HopelessWife

So I went to see my husband this weekend and drove him to rehab this afternoon. When I arrived on Friday, he opened the door and I immediately started crying. He looked so bad...his eyes were black and he'd lost at least ten pounds. He was lying on the couch and his place looked disgusting...vodka, tequila, beer bottles everywhere. He'd been doing coke, too. It was horrifying, I've never seen him like that before. He had stopped drinking by the time I got here and we drove to rehab today. Fortunately my aunt is the clinical director and we got to meet with her first. She was kind enough to waive his insurance co-pays, so he's basically getting to go for free. The doctor there did some tests and he has a swollen liver, which he seemed pretty shocked to hear. The other residents looked pretty rough, like longtime users. My husband actually admitted to being an addict and seemed to really listen to my aunt, who is a recovering alcoholic herself.

So I get home, and three hours later he calls. He says he doesn't know if this is "the right thing" for him. He's worried about not working for a month and says he needs to work and take care of his family, and that the detox is extreme, he can't use the phone for a week, etc. I pointed out that he's not taking care of his family now!!! I am supposed to hear from a new client of his tomorrow to find out whether or not he can start working for them in June istead of May. He says if he doesn't lose that client, he will stick with the rehab. I called my aunt and she said if he leaves, I need to tell him that if he's not going to give treatment 100%, I'm not going to continue giving "us" 100%, which is what I'll have to do.

I want to be hopeful, but I know what reality most likely will be...he will probably leave treatment, promise to do it another way, and go right back to drinking and end up killing himself. This is a complete nightmare. I don't know how much more I can handle. I know I need to detach but it's SO hard for me. He loves me and when he's sober he's a good, loving husband and dad. Why does he abuse his body this way?? He has so much potential and we could have a great life. I wish I could leave and not look back but I am finding it nearly impossible. I'm so emotionally attached to him that the idea of cutting him off really, really hurts. He's 31...I can't sit back and let him kill himself. I just can't. I don't know what to do

barb dwyer

**********{Hopeless}}}}}}

Your Aunt is right.
This is the part we have NO control over.

I advise you to try and find that place in yourself
where 'me' became 'we' and took prescidence over 'me.'

Use this time that he's away in rehab.
make what your aunt said an ultimatum.
If you baby him - he'll never get well.

Right now - he knows your'e going to fetch after him
no matter how bad he gets
you're eventually gonna turn up
and get him lelp.

he's doing nothing on his own.

Dog won't hunt
when it's fed steak in the pen.

Let this time of N/C be the time YOU focus on YOU.

I think you need to re'learn how to take care of just YOU.

I did.

Actually it's kinda fun!

if you can't get tom meetings in 3-D right now -
try an online meeting....
Do whatever you have to
to get YOURSELF healthy.

We never want to see that we're just as sick
as they are.

But we are.

USE this time to do your part, hon.
You're not alone .
We're here.

LaTeeDa

When someone reaches the point you have described, it's really up to them. There is nothing you can do. It's all up to him now.

L

Ceres

barb dwyer

Please don't take this as being strident or mean....
i've thought abouthow to tell you this
because I really think you need another way of seeing your situation...

please try and take it in the helping way I intended it, Okay?


This right here - this statement ....

To those of us who've been here a while,
or those of us who've just been so battered by our choices....

that statement is simply using different words
to say something very profound
that we all have to get to the place to realize for ourselves...

and that is:

"I'm in love with/devoted to who I want him to become, not who he really is."
"I'm in love/devoted to who I imagine he might be if only he let me turn him into it"
"I can't let go of my imaginary man."
"I was promised Prince Charming and this is the only chance I'm going to get."

Right now he's in rehab.
If he DOES gain anything in rehabhe may well take control of his own life
and choose not to turn into who YOU what him to be anyhow.

We're trying to get you interested in your OWN development
so you can be ready...

We're codependents.

We need help every bit as much
as they do.

sesh

I know how hard is this on you. Been there too many times myself. I know how horrible it is to see someone you love hurt. I'm a helper by nature. But I've learned that sharing his burden with my AH and helping him was everything but a help. And I've also learned if I truly wanted to help him I need to step back and let him fight his own battles. And doing that is really hard, but I know if I continue to be there for him all the time trying to make it easier for him, than I'm depriving him of possibility of being there for himself, taking responsibility of his own life and well being.
My AH also seems to be having serious health problems due to A lately, and refusing to go to the doctors. I know he is killing himself, and I have this great urge to do something about it, to help him, but I know there is nothing I can do. It is not me letting him kill himself, I do not have that much power. It's not up to me at all. It is only up to him. And unfortunatelly as hard as that is to accept I know it is as simple as that.
I'm trying to detach myself from it as much as I can, as I know if I give a helping hand to him, I'm only pulling him further back down.
Even though the pain is unbearable at times, I'm protecting myself and our kids and I truly believe this might be the only way I can acctually protect him too, as by not being there for him to help/fix, I'm giving him the opportunity to stand up for himself and deal with his problems. So it all comes back to it's all up to him, and I don't have any power to change things regardless of the fact how much I want them to change.
All I can do is step back and hope for the best. And it's hard but much easier than driving myself mad thinking what should I do.
Hope this helps.