Gemmie

I am done. I went a whole year doing all the "right" things, not drinking or drugging....going to meetings almost daily...talking to my sponser daily...praying..reaching out to the newcomers...involved with my home group...not dating...if it was suggested to me I did it.

But I am still not happy.

I met so many sick and hurtful people when I was drinking and I am still meeting them in AA. The honest part of this program seems to have missed many people. I know I am still sick too and I have a long way to go, but I dont do many of the things I used, I do work this program every day. And its hard!!!! But I still do it. And what do I get for it?? More **** in my life. I am sick and tired of it all. I give up. I havent been to a meeting in almost two weeks, not talking to my sponser...I want to drink sooo badly. I dont want to go back, but I dont want to drink...dont know what the hell to do.

Why are people so mean?? And why do I meet such mean people??? When is enough enough?

I call my mood..."pissed off with the world" thats where I am right now. I dont care much about anything. I go to work and thats it. And I am scared. This is not a good place for me to be.

Sorry...just venting.

Rev

Have you done any reading up, or talked to your doctor at all, about depression? I ask because I suffer from it, and I have known many times when I despaired that nothing I could do would relieve the pain/boredom/anger I felt. The good thing is, it's a treatable disease.

Rev

Gypsy Feet

I have spent time in that place too. The thing is, I really, really, really don't want to drink again. So after the first week of isolating, I picked up a good spiritual based type book (this particular one was Eat Love Pray). Stayed home another week reading and being sad, enjoying my pity party because sad is a comfortable, well known place for me. After the second week, the little voice inside my head that kept nagging me (go to a meeting, call your sponsor, your headed for trouble girly) got on my nerves enough, so I went back, grudgingly. I sat in the back, passed when asked to share, and made bad faces. People came and asked how I was, gave me hugs, I stayed in my foul mood

but I went back the next day, and the next, because deep down, I know that isolation might lead me to drink. Hey, they were right about the 24 hour thing right? and they were right about the accept things you cant change thing, and all of the other annoying sayings I have tested. So I was afraid they might be right about the part where if you dont do the deal, you'll drink again.


I have met shmucks in the rooms. I am learning, slowly and painfully, not to trust everyone I meet. To rely on myself and my HP. Right now I am in a period of solitude because it is where I need to be, to learn to be alone without being lonely. But I still go to meetings every other day. I still journal, work my steps, come here, and read good spiritually thought provoking books. And I am well today, content. For the moment, I am free of fear, shame and anger, which is so nice.

Just don't drink today. Take a baby step towards the light. We will still have pain, and meet shmucks, because we still have things to learn from both. Drinking won't make it better. hang in there.

box3

Gemmie, well done on making it a year. You're inspiring. I'm only on Day 7 and I respect your efforts immensely.

Some people suck, but that's no reason to give them power over your sobriety. You can't change other people, but it is possible to distance yourself from them. Is there any way you can work out your frustration physically, like going for a run or a swim?

Dee74

I can't say it any better than GF and Box really - life will always have its up and downs (and schmucks) but now we know for sure what won't work to fix it.

The one year mark can be a problem for a lot of us - not sure if it's PAWS or just the natural inclination to stop, look back, and take stock. Maybe Rev is on to something too?

If your life's not all you want it to be, then work on it Gemma - but drinking is the equivalent of doing nothing...it will almost certainly make things worse, and will never make things better.

A year is a great achievement. Don't cheapen it now
D

OZboy

..i think you are an inspiration...

coffeenut

A year! Congrats!

Like other have said, it's okay to feel mad/angry/disgust....whatever. Sometimes I think that as addicts, we think when we sober up, life is going to be rosy. But really, it can still be a hot mess. We just deal with it better, now.

Again, congrats on your year! That really is an accomplishment!

Ananda

OK so...it sounds like you were doing AA right?

If so...you didn't say if you were doing the steps???

there are lots of people with lots of ideas about the program (including the no dating the first year) that have almost NOTHING to do with the steps...

What step are you on?

If you have worked past step 5...maybe do a step 4 on what you are POed about right now...call your sponsor and go over it...and share the things you are POed at your sponsor about with some neutral party you trust.

If Ie just having a bad day and venting ... well thats one thing...

but if I find myself in a constant state of irritable restless and discontent...then crp...it ususally means i haven't got myself centered on step 1....the bedevilments...my inability to manage my emotions....

basically it means I'm in the insanity that procedes the first drink....

Anyhow..let us know how it goes...and If i've misunderstood where you are at my appologies.