OceanSize

well, i wrote him.

i could not stand the abuse via the internet. it was just feeling out of control and i had to draw a line of some sort.

i said the following things:

- i have been thinking of you
- i have been garnering expectations of you in the last few months that i now realize can't be met b/c you are clinically depressed. i have been blind and i am sorry about that...
- there are multiple resources here for attorneys in your situation, you are not alone
-there is no more talk of relationships, gf/ bf , no labels all that matters is his health.
- feel free to contact me when you make the decision to get help
- the first step is the hardest
- with love, oceansize

i feel good about it now.

i do not expect a response now or ever, but i feel good about what i have done.

i hope i did the right thing.

i think i did the right thing for me, as i feel relieved, and as if i've done the right thing for me.

i haven't been to an alanon meeting in a few days, i must go tomorrow.

OceanSize

oh god this isn't feeling so great anymore

Impurrfect

((Oceansize))

I wrote many letters to my XABF, stating how I felt, but in all honesty, I don't think they ever made any difference. I DO understand the need to get it out, though.

I think the only thing that made any impact was no response at all. It wasn't the response I wanted...he moved on. However, it was the response I needed in the long run.

FWIW, I'm an RA, too. We just don't think like normal people, we don't have the normal responses, and in most cases we think we're not harming anyone but ourselves if anyone.

Big hugs and prayers to you sweetie, I know this is hard.

Amy

barb dwyer

Indifference ALWAYS catalyes ANY human when you meet them.

I used to do the post breakup letter writing thing too ...

... until I realized it was nothing more than ME needing to get in 'the last word'.

WHen I learned that... I never felt the need to write a letter again.

OceanSize

i guess i feel ok about it bc there has been a terrible silence with no closure or actual "breakup"

then today the tormenting using twitter, facebook, the internet in general

it had to be closed up in some way i think.

i know he won't respond, and i'm looking forward to moving on because this has been toxic.

i do worry that he hates me - the codependency part will now be a huge challenge for me.

but in some way i feel free.

all b/c i sent those words. does that sound crazy???

Impurrfect

Crazy? no. Codie? probably, but it's not something many, many of us haven't done. Mots of us want closure. Sometimes we're lucky enough to get it, but I have to admit, most of the time we don't simply because the A is in their own little world and is convinced that they are right and everyone else is wrong.

Let it go, sweetie. What's done is done. Move on with your life and try to stay away from him and anything he does on the internet - don't read it, block it, whatever. Easier said than done, but it certainly makes our lives easier.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Freedom1990

We codies tend to personalize everything the addict does.

The truth of the matter is, he's free to post wherever, whenever, and whatever he pleases on the internet, just as millions of people do.

I don't have toxic people as my friends on FB.

I don't Twitter. I'm a full-time college student, so I don't have a lot of time for dabbling on the internet.

I pick and choose, use my time wisely on the internet.

I have no need to be there for someone who has treated me poorly, should they decide to find recovery, and that includes my 32 year old AD.

She's got to have a minimum of 2 years of solid recovery before I'd even consider letting her back into my life to any degree.

There are people far more qualified to help her, should she choose, than me.


Is recovery from codependency hard? You bet. However, it's a lot harder to live in the misery and obsession of active codependency day after day after day.

I'll take recovery, and healthy people in my life any day.

OceanSize

i'm so confused, i thought i was supposed to set the boundary, now i'm hearing from the board that i wasn't - i am so confused, i thought that's what i was supposed to do?

suki44883

It can be confusing, but remember, boundaries are for you, not rules for them. It's deciding in your mind what you will and will not accept. It is not trying to get them to change or give them ultimatums. It's basically a deal you make with yourself that you have certain things you will not accept.

dopedout

This is what I'm doing to try to stop myself from contacting her -- I repeat to myself that even thought I just thought of the perfect thing to say to her, that doesn't mean that she's ready to hear it, no matter how perfect it is.

Usually a few hours later I've thrown that thing out and have thought of something even more perfect to say.

I have considered smashing my phone with a hammer in order to prevent the urge to text or call her.

Not that this works all the time -- I'm not giving you advice that I have been able to always follow. I obviously can't smash my phone, but I can resist the feeling that she needs to hear something at exactly the time that I thought of it. For me, this has a lot to do with the fact that she's my counsel -- she's who I talk to every day (just imagine having to listen to all these hugely long diatribes day in and day out -- her addiction is causing problems for you, too, because I'm stuck here posting novel-length responses!) I'm used to being in constant contact with her, plus, like, I love her, so I want to talk to her and I want her to talk to me.

But that's all fine only when it's a mutual thing -- I think it's ok (it has to be ok, right?) to try to help people or give them advice or even let their actions affect you emotionally -- as long as it's a productive, positive, voluntary relationship.

I have written dozens of text messages to her in the past few days that I didn't send. I wrote them with the intention of sending them, and I thought about them, and worded them carefully, and then, right before I was going to send, I thought, and, instead, I just saved them to my drafts. A few minutes delay in hitting "send" won't change anything, even if it's the best text message in the world. One thing Z always says is that if you're feeling like you're about to lose it, ask if anyone's on fire -- if no one's on fire, then just settle down. And, after a while, even though the truth of the words you wrote is still there, the compulsion to send them is gone, and it's easier to see it for what it is.

