Ask me about living with an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Ask me about living with an alcoholic?
It has been FOREVER since I've been on here. I love the people on here. They helped me so much in the past and I just wanted to share.
I FINALLY got away from my abusive alcoholic. Eight months after starting chemo, he threw me out. Seems he couldn't handle the hair loss or the fact that I couldn't do the slave duties quite as well. He didn't care that I had cancer. He cared ONLY about himself. PRAISE GOD THAT HE THREW ME OUT!!!!! Honestly, I have so much peace now. No more walking on eggshells. No more drunken rages. No more bullying. No more praying that he'd pass out when he finally made it home. No more worrying that he'd abuse the dogs in order to hurt me. I've been gone for ONE YEAR now. I'm still fighting cancer, but I'm finally starting to win. Getting away from the stress has done me a world of good. I'm finally living [B]MY[B]life now, and not wasting one more day with an alcoholic. That was not living. I was simply existing. I was living every single day of my life trying to please someone who COULD NOT be pleased. He was, is, and always will be a miserable excuse for a man. Hey, I'm just being honest here. If anyone wants any advice on how to waste 17 years of your life trying to make an alcoholic happy....ASK ME!!!!
I have stage 4 breast cancer that has spread to both lungs and my lymph nodes. Do I have regrets???? I regret the day that I met that man. I regret that I allowed him to control me and live in my house with myself and my daughter. I regret that I wasn't strong enough to see...really see...that he will never be happy until he quits drinking and gets some SERIOUS counseling. I was warned, but I thought, 'No, I can change him. It'll be different with me.' Now here I am with advanced breast cancer, wondering where my life went. Does everyone know what the stress of living with an alcoholic does to our minds, bodies, and spirits??? It's a slow and painful death.
But NOW....I go to sleep peacefully at night. No one EVER comes in the room yelling at me. My dog sleeps peacefully beside me. No one will EVER hit her again. I do WHAT I want to do....WHEN I want to do it. I may not have a lot of time left, but at least I can actually LIVE what time I do have left.
Thank you for allowing me to share!!!
Grace
I FINALLY got away from my abusive alcoholic. Eight months after starting chemo, he threw me out. Seems he couldn't handle the hair loss or the fact that I couldn't do the slave duties quite as well. He didn't care that I had cancer. He cared ONLY about himself. PRAISE GOD THAT HE THREW ME OUT!!!!! Honestly, I have so much peace now. No more walking on eggshells. No more drunken rages. No more bullying. No more praying that he'd pass out when he finally made it home. No more worrying that he'd abuse the dogs in order to hurt me. I've been gone for ONE YEAR now. I'm still fighting cancer, but I'm finally starting to win. Getting away from the stress has done me a world of good. I'm finally living [B]MY[B]life now, and not wasting one more day with an alcoholic. That was not living. I was simply existing. I was living every single day of my life trying to please someone who COULD NOT be pleased. He was, is, and always will be a miserable excuse for a man. Hey, I'm just being honest here. If anyone wants any advice on how to waste 17 years of your life trying to make an alcoholic happy....ASK ME!!!!
I have stage 4 breast cancer that has spread to both lungs and my lymph nodes. Do I have regrets???? I regret the day that I met that man. I regret that I allowed him to control me and live in my house with myself and my daughter. I regret that I wasn't strong enough to see...really see...that he will never be happy until he quits drinking and gets some SERIOUS counseling. I was warned, but I thought, 'No, I can change him. It'll be different with me.' Now here I am with advanced breast cancer, wondering where my life went. Does everyone know what the stress of living with an alcoholic does to our minds, bodies, and spirits??? It's a slow and painful death.
But NOW....I go to sleep peacefully at night. No one EVER comes in the room yelling at me. My dog sleeps peacefully beside me. No one will EVER hit her again. I do WHAT I want to do....WHEN I want to do it. I may not have a lot of time left, but at least I can actually LIVE what time I do have left.
Thank you for allowing me to share!!!
Grace
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Grace your post took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes...
God bless and keep you!
