Separation and maintaining relationship question
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Posts: 148
Separation and maintaining relationship question
Dh abused me physically 3 weeks ago and I left with the kids. We are living apart but trying to reconcile. I told him there is no way I will return unless he gets professional help and quits drinking and help for his anger. He did initiate going to AA for the first time in our 13 year marriage, so that was excellent and is reading things about alcohol abuse, but he is unsure if he wants to totally quit. He knows we will be getting a divorce if he doesn't though, so he is an emotionally basket case because he knows I'm serious and he knows the damage he has done now over the years and 3 weeks ago. But he also feels stuck in his life and stuck with us and doesn't see much hope with us and feels like I'll never come back this time. We saw a counselor and are going to see her again and she is excellent. I'm torn about how much contact I should have with him to maintain some type of good feelings and relationship, but also have boundaries still and be serious about this. This is all on him this time to change and if he doesn't I will leave. I can't live like this anymore or put our kids through this. For those seperated what is your plan for reconciliation or your goals for being seperated and how much contact do you have? I'm not afraid of him, this is the only time that something like this has happened, but I'm leery too though and being safe. Any thoughts? I don't want to be sitting around playing the waiting game. I wonder if I should also say if you do not seek treatment consistently within a certain amount of time then I'll be gone, or should I just wait if I want to and not pressure him. I want him to know though that I'm not going to wait forever. This is really hard and our 2nd seperation in 2 years
Both of us still love each other and want to be with each other, but we are on the alcoholic crazy cycle.
Both of us still love each other and want to be with each other, but we are on the alcoholic crazy cycle.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Why would you even consider going back to someone who has physically abused you? This is extremely unhealthy both for you and for your children. They should not be forced to live in such chaos. If he did it once, he will do it again and next time it could be much, much worse.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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Well, if I were you, I would be afraid. Physical abuse does escalate unless treated. It is progressive, just like alcoholism. You do not mention it, however, many times verbal abuse is the forrunner to physical abuse.
This is his problem to resolve, not yours. What is the hurry for you to run back to him? Sit back and see what he does, he has already said that he is not sure that he actually wants to quit drinking, sounds like he is not ready for recovery.
Your priorty is your children, not him. They are suffering due to his issues, you may not realize it now, but, living in that enviorment will effect them not only today, but, in the future. It is not fair to expose them to an alcoholic/abuser.
I firmly believe that rushing back to him is a big mistake.
Just my thoughts.
Dolly
This is his problem to resolve, not yours. What is the hurry for you to run back to him? Sit back and see what he does, he has already said that he is not sure that he actually wants to quit drinking, sounds like he is not ready for recovery.
Your priorty is your children, not him. They are suffering due to his issues, you may not realize it now, but, living in that enviorment will effect them not only today, but, in the future. It is not fair to expose them to an alcoholic/abuser.
I firmly believe that rushing back to him is a big mistake.
Just my thoughts.
Dolly
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
This is really hard and our 2nd seperation in 2 years Both of us still love each other and want to be with each other, but we are on the alcoholic crazy cycle.
Even if you can manipulate him into going to treatment with your threats of leaving - treatment doesn't mean that he will commit himself to a life of sobriety. Treatment isn't going to change anything with him, unless he is truly done drinking for himself, not for you or the kids or for any other reason.
Once physical abuse starts, it doesn't just stop. It happens more and more frequently and it gets worse and worse. So you should take it very seriously - for your sake and for the sake of your children.
You are the only healthy parent they have right now. They are depending on you to make wise choices. They are watching you and learning all the time.
If nothing changes nothing changes.... and that change has to start with you. Because you cannot change him.
I'm sorry. I wish you strength.
Have you looked into Al-anon support groups in your area? You may find some wisdom in those rooms and having face 2 face support may help you work through your issues and help you find your way.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Wow, I guess I have more thinking that I need to do about this. Maybe I am stuck in a rut with this and expecting a miracle or expecting things to change. Maybe I should just let him go. Hard things to hear I know this is all serious, I guess I'm more sucked into things then I thought. I guess I'm truely afraid of what the future holds with my kids and with everything else. They will still be around him for visitation and so forth, so he will still be in their lives. I know I need to be healthy, that is why I'm not with him.
