Ronan

Ok so at the moment I'm doing really well. I'm about to tackle step 4 however have been noticing more and more people are saying that they went through the steps with a sponsor. I'm going to 4 meetings a week and to be honest have been doing great.

Is a sponsor 100% necessary?

Taking5

Nothing is 100%. In AA's early days there were lots of "lone wolves" out there that stayed sober with just the book. However, not using a sponsor when one is available is like using the wrong tool for a job - it just doesn't make sense.

What objections do you have to using a sponsor?

Charmie

Hi ronan.
For me the answer is a resounding yes.
I thought I knew allsorts about everything,turned out I didn't know an awful lot! Getting a sponsor to me was part of my surrender,it was part of admitting defeat and that I couldn't do this alone.a sponsor is someone to me that knows where the steps are in the big book and the instructions.I had looked at the big book many times but it didn't come alive until I went into it with another alcoholic.
I hope this helps.

Pagekeeper

Glad to hear you are doing well and ready to take a look inside!

For myself, I wouldn't have been able to do a thorough and accurate Step 4 without the help of a sponsor who had also completed Step 4. The reason being, I was still full of self-delusion when I got to the 4th step, although I was being as honest as I could be. My sponsor sat down with me and we did a few of my resentments together. She was especially helpful in pointing me to the realization of the resentment and getting me to understand which parts of self were being affected, as well as how I contributed to the resentment, and in some cases, caused the other person to retaliate. I needed another person who could objectively consider my behavior and point out the things I was missing. Same goes for fears and my sex inventory. But even with these practice inventories, I still missed things and my sponsor generously pointed those things out to me during the 5th step.

Embarking on a 4th step without guidance is worse than the blind leading the blind--it's a drunken mind leading a drunken mind. And when my drunken mind leads the way, where do I usually end up? I needed a recovered mind that had been restored to sanity to guide me into that unfamiliar territory.

Also, there was something very spiritual and intimate about sitting down with another person and accepting their guidance. I was also helping my sponsor by allowing her to guide me. Although I didn't realize that at the time.

keithj

A sponsor was hugely important to me. Only slightly less important now, but vital for that first time through the Steps.

The surrender aspect mentioned here is real. That's reason enough.

I think there is huge benefit to being shown the directions out of the Big Book by someone who reads it with spiritual eyes. Meaning someone who has been through the process. It's a very different take than what I can read with my delusional alcoholic eyes.

If you are around long enough, you will see hundreds of people who are 'doing great, going to 4 meetings a week' go out and get drunk. And stay drunk. Some make it back after getting beat up for a year or two, and some do not make it back. It's just the facts.

Peter

So who have you been working The Steps with?

yeahgr8

Crucial!

There is no way that i could have gone through the steps in the way that i did, the BB way, without a sponsor...think about it...we have been in denial and fooling ourselves for years to the point where it must be clear with a little sobriety that we cannot trust ourselves with this process alone. Like a good alcoholic i would have quickly rationalised any additions/subtractions i made to the right way to work the steps as what is good for me and everyone has their own path etc...AND i guarantee i would have found someone in the rooms to justify that rationlisation!

That and the fact that i couldn't really understand all that the BB was saying, even with the 12and12 to help explain it more...

In my experience i cannot overemphasise the need for someone who has been there and done it, in this situation, enough...Ronan it is essential mate IMO and it is also essential that the sponsor you choose has worked the steps to the best of their ability and achieved a spiritual awakening from the process when they first worked them...

I know from your previous posts that you are like me in the sense that the next drunk we really might not come back from...

Good luck and keep on trucking:-)

Mark75

It's a "we" program. If you don't have or want a sponsor, reach out to some of your AA fellows and get some guidance, advice and feedback as you work through these steps. It's a beautiful thing, don't deny yourself the experience.

So a sponsor may not be "100% Necessary", IMO, but working with others is.... because that is, 100% necessary, if you want to truly work the program of AA... and ... why wouldn't you?

Norther

I am 22 days sober. I don't drink, and I go to meetings. I read the books. I regard myself as being on step two.

Frankly, the idea of having a sponsor seems creepy to me, as does the idea of "surrender." I am sure there is something wrong with this, but this time through AA, I am determined to tell the truth, and that is the truth.

Last time through, I thought a lot about sounding good, including to my sponsor, who bought it. Eventually I drank again. I must be a sick b$%^d. I do think I will find a sponsor eventually, but it's got to be the right person.

WakeUp

Ronan,
I was really suspicious of the sponshorship program at first. I actually got myself to step 8 without a sponsor. I did really want some face to face contact support, someone I could talk to, who cared about me.
I found a wise old timer, and we are doing great together. Since you're doing good so far, you have the luxury to take your time a bit. Observe people in meetings, ask them to chat over coffee to discuss a sponsor/sponsee relationship. Talk about mutual expectations, styles, practical things like availability act.
Top notch communication skills are a must, on both parts really.