:ghug3
But NOW....I go to sleep peacefully at night. No one EVER comes in the room yelling at me. My dog sleeps peacefully beside me. No one will EVER hit her again. I do WHAT I want to do....WHEN I want to do it. I may not have a lot of time left, but at least I can actually LIVE what time I do have left.
God bless and keep you!
:ghug3
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Oh Grace, I often wondered what happened to you when you disappeared from the board, I remember your A being a particularly nasty piece of work. Sounds like he did you a favour eh, am so sorry to hear your cancer was so advanced though, how bittersweet. Lovely to hear from you, thank you for the update. *hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Thank you so much for the kind replies to this post.
For those who remember me, they know that I left this man before. Three times as a matter of fact. The first time was when he was living with me in my home. He moved out BECAUSE I took my daughter on a 3-day vacation. He warned me that he would move out if I did. CONTROL?!? I would NEVER chose a man over my child. When we got home....he was gone. The second time was immediately after my first cancer diagnosis. That was in 2004. Having a woman with breast cancer was not something that this man could handle. I'm emphasizing this to anyone on here who keeps returning to their A, whether he is abusive or not. He would bait me back in, making me think it would be different. Once he had me back where he wanted me, the behavior started again, and each time it was worse. It was like a game to him. "Can I get her back? If I do, she is gonna pay this time." It's about control and one-upmanship! He always had to win! In the end....I lost and my daughter lost too. She is with a controlling alcoholic now...and it's because I set such a poor example for her.
NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THEM! They have to want to change. When I put this on here, I wasn't looking for sympathy. I just want each one of you who has made it your mission to change your A, to realize that YOU can't change them and you can't make them happy. PLEASE don't let one more day pass by trying to. Get out there and enjoy your life. Live every day to the fullest. None of us truly know when this day is going to be our last. Life is too precious to waste trying to make another person happy!!!
For those who remember me, they know that I left this man before. Three times as a matter of fact. The first time was when he was living with me in my home. He moved out BECAUSE I took my daughter on a 3-day vacation. He warned me that he would move out if I did. CONTROL?!? I would NEVER chose a man over my child. When we got home....he was gone. The second time was immediately after my first cancer diagnosis. That was in 2004. Having a woman with breast cancer was not something that this man could handle. I'm emphasizing this to anyone on here who keeps returning to their A, whether he is abusive or not. He would bait me back in, making me think it would be different. Once he had me back where he wanted me, the behavior started again, and each time it was worse. It was like a game to him. "Can I get her back? If I do, she is gonna pay this time." It's about control and one-upmanship! He always had to win! In the end....I lost and my daughter lost too. She is with a controlling alcoholic now...and it's because I set such a poor example for her.
NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THEM! They have to want to change. When I put this on here, I wasn't looking for sympathy. I just want each one of you who has made it your mission to change your A, to realize that YOU can't change them and you can't make them happy. PLEASE don't let one more day pass by trying to. Get out there and enjoy your life. Live every day to the fullest. None of us truly know when this day is going to be our last. Life is too precious to waste trying to make another person happy!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thank you Grace, such powerfull posts.
I've making some changes in my life lately as I came to conslusion if I continue doing what I'm doing I'm going to get myself really ill. And what would happen to my children than?
You're so right, so many of us have set ourselfs on this impossible quest of changing someone in order to fulfill the dream of the life we once had, unaware of the fact how much of the damage is being done to us. Our ignorance of that damage is at times greater than the ignorance of the damage of an A in regard to his own life.
Thank you for posting this.
Also, I'd just like to add my mum was also stage 4 breast cancer, and I'm convinced that was the result of the stressfull life with my AF. She fought for her life and she recovered and now is living the most amazing life. I hope you will too.
Wish you all the best
I've making some changes in my life lately as I came to conslusion if I continue doing what I'm doing I'm going to get myself really ill. And what would happen to my children than?
You're so right, so many of us have set ourselfs on this impossible quest of changing someone in order to fulfill the dream of the life we once had, unaware of the fact how much of the damage is being done to us. Our ignorance of that damage is at times greater than the ignorance of the damage of an A in regard to his own life.
