Mat

I began drinking 10 years ago upon reaching the age of 21, and since that time I have been an almost daily(well, nightly to be more specific) drinker. I have always drank the same amount; the rough equivalent of ten units of alcohol, most of the time beer. For the last 26 days I have actually charted my consumption on a whiteboard, and out of those days I only was able to stop myself from drinking 10 times. Those 10 nights were very difficult, and I never went 2 sober nights in a row.

I suffer from severe anxiety problems and OCD. I have been to numerous therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists. I have tried just about every SSRI on the market, and many anti-psychotics(to help with sleep). Nothing works. I refuse to allow them to prescribe me something like Xanax after seeing my behavior with alcohol. I feel like I have been fighting a constant battle with my own mind since my very earliest memories. Alcohol makes me feel 100% better, and allows me to get through the worst part of the day: lying in bed at night. It isn't even just that anymore, I am clearly in the grips of addiction, further compounding my dependency upon the nightly drinking ritual.

I spend my entire day obsessing over the drinking, or more specifically not drinking. I tell myself that I will not do it all day, I think about it all day, but then come 8 or 9 o'clock I find myself at the store buying the 6-pack. It is completely insane, as if I become a different person. I sometimes wish I could sabotage myself somehow(I have read about Antabuse, but it seems too scary that I could die if I drank on it.) I have come to terms with the fact that I am totally helpless against this, but this is where my problems really begin.

-I never drink with anyone else, due to my issues I am extremely anti-social.
-I never drink and drive, I never even leave the house when drinking/drunk.
-My drinking does not, and has never interfered with any of my relationships(because I don't really have any, and didn't before I started boozing either) or my ability to function and support myself.

I am not going to hit any sort of bottom save for when I reach the point where I have totally destroyed my liver, and by then it will be too late. I have tried AA, but I am not a spiritual person AT ALL. The program doesn't make any sense to me, and no matter how hard I try I cannot actually bring myself to believe in God or a higher power. I read about SoS, but they don't have any meetings in my area, and I am a single dad(I can't exactly be driving out to Cleveland every night.)

I desperately want to get sober, but I fear that nothing will work. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

bananagrrrl

Hey there,

It sounds like you are at your own emotional bottom. Don't give up on yourself.

Have you tried an addiction (specifically) therapist? I also see a psychiatrist and am prescribed campral among other things. ( I am bi-polar) Campral helps with the alcohol cravings if you are in a program of recovery especially.

Your program can be whatever you want it to be. I believe there is a secular connections forum on here.

I am sure others will have more advice on the different steps you can take.

Good luck!

Mat

I have an appointment in 2 days with my local behavioral health/mental health clinic. I plan to ask them if they have a therapist who deals specifically with addiction. I worry about judgment being cast upon me there, for whatever reason. I am uncomfortable around others, which is why I feel therapy hasn't been very helpful in the past with my mental health issues.

Norther

I am under treatment - have been for years - for psychiatric problems. Those problems have always abated and become manageable and more treatable during times when I have not consumed alcohol. The AA saying is that there is no problem that is not made worse by alcohol, and the saying is true, I believe. Please forget about the "god thing" in AA and consider going just to hear stories and feelings that resonate with yours, so that you do not feel so alone. There are plenty of atheists or former atheists for whom AA works fine. Initially, at least, the higher power business is for many simply about coming to realize that you are not alone, not in the brutal grip of unrelenting self reliance in your struggles.

Mat

I didn't think that the program could work properly for an atheist, I thought that my lack of beliefs would undermine many of the steps. I honestly felt very uneasy and unwelcome due to my position on the matter(my own fault, no one was hostile or mean with me.) What are the rules surrounding the higher power? Is there some way that I could still make the program work for me with evidence(as opposed to faith) based beliefs? I will pretty much try anything at this point.

Maybe I will give it another shot.

least

Welcome to SR from another Buckeye! I have a problem with 'faith' too but it didn't/doesn't stop me from attending some AA meetings. The 'higher power' concept is up to you - whatever you decide is your higher power. I know someone who's higher power was the ocean. Mine, for a while, was my dogs, as their unconditional love reminds me of the unconditional love I've always been taught is what God is all about.

I too would recommend counseling with an addiction specialist. I see mine once a week and have been helped tremendously in all aspects of my life, not just drinking.

