intention

I drank because I had lost the power of choice over alcohol.

Whatever "you" did, I would have drunk anyway.
"You" couldn't have encouraged me to drink, because I was going to do that anyway.
And nothing "you" could do could stop me from drinking because I couldn't have stopped myself. I was beyond human help.

So when I hear the term enabler or that someone is enabling an alcoholic in some way by encouraging or letting them drink, I wonder if it can be really so. Any thoughts?

Pinkcuda

Yes, but I can attend the funeral with a clean conscience instead of wondering if there was more I could have done.

Pagekeeper

My definition of enabling is when I deny someone the consequences of their behavior.

It's tricky territory, for sure. Lots of gray area.

For alkies, it means I do not cover-up for them, lie to them, or lie for them in terms of their drinking.

For example, a friend's mother had asked me to write a letter to the judge and I agreed because my friend was sober. A week later, same friend walks into my store smashed. She wanted the letter to give to the judge. I refused, of course. Then I called her mother and explained that I was no longer willing to write the letter because her daughter showed up at my store drunk.

Another time I picked up a girl from her mom's house and brought her over to my place. She was smashed on pills. It was a little hard to see at first but then it became glaringly obvious when she couldn't even make a pot of coffee. I put the girl back in my car, drove her home, and asked to speak to her mother. I told her mother the reason I was bringing her home was because she was intoxicated. Today she is one of my best friends.

ElegantlyWasted

Financial, physical and emotional support becomes part of the Codie's (enablers) faulty belief system (it is a state of denial that mirrors the addict's). The enabler's fundamental value system is compromised. Usually the enabler is just waiting for them to snap out of it and have false expectations that change will happen by itself. They also tend to blame themselves for the abuse they suffer. Some really twisted stuff. Some success in deprogramming has been accomplished via a clockwork AA. On a very serious level I believe we should throw all boundary issues aside if it comes down to the possibility of physical injury to the addict or the addict possibly hurting others.

CAPTAINZING2000

Shame people can't just say no to an alcoholics b.s.

Ananda

Many people were told that they enabled me...

What I know they did was enable me to stay alive long enough to get sober.

Music

Of course, the operative words here are "stay alive". I was told I could love a person to death. I stopped enabling. Two of my sons are still alive and doing well because my wife and I didn't buy into their crap. Some enablers are sicker than the alcoholic. They're like a cat in the litter box...continually burying their crap.

Ananda

agreed music..but the word get's bandied about alot in inappropriete ways....

I guess what it comes down to for me is that I don't shield others from concequences (rather try..cause i have that tendancy still)...but it is definately NOT my job to create more or worse concequences...especially in the belief that that will some how make someone else get sober....I don't have that power...

sailorjohn

Yeah, that is a good question, but I would fall on the side of, yes, my own personal history comes to mind, on both sides of the fence. You can make it easier for an alcoholic/addict to continue to drink/use by helping them to avoid the consequences of their choices. I will call that 'enabling'.

Just don't delude yourself into thinking they will stop if you stop helping them to avoid consequences.

Powerless either way, no doubt.

Boleo

I myself had to continue to drink until I used up ALL of my safety-nets. If one of my parents still been alive and allowed me live in their basement, I would have probably drank till the point of liver failure.

The only thing that saved me was total defeat and had anything stood in the way of experiencing that, it would have in effect "enabled" me to continue to drink.

yeahgr8

Yes, definitely!

Getting to a point of desperation and hopelessness is crucial for most of us and having someone tell us that we arent that bad and are a nice guy really whilst we continue raping and pillaging society for what we think we want and need isn't anything but enabling...

I'm not saying enablers dont have the best intentions at heart but you know the saying about good intentions! And the enablers suffer along with the alcoholic/addict...not a good relationship at all!

Toronto68

I believe you can have an enabling scenario. If I understand anything about codependency, that is how people fit each other like a hand in a glove; it's something about the way they share power in their relationship (or don't). But of course the addiction and the work on getting out of it is a single ownership.

