tjp613

I've been emotionally and mentally been preparing for this time for the last couple of years. I've hit bottom and I'm turning my 19 year old son over to God.

I'm hurting inside. I feel like I'm signing his death warrant.

I'm gonna need you guys.

Thanks for being here.

Christen

we are here for you when you need support.

outtolunch

My daughter was 19 when I let go of my fantasy that I could control her or addiction. She too had been diagnosed with bipolar and just about every other emotional/mental disorder.

I felt just as you do, right now....about signing her death warrant. It was all about my fantasy that I controlled her and relieving her of responsibility for her own life.

In the end, it came down to mutual survival. She's been clean for quite some time now. ( I refuse to track her clean time). She is also relatively stable from an emotional standpoint and no longer relies on any medications.

That's today. Tommorrow will take care of itself.

Spiritual Seeker

Step 1, Step 2 and Step 3 ( I can't, he can, I'll let him )

be patient,believe and let go for now.
Work on your own recovery (for me it was al-anon)
and when your son comes around, you'll both be in a better place.

Ann

Just like we don't have any power over their addiction, we don't have any power over their life or death...it's all out of our hands no matter what we do.

I too gave my son to God several years ago, and my faith lets me feel peace over that.

Our Step 2 is "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I choose to call that power God, and it works for me.

I feel your pain, it's not an easy decision. But the truth is, we never did have any power over their addiction. Thinking we did was an illusion.

Hugs

Chino

I promise to hope for you, if all you have right now is fear. I'll pray for your serenity and his sobriety, one day at a time.

outonalimb

Someone here (wish I could remember who...) told me once that God doesn't have any grandchildren. That we are all his children. Your son is in God's care. He always has been. You aren't signing his death warrant but placing him in more competent, powerful hands...

We're here for you.....
Prayers for you and your son

Impurrfect

(((tjp))) - believe it or not, even when I was out there on the streets, I still had my faith in God, though it was skewed and I thought He would look out for me when I was doing stupid stuff. I knew people were praying for me and when I got locked up and couldn't get out, the first thought that came to my mind was "God did for me, what I couldn't do for myself". I often told people that He got tired of waiting for me to make the right decision and took it out of my hands.

Of course, I was still an angry addict and had to go through a lot of feelings to actually FEEL grateful, but it truly helped knowing people were praying for me, even if it didn't really register at the time.

Whether your son knows/feels this, I thought maybe it would help YOU to know.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

HopeforKate

You will get so much support here at SR. I can so relate to your fears and worries. I recently had to let go of my 21 year old daughter, who is a heroin addict. I take it one day at a time, go to my meetings, read the posts at SR daily and turn my worries and fears over to my HP.

My prayers go out to you and your son.

Diana

tjp613

Thank you all so very much. I know it's been said a thousand times on these boards but it's soooooo comforting being among people who KNOW where I sit now. I'm not looking forward to the days ahead. The past 3 years were tough, but nothing compared to what lies ahead. I feel like I can do what I need to do if I just have you all in my corner propping me up.

One day at a time for now. (((Hugs)))) to you all.

tjp613

Well, it's been 18 days since I posted this thread. The first few days he and I were still in contact and he was doing his dance. Then when he found I couldn't be manipulated he stopped contacting me. In the last 6 days I've sent 3 texts just letting him know that I love him. He hasn't answered in any way.

We've always been so loving and close--even thru the worst of it-- and this is a whole new ball game for me and him.

There's that part of me that is so scared that he'll think I'm a cold hearted b!tch and that I just don't give a hoot what happens to him anymore. The fact that I'm not calling him is probably hurting him quite a bit.

He is in some contact with his dad (because he can still be manipulated a bit) but he, too, is finally starting to get it. I don't even contact his dad to get updates....only once this whole week which is major for both of us.

As for what I'm doing for ME.... I'm being lazy, getting rest, trying to enjoy my co-workers and friends, calling out for support when needed, playing lots of online scrabble, cuddling with and walking my dogs, focusing on my daughter for a change, trying NOT to rely on wine to get me thru the bad nights, and taking deep breaths.

How am I doing?

(I think I'll post this in the Daily Detachers Thread ,too, so sorry for the dupe.)

Hope44

Been wondering where things stand and am glad for the update. I know how heartbreaking this must be for you. Assuming everything goes as planned I will be in your shoes in exactly ten days. Including a cuddly golden retriever and two other wonderful sons who we've been remembering not to neglect thru all this.

I think you're doing as best as can be under the circumstances. I know for me I will be doing alot of praying and trusting. And looking for the joy in this season as well.

Keep breathing.

tjp613

I have a golden, too!

mooselips

hugs to you...

Impurrfect

(((tjp))) - I wouldn't have responded to my dad if he had txtd me (though I didn't have a phone, because I spent all MY money on dope!) because that would have made me face the reality that I was hurting him.

I know it FEELS very, very personal but it's not...he's in his own little world...all he's thinking about is getting high and having fun. He doesn't want to DEAL with reality..that he has a family that loves and cares about him and wants him off the dope. His answer to EVERYTHING, right now is getting high and having "fun". It's just how our minds work when were active. The drugs literally take over our minds.

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I KNOW how hard it is...been on this side, though not with a child.

If it makes you feel any better, I DID always know that my dad loved me...no matter what. I was a tough, street walking, dope-smoking idiot, but when my head cleared and I was finally ready for recovery (after some pretty harsh bottoms)...well, you see where I'm at now

Big hugs and prayers!!

Amy

Big hugs and prayers!!

Amy

tjp613

Today is a very sad day for me and I'm going to just feel the feelings rather than try to find some way of hiding from them or putting on some kind of OTHER face for everyone around me. I'm sad.

I'm sad because my 16 year old, fairly level-headed daughter came home stoned last night. She has witnessed all the chaos and drama we have been through with her older brother and yet, here she is, heading down the same path at the same age. How in the world can I tell her what she doesn't already know? W-T-F??? I took the tiny bit of marijuana that she had away from her, we both cried and I begged a bit, then went to bed. Today I have to decide what the consequences will be and I'm feeling paralyzed. Go easy? Be harsh? Boyfriend? Car? How long?

I feel totally inept.

wicked

oh, tjp, i know these feelings well.
especially feeling paralyzed.
i wish i had some powerful words of wisdom, but i, too, am struggling with my 17 year old daughter.
i am there with you.

Impurrfect

(((tjp)))

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Chino

I remember feeling inept like it was yesterday

We moved to another county when my daughter was 12 and she never really adjusted. She isolated and stayed to herself at first, but after she got to know a few kids at 13, all hell broke loose. She'd only been grounded one time prior to our move because her behavior had always been fine.

Anyway, I came down too hard. I made groundings last two weeks and they included phone, computer, TV. I effectively cut off all communication at home, so naturally school became her social time and she got into more trouble. That led to extended groundings. The school eventually called me and asked me to ease up because it obviously wasn't working. This went on for the next 4 years.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't make the same mistake I did, and promote more bad choices. Protect her and yourself, the car is a pretty good place to start. DUI is serious. Take away that privilege long enough for it to sting. Base the duration on what's worked in the past and add to it, adjusting for her age.

You won't be able to stop her from experimenting, but she can learn it's not acceptable to you and there are consequences.

Callie

TJP - I'm so sorry. You know what though? At this point you don't know what's experimental and what's a habit. I know when I got in trouble @ that age grounding helped me alot. That included my BF not coming over (XAH @ the time). I had to stay home, that greatly put a damper on my social life, which I did NOT like.

You won't be able to stop her from experimenting, but she can learn it's not acceptable to you and there are consequences.

I agree 100%