I know this is all serious, I guess I'm more sucked into things then I thought. I guess I'm truely afraid of what the future holds with my kids and with everything else. They will still be around him for visitation and so forth, so he will still be in their lives. I know I need to be healthy, that is why I'm not with him.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I see from your previous posts that you were going through this last year. How did you get sucked back into it with him again, only this time to give him the opportunity to beat you?
Yes, and my thoughts are, stay the hell away from him. His alcoholism is getting the upper hand, to your own detriment. He beat you and you are saying it's no big deal, that you are strong enough to handle him, and you are safe. But you continue to want to be with someone who beat you. This is unhealthy thinking for you, for ANY of us human beings.
praisehim, honey, a person who LOVES you does not HIT you. PERIOD. And anyway, love has NOTHING to do with it.
Which keeps you in limbo. He in unsure so you are unsure. He hits you, then he cries that he's afraid of losing you and the kids, right? How typical. It's what they do. His behaviors are contradictory. This confuses you. You don't know which to believe. You keep trying to figure out, is he GOOD or is he BAD? Well he is BOTH and that is NEVER going to change and you are going to keep not being able to make up your mind. That's how this disease keeps us trapped. Many, many women go through this with physically abusive spouses, and continue to get physically abused, continue to go back. Why? It makes NO sense.
IMO, you're stuck in power-play mode (act-then-react-then-watch for his reaction to decide your next action) and until you step off the rollercoaster, you will STAY there. If it were me, I would cut ALL ties with him and proceed with my one precious life, regardless of whether or not he decides to sober up. NO MAN, no PERSON, no ONE hits ME not even ONCE and gets to keep me in their life. I am MUCH too important to MYSELF for that to EVER occur again. And so are YOU.
I'm not afraid of him, this is the only time that something like this has happened, but I'm leery too though and being safe. Any thoughts?
Both of us still love each other and want to be with each other, but we are on the alcoholic crazy cycle.
he is unsure if he wants to totally quit..
IMO, you're stuck in power-play mode (act-then-react-then-watch for his reaction to decide your next action) and until you step off the rollercoaster, you will STAY there. If it were me, I would cut ALL ties with him and proceed with my one precious life, regardless of whether or not he decides to sober up. NO MAN, no PERSON, no ONE hits ME not even ONCE and gets to keep me in their life. I am MUCH too important to MYSELF for that to EVER occur again. And so are YOU.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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By the way, welcome to the site praisehim. You will meet many people here who have been in situations similar (or different) to yours. Please come back often. This site exists to share experience, hope and strength.
I don't think you need to make any decisions today. I think you are on the right track. I'm glad you left when the abuse started. I'm sure that the right solutions will present themselves as long as you focus on making wise choices when it comes to you and your children's safety and future.
I would wait patiently and see what he does next... and I would seriously consider al-anon or another support group for friends/family members of alcoholics. Alcoholism is a family disease and we family members need to work on our recoveries at least as hard as the alcoholic needs to work on theirs.
I don't think you need to make any decisions today. I think you are on the right track. I'm glad you left when the abuse started. I'm sure that the right solutions will present themselves as long as you focus on making wise choices when it comes to you and your children's safety and future.
I would wait patiently and see what he does next... and I would seriously consider al-anon or another support group for friends/family members of alcoholics. Alcoholism is a family disease and we family members need to work on our recoveries at least as hard as the alcoholic needs to work on theirs.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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And please, focus your energies on YOU. Because you can't take care of your children if you are not taking care of yourself. Do you have your own therapist, aside from the marriage counselor?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I would strongly suggest you contact your nearest domestic violence center and talk with a counselor.
I had no idea there were such resources out there back when I was with my EXAH, and I would have been too terrified to reach out.
Take the time to read through this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-partners.html
One time is one time too many, hon.
Take it from a gal who spent 5 years being beaten, kicked, slapped, and thrown down basement steps because I just kept lowering my bar of standards until no one could limbo under that.
I had no idea there were such resources out there back when I was with my EXAH, and I would have been too terrified to reach out.
Take the time to read through this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-partners.html
One time is one time too many, hon.
