This Hurts
ThatLittleGirl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
This Hurts
I am having a bad day today...I don't know why it's hitting me so hard now, why I can't stop crying...but I can't. My house is almost ready to be put up "For Sale"...it looks really good, my family has helped me tremendously...I'm so grateful to have such a loving and supportive set of parents and sister. I should be relieved, and I am...but today I am utterly sad...and scared. My AH didn't look well this weekend, and it hurt so much. I could see he is not ready to give it up yet...and I guess I had hoped he was. I keep thinking...he's getting worse, not better...and it scares me. I am petrified after I move into my parent's house (June 1st), he's really going to get bad... I fear getting a phone call saying he passed-away... I don't know what I'd do...???? I have been denying it for awhile now, but I have to recognize that I love him tremendously...still...foolish or not, the love just doesn't go away. I always say, I married the perfect man for me...once upon a time. I just want him to STOP dam*it...just STOP...but he won't. And now that things have slowed down for me, and I don't have something to keep my mind preoccupied, I'm slowing down enough to realize the end of me and him is approaching. I will be back to our town one time after I leave to finalize the divorce...but I probably won't be back for a long time after that... I don't know, the reality is just all crashing all around me, and I'm feeling the emotions like blasts to the heart today...even though I know it's for the best. I had hoped all the crying was past me... I guess I have another round still left in me...
Anyway, I just had to get this out this morning...hoping if I can work through it...it won't hurt as much...thanks SR for the outlet...!!!
Anyway, I just had to get this out this morning...hoping if I can work through it...it won't hurt as much...thanks SR for the outlet...!!!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((girl))
Good, bad, healthy or unhealthy - change is painful and we do feel lots of emotions associated with changes in our lives - grief about the things and dreams we've lost - fear of the unknown up ahead -
I believe that all of this is the normal process that we face as we make these decisions to change our lives - it's not easy but it is part of how we heal.
Remember you have come a long way and MADE It - you will make it thru these stressful days too!!
Hold on that inner HP that has given you this strength, courage and wisdom so far - it will continue to guide you!!
Don't forget you deserve lots of self-care and TLC!!!!
HUGS,
Rita
Good, bad, healthy or unhealthy - change is painful and we do feel lots of emotions associated with changes in our lives - grief about the things and dreams we've lost - fear of the unknown up ahead -
I believe that all of this is the normal process that we face as we make these decisions to change our lives - it's not easy but it is part of how we heal.
Remember you have come a long way and MADE It - you will make it thru these stressful days too!!
Hold on that inner HP that has given you this strength, courage and wisdom so far - it will continue to guide you!!
Don't forget you deserve lots of self-care and TLC!!!!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
awww...TLG...I feel so bad for you.
You're experiencing alot of loss in your life right now. Loss of your marital home...a place where you thought you would continue to build a life with your AH...the loss of your relationship with him...moving back in with your parents...so much loss all at once. you're bound to feel alot of emotions.
My exah and I lost our marital home too due to costs associated with his addiction. Of all the things I went thru, all the fear and pain and everything that goes along with watching your spouse slip deeper into addiction, losing my home was just such a concrete example of my loss. So many dreams wrapped up in that place. I think its just symbolic of everything that you've lost lately.
Please just be really kind to yourself right now. you have alot of healing to do and its going to take time but take it from someone who's been where you are...things WILL get better and it WILL get easier with time.
I used to 'future-trip' about my exah too. I was sure he'd spiral down even deeper into his addiction (if that was even possible) once I left and I used to prepare the speech I would give our son explaining his death in my head I was so sure he would end up dead.
Well, he didn't end up dead. In fact, he found recovery (from drugs) and he has actually admitted to me many times over that had I not left like I did, he probably would have kept right on going because he had no reason to stop...my efforts to 'save' him from himself had made things pretty comfy for him.
I guess I'm just trying to remind you that you don't know what the future holds. People can and do recover but what happens to your AH from this point forward is entirely up to him. Right now, you just need to love yourself and pamper yourself and give yourself time and space to heal.
Sending hugs of understanding...
It may not seem like it now, but things WILL get better for you because you're doing the right thing for yourself and your AH right now no matter how difficult it is. Hang in there...
You're experiencing alot of loss in your life right now. Loss of your marital home...a place where you thought you would continue to build a life with your AH...the loss of your relationship with him...moving back in with your parents...so much loss all at once. you're bound to feel alot of emotions.
My exah and I lost our marital home too due to costs associated with his addiction. Of all the things I went thru, all the fear and pain and everything that goes along with watching your spouse slip deeper into addiction, losing my home was just such a concrete example of my loss. So many dreams wrapped up in that place. I think its just symbolic of everything that you've lost lately.
Please just be really kind to yourself right now. you have alot of healing to do and its going to take time but take it from someone who's been where you are...things WILL get better and it WILL get easier with time.
I used to 'future-trip' about my exah too. I was sure he'd spiral down even deeper into his addiction (if that was even possible) once I left and I used to prepare the speech I would give our son explaining his death in my head I was so sure he would end up dead.
Well, he didn't end up dead. In fact, he found recovery (from drugs) and he has actually admitted to me many times over that had I not left like I did, he probably would have kept right on going because he had no reason to stop...my efforts to 'save' him from himself had made things pretty comfy for him.
I guess I'm just trying to remind you that you don't know what the future holds. People can and do recover but what happens to your AH from this point forward is entirely up to him. Right now, you just need to love yourself and pamper yourself and give yourself time and space to heal.
Sending hugs of understanding...
It may not seem like it now, but things WILL get better for you because you're doing the right thing for yourself and your AH right now no matter how difficult it is. Hang in there...
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