desesperada

I am new to this sight and am just looking for some information basically. My husband drinks to the point of not remembering what happened basically every weekend. He is never abusive or aggressive, but it has caused him to, miss work, blackout, infidelity, get a dui, and numerous other things that he wouldn't do it he hadn't been drinking. He never drinks during the week and he does fine one the weekend as long as he doesn't have even one. If he drinks one or two beers that's it he won't stop until there's no more or he passes out. For example this saturday we went to a dance with some friends. It takes about 1 1/2 hours to get where we were going and during that time he drank almost a full 12 pack by himself. When we got there he drank about another 5 or 6 and then a few more on the way home. He doesn't even remember coming home! I am trying to tell him that this is a problem, but he seems to think that an alcoholic is only somone who drinks everyday all day, but then at the same time he will turn around and say he knows he needs help and that he just doesn't know how not to drink. (All of his friends are heavy drinkers, and his dad was an alcoholic and brother also). I have asked him to talk to our priest, and he says he's going to, I'm just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how I can help him or how to make him realize he DOES have a problem.

kittykitty

Welcome desperada!

What a surprise... an Alcoholic that doesn't think he's an alcoholic. I don't mean to joke, i'm sorry, it's just that everyone here has had the same discussion with their alcoholics. It's like talking to a brick wall.
Thanks for posting, and yes you are in the right place! I would suggest reading the stickies at the top of the forum page, there are some great stories of courage strength and hope.

The most important thing is for you to realize that you didn't cause his problem, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Keep coming back, and keep reading and posting!

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!

You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. You will also learn that you are not alone in wanting to help your alcoholic help themself.

Have you considered attending Alanon meetings? They are based on the same 12 steps of AA, but customized for the friends and family members of alcoholics. Here are some questions to help you decide if Alanon is for you:

Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following twenty questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:

1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?

2.Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?

3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?

4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?

5.Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?

6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker?

7.Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?

8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?

9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?

10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?

11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?

12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?

13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?

14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?

15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?

16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?

17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?

18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?

19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?

20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?

If you have answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help. __________________

Make yourself at home by reading and posting as needed.

FindingPeace1

welcome!
whether he DOES realize he is an alcoholic or he DOESN'T is irrelevant (IMHO). My take on it is does his behavior work for you?

You said:it has caused him to, miss work, blackout, infidelity, get a dui, and numerous other things

Does that work for you?

They say it helps to keep the 3 c's in mind:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Your husband doesn't WANT to label himself an alcoholic and he doesn't want to change.

I'm afraid you will get little advice on how to help/fix/change/convince him.
We have ALL tried our best to do all that and more.
To no avail.

Once again:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
And he doesn't want to change.

That means what you are left with is wrestling with being married to a man that has behaviors you dislike AND that doesn't want to change.

Ugh.

Believe me. I am with you. We are all with you.
The best we can do is
a) respect they get to choose the path for their life
b) respect ourselves by choosing the path for our life that brings us joy, makes us feel respected and honored and full of life and goodness.

If you couldn't change him, what could you choose to do in your life that would take care of your needs?

Stick around,
Peace

MissFixit

Welcome.

If his drinking is a problem for you, then it is a problem period. Your husband sounds like my ex alcoholic boyfriend. If he is drinking that much to where he blacks out that you know about, then he is probably drinking more that you don't know about.

1 You didn't cause it.
2 You cannot control it.
3 You cannot cure it.

You can only take care of yourself. It took me 4 years before I went to al anon. I woudl suggest going to a meeting in your area.

TakingCharge999

Hi desesperada.

Welcome to SR. Have you seen the Sticky section at the top part of the forum? Classic Reading has very informative and eye-opening articles.

You say he is not abusive but I say infidelity is definitely abuse towards you.

When I came here I wanted answers to heal my ex boyfriend. Turns out alcoholics drink. Alcoholics deny. Alcoholics keep drinking.

No one knows when they will hit bottom. Or if they will ever hit bottom.

Hope you can take a look at these links

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Dependency - Relationship

Hugs!

Summerpeach

Does he think missing work, commiting illegal acts like dui, blacking out and cheating on you is not a problem?

Let him know, people who are in their right mind don't do these things. I don't think his issue is simply being an addict.

desesperada

When he's sober he realizes that this is a problem and that he would not do these things if he were sober, buta week or two later it happens again. We have 3 little girls together and a 6 year marriage. He is a wonderful husband and father (when he's not drinking). I know that many would tell me "why do you put up with it and that I should just leave him.) I believe however that marriage is for better or worse and that I should do all that I can to help him and that I shouldn't give up on him. I just don't really know how. One of the major problems is also that we live in a small town and although he speaks some english he mostly speaks spanish and there are not many resources as far as AA and stuff like that in spanish and this is an excuse that he uses.
Oh yeah and I think I answered yes to 11 of the questions above.

