Gypsy Feet

ok, so I have this friend (ok, guy I dated for a few weeks, months ago) who has 25+ years sober and is a big fan of AA. He has decided my program is not up to snuff, and will not stop harping on me about the danger I am in. I am trying really hard not to let it bother me, and to try and remember he thinks what he is doing is right BUT

he is driving me nuts. I have told him how much his negativity and chicken little behavior is bothering me. I have asked him to keep his fears to himself. HE CANT STOP.

My sponsor agrees this is not about me, but something going on in his own head.

what can I say, supported by AA traditions, to get this guy to stop? He says things like "It will be sad to see you fall" and "when I see a friend walking on the cliffs edge, it is my job to say something" and then he will go on to list all of the people he tried to warn before, who didnt listen and ended up drunk. . .

uhg.

yeahgr8

I'd listen to your sponsor, had she suggesteed anything else than ignore him? Is he sayins anything constructive about your program, i.e. hurry up with steps x or pray more etc, or is it just nagging?

I'm afraid with the best will in the world the dating thing will somehow figure in this...i understand why people date in the rooms everyone gets lonely but things like this do happen unfortunately...its happened to me at work in the past and when she gets dumped slowly im not doing the job right anymore...same thing..i think they call it shitting on your own doorstep;-)

Hope it gets some resolution for you soon, may just be a grin and bare it thing until his next love comes along?

Peter

Try and avoid him if you can. Don't take his calls.

He will get tired eventually and find someone else to harass.

Ananda

sometimes the appropriete response is "shut the Fck up"

or hanging up

or telling someone you don't choose to be around them anymore.

He may be doing what is right for him, but its the sort of thing that a friend can tell me occationally if they feel compelled...but going on and on about it...well...others cannot walk my path for me just as i cannot walk theirs for them...

When someone shares with me that they feel i am in peril...I need to first listen to them and hear them out...(sometimes i do this and sometimes i don't..working on it)

Then, after prayer and meditation....I see what i can see and hear what i can hear of their message...

I just don't see much point in a constant barage of someone trying to "fix me"...it may me that i'm missing the trip, but it certainly is harming them to stay stuck in my program like that.....

Music

Thanks for your concern. Work your own program and allow me to work mine.

Although the above isn't found in tradition as far as I know, it's worked for me and my wife since we came to AA. We stay out of each other's business. Unless/Until one of us drinks, how I work my program is no one's business, not even hers. We do talk and discuss things but only when asked. By the way, nothing your bf says or does is going to keep anyone from drinking if that person has made up his mind to drink. I'd say he needs to check his ego.

Freedom1990

Agreed. If that doesn't work for you, GF, I'd say cutting all contact would be the next step.

BP44

First off, if you're newly sober, then a 25 year sober person creeping on a newcomer is a predator, period. The most cruel thing a person can do is not allow a new person their early time in sobriety. This man has absolutely nothing to give away to you. Seek the support of the women in your group and your sponsor.

DesertEyes

That is irrelevant. His 25 years sober are _his_ and worthless to anybody else. All 25 of those years put together won't keep anybody else sober for a single minute, so he can save his bragging for somebody who cares.

In case he wants to play "My AA ***** is bigger" with his 25yrs, I have 30 and my sponsor lineage goes directly to Chuck C., so he can just sit down, shut up and listen to folks who've got more time than him.

"I already have a Higher Power, and it's not you."

That's a whole different issue, and it has nothing to do with recovery, traditions or any such thing. The guy is harassing you, plain and simple, so treat him like you'd treat any other nut job that harasses you.

Mike

Gypsy Feet

thanks all=) I forgot I posted this haha!! I have tried several of these approaches with no success, for now I am just going to put some space between us and be as kind about it as I can.

intention

Hi Gypsy feet,

If you can be kind to him about it, it shows how you are working your program.

It's OK to say "Thank you for your input, I shall consider what you have said but I no longer wish to discuss it with you anymore"

It takes two to have a conversation. Once you have stated to him that you no longer wish to discuss a subject, you no longer have to explain why you are silent when he brings the subject up.

You may actually help him. By you showing him you no longer wish to engage in a certain conversation and following up with your actions you will teach him something about himself. You'll be holding a mirror up to him showing him what he could be like if he worked for it. He may not like that so the kinder you can be to him, the more peace of mind you will have out of all of this.

Ultimately, this is about you and your peace of mind and navigating your way of out it without resentment or causing harm, which will mean you will end up having to make amends.

Good luck.

zbear23

One of the things we hear over and over again in AA, via Einstein, is that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I would suggest you point out to him that, by his own admission, his "interventions" in the lives of others have not worked. So maybe he's insane to keep doing the same thing over and over. He needs to try something else, like for instance, minding his own business.

When I'm minding my own business I can still share my own e,s&h with others, without judging,, directing, criticizing or practicing the arrogance that my ego just loves. Minding my own business means looking at myself, not others.

You might also inquire where in the Steps is the one about being fearless and thorough about taking the inventory of others.

blessings
zenbear

lizw

Sounds like he needs a good dose of Al Anon because it appears he thinks he can 'cure' your alcoholism so feel free to ask if he's ever been or (if you really wanted to upset him) suggest HE attends.

RufusACanal

It has always been easier for me to take another's inventory rather than my own. When confronted with those I do not mesh with for whatever reason, I attempt to look at self first, then if not about me, move on if need be. Today, it does not matter what others do or say within the good confines of law and society, but it matters much what I do, how I react and how I move forward.

I have a neighbor that lives next door. When he comes over to chat, he calls my Wife, Babe. This has happened on several occasions of late and it pisses me off; innocent as it sounds, I do not appreciate the context. The man is a good man, but he is actively drinking daily. I am holding my tongue to approach him when he is hungover and then in a clear voice say, please do not address my Wife as Babe. At that point, I have cleared my side while the neighbor has the option to comply or end our relationship. If he does not heed my request, he will not be welcome. The last thing I am going to do is stew over what if's; I have a plan of action and I will carry it out. Talking to drunks always helps when they are hungover At first I was not just angry but indignant. After inventory and prayer, I found a solution that works for me. I am not responsible for the actions of others, but I must be for mine. Yes, there is the unknown to consider of how he will react, but that does not concern me. I need to take action on my part and move forward with living.