Once you find a really good sponsor, the difference is like night and day.

Music

I'm sober 33 years and still have a sponsor. I've always had a sponsor since day one. I got one immediately. I knew how not to drink. I just couldn't stay out of the bars. I couldn't stay out of my own head that told me I couldn't stay out of bars. I needed someone who knew what to do. Get a sponsor!! One of these days you're going to be so proud that you've made it "this" long without anyone else, you'll go out and celebrate. How do I know?? I've seen it happen time after time. And, time after time those same people come back with their tails between their legs, telling me it still sucks out there. Don't take that chance.

Kjell

Yes. Simple as that.

Norther

"Get a Sponsor!!" - Music

I assume that's a suggestion.

When you put it in so peremptory a way, many alcoholics will hear you daring them to do this thing without a sponsor. Perhaps they'll accept your challenge, perhaps not. Let's hope not.

Charmie

I was doing good too,the begining of last year...lots and lots of meetings,lots of AA contact,every day.didn't drink for a month.knew nothing about the physical allergy or the mental obsession.I drank after a month against my will.I knew then I couldn't do it not only alone but even surrounding myself with AA.I needed a spiritual awakening! How did I get one of those? Thought it was a good idea (one of my few or God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself?) to ask someone who not only knew but had experienced it.

gratefulgirl09

I know I wouldn't have been able to get through the steps without my sponsor. I need someone to be accountable to. I know if I did it alone, I wouldn't be completely honest with myself, and that is crucial. I know I can always count on my sponsor, and I can't wait to be a sponsor and give guidance, advice and feedback as she walks through the steps.

Ananda

I don't know...i'm really begining to wonder if a sponsor that isn't able or willing to get you through the steps in a timely manor isn't worse than no sponsor at all....

In the future I will be alot more careful about how I select a sponsor...sometimes people look like they are "in the book" on the outside at meetings, but when they sponsor...it's a whole new ballgame.

Yes...I think sponsorship is important for BOTH people...but I think the steps are more important...and must be worked, lived, whatever you wanna call it.

kelsh

Hi Ronan,

I found kind of a "Doing so good Feeling" come over me after I attended my first week of AA Meetings....actually a very HYPER feeling....but since I had sobered up one time before doing it my way for a year, I was drinking again & this relapse lasted 14 more years with periods of sobriety here & there.

By this time I was 48 years old & very sick with Depression/Anxiety & all the things that happen to a daily drinker health-wise. I had this red/red face that told the whole story.

This time I followed what was suggested, got a temporary sponsor until I found someone that had a similar story to her drinking life as mine. We found out that we lived across the street from each other so it was so handy. I worked on my sobriety with my sponsor & the AA Program & had a counselor & doctor for my depression/anxiety. I had been dx with depression as a teen but when I married & found alcohol at age 20 I quit the meds & self-medicated my depression with alcohol that gradually got worse as each life event came along to take my faith away.

I concentrated on my sobriety & staying sober for the whole first year plus worked, was a single mom with an eleven year old daughter just dx with Juvenile Diabetes.

The second year of my sobriety I went back to college to get my BA Degree in Psychology & got a good job as a Mental Health Tech. I still attended AA at least three or four times a week...two at noon...& worked half time cleaning houses & grocery shopping for the Elderly in their homes. My depression was so severe but these Elderly kept me going...actually put me to shame when I would think of all they had endured in their lives & were still as active as their bodies would let them be.

Ronan, I wanted to be sober for ME more than anything else in my life at that time...my first great reward was my red/red face was gone in 9 months just as my doctor told me.

I had lots of questions in the beginning but also did a lot of changes on my part to remove slippery people & places from my daily life. I read the Big Book & used the Serenity Prayer often when in doubt about what I could or couldn't change. I still use the Serenity Prayer daily & Sober Recovery to share my experience, strength, & hope for a continuous sober life one day at a time. It is not easy but it is not hard either,...just took common sense when my mind cleared of the fogginess.

You have a very good start & lots of people here at Sober Recovery that have been sucessful getting and staying sober in many different ways. What really counts is what will work BEST for YOU. You have some control over your problem already but there may come a time you wished you had someone to confide in that you trust.


kelsh

PaperDolls

For me it's been crucial for me to work with a sponsor. She notices things about myself that I can't recognize yet and gives me a different perspective on things.

I'd say yes -- it's very important to have a sponsor. You're ripping yourself off really. Working with a sponsor is fun.

Music

My first "sponsor" told me suggestions were subtle commands. So, take it as you like.

Doesn't matter how I put it. ALCOHOLCIS will take things the way they take things.

ian_g

That is the absolute truth! No need to prance around the truth just cause someone might interpret it in an unintended fashion. That's on them.