I think too that when you become desperate enough with the drinking lifestyle you WILL do ANYTHING to get and stay sober. Just don't wait until then to get help, believe me, your 'bottom' can be whatever you want it to be in order to (want to) stop drinking. Just don't wait until your body is shot and/or you're on death's doorstep.

I too have anxiety and depression, as well as bipolar. Since I've been sober (almost six months) my mental health is a lot better and more manageable. My meds work better and I'm not nearly as depressed/anxious.

You CAN stop drinking and have a decent life, but you've got to REALLY WANT IT and be willing to do the work necessary to achieve and maintain sobriety... and it's so worth the effort.

PS; it might be a good idea to see your doctor for medical help in getting safely and comfortably thru withdrawals.

Mat

I don't think I will have withdrawals that are medically dangerous in any way. I was being honest about my level of consumption. 100grams or so of alcohol per night, or 10 units. It is actually a 6-pack of 16 oz. cans that are slightly higher ABV than the standard "drink" of beer. It comes out to 10.
I have stopped many times for a day or two, and never noticed anything but heightened anxiety.

I am glad that I registered here and made a post, you people have already made me feel a teeny bit less hopeless.

Norther

Some one else who posts here - I forget who - always says that hsi psych meds didn't really work right until he gave up the alcohol: another reason for hope, I think.

Initially at least, the higher power idea is just to trust that something outside of you might have relevance to your suffering. I love the idea of using a pet as a higher power, for example. As odd as it may sound, such notions have been proven to work time and time again. I think of sunlight sometimes.

artsoul

Hi Mat and welcome to SR!

I preferred to be left alone with my drinking, too. It was hard enough to deal with myself, much less those sober people.

I decided I had to quit drinking before alcohol affected all those "functional" things I needed to do. I also started to have serious concerns about my health. The buzz I got wasn't enough to offset the pain of the following morning and it just kept going downhill. Plus, I knew I couldn't stop. Drinking had become the focus of my life.

There is nothing that says you have to go to AA to get sober. There are alot of people that use this group for support and interaction. It's available night and day and there are countless posts to read. I spent the first couple of days glued to this site. I don't have a problem with a Higher Power, but my definition of God is more like energy/love/oneness, than it is a guy in the sky sitting on a throne........

You can do it. Keep reading/posting!

Dee74

Hi Mat
Welcome to SR.

I know you'll find a lot of support here. I hope we can help you fidn your way

I'm glad you'll be seeing a counsellor - I think it's important to deal with all the issues that affect you.

As for higher powers, I'm not in AA but I remember leaning pretty heavily on the Group Of Dudes I found here at SR - I see no reason why that wouldn't transfer

D

least

That's a good one!

justjo

Hi Mat - your post brought tears to my eyes. If you believe there is nothing you can do about your addiction, that is exactly what will be. If you believe that you can work through this addiction, then you may. I too am not sure about god either. My HP is simple - trying to believe in myself and what I can do to make my life better. At the end of the day god or the bloke next door isnt going to stop you drinking, you will.
My sister had horrible anxiety attacks. She couldnt go shopping, do anything much outside of her house without someone going with her or doing it for her. She too was a loner. I believe if you share your life with positive influences and people it definitely helps with anxiety. Forcing yourself to be in the real world and sharing your experiences helps too. Obsessing over the what ifs or what nots will only make things worse, sometimes it will become a reality for you when its not. You know, believe what you want and you will.
It seems you are at a point of wanting to give up but too scared to stop. This is the point of - do I want to live or die? Cos believe me, liver failure is death and of course, we all believe this will never happen to us.
Seriously, if AA is not for you, keep searching for what will work for you. It doesnt matter what that may be, as long as it works or helps you.

wichitalineman

Hi Mat,

Welcome to SR!!

I read your post and it reminded me _a lot_ of myself. I am 31, as well. I drank for 10 years, starting when I was 21, as well. I have never lost a job due to my drinking, nor damaged any relationship beyond repair (emphasis on the beyond repair part). I am not a member of any religion. A typical daily routine of alcohol ingestion would be 10 units of alcohol a day... plus a bottle of Jack Daniel's, and then some further beers... but, close enough, right?

