starcrossed

Hello! I stumbled upon this forum tonight as I was looking for information on alcoholism and felt the need to post something. I am in need of support/advice concerning my boyfriend's recent relapse. I am sorry if this is a bit long... I just need a place to share my story.

I love my boyfriend very much. We have been dating for 1 1/2 years, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him; however, I do not feel good about some of the issues/feelings that I have been having since his recent relapse last March.

When we started dating, he told me that he was an alcoholic. I come from a very small, strictly religious town halfway across the country. I didn't know anything about alcoholism or what it meant to be an alcoholic. Alcohol itself was a complete mystery to me. I was positive and supportive in what I did know, that it was an addiction; however, I have severely underestimated it.

He has struggled with trying to quit cigarettes for as long as I have known him, even being very deceitful about it at times. Sometimes I have worried that he will never quit, even though I would never tell him this. I want him to quit so badly (terrified of the health risks), but I am also learning that the alcoholism is a much bigger threat.

So as I was saying, he had been sober for over three years... until he took these muscle relaxers last March. He got them from an acquaintance at work and took them while I was at an appointment. He claims that he cannot remember anything after walking back to the apartment, which I can't seem to understand... that he doesn't even remember drinking or buying any sort of alcohol!

But when I came home from my appointment a couple hours later, he was passed out on the couch. I tried to wake him up, but alarms were going off inside my head. I immediately just knew that something was very wrong... and when I confronted him with these feelings, he became VERY angry and aggressive. His speech was terribly slurred. He wasn't making sense. I was shocked, completely floored. I didn't know what to do or what to say, so I grabbed my purse and told him that I was going to leave until he snapped out of whatever was going on... That is when he became very violent, shoving me down... calling me strange names... and terribly offensive ones. He was saying very hurtful things, some things that didn't even make sense... like accusing me of sleeping around or talking about things that have never happened.

I remember swinging me purse at him when he came towards me and took the keys... and things got too violent too fast. The neighbors ended up getting involved and calling the police, and my neighbor's boyfriend got into a terrible brawl with MY boyfriend!

The police arrested him. Even then he was not making sense. The police said that they could smell liquor on him, as did my neighbors before they had arrived. I was hurt and terrified. I do not want to go into the details of that violent night, but it was unlike anything I have ever seen. It destroyed a part of me.

The next day I found out that the state of Texas was pressing charges. They wanted to charge him with a felony (impeding breathing) because they had "probable cause". I called a few DA's when the police report did not match what happened. Some details used against him were incorrect to say the least. I told the D.A. I wanted it brought down to a misdemeanor under the condition that he receives treatment of some sort... and so it was.

So now he has been charged with a misdemeanor (assault on a family member). Deferred jurisdiction with 100 hours community service, multiple classes, counseling, and probation for one year (he meets with his PO twice a month to start).... I feel that this will be a good experience for him if he allows it to be a good experience... helpful in his recovery.

Not once has he blamed me for the way that I feel after all of this... He has taken responsibility for what he has done and seemed genuinely remorseful. He has taken many steps to give me the space and support that I need, but I still feel left in pieces.

I just can't seem to get over that night! The shock, the deceit, the trust destroyed... I had never known him to be violent. It was all such a terrible surprise that cut me so deeply. I love him and want to be with him, but I can't seem to let go of this pain... I feel guilt for being so naive, wishing I would have never come home that night... part of me wonders if things had gone differently if I had known what I was dealing with. Maybe if I knew going into the apartment what was going on, I could have said or done something different.

Sometimes, at work (we are both food servers) I see him carry drinks. Something is triggered then inside of me, and there are moments where I forget where I am. I panic a little. My chest becomes tight and my heart races, and for a moment, I am honestly terrified that he is going to come at me in a drunken rage (even though it makes no sense that he would at the time). I can't get the memories of what he did and said out of my head. They pop up every now and then, taking me by surprise for just a moment.

Sometimes when I am away from him, my heart is racing and I am panicking... wondering when his next relapse is going to be. What if he doesn't for a long time? What if he relapses in ten years, and there are children involved???

I do not mean to sound over dramatic, but I am trying to do what others have told me to do... to stay positive, to be supportive, to love him... and I hate to sound whiny but... what about me? What about my recovery? It seems like lately I have been so caught up in helping him get back on his feet and start his probation that I have forgotten about my own issues, as has everyone else.

I feel guilty for being saying such things and for feeling such things, but I also feel like I need to get them out anyway... I am so angry at alcoholism for robbing me of this relationship... I am upset over his anger issues and the **** I feel like I have had to constantly put up with. I am angry at whatever and whoever has hardened him time and time again, and for the effect that has had on me as well.

The lies and deceit HURT me. The mood swings and criticism and negativity hurt me. The complaining, the agitation... I feel dried up. Like I have tried as hard as I can to be supportive and happy... and be there with him through his day-to-day battles... but I have also lost myself in them. Sometimes I feel so neglected and alone... taking a backseat to his addictions.

And I want this relationship to work... I honestly do. I know some of the things I have said are... well, harsh... but I honestly love this man and have seen such a change in him over the course of the relationship. I just need some support, some consistency...

I have a lot of issues myself, especially concerning my family and adjusting to Texas. The stress is killing me...

But I want you all to know that he is my best friend. I know that this post does reflect well on him, but I am hoping you will understand that he is truly a good person. We have been through so much together, and he has often been there for me in times of great need.

I suppose I just need someone outside of the situation to talk to. I need advice... I know some of you may say "get out of the relationship" but as things stand, I honestly cannot walk away from this. I want to do what I can to make things work. I cannot give up on this relationship until I have tried everything I can to make things better. I DO KNOW that he feels the same way... and he IS taking steps to get better.

Any advice?

yeahgr8

There is a family and friends section which might be more helpful for your situation. I did read the whole of your post and like you said you need to concentrate on your recovery asap!!!

least

Here's the Friends and Family forum. CHeck it out. Lots of support and good advice there.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR!

Anna

Hi,

I hope that you find support for yourself.

Violence, under any circumstances, is unacceptable.

Mark75

Go to an Al-anon meeting ASAP.

Thanx for posting that here... we need to hear how frightening active alcoholism is and the destruction we leave in our paths.

Prayers to you.

Mark

Dee74

Welcome to SR starcrossed

I agree with Anna that violence is never acceptable.

I hope you'll never need to, but please come back to this thread if you feel you ever need the following information

I hope you check out our F and F forums - you'll find support there

D