TakingCharge999

desesperada,

There are AA and Alanon online groups in many languages and schedules.

The thing is that they need to want it more than anything, want to get better. He has to be the one finding help, just like you found this forum.

Is there any chance for you to go to a therapist so you can get one on one support? are you open to the idea?

Also.. let's say he finds a group in Spanish...

He may not go.
He may say he went and go somewhere else.
He may go but not pay attention.
He may pay attention but not get it.
He may go, get it, then decide its too much work and leave.

No one can control him or cure him, only himself and fellow alcoholics. Only God.
Meanwhile you need to take the focus back on your children and you.

The children are learning its ok to cheat. That its ok to lie. That its ok to drink. That its ok to see Mom sad and in distress.

I hope you realize your decisions or lack of decisions now are far-reaching. Take a look at the ACOA forum...

TC.

PS have you had checkups for STDs/HIV? just as a precaution.

PPS I am thinking of you, may God send you clarity of mind.

Jadmack25

Ah yes, another Alcoholic that doesn't think he's an alcoholic....so on what or whom does he lay the blame for his missing work, his dui, his blacking out and his cheating on you?

Which, if any, of the above is a problem caused by his drinking?

Quote from Desperado (( [I]I believe however that marriage is for better or worse, and that I should do all that I can to help him and that I shouldn't give up on him. ))

I posted this in another thread, but I put it here for you. I might add that I am a practising RC, and Lay Minister of the Blessed Eucharist and have a great respect for the sanctity of marriage.

Marriage.

Marriage is a contract between 2 people, made before God, where each promises to love, respect and care for the partner, and be faithful to them.

Marriage is NOT a contract WITH God, nor does it come with a get out clause added, like, "unless I am drunk and then I can abuse and belt the cr*p out of my wife and kids, and screw around as I please."

Marriage is ordained for the mutual love, support and companionship of each other, and the rearing and nurture of children.

Marriage is not ordained to be a state of fear, violence, abuse, drunken behavior, poverty due to addiction, or the nurture of finances for the local bars, clubs or call girls.

Your husband's binge drinking is like that of my RABF....the difference is that he has known and admitted he was and is an alcoholic, like his dad, and others in his past family, has been in and out of rehab since he was 23 years old.

You can do nothing for your husband, til he really means it when he says he has a problem, and wants help to stop drinkng......til then you are in a marriage where he can do as he wants and use the drinking as the reason, his excuse for his actions.

You could be looking at 20 more years of this ahead of you and your family, unless you decide not to stay around and let alcohol ruin all your lives.

Maybe your priest can chat to him, maybe he can perform a miracle and your husband will stop hiding behind a macho image, and act to quit, and then again, maybe pigs will fly past. Nobody knows what lies ahead of them and their A's, and that, my dear is the horrible and scary reality.

Answering yes to 11 of those questions, suggests to me that Alanon would be a good idea for you, as soon as possible.

If your husband would be ashamed of people in your small town, knowing he had a problem, let me tell you....lots already do know, and as it gets worse, he could make the headlines in any of many nasty ways.

I wish you all the best.

God bless

JoeVet

You are not over-reacting. It is common for you to be quite freaked out when you first realize that this is not an occasional problem. This phase is where you learn what he has known for a while. He is an alcoholic. You are typically frantic to learn more and find out the correct course of action to help poor AH. You will learn about AA and Al-Anon. If you are lucky AH may take some responsibility and honestly go to AA and actually participate. This is unlikely though as he is under the delusion that he will be able to stop on his own "next time". Now that you know, you will be more alert and come to realize that he is also drinking to excess every night. Over the next couple of years his disease will progress. He may or may not become belligerent and abusive (mine did). He may be able to somehow keep his job (thankfully I'm the bread winner). Dui's will continue (I took away all driving privileges). What is for sure is he will get progressively worse and will eventually take you and the family with him. Do not judge him by the six years of marriage you had (I had 20 good/sober years before it hit). Your job over the next few years is to try to keep YOU and the kids as top priority. This will be hard. Your only comfort is knowing you did not cause this, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it. That means you can't make him realize he DOES have a problem (he already knows and is choosing not to seek help). What you can control is the extent it impedes you and the kids. You are the only grown up now and you are in charge. Good luck. Stay strong. Keep coming back.