I hear what you are saying regarding obsessing over the alcohol consumption _all day_ only to give in once the day is through. I _completely_ understand. I spent two solid years in this zone. Just lather, rinse, repeat, for two solid years. It's maddening, to be sure. It made me so insane, and I mean so insane, there just aren't words for it. I used to wonder if that voice would be the true end to my sanity. That voice sucks.

When I was drinking, I was what I think would be termed a 'high functioning alcoholic'. I was going to work every day, I was 'getting it done', but only in the most average, completely underwhelming way. Just show up, get the job done, head out, not really care. Life's problems just rolled into one and would be dealt with 'tomorrow' or 'this weekend' when I could 'get a chance to really take a break from drinking'. And when the weekend came around, it was time to 'unwind' and 'relax'; I'll do the tough stuff during the week, I've earned the relaxation time. My mind had this set on repeat! It's amazing I was able to do anything else.

So, in a nutshell, I totally hear where you are coming from. I quit drinking a few days prior to New Year's Eve last year, on December 28th. It's been almost 5 months since my last drink (!). I have done it without AA, or without any 'secular' alternatives. Having said that, I like AA and I like how AA helps people. And while I don't use AA myself, I found my personal higher power - Cherry Coca Cola. Might sound silly, but it takes me back to being a little kid again and playing Nintendo. It really does the trick for me.

In terms of how I came to finally quit, I am afraid I don't have a magic pill to offer. I woke up one morning and was so disgusted with myself, so _utterly disgusted_ with myself that I resolved to never, ever drink again right then and there. I sat there for a few minutes and thought about what I was really saying and what I really wanted to do, and I realized I had failed countless times before with these exact same words. I realized I needed to change my approach this time, and try something new. I needed to take immediate action, and in a huge, huge way.

This time, I focused (_really focused_) on the negative. I sat down and wrote down all the bad things alcohol did to me, has done to my life, and has done to those I cared about. I went to town, so to speak, and made an epic list, spanning many pages. I then wrote down every single thing it would cost me if I did not change my drinking behavior immediately, and again, went into great detail.

Needless to say, that was one dark, horrible afternoon (this is before I was able to wake up prior to noon).

After I had done all this, I felt pretty crummy about myself, I must admit. But then I started focusing on what I was going to do, today, to turn this thing around, and I used these lists as my starting point for my personal recovery program. I just focus on today and how I am going to make today a winner. I finally understand what 'one day at a time' means.

Over the last 5 months, I've changed my daily routine to be better to myself and get more exercise. I've made time to ride my bike just for fun and play music more this year. I've gone through my list and systematically worked on every item on there. Of course, just getting all of this onto paper and reviewing everything was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. Having it all written down, out of my head, ready to be worked on when I was ready to work on it was one of the biggest reliefs I have ever experienced, however. It made all the difference. Taking this action, working my recovery from this angle, is what helped me get over the hump and stay sober. Just seeing it all on paper, what this had already cost me, and would continue to cost me today, was enough for me to say 'no more'.

I think this is covered in a similar way in some form in the AA steps, but again, I am not using AA. This was my own personal system I devised on the spot to get myself out of this jam. I was ready to try anything. I tried associating literal death with drinking, and it worked. I mean, heck - literally dying really isn't too far from the actual truth. It really isn't, reviewing my list. And it's helped keep me sober for 5 months.

So, at the end of this whole tirade, I just want to say that you are _definitely_ not alone in this. There are people here who are in their early 30s, who are looking for a way to get out of this un-winable situation in a secular or secular-friendly way, who have just had _enough_. This time around, I had to change up my approach and try something new. Do the unexpected. Keep tabs on what's working, and what isn't. And most importantly, just take it all one day at a time. That's been my system.

Everyone's path is different, and this is just a little doorway into how I was able to set the bottle down. It's been 5 months and I cannot stress enough how much my life has improved in these last 5 months. There just aren't words. I am hard pressed to think of even 2 other things that have ever happened in my life that have ever had as profound an impact on me, and as quickly. I am at a total loss to think of what those two things might be.

Look into AA again. Give it another chance. You have nothing to lose. There are plenty of non-religious people in AA, and here on SR. Don't let the word 'God' or 'higher power' juke you out and rob you of doing something so immensely powerful for yourself. I am not in AA, nor am I religious, and as I mentioned, I have a higher power. The almighty Cherry Coca Cola, usually found suspiciously close to my beloved 8-bit NES.