Thank you for posting this.
Also, I'd just like to add my mum was also stage 4 breast cancer, and I'm convinced that was the result of the stressfull life with my AF. She fought for her life and she recovered and now is living the most amazing life. I hope you will too.
Wish you all the best
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: jefferson pa
Posts: 14
Grace , My prayers are with you . I too had breast cancer when I was 32 i am now 40..so I made it thru the battle . I know how hard it is . when I had my cancer and was going thru chemo , no hair ( just a wig) my AH was not there ..never went to one chemo session with me .Also some really terrible additional things too but the point is yes after that i left and then went back and left again etc ... your post helped me to remember all that ..believe me they dont ever change until they want to but its the damage that is left behind from all the years of trying to help someone that doesnt want it . I truly believe too that stress does trigger many health problems . all the more reason that we all have to think of our own sanity first .
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Thank you, Grace! I'm struggling with detaching. My head knows I need to but my heart isn't there yet. But, you are right, I am so done with wanting to help someone who continues to blame me for the "emptiness inside" him and continues to drink because I am "so awful to come home to." He's divorcing me, I have a place to move....so MOVE!
Thanks, Grace, for a beautiful and helpful post. You are an angel among us. Prayers for you and for your new life!
Thanks, Grace, for a beautiful and helpful post. You are an angel among us. Prayers for you and for your new life!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Thank you!
Thank you so much for the encouraging words pertaining to those who survived their battle with cancer. My oncologist said that some of the larger tumors in my lungs have decreased in size since the last CT scan. I do believe that it's because I'm FINALLY happy and I don't have to walk on eggshells any longer. I am truly happy and at peace....and I don't have a man in my life. First time in 37 years. Or should I say...it's the first time that I don't have an alcoholic in my life and I feel ALIVE at last.
I also want to thank all of you for the hugs and prayers. Prayer is powerful!!! I will tell you a short story about one night in particular when my A came home. I was in bed, pretending to sleep, with all three of our dogs. He was trashed when he got home and came up to the bedroom and started his usual performance. Screaming and yelling at me for no apparent reason. Blaming me for everything that has ever gone wrong and tearing down every part of my physical and emotional being. When he had completed to his liking, I cried and I prayed. I prayed EXTRA hard this night that God would help me to find a way out. I knew that I couldn't live like this any longer. Three days later I received a letter of approval for assistance with housing. I didn't tell my alcoholic. Two days after receiving this letter, my loving and compassionate alcoholic threw me out. I've been gone ever since!!!! Thank you GOD!!! I have my own place now and I am free from the insanity!! Life is good.
And NOW my prayer is that any of you who are suffering and are in pain like I was, can also find a way out. Life is just too short! Be happy! Get out and enjoy the sunshine and the flowers. Stop wasting your life trying to make them happy. It's impossible!
Love and hugs and prayers to you all!
Grace
I also want to thank all of you for the hugs and prayers. Prayer is powerful!!! I will tell you a short story about one night in particular when my A came home. I was in bed, pretending to sleep, with all three of our dogs. He was trashed when he got home and came up to the bedroom and started his usual performance. Screaming and yelling at me for no apparent reason. Blaming me for everything that has ever gone wrong and tearing down every part of my physical and emotional being. When he had completed to his liking, I cried and I prayed. I prayed EXTRA hard this night that God would help me to find a way out. I knew that I couldn't live like this any longer. Three days later I received a letter of approval for assistance with housing. I didn't tell my alcoholic. Two days after receiving this letter, my loving and compassionate alcoholic threw me out. I've been gone ever since!!!! Thank you GOD!!! I have my own place now and I am free from the insanity!! Life is good.
And NOW my prayer is that any of you who are suffering and are in pain like I was, can also find a way out. Life is just too short! Be happy! Get out and enjoy the sunshine and the flowers. Stop wasting your life trying to make them happy. It's impossible!
Love and hugs and prayers to you all!
Grace
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