onlyliveonce

My ex-husband was sent to prison a few days ago. We were married for 18 yrs. and divorced Nov.09. He has no family in the state except for son and I. Even the family he has in another state does not have anything to do with him. I'm trying to figure out how to be supportive without enabling. Is it enabling if I visit him or send him cards of words of encouragement? Son has no interest in visiting dad; I wish I could be as indifferent about the situation as he is. When he was in county jail awaiting a trial I wasn't thinking about him and his circumstances as much and now that he's been transferred to prison it's all I've thought about for the last couple of days.

He has a long road ahead of him and I just don't want him to be neeeding much of nothing from me except and encouraging word or so. I know when he's around me he feels comforted and around something that is familiar to him. This is his first time in prison. He writes and I write and let him know what's going on on the outside. He knows how dissapointed I am in the decisions he has made. I don't know if I will ever understand why so I just go with "cause that's what addicts do, they hurt the ones that love them the most". He's really just thankful I will still communicate with him because no one else gives a rats a** about him or what he's going through. I told him he has one of the nicest ex-wives I know )

I'm trying to figure out what role I want to have in this and what I am willing an not willing to do. Also wanted to see if visiting would be considered enabling. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for him, although I told him many years ago that this is where it would end if he did not stop. He did not stop and I started learning what I could do to make my life better and I did it. It's been a long road for me and I've learned so much about myself and what is acceptable and what is not; that's why I divorced him So what do you guys think?????

Pelican

How much homework have you done on codependency?

onlyliveonce

ALOT Pelican. I've been learning about my co-dependent ways for 2-3 years. That's why I want to proceed with caution and make sure whatever decision I make is good FOR ME. That's really all that matters in the end. Also that I'm not enabling him in anyway. I don't do that anymore and don't plan on starting back. I've read all of Melody Beatties books on co-dependency also. I have copies I refer back to often. Just feeling a little uptight tonight about all this.

Pelican

It just seems to be a huge risk of becoming emotionally attached.

He is in prison for strong arm robbery.
10 year sentence
Possibly serving 2 years, w/ 2 years probation

You already sound like you are emotionally wanting to rescue him. You wrote:

He has no family in the state except for son and I

the family he has in another state does not have anything to do with him

Son has no interest in visiting dad
I wish I could be as indifferent about the situation as he is (describing son's detachment, right?)

I know when he's around me he feels comforted and around something that is familiar to him.

This is his first time in prison

He's really just thankful I will still communicate with him because no one else gives a rats a** about him or what he's going through

You are not responsible for any of those things/feelings/consequences.

You, my friend, have a chance to live your life to the best of your ability. This is your one precious life. Do you want to spend it emotionally enmeshed with your AexH while he sits in prison as a result of his actions?

Wouldn't that make you an emotional prisoner too?

Have you asked yourself why?
Why You?
Why You Now?

onlyliveonce

My EXH knows if anyone will lay the truth out to him I will. He doesn't have to like it he just has to respect it. He does not get too far with his manipulative ways becasue I see it coming a mile away now and he knows I've been on to him and don't play his games anymore. When he was in county jail for 8 months I told him the only contact I would have is by mail; I would not come see him and I would not hook my phone up to talk to him. Now that he's headed to prison I thought it might be good to reach out to him and let him know he has not been forgotten - divorced or not. I am willing to help him get into a half way house when he is released but after that it's all on him. He realizes he's there because of himself only and his choices. It's really a shame he really had alot of potential to do many great things but the alcohol and drugs got him first. I'm doing good though, raising our son and enjoying every minute of the peace and quiet!! I've spent alot of time the last year or so just learning about what I want and it's been wonderful!!!

Jadmack25

I give these things the "comfort" test.
If I feel comfortable and happy about doing something....I go do it.
If I am not completely comfortable, or have a niggling doubt about it....I don't do it.

You say "He writes and I write", and now you are looking at visits to him in gaol.

If you were comfortable doing this, would you be asking here?

If he has lost family and friends thru his choices, then that was his decision....made while in addiction and not quite of sound mind maybe, but made by him anyway....
You can feel sorry for him, and for the position he got himself into....but maybe he needs to feel the loneliness and misery in gaol, to get his life back.
Rescuing someone from their misery or discomfort is not always for their good.

I would look very closely at why I was wanting to do more for him.

God bless

Pelican

What do you want for yourself?