I'm glad you posted, welcome to SR! I hope that long mental dump helped in any way. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey.

Anna

Mat,

I'm glad you're going to be seeing a therapist and I hope that it will help you. Please believe that there is hope, though many of us have felt completely hopeless when we arrived here at SR. This place is a lifeline for me and I have learned so much. I hope you keep reading and posting.

ninja7

Mat,

When I first went to AA, I hadn't decided to quit drink at all. I thought I would drink after AA meeting on the way back home. Before then I had never seen anyone who quit drink before. I was lucky. I saw lots of people who quit drink in AA meeting. That was the first time. Then I thought I could quit drink today, one day at a time. You better go to AA to see the people who quit drinking. The experience might help you.

wichitalineman

Thinking about this post today, I just wanted to emphasize that I am not advising you to make a set of notes of things to feel bad about, or anything like that. I was just sharing what I did differently this time when I woke up feeling so dreadful, and why I think it has worked for me this time around. I have skipped over the 10 year back story leading up to that day (probably all too familiar to most of us!), and a bunch of other data since (thought I couldn't resist adding the bit about the NES). Anyway, re-reading this now, I just wanted to make that distinction absolutely, perfectly clear. We all have our own unique path, this was just where I find myself this time around.

SR has been an incredible tool for me. I am sure it can offer you plenty of ideas and support as well. Welcome to SR!

DayTrader

I've heard a lot of people cross the "issues with a Higher Power" by using the first 2 steps...

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol..... if you're powerless to control your drinking, alcohol IS a power "greater than you" (sort of replace "higher" with "greater")

Came to believe a power greater than us could..... Groups of sober, recovered alcoholics and drug addicts seem to be able to stay sober and live happily - many for the rest of their lives. I'd tend to conclude that those groups (be it SR, AA, NA, or anything else that has a track record of long term success) have a power that is greater than me AND seems to restore sanity.....


everyone has "powers greater than themselves." Sometimes admitting that is tough on the ego but it's true whether we recognize it at first or not. Give that some thought.

Good luck to you and keep up the effort.

Mat

I wanted to thank you all again for the kind welcome, I have been browsing these forums and finding them very helpful indeed. I managed to not drink last night, and it was terrible falling asleep; it always is when I am not buzzed. I also don't enjoy anything in the evening unless I am drunk, which is completely crazy because these are the same things that I enjoy sober during the daylight hours... Will I be able to enjoy the evenings again anytime soon if I do manage to stop? I understand that my brain has learned to release the happy juice when I drink, and it will take quite some time for it to become as it was before. /sigh

How do you guys get past the self-doubt that occurs as a result of having tried to stop 50 times before and failing? Do you just somehow accidentally "make it" eventually and quit? I hear people saying that I need to change things, take a different approach, which is what my posting here is in part. I also have that intake appointment tomorrow. It would be really nice to go in there with 2 sober days behind me.

I am going to try stupid hard to avoid the compulsion to drink tonight. I haven't made it 2 nights in a row for months.

Stayinfree

I am going to try stupid hard to avoid the compulsion to drink tonight. I haven't made it 2 nights in a row for months.

I'm sending good wishes to you that you make it through the 2 nights in a row. You can do it.....just don't pick it up, easier said than done, I know, but whats the worst that can happen?..and just think how you'll feel tomorrow morning...

Night times are my worst times..but I tell myself 2 or 3 hours of drinking every evening doesn't make it right that I spend the other 16 or so awake hours feeling ashamed, depressed, irritable and every other horrible feeling there is. If I can spend 16 or more hours feeling good, then I can put up with 2 or 3 of feeling crap..

artsoul

For me, it was a matter knowing that things were not going to get any better if I kept drinking. If I have a drink tonight, I'll want more. Even if I manage to have only a few, what about tomorrow when I want it again? I saw that this would never end if I didn't do something. I came here to SR and read post after post after post of people telling my story, talking about what lay ahead if I didn't quit. I was already totally miserable, but I finally accepted that I had just two choices -get worse, or get sober.

Try to turn your thoughts away from "I'm bored," "I want to drink," "What if I had just X number of drinks," etc. etc. Get a book, watch TV, play video games, eat, research alcoholism on the net, post/read at SR. Anything to get through the evening. Sending positive thoughts your way.....:ghug3