lrojo06

I am new to this forum and I have just reached a point where I know I need words to help me. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I love him so much and we have been through a lot together. When we met I wasn't the best either. We were "social drinkers". I never realized he had a problem until I became more sober. I have a great job and I have worked so hard to make a good name for myself here. He, however has not changed and I have come to realize he has a problem. He can be drunk for days at a time with only a few hours of sleep in between. And that's why I feel like he needs me. I am the only positive influence in his life. His dad was a heroine addict is unfortunately deceased. His mom is a sweat lady but doesn't always set the best example. She is on food stamps, housing, welfare etc. You name it she's on it. His friends are always over the house drinking until the sun comes out and his mom doesn't say anything. I am the nagging girlfriend... He lost his job a few months ago and is now on unemployment. I think that's why his problem has been getting worse and worse lately. I have said something on occasion and we will sit there and talk for hours about his problems and what he needs to do to fix it. But it never fails that after 2 weeks or so of being sober its back to square one. He says this is who I am and I will get help when I'm ready. I have so much hope for him and I have told him time and time again as much as I want to be there for him I don't think I can hold on much longer. We live together and I want to move out so that way I have room to breather BUT I live with him at his mom's house and have no where else to go. I feel like I am stuck in a corner and its just a waste of time. He keeps saying that he wants to join the air force but I don't see him motivated to do anything. I want a good life for my family and I but I don't see it happening any time soon. He has never been violent or said horrible things to me and I don't think he's cheating. I strictly an alcohol problem. He can not say no! I don't know what to do anymore.... I'm sad, confused, and heart broken.

kittykitty

First and foremost, welcome, and you have come to the right place.

:ghug3 And there's a big hug for you.

Read the stickies at the top of the forum, there is so much wisdom up there, and in so many of the stories you will see yourself, and your situation, and you can indentify with and learn from other's experiences. I know how you feel, and where you are at. We have all been there. You may think, 'no you haven't" but believe me, we all have. Welcome, and keep coming back!

TakingCharge999

He says this is who I am

It is so very sad when they identify themselves so much with their alcoholism that they become it.

My XABF (ex alcoholic bf) told me "he wasn't the one I wanted him to be".

As far as I recall he already was someone smiley, nice, good friend, funny and interesting. With time, yes, he wasn't that person anymore, he was a drunken jerk throwing venom at me for no reason.


I am glad you are here. You have the right to chose who you spend your time with. My XABF said he was planning on drinking until the last day of his life. Sadly as we see often in this forums, yes, they do drink until the last day of their life, and many die very very young, even on their 30s.

It has been 1.5 years since I left XABF and he is drinking as usual. I thought he would change for me but that was because I thought he was a social drinker that can cut back or don't drink at all for months and its no biggie. Like me. Its NOT even a "topic".

But he is not the same way.

Here I learned about alcoholism and found out XABF has signs of being an alcoholic in his early career. The more you know about this disease the better. One thing that is essential for me when I ache for this is remembering

I cant control him.
I cant tell anyone how to live their life.
I cant cure him. Only AA and doctors.
AND

I have nothing to do with his way of drinking.
He drank before I knew him.
He drank when we were together.
He keeps drinking as hell.
He plans on continuing drinking.

I can do nothing. NOTHING. I am not God.





Regarding your living situation, can you start saving so you can move out? isn't there any family in your town you could resort to where you live? do you have any girl friends willing to share apartment costs with you? there are many options..

I moved in with XABF in a different city and had no one but him, yet I decided to leave. At that time I was in so much pain ANYWHERE was better than next to him. Now I am more at peace and wish I would have left sooner. I am glad you work and got financial independence. I work too and it would have sucked to depend on him.

You will get through this and grow stronger. :ghug3

transformyself

Thank you for your post, for coming here and asking for help. We understand.
Have you started attending Al anon meetings?

sclarke64448

Hey TC how long did you live with your xabf for? xx

coffeedrinker

irojo,

welcome to soberrecovery! this is a great site, and sure to assist you in finding out what it is that you are here to learn.

i would like to take a small issue with this, from your original post:
He can not say no!

he does not choose to say no. he doesn't want to say no. YOU want him to.

keep coming back here. it will give you strength.

lrojo06

Thank you all for your kind words. I was brought to tears from takingcharge999... This weekend started off rocky but ended up being pretty good. Friday afternoon when I got home from work he was already drinking. I decided I couldn't be there and see him with his glossy eyes and slurred speech. I left to spend sometime with a few close friends and then went home. He got home around 3am and was still drunk. I cried a lot and we ended up talking until 6am. He admitted that him and his one friend alone had just finished a 30 pack. He said he wants to be better and he doesn't like being the way he is because he knows I don't deserve it. We talked a lot about his dads addiction and how it affected his family. He cried and said he wants to be better so he can marry me one day. Saturday was good, we slept a lot since we had stayed up so late. Later on we went to a friends house to watch a fight and he drank 2 budlights. We were home and in bed by midnight!!!! Sunday was mothers day and he didn't drink at all. We spent the second half of our day at Disney Land. It was so nice and of course I saw the man I want to be with forever. I told him this is the last chance I am giving him. I hope and pray I can stand by my word. I know I am not ready to walk away just yet.

coffeedrinker

I understand not being ready to walk away. I also understand seeing glimpses of the man you know that he truly is, which is not always the same as the man he might act like on a given day. And that is exactly the behavior that can keep us stuck with someone for longer than is healthy. I truly hope, for your sake, that the pattern doesn't go on and on.