mishaco1

Exactly as the title states just... Ugh.

This week is the first week I have really put my plan into action. Living day to day, not worrying about the future and taking "nothing changes if nothing changes" to heart.

It has worked out wonderfully. I have been happy this week for the most part. Changing the way Ilook at things, changing the way I approach and handle things, changing the way I handle XABF. I did things for me. I had some rough times (as to be expected), had conversation and text message exchanges with AXBF but handled them very well and was proud of the way I did.

Today is the first day there has been NC. None at all. I have gone NC but he has NEVER gone NC. Not a thing from him today... And, well, I am not handling it as well as I thought I could or should be.

I can't really figure out why. This has been the most stress free day for me in quite some time. I actually cleaned when I got home from work (something I have been neglecting for awhile), took the dog on a nice long walk after the rain and then visited one of my best friends, her husband and a friend from out of state.

I have absolutely no reason to be thinking or caring about HIM... Ugh.

:wtf2

Back to hating my emotions... Hoping I will be able to sleep tonight. I am continuing no contact no matter how hard it will be.

(Just had to get it off my chest!)

TooMuchSunShine

Well Mishaco1 I'm there with you, up, thinking about it and wondering if I should even try to sleep and for exactly the same reason except I'm on NC Day 3 and he's been ignoring me for over a month and I never even dreamed he could be this cold. I've been around the mulberry bush with addicts in my life, this one is an oldie but goodie but I stayed out of his mess 20 years hoping he would want to quit, believed him when he finally said he was through and tried to be there to support him through the process at his request. Well, he's struggling and not serious so I extracted myself BEFORE things got bad and that's why I'm so shocked with his NC. I was sure the way I left things and my timing, we could still talk. I've been in the Sober Lounge (there's lots of FF in there and the A's are encourging me to stay tough) and going to the online meeting Saturday nights and it's really helping me. I'm still not sleeping yet tonight but at least I know I'm not alone and neither are you ;-)

mishaco1

It's nice to know you are not alone!

I'm just so frustrated with myself. I have been so good about a lot of things. Holding it together, putting up with WAY more than I should considering what he put me through and then I sit here wondering and screwing up my own night even though the day went so well?!

I've gone to Al-Anon, I have been reading the literature and I HAVE been changing. Like I said, I guess I just have to go through the motions but sometimes it is too hard to fight the crappy one's...

See you're in CO. At least we are in the same time zone...

naive

hang in there, mischa. it will get better. just get thru it one day at a time.

stay busy, reach out to friends, get around to those projects you've been putting off. doing things to make my space nicer helped me....hang new curtains, clean out the kitchen drawer, polish my boots, plant some flowers in the yard...

day one no contact. that's great.

coffeedrinker

try to think of this as a blessing.

we are so wrapped up in our addicts - we get our feelings of love and worth from their attention, and their needing us. but, it's not healthy.

maybe he's trying to move on. when i broke up with mine, he isolated himself and didn't have contact with anyone. it was his way of protecting himself, even though it is destructive. maybe yours is getting it that it's over with you.

i know it hurts. but you do need to move on. this is just part of the process.

TooMuchSunShine

Yes Mishaco1 we are in the same time zone after I posted this to you I laid down to try and sleep and did! I hope you got some rest as well. If you need someone to talk to send me a private message and I'll share my instant messenger contact with you ;-) we could help each other make it through the long nights :-)

suki44883

It's always hard to break a habit, and you are breaking a habit. Just as surely as the problem drinker is also trying to break a habit. You've gotten so used to the back and forth that your mind isn't sure what to do when it's not there anymore. You're doing fine. Just keep on keepin' on. Things will get better and better.

Learn2Live

It takes 21 days to break an old habit and get used to the new way. There's your light at the end of the tunnel. If you can suffer through it for just three weeks, you'll be home free. Piece of cake, right?

Look, here's what they do when they are not calling you or otherwise trying to contact you: The SAME thing they do when they ARE calling or otherwise contacting you. DRINKING, getting drunk, avoiding reality, stuffing their feelings, blaming everyone else, not looking at themselves, cussing, being nasty, etc. All the stuff you already know. Try picking up something new to do. Like, take a dance class you've always wanted to take, calligraphy, art, welding, whatever you are interested in. Don't be like THEM: Don't keep just doing the same thing you've always done. Try something different, no matter how small the something is.

mishaco1

Well, I made it through the night! And when I did finally fall asleep, I slept well and was off early this morning to my Al Anon meeting.

I know this is hard and Leran2Live - 3 weeks seems like an eternity!! Lol! But when you (I) really think about it, it isn't.

I think in a way I am just frustrated too. The closer and closer I get to having to testify against him, the more it makes me mad.

Deep down I know that I can make it the three weeks and then 4, 5, 6 and so on. I know deep down I can. But knowing that no matter what and not by choice I have to face him in 3 weeks?! I can't understand why they wait over 2 months to do this. It should happen the week after or right after the incident.

I have a feeling the closer it gets to the 17th, the more freaked out, angry, sad and crazy I'm going to become and I hate that because I feel like I could start doing good again. I feel like I can move on.

So bear with me... There may be random mumblings from me in the weeks to come.

I'm still going to continue to take it day by day but I know this will be weighing heavy on me even if I try to not think about it.

Learn2Live

You can do it. We support you.

kittykitty

So glad I checked up on you, i was wondering how you were doing, and it seems that we are in the same boat right now...

so good to not feel alone, thanks for sharing
Stay strong and so will I!

KeepPedaling

It was super hard for me at first too. Now it's just super hard SOMEtimes. Change is always scary, even when it's a good thing.

And congratulations on day one of NC!!!

barb dwyer

WOW! Totally STOKED reading this thread - and seeing THIS...
what we came here for - happen again at SR....

Redheadsusie

Hang in There ! I am at Week 3 Myself. If we all come here for support - just knowing others are going thru the same stuff should give us strength! You deserve the best and you will have it!