But don't beat yourself up over it. You are a human being and you have feelings and make mistakes and ALSO he's not some specially protected individual who shouldn't have to face up to the people he's hurt, so -- it is what it is -- now he has it, and whether or not he responds well now, or even soon, is up to him. The TRUTH of what you told him is still there, and he can use it or not use it.

Freedom1990

Now I'm confused. I thought he was no longer in contact with you.

I'm not sure what you are stating as boundaries in your letter. You've been thinking of him. Your expectations of him were too high. There are resources out there for him as an attorney.

What am I missing here?

Some of my boundaries with my 32 year old AD are:

She is no longer welcome in my home as an active addict/alcoholic. My home is just that...my home, my safe place.

If she starts her garbage over the phone, I hang up. I don't engage in games.

If she goes back to jail again, I don't accept collect calls, visit, or put money on the books.

I don't provide vehicles such as trucks in the event she gets kicked out of where she is living and has to move again. I don't help with that at all, period.

My contact with her is minimal, and the only reason I have any contact with her at all is because my 14 year old granddaughter made the choice to go live with her this past year (the dad had custody of both kids). I want to maintain a good relationship with my granddaughter.

tam

I too feel like writing letters as I am okay finally with no other contact. It has been 5 months since our seperation and I will tell you that in time sticking to boundaries, it does get easier. Yes you will have days where you want to contact them, but you have to get through the urge. Just last night in my mind while trying to get to sleep I wrote my AH a letter, I said how I felt and it wasnt good. I controlled myself and didnt write it or send it. today I am happy I didnt. it would have only given him a reason to continue his pills and lifestyle knowing I still care or giving him attention. so try to get through the temptation. before my AH left I tried every angle to get him help and for us to stay married, nothing worked so now I know (from reading posts here) that only he can help himself. Give yourself time and credit for holding your ground..I also learned that if by chance his does call and I am caught off card and pickup I just say "got to go in the middle of something" and after awhile they get the hint ( well usually for a short time anyway) and thats the hard part I know as we do care for them..stay strong

OceanSize

he wrote back some nice thngs.

my boundary is that i cannot have a relationship with him of any kind until he is in treatment.

he wrote back that he recognizes he is struggling, and a few triggering sentences about thinking about me.

i understand the pattern a bit better now.

thanks to everyone for the advice and sharing.

coffeedrinker

hey ocean,

i think right now you just need to take a big step back. away from him, the chaos, the confusion. just stay in the now, with you.

keep processing the notion of setting boundaries; a boundary is a line you draw that you don't allow another to cross. for example, you draw a line around you and say "if you are intoxicated, you may not come into my circle." or "if you call me on the phone, and raise your voice, i will hang up."

it's to protect ourselves, not to try and make someone else do something.

OceanSize

i had the most amazing therapy session today.

moment by moment, hour by hour, i am focused on my own healing and examining my choices.

i was losing it for a bit there, but something magical happened in therapy today and i feel aware of what i am feeling, and interested in learning more about why, for me and for growth.

i am glad i set the boundary, and i trying to embrace what is happening as beautiful.

one hard part is refraining from writing him back to say "you can do it!!! you are awesome!!" (you know, like a cheerleader)

but really, i need to do that for me.....

i do love him, it's like dopedout said, of course i want to hold him and be held and experience those magical moments - i am powerless over the current situation. and the current situation is not cuddling. it is what it is. and in some way i hope it continues to feel simultaneously scary and beautiful in the same way it does in this exact moment.

moment by moment. it's all i can do.

this is a good evening.

i am sooooo glad i found this forum

.

OceanSize

ok.

so first off - don't judge me b/c i use twitter - i use it for work. i dont want to say much more about what i do for work but just know that. and please, no judgements. if i could run away from this line of work these days i would, but its part of my growing business.

so...today he twittered from an account he has, that i forgot to unfollow.

he wrote

"i loved once"

"the pain, the sorrow"

and then something about being alone, all alone.

it is really hard to not reach out and tell him that he can't do this alone and i can help him get the help he needs.

i am really having a hard time with it.

i miss him so much.

he is my best friend. i just want to hug him and help him.

it is so hard to not do anything, i keep wondering if i am doing the right thing by doing nothing.

hello-kitty

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

What's your hugs and helping gotten him so far?

You cannot fix him. You can do something. You can do nothing. Either way it won't change what he does. We are talking about a grown man here, right? So give him the dignity and respect of figuring out where he wants to go and how he's going to get there. And respect his choice to continue the path he is on or not.

Do the next wise thing for you.

Because he is exactly where he needs to be to get to where he is going right now.

HVACRGirl

OceanSize

selfishly, i'm afraid he'll just not come back. ever.

dopedout, are you around?

i just hope he comes back to me. i don't want to meet anyone else, or be with anyone else.

meanwhile, i also hope i can get through this.

OceanSize

dear me,

don't focus so much on him!


went to alanon meeting after my little freakout above.

it helped!!!!!

then i hung out with a friend for a bit - it also helped!!!!

i did not make contact.

he continues to hit me in places on the internet where he knows i'll see (like i said, i am deeply embedded in some of these internetty things and can be reached in passive aggro ways if he really tries, and it seems that's happening)

via the above method i learned that his father had surgery today.

AND SO FAR I'VE MADE IT! no contact and finishing the evening on a nice note, i believe in me tonight.

every day has a hard point.

i hope it gets easier, and i hope the right thing happens. i hope i do the right thing, as the thread says.

anyone reading this: the meetings help! alanon meeting really helped me!