sesh

Hi desesperada,
I have only one advice for you: read very carefully what others are saying to you, (especially the post by Anvilhead) and find it in you to believe it all.
I've been coming to this forum for 6 years now, most of the time when feeling very low, when unable to deal with my life any more, when unable to continue lying to myself any more. I'd post something, wonderful people here were giving me great adivices, it'd feel for awhile that I understand everything, than my AH would promise to change, and I'd believe him.
I believed him every single time. I'm sure the main reason for this is because I dind't listen too well here, of at least in my heart I felt that he is different than the rest of them. He's a great person, he's loving and tender, he's the most perfect husband if only he wouldn't drink, he only he can see, I just need to find a way for him to see it and than everything will be great. So I ended up spending years of my life trying to explain something that can not be expalined to someone who doesn't want to understand. It was like talking to a brick wall. I'd talk for days, it was like fishing, I'd look for a word that will hook him up, and than pulling and releasing slowly, putting my whole being into it so he wouldn't cut loose. Many times he promissed many things, but only later I've larned he only did it to get me off his back. By doing all this talking and explaining I became guilty of one thing: I've made him a master of lying and pretending. But the simple truth is: IF HE EVER REALLY WANTED TO SEE, HE'D NEVER NEDDED ME TO EXPAIN IT TO HIM.

But it was me who couldn't see that and it was me who ended up feeling totaly crushed when he didn't change. It's a vicious circle.
All our husbands are different people, some of them are nice, some not, regardless of the drinking, but the common link is drinking, and in that aspect what goes for one, goes for the rest of them, without exception. I've have lerned it a hard way. Be smarter than I was, and please remember whatever you think alcoholism to be, problem, condition or desease, one thing is for sure it can only be cured by an A himself, if he wants to, and even bigger truth is: WHATEVER YOU SAY CAN NOT MAKE HIM WANT TO.

canuckch

How did you know what is in my heart and mind? Brilliant post. Could have been written by me. (Except I haven't been on SR for 6 years.)

wicked

Amazing sesh,
This says it all, really.
Thank you.

Daisy30

I used to think the same thing as you. This marriage is for good times and bad. And this must be the bad. My AH is a great man too when he isn't drinking. But sadly the drinking is slowly taking over his life. Unfortunately this is a progressive disease. It gets worse. Things you couldn't imagine happening, happen. No one is saying leave your AH. We want you to take care of you. No one can change him, that is between him and HP. But you can change you
It is a bit tricky in the beginning. Sometimes what we "think" is help isn't really "help". And what looks like not helping, going on with life, leaving, abandoning, etc...really is help.

The book Marriage on the Rocks is a quick easy read. It helped me out a lot in the begining. Alanon has been a great help too!

Be gentle with yourself.

Freedom1990

I hail from a small town of 3000, and even though our AA group is pretty tiny right now, we make sure to have resources available. We had a Hispanic gentleman attending for several months. His English was very limited.

Although he probably didn't understand a lot of what was said at meetings, he knew it was the language of the heart around those tables. We all have a common bond.

We ordered the Big Book in spanish for him, and also the 12 Steps/12 Traditions book.

We now make sure we have Spanish versions of much of the AA literature available.

I'd be surprised if the AA in your area didn't at least get a Spanish Big Book for your AH if he asked them.

If he doesn't want to seek recovery, there isn't anything you can do to convince him, but there is much you can do for yourself.

Check into Alanon meetings in your area. There you will find face-to-face support among other people who have been affected by a loved one's alcoholism.

Get yourself a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among people who understand. :ghug3

LaTeeDa

The whole "for better or worse" thing really kept me stuck for longer than I like to admit. My view was that a marriage goes through changes and we adapt to those changes. There was a time when I was a stay at home mom and he was the sole breadwinner. Then, as my children got older, I craved adult interaction and the satisfaction of a career. At the same time, we were moving to a new area and his opportunities were limited. Seemed perfectly sensible to me that we switch. He could stay at home with the kids for a while and I could provide.

In a regular marriage, it probably would have worked out that way. But, he couldn't bring himself to be stay a home dad. First, he didn't want to remain sober and be responsible, but also there was some macho ego thing about it for him, too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the marriage vows (and responsibilities) apply equally to both partners. Sure, there is some give and take, and some periods where one gives more, but overall it should equal out. With my marriage, the pendulum never swung back the other way. It was me giving, and giving, and giving. Him taking, and taking, and taking. I waited a long time for his turn at giving, and it never came.

L