Take it from a gal who spent 5 years being beaten, kicked, slapped, and thrown down basement steps because I just kept lowering my bar of standards until no one could limbo under that.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi and welcome,
I think you made some good decisions - first to leave, second to seek help and support, and third to consider your options.
I don't think you have to make other decisions right now about the marriage - you already made the important ones : taking a stand against his behavior, taking a stand to stop the A, and letting yourself, him and the kids know how you feel.
By taking a stand you teach your kids how to live and interact with others. My kids express gratitude for showing them that: there are healthier ways to express anger and no one has to live in fear, understanding that people can change (or not), and forgiveness is a good thing (and does not mean you have to be a door mat).
Stands that are important: no abuse and no use of substances. Reconciliation is not healthy nor successfully achieved without agreeing on these two things. So ask yourself what are agreeing to right now by continuing the relationship apart?
I am not saying that you can't have a relationship right now - it has to be different. Ask yourself what would be different? When my husband and I separated - my goal was to for us to learn how to be a friend to one another. I made a list of the behaviors that would show me what that looked like. Every interaction I would check off the things that happened from the list. I kept the list with me when on the phone as a reminder of what I was trying to achieve. That allowed me to politely end conversations that were going down a negative path. I also took it a step further - if the last conversation went poorly then I didn't answer the next call. If he left me negative messages after that - I just refused to answer the rest of the day. I let each day be a new beginning. The result was a decrease in the negative interactions between us.
Conversly, when things were good, I would pick up right away and let him know how much I enjoyed the conversation. The key right now is to learn how to detach from the craziness. Alanon and reading the stickies at the top of the forum will provide a lot of information on detachment.
Keep us updated.
I think you made some good decisions - first to leave, second to seek help and support, and third to consider your options.
I don't think you have to make other decisions right now about the marriage - you already made the important ones : taking a stand against his behavior, taking a stand to stop the A, and letting yourself, him and the kids know how you feel.
By taking a stand you teach your kids how to live and interact with others. My kids express gratitude for showing them that: there are healthier ways to express anger and no one has to live in fear, understanding that people can change (or not), and forgiveness is a good thing (and does not mean you have to be a door mat).
Stands that are important: no abuse and no use of substances. Reconciliation is not healthy nor successfully achieved without agreeing on these two things. So ask yourself what are agreeing to right now by continuing the relationship apart?
I am not saying that you can't have a relationship right now - it has to be different. Ask yourself what would be different? When my husband and I separated - my goal was to for us to learn how to be a friend to one another. I made a list of the behaviors that would show me what that looked like. Every interaction I would check off the things that happened from the list. I kept the list with me when on the phone as a reminder of what I was trying to achieve. That allowed me to politely end conversations that were going down a negative path. I also took it a step further - if the last conversation went poorly then I didn't answer the next call. If he left me negative messages after that - I just refused to answer the rest of the day. I let each day be a new beginning. The result was a decrease in the negative interactions between us.
Conversly, when things were good, I would pick up right away and let him know how much I enjoyed the conversation. The key right now is to learn how to detach from the craziness. Alanon and reading the stickies at the top of the forum will provide a lot of information on detachment.
Keep us updated.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Physical abuse is a real hot button for a lot of people that post here so don't be surprised if you get responses like "kick him to the curb", which I would hole heartedly agree on. He's crossed the line and now your kids will learn an important lesson by what YOUR next move is. They can either learn to tolerate it because Daddy's sick and promised to get better or learn that it's a show stopper under any circumstance.
My opinion of your original question? Kick him out, move your kids back into THEIR home, file for divorce with full custody, insist on supervised visitation. He can EARN his right to a relationship with his children by his actions ongoing. A demonstrated commitment to sobriety (not reading about it) and anger management therapy will get his kids back in his life on a measured basis.
Too harsh, maybe? Unfortunately too many folks don't take these things seriously and come to WISH they took a hard line at the first sign of violence.
My opinion of your original question? Kick him out, move your kids back into THEIR home, file for divorce with full custody, insist on supervised visitation. He can EARN his right to a relationship with his children by his actions ongoing. A demonstrated commitment to sobriety (not reading about it) and anger management therapy will get his kids back in his life on a measured basis.
Too harsh, maybe? Unfortunately too many folks don't take these things seriously and come to WISH they took a hard line at the first sign of violence.
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