Im in limbo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
Im in limbo
my AH left in december after 25 years of marriage, he is addicted to dr.prescribed pain meds and 12 years ago was addicted to crack..anyway
in the beginning we communicated (not very good talk) and then I learned how to take care of myself, which I am doing. I work fulltime take care of our house,bills, 4 dogs etc. he does nothing all day. He called about 3 weeks ago and said he misses me, doesnt want a divorce etc..but now we are going on 4months of seperation and I feel I am in limbo. I thought of writing him a letter (I dont want to talk to him as its the same ole crap Im sure) and ask him what his plans are as I would like to move on with my life and know where we stand. I am lonely, bored and just dont where we are going with this, he is fully aware that I wont take him back until he is sober after rehab,but I feel I need answers as to if he is considering rehab or not. I dont socialize much, have a great family and coworkers,but after work when Im home alone I get sad and angry about our situation. I have spoken to a lawyer a few months back and its going to cost me alot of money to file divorce and I also will have to pay alimony which Im not in the position to do. I saved our home while going through bankruptcy years ago from his addiction and so far holding my own (he cant get any money,jewelry this time) but again, I feel I deserve an answer. I know to take things one day at a time,but just some days I am frustrated not knowing...anyway was wondering if I should continue holding my own and continue what Im doing or write him a letter? any thoughts? thank you all for your support,you all have given me the strength to get through this
in the beginning we communicated (not very good talk) and then I learned how to take care of myself, which I am doing. I work fulltime take care of our house,bills, 4 dogs etc. he does nothing all day. He called about 3 weeks ago and said he misses me, doesnt want a divorce etc..but now we are going on 4months of seperation and I feel I am in limbo. I thought of writing him a letter (I dont want to talk to him as its the same ole crap Im sure) and ask him what his plans are as I would like to move on with my life and know where we stand. I am lonely, bored and just dont where we are going with this, he is fully aware that I wont take him back until he is sober after rehab,but I feel I need answers as to if he is considering rehab or not. I dont socialize much, have a great family and coworkers,but after work when Im home alone I get sad and angry about our situation. I have spoken to a lawyer a few months back and its going to cost me alot of money to file divorce and I also will have to pay alimony which Im not in the position to do. I saved our home while going through bankruptcy years ago from his addiction and so far holding my own (he cant get any money,jewelry this time) but again, I feel I deserve an answer. I know to take things one day at a time,but just some days I am frustrated not knowing...anyway was wondering if I should continue holding my own and continue what Im doing or write him a letter? any thoughts? thank you all for your support,you all have given me the strength to get through this
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Why do you need to know his plans in order to make your own? If you want to move on with your life, then you have a perfect right to do so. I don't understand why you would be required to pay alimony to a man who is perfectly able to work but chooses not to. I would contact a different attorney. You may find that getting out isn't as expensive as you think.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
your right. I guess Im not ready mentally and physically to have to go through another battle with him and lawyers etc. also,he is on perm. SSD for mental illness and doesnt make alot monthly so I would be required to pay alimony for his living expenses etc. (right now he is trying to survive by himself and not doing good which I could give a crap about) I spoke to 3 attorneys and they all said the same thing and same costs too,which is going to be hard on my finances. I cant work another job as I have my own health issues (cancer 2 times and having tests again for this again) and I get very,very tired working and taking care of the house. I know Im just trying to give him a chance again by writing him and that isnt good for me. Im learning, just having some bad days lately with dealing with everything 
...my plate is full and have to concentrate on myself again..thank you
...my plate is full and have to concentrate on myself again..thank you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Tam,
don't you just hate living in limbo?
I've been there...lots of times...and I hated it. I wanted answers. I wanted a plan.
I don't have all the answers by any means but if I've learned anything up to this point, its that I have to make plans based solely on whats best for me. If I make a decision based on what I hope my exah will do or what he tells me he will do, I might as well be paddling upstream without a paddle.
What do you want tam?
Where do you want to be in 1 year? in 5 years? in 10?
When you close your eyes and envision your life, how would you like it to look.
If you're like me and alot of the codies on this board, you want your life to be happy and your AH to be clean and healthy. You love him. If you didn't, you wouldn't have any hestitation or doubt in your life right now.
Focus on what you want and don't make your AH's recovery part of the equation. Where does that leave you? When you figure that out, you'll know what to do. You'll have the plan you so desperately want right now.
As for the finances, all I can say is its only money. Easy to say, I know...but its true.
When you have a goal you believe it, you can overcome little obstacles like cash.
I don't mean to make light of your concerns. I know they are real. But you can't let financial hurdles keep you from doing what's right for your heart and your soul.
I wish you luck and clarity...
don't you just hate living in limbo?
I've been there...lots of times...and I hated it. I wanted answers. I wanted a plan.
I don't have all the answers by any means but if I've learned anything up to this point, its that I have to make plans based solely on whats best for me. If I make a decision based on what I hope my exah will do or what he tells me he will do, I might as well be paddling upstream without a paddle.
What do you want tam?
Where do you want to be in 1 year? in 5 years? in 10?
When you close your eyes and envision your life, how would you like it to look.
If you're like me and alot of the codies on this board, you want your life to be happy and your AH to be clean and healthy. You love him. If you didn't, you wouldn't have any hestitation or doubt in your life right now.
Focus on what you want and don't make your AH's recovery part of the equation. Where does that leave you? When you figure that out, you'll know what to do. You'll have the plan you so desperately want right now.
As for the finances, all I can say is its only money. Easy to say, I know...but its true.
When you have a goal you believe it, you can overcome little obstacles like cash.
I don't mean to make light of your concerns. I know they are real. But you can't let financial hurdles keep you from doing what's right for your heart and your soul.
I wish you luck and clarity...
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