An Introduction and a Question
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
An Introduction and a Question
Hello,
I am new here, although not new to Al-Anon. Years ago I went to weekly meetings, faithfully, but then dropped off when DH stopped drinking. That lasted about 5 years or so, until the kids left the nest and I started traveling for my job. He started feeling very unsettled and anxious and went to a "counselor" who "advised" him that I was controlling him and that "why shouldn't he be able to have a glass of wine with his steak?"
I don't blame her necessarily, because I know how effectively he must have manipulated her, but he took her counsel and fell off the wagon 6 years ago.
Anyway, a lot has gone under the bridge from that point, but I'm still with him, but I am so wrapped up in him that I honestly can't identify when I'm helping vs. when I'm simply being codependent.
That's where my question comes in. He is drinking a lot, and for the most part, I'm standing aside. I'm doing less enabling this year (that was my New Year's Resolution). But after the weekend, when he did a lot of drinking, he felt really sick yesterday. He had a bad headache and at first I thought it was his blood pressure, but then I realized he might be having alcohol withdrawal symptoms. He's also very fatigued and has no appetite.
This question will seem silly to you guys further down the path. I would like to point out that what he is feeling could be alcohol withdrawal. Is that being "in his business"? Do I just keep quiet? Do I offer him Vitamin B?
I am now 58. He is now 56. It kills me that even though I vowed never to marry an alcoholic, I have wound up joined at the hip with one, and not feeling any more the wiser for being on this journey for 35 years.
On a positive note, I'm reading stuff like Byron Katie which help me detach A LOT. And I plan on returning to Al-Anon. Duh.
Thanks for listening.
I am new here, although not new to Al-Anon. Years ago I went to weekly meetings, faithfully, but then dropped off when DH stopped drinking. That lasted about 5 years or so, until the kids left the nest and I started traveling for my job. He started feeling very unsettled and anxious and went to a "counselor" who "advised" him that I was controlling him and that "why shouldn't he be able to have a glass of wine with his steak?"
I don't blame her necessarily, because I know how effectively he must have manipulated her, but he took her counsel and fell off the wagon 6 years ago.
Anyway, a lot has gone under the bridge from that point, but I'm still with him, but I am so wrapped up in him that I honestly can't identify when I'm helping vs. when I'm simply being codependent.
That's where my question comes in. He is drinking a lot, and for the most part, I'm standing aside. I'm doing less enabling this year (that was my New Year's Resolution). But after the weekend, when he did a lot of drinking, he felt really sick yesterday. He had a bad headache and at first I thought it was his blood pressure, but then I realized he might be having alcohol withdrawal symptoms. He's also very fatigued and has no appetite.
This question will seem silly to you guys further down the path. I would like to point out that what he is feeling could be alcohol withdrawal. Is that being "in his business"? Do I just keep quiet? Do I offer him Vitamin B?
I am now 58. He is now 56. It kills me that even though I vowed never to marry an alcoholic, I have wound up joined at the hip with one, and not feeling any more the wiser for being on this journey for 35 years.
On a positive note, I'm reading stuff like Byron Katie which help me detach A LOT. And I plan on returning to Al-Anon. Duh.
Thanks for listening.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You will find lots of information and support for yourself here.
This is a simple rule I follow when trying to determine if I am caretaking:
Don't do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves.
Your AH has experienced alcohol withdrawal before. He knows how and where to go for help. If he asks you where the vitamin B is located, be sure and let him know where he can find the vitamins!
What are some of your favorite quotes from reading Byron Katie?
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You will find lots of information and support for yourself here.
This is a simple rule I follow when trying to determine if I am caretaking:
Don't do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves.
Your AH has experienced alcohol withdrawal before. He knows how and where to go for help. If he asks you where the vitamin B is located, be sure and let him know where he can find the vitamins!
What are some of your favorite quotes from reading Byron Katie?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"Is that being "in his business"?"
Yes. He is a grown man. If he wants to get all drunk, HE is rsponsible for nursing his own hangover.
"Do I just keep quiet? Do I offer him Vitamin B?"
