.

lulu1974

The fear. I am not doing so great at work and an nervous about that. But I want to change my job and go back to NYC where most of my life well happy life is. But scared of the job market.
I am scared he ruined me for anyone else.
I am scared I dont know exactly who I am. Or maybe I do I just dont like myself cause I married an A. Where was my brain?
I am scared other men will find me a freak
I am scared to think of a possible future with someone else.
I am scared I wont make it without him even though he made me miserable..He was my person.
I am scared cause I get very lonely and feel I shouldnt ans should be stronger than that.
So pretty scared.

LaTeeDa

First thing I noticed was that most of those are either about him or a potential someone.

The one above especially jumped out at me. I once believed that I could never be happy without a man in my life. Do you believe that? I'm here to tell you--it's not true.

For me, it was conditioning that I got in my childhood (mostly from my mother).

L

lulu1974

You may be onto something because I remember I used to feel happy by myself. I used to do stuff around the house, call friends and be happy. Something changed though. Maybe its as simple as I got used to living with someone and now being alone is something I need to get used too? Or maybe it is a childhood thing.

Kassie2

Whatever the reason for the feeling notice it - go with it - and then let go of it. The codie thing can be mostly when you are thinking about him instead of you. If you are having fun - enjoy. (and by the way - hasn't he been moving on without you)

lulu1974

Yes he has so that is why this is so weird!! Why am I guilty?? lol

Bolina

Just after I left my ex and was feeling a little like you, I remember watching an end of season sports show where it went between lots of different stadia, homing in on the crowd and panning back to show the whole crowd. At lots of different grounds. And I realised how many men were in those crowds, who weren't my ex, whose lives I knew nothing about, whose lives I cared nothing about beyond human compassion should I have known the details.

I felt myself swoop way back and see the bigger picture. Can you do that?

lulu1974

Yes..big picture is he sucked. And I am not taking very good care of me. In time, I hope to never ever think of him. He certainly doesnt deserve space in my head.

lulu1974

well. that is true but am tired at my age of not going out and meeting people. it makes me feel better. I want to feel like me again...

SheCanRun

I am starting to feel this way too as things begin to get slightly better for me and as I start to let go and move forward.

Thanks for posting.