What does your future plan look like?

onlyliveonce

That's exactly what I don't want to happen Pelican!! Maybe I just need to sit with these feelings for awhile and don't act on anything. I'm just feeling the human side to it all I suppose. Like what if that was me, would I want someone to come see me? No Pelican I do not want to be an emotional prisoner anymore, did that for too many years but for some reason since the divorce is done I feel disconnected from him. I just feel for his situtation I guess. He knows I'm out here raising our son alone and that I will not accept any drama in my life, including him. So here I am sitting with these feelings..................

Yes son is detached very nicely, I think I'll work on following his example

suki44883

My advice is to tread very, very carefully. You talk a good game, but it sounds like you are feeling sorry for him. That is dangerous territory. BS and manipulation may be the farthest thing from his mind while talking with you, because it's easy to grasp on to any hope out there for him while he's sitting in prison. The thing is, he might say the right things and you will be tempted to step further into the situation. You say now that you won't, but you can't be sure of that. I advise you to think long and hard about whether you want to open this door.

onlyliveonce

I've learned I won't settle for anything less than I deserve, which is everything!!! I will be finishing my 2 yr. degree in Dec., teaching son to drive in the next few months and I am just a simple girl really I just want to be happy and content with my life now that I realize all that comes from the inside. I still have alot of work to do

onlyliveonce

Thank you Pelican!!!! I feel like I need to tread very carefully also. That's why I reached out here to help get my head straight. I'm just going to sit on all this and just day a little prayer for him tonight. That's the best thing I know to do at this point!!!!

Pelican

You are shinning in your recovery! You are taking care of yourself and your son! Good on YOU! We see that in your posts and in how you are making changes. Your recovery is showing.

This is just one of those situations that needs extreme caution. Is your recovery strong enough to keep you from getting hooked?

I know I have felt confident in my recovery. Strapped on my tool belt full of shiney recovery tools and stepped out into the world - only to feel overwhelmed and slip back into the triangle of codependency. I rescue, then I persecute, then I become the victim - again.

Our concern is for YOU.

Do you have a plan if he asks you to put money on his books while in prison?

Are you committed to helping him into a half-way house, even if you are involved in another relationship?

onlyliveonce

My answer to the books is NO, and that word IS a complete sentence. I don't have to explain anything to him and won't. I was standing beside this man when he was sentenced to prison but there again, it is what it is.

I am committed to helping him get into some kind of recovery house and if he doesn't want to go there to h*ll with him, he can go on back to prison because if he stays on the streets that's where he will end back at. What he does does not affect my life anymore, I don't allow it, don't really know why I'm struggling tonight. I am not in another relationship yet but I'm sure the day will come and if this came up as an issue, it wouldn't be an issue for long, know what I mean??

Pelican

I think you are going to be OK!!

Spiritual Seeker

often things don't require action...we can just turn it over

Whether he is alone, lonely, having a tough time - doesn't have to be your concern.
This is not something you can make better.

Good idea to give this time and let go for now.

JoeVet

It was my understanding that the courts/parole officers help with release into halfway houses. You don't have to get involved with his after care unless you want to be involved for some reason. He is a big boy and he does have other resources.

sapphire69

In my opinion this just sounds like a big ol can of worms to me! He at some point needs to have accountability for his actions and although you feel bad that he has no one else maybe he could take this time alone to reflect on what his actions have done to the people around him. Like I said, this is just my opinion.

AWEDA

JoeVet,
They might say they help prisoners get into half way houses etc. but where I live they do nothing. You are given 50.00 and told to get out. If you don't move fast enough they tell you to move now!

My ex did 3 rounds in prison the last time spent 3 months in the infirmary when he should have been in a real hospital. He died 4 weeks later.

Prison does nothing for many who go there,most times they go back.

onlyliveonce

I was under the impression that the PO would help him do this but that's not the case. From what i've heard Aweda is right on point with what the do for their aftercare: nothing; so most will eventually end up back in prison because they have no one to advocate for them on the outside. I have about 6 months or so to deicde something so I'm in no hurry. I'm still sitting with my feelings and processing it all After I talked to you guys last night my heart didn't feel as heavy or bothered for some reason, THANK YOU to everyone for helping screw my head back on right!!!

Freedom1990

I met my EXAH when he was fresh out of prison on armed robbery charges, along with several other felonies.

I was ripe for someone who 'needed' me.

That was 5 years of hell I do not ever wish to repeat in my life.

He's now deceased, complications from AIDS.

I missed that gift by about 2 weeks.

God has been good to me.