What is your motivation for talking? For giving him vitamins? Is it to help HIM? Is it to make him see what he is doing to himself? Is it to prove some point? Or is it to make YOU feel better about something?
Yes. He is a grown man. If he wants to get all drunk, HE is rsponsible for nursing his own hangover.
"Do I just keep quiet? Do I offer him Vitamin B?"
What is your motivation for talking? For giving him vitamins? Is it to help HIM? Is it to make him see what he is doing to himself? Is it to prove some point? Or is it to make YOU feel better about something?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi and welcome-
many alcoholics are in denial. when i would point out withdrawal symptoms to my xABF, he always denied that's what it was. as if it's perfectly normal for a 47 year old man to lie around in bed all day, not eating, poo'ing, blowing his nose whilst being depressed.
so, in my case, it didn't do any good identifying the source of the "mystery illness".
he always said it was a bug and that others he knew had it too.
i used to nurse him past the hangovers/detox back to health and you know what he'd do? as soon as he was feeling better, he'd go back out drinking!
i would vote "hands off his hangover". i ended up just going about my day in the end, vaccuuming or hammering in nails or whatever it was i needed to do to run our household. i used to tiptoe about quietly so he could rest but his lying about got old and i just got on with my day.
naive
many alcoholics are in denial. when i would point out withdrawal symptoms to my xABF, he always denied that's what it was. as if it's perfectly normal for a 47 year old man to lie around in bed all day, not eating, poo'ing, blowing his nose whilst being depressed.
so, in my case, it didn't do any good identifying the source of the "mystery illness".
he always said it was a bug and that others he knew had it too.
i used to nurse him past the hangovers/detox back to health and you know what he'd do? as soon as he was feeling better, he'd go back out drinking!
i would vote "hands off his hangover". i ended up just going about my day in the end, vaccuuming or hammering in nails or whatever it was i needed to do to run our household. i used to tiptoe about quietly so he could rest but his lying about got old and i just got on with my day.
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Thanks, all! Gee, this is great having such a wealth of wisdom here.
I did not say anything, and I'm going about my business, as you guys have suggested.
Learn2Live, you're right... all of those actions have a payoff for me. I guess the payoff is my desire that he stays healthy. I used to get mad when he drank. Just lately, my feelings are worry--the kind of worry that gives you butterflies in the stomach. He's getting older. If the consequences of his drinking continue to steal his life from both him and me, I feel tremendously sad about that. So, my trying to "help" is me protecting myself from this burden of sadness. Of course, I know I can't protect myself from what he will ultimately choose for himself, but it is a struggle.
As I mentioned, I do read Byron Katie to get me past that. Pelican, to answer your question, I have highlighted in her book Loving What Is the following quote: "Concepts are the graves we bury ourselves in." So, the concepts that are burying me are: He shouldn't die young (like my father did, from alcoholism); I should do everything I can to help him 'see the light'. Dying from alcoholism is a tremendous waste of potential. My AH getting sick from alcoholism might be partly my fault because of past enabling.
Yikes, this is the first time I've actually written those concepts down, and I'm actually crying.. Time to get on with more Work.. Thanks again, all.
I did not say anything, and I'm going about my business, as you guys have suggested.
Learn2Live, you're right... all of those actions have a payoff for me. I guess the payoff is my desire that he stays healthy. I used to get mad when he drank. Just lately, my feelings are worry--the kind of worry that gives you butterflies in the stomach. He's getting older. If the consequences of his drinking continue to steal his life from both him and me, I feel tremendously sad about that. So, my trying to "help" is me protecting myself from this burden of sadness. Of course, I know I can't protect myself from what he will ultimately choose for himself, but it is a struggle.
As I mentioned, I do read Byron Katie to get me past that. Pelican, to answer your question, I have highlighted in her book Loving What Is the following quote: "Concepts are the graves we bury ourselves in." So, the concepts that are burying me are: He shouldn't die young (like my father did, from alcoholism); I should do everything I can to help him 'see the light'. Dying from alcoholism is a tremendous waste of potential. My AH getting sick from alcoholism might be partly my fault because of past enabling.