I don't think I necessarily had an enabler though. Influences, yes, but I see those differently. I think I just found my own false solution in alcohol and then the supposed solution wasn't even visible to me anymore, I was just drinking.

I am sensitive to the notion of enabling, because it sounds like there is a split responsibility involved and that feeds denial (which means continuing to drink), etc.

Freedom1990

So what was the turning point for you in seeking sobriety?

Music

I agree that the word gets "bandied about". Some people like to use big words like "enabling" and "co-dependant." We have what are called "AA couselors" who like to diagnose problems for folks. You hit on two great points. 1)Don't shield others from consequences, and 2)it's not anybody's job to create circumstances in which they believe somehow what they're doing will "make" someone else get sober. Only God has that power and He doesn't usually enable or create our problems. We do!

intention

The morning after my last drink, I experienced a despair and shame so overwhelming that it physically paralysed me.

I sat at my kitchen table for a very long time, unable to move or even speak. I thoroughly despised alcohol and what it had done to be but while I contemplated the full horror of my situation, I just knew I was going to drink again.

It was that realisation that I was going to drink again, despite not wanting to and there was nothing I could do could stop it.

I had surrendered many times before but when I finally found I was able to move, I sunk down on my knees and surrendered like never before. This time I gave it all up - every single last bit of me and turned everything over to God.

Recalling the moment now still sends chills down my spine. It was the worst moment of my life.......and, quite possibly, the best (aside from the birth of my son).

RobbyRobot

Alcohoilsm is an illness and i have experienced the obsession and craving for drinking alcohol. Before becoming sober, there are times i had lost the power of choice in my drinking. But not everytime when i drank did i have no choice. I could put it off sometimes. Even the most horrible drunk can manage to stay off the drink for at least 24 hrs. Saying no for several days was far more difficult but not impossible. Several weeks was almost impossible. More than 30 days, well, i never got more then 30 days of not drinking. Finally getting sober got me past those lousy limits.

So without sobriety i eventually would be back to drinking no matter my choice to not drink. In that way, i totally see how every alcoholic has lost the power of choice in their drinking because of alcoholism. That does not mean i believe stories about alcoholics, happily being sober, who just get up out of the blue and simply drink. No way. Alcoholism is an illness which truly creates obessions and cravings for drinking alcohol and sobriety checks that compulsion to drink. A little honesty can easily reveal to ourselves the instant those cravings and obsessions begin. It can be checked again. I never have to drink again one day at a time.

So since i did not get sober "on my own" and my sobriety can be influenced by others and myself it only makes sense that it can also be lost and destroyed if managed badly. Living a life that is wreckless and toxic to sobriety will absolutely have me facing my alcoholism with a drink in my hand. In my 28 years of unbroken sobriety i have faced those times of again having to change my life or lose it to the ravages of alcoholism. I am not surprised to find my illness deep inside me even as my life gets better and better. I am yet an alcoholic even if sober. I can be used by others in a way which would leave me drunk if i allow my life to be lived in such a way. Thinking i am somehow bullet proof against getting drunk would be arrorgant and selfish to a horrible consequence.

I am free. I am sober. My obsessions with alcohol have been removed. My illness with alcoholism yet remains. I live a life which has influences from both good and bad experiences as i live through whatever life offers me. I am not an island onto myself.

Rob

intention

Thanks for all your replies - it's been very interesting to read.

Norther

I don't buy the enabling idea. I think alcoholics drink because we're alcoholics: made to drink to insanity. The concept of enabling is just too convenient an engine of excuses to drink.

navysteve

Shielding them from the consequences= enabling.

Yes of course we had to drink every drink but we are not pre-destined to enter AA after a certain number of drinks. We all got off at different levels, and for many of us someone was their to shield us ( employers, spouses, parents, even children)

navysteve

Enablers do not MAKE alcoholics drink folks.