Yikes, this is the first time I've actually written those concepts down, and I'm actually crying.. Time to get on with more Work.. Thanks again, all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by SoloMio 
Dying from alcoholism is a tremendous waste of potential. My AH getting sick from alcoholism might be partly my fault because of past enabling.
I hope this isn't too harsh but please realize that despite your enabling, your manipulating, your threats or whatever, your AH is a grown man who's made his decisions and will have to live with the consequences, whether they be chronic illness or worse.
Be kind to yourself and take the blame off yourself regarding your AH's state of health. There is *always* a choice, and your AH made his time and time again. Even if you were there with a gun to his head, he could have made the "ultimate choice", IYKWIM.
Now regarding the consequences of his drinking stealing life from YOU, that is a choice you are making, but continuing to be involved in his addiction. Make the choice to step away from the alkie and focus on the most important person in your life: you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 48
Sorry to be a party pooper but have you considered that the disease is progressing? Liver failure can lead to fatigue and headaches. Is there reason to think he is in withdrawal? Has he mentioned stopping?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Originally Posted by JoeVet
Sorry to be a party pooper but have you considered that the disease is progressing? Liver failure can lead to fatigue and headaches. Is there reason to think he is in withdrawal? Has he mentioned stopping?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Nodaybut2day: Thanks for the reinforcement. I know what you say to be true IN MY HEAD--but it takes a long time to translate that to a belief in my heart. I'm working on it, though.
JoeVet: He had tests done in December, and he does have some fatty liver--the doctor called it a "red flag" but nothing horrendously serious. He's also had a CT scan recently, and nothing came up. The reason I thought it might be withdrawal is because he drinks ALMOST every day, except when he doesn't have money, or if he has a long day of work. Last weekend, he drank quite a bit, and was feeling bad starting Monday afternoon, so I thought he could be simply just having some withdrawal symptoms.
JoeVet: He had tests done in December, and he does have some fatty liver--the doctor called it a "red flag" but nothing horrendously serious. He's also had a CT scan recently, and nothing came up. The reason I thought it might be withdrawal is because he drinks ALMOST every day, except when he doesn't have money, or if he has a long day of work. Last weekend, he drank quite a bit, and was feeling bad starting Monday afternoon, so I thought he could be simply just having some withdrawal symptoms.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Solomio
My AH getting sick from alcoholism might be partly my fault because of past enabling.
You can't control it.
you can't cure it.
This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault.
Originally Posted by Solomio
concepts that are burying me are: He shouldn't die young (like my father did, from alcoholism); I should do everything I can to help him 'see the light'. Dying from alcoholism is a tremendous waste of potential. My AH getting sick from alcoholism might be partly my fault because of past enabling.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi SoloMio,
I'm with JoeVet, your AH's getting sick is not your fault. Unload the guilt please, because it is keeping you stuck.
But honestly, IMO if handing him a vitamin everyday makes YOU feel better, creates some peace of mind, and it doesn't create any fights, I say what's the harm? My mother purchases vitamins for me and I'm a full-grown adult. I buy veggies for my BF and he is completely capable of buying veggies. It's a small way of caring for a loved one and I don't see anything enabling or unhealthy about that. But if you're bailing him out of jail, picking him up off the floor, retrieving him from bars, cleaning up his drunken messes, the only one paying the mortgage, etc THOSE kinds of behaviors on your part are NOT healthy and ARE enabling.
Take care.
I'm with JoeVet, your AH's getting sick is not your fault. Unload the guilt please, because it is keeping you stuck.
But honestly, IMO if handing him a vitamin everyday makes YOU feel better, creates some peace of mind, and it doesn't create any fights, I say what's the harm? My mother purchases vitamins for me and I'm a full-grown adult. I buy veggies for my BF and he is completely capable of buying veggies. It's a small way of caring for a loved one and I don't see anything enabling or unhealthy about that. But if you're bailing him out of jail, picking him up off the floor, retrieving him from bars, cleaning up his drunken messes, the only one paying the mortgage, etc THOSE kinds of behaviors on your part are NOT healthy and ARE enabling.
Take care.
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