tpen

My email to her three weeks ago....
I'm sorry, I cannot continue on in our relationship. If there was complete honesty - maybe, but with my past and being cheated on and hurt, I will not crumble anymore. You have broken my heart. I love you~

Her reply....
And the life has been sucked out of me. This is the right thing…..I need to be with someone who trusts me. Are you sure it isn’t more than twice…..oh you would definitely know the exact number and probably date. I wish you well.

Thoughts on this from others as an example of shifting the blame?

IamSaved

Sounds to me like she is cutting you loose, giving you the freedom to pursue a much better life!

tpen, do you know the real reason this woman isn't with you anymore? It's because she realized you are NOT WEAK! She cannot manipulate you any longer, she has moved on to weaker prey. She had two choices. Get better, or find someone weaker.

She took the easy road. You should be thanking God everyday He saved you from a life of lies, deceit, addiction and unhappiness.

Move on, my friend! You have your entire life ahead of you. Stop wasting time on someone that isn't thinking about you!

tpen

Thanks for the input. I'm trying and doing good in various aspects of moving on. I miss her so much today and want to call......Just wish she would give it up. The sense I get from others here on this forum is the never give it up. In life though aren't there many success stories of alcholics changing their lives?

Wish I had an al anon meeting tonight, atleast there is church tonight.

Duped

I think maybe 23% of alcoholics give it up and fully recover.

Maybe you should get out and at least mingle with other women. I must confess I have done that, not to meet anyone per se, but just to be around normal women, so that I can cling to the reality that most people aren't like that.

And yes, it sounds exactly like blame shifting and eerily similar to a response I would have gotten from my ex.

There are so many options out there for you tpen, you have to seize the day so to speak, and beging forging onward. I know it's hard when emotions are involved.

The life has been sucked from her because you won't enable her anymore.

The pattern I noticed with my ex was that she was absolutely great - as long as you were enabling her. Remember, you are now her enemy tpen - you became a threat to her addiction and therefore her enemy. She is in immense denial, much like my ex still is.

IamSaved

When I was in the midst of the hurricane, tpen, feeling JUST like you are right now, sad, lonely, missing him, wanting his validation...someone asked me this question.

If he did give it up, if he did come back, do you really want to live your life with a man who is ONE AWAY? One away from addiction? One away from spiraling down the pit again? One drink away from chaos. That's all it is. ONE AWAY....

One away, tpen. IF she quit. IF she got into a program. IF she came back to you. IF she promised she'd never drink again. The sad, honest, terrible truth about an alcoholic is they are ALWAYS ONE AWAY!

Do you REALLY want a life, where you never really know if TODAY is the day she decides that the ONE is more important than the progress? Than life? Than a future?

I don't think so.

Stop concentrating on HER recovery, and start working on your own! You cannot control her, you cannot cure her, and you didn't cause her to drink. It's her battle, not yours. You cannot save her.

Duped

Correct, IAMSAVED, and what would be worse - is that when she takes that ONE DRINK, tpen will be much, much more enmeshed in her life and the pain will be 20 times worse, and tpen will have wasted 3, 5, or even 10 years on her. His esteem and sanity will have been fully compromised. Tpen, I think you are confusing pity and wanting to help this person in NEED with love. You are not feeling love right now, trust me on that one buddy, I took a crash course on it only last year, and I'm still feeling the after effects. It gets easier and easier. You are worth more than this.

IamSaved

Duped, that's all I think about is the ONE AWAY. It has kept me NC for over 2 months now. It keeps me away from the chaos, even though I have moments of missing him.

I don't miss the madness, the chaos, the anger, the hurt, the pain, the heartache and all that goes with loving an addict. I'm over it, by the grace of God and his divine intervention in my life!

tpen, trust us BOTH on this one. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this! So much more..you are a PRINCE of the Most High! Just as I am a Princess of the Most High! We are royalty, and our King does not want us to end up with the court jester!

Go to church tonight, and consume yourself with God's love and His word! He has unfailing Love for you! Victory can be yours! Just ask, and you shall receive!

tpen

Thanks everyone, I didn't want to post and look weak again. I feel better and know these feelings are normal. Please have patience with me as I grow loving myself.....for the first time in my life. I don't understand why this relationship occured as I always have felt God was walking with me the entire time.

I hope the wind dies down outside and I can regain a sense of peace.

Duped

Interesting. I have never thought of the ONE AWAY because mine never even bothered to quit.

I do however, love my serenity.

For the first time ever in my life, I feel content on my own. I feel content knowing the alternative would be chaos. I feel content I can get to sleep at night, sleep soundly, knowing that I can get up to go to work in the morning and concentrate on that again. Because for a long time I couldn't. Once it starts affecting your job, you know it's time to cut bait.

Duped

You aren't weak, quite the contrary. Your emotions have likely been topsy turvy for the last year or so. That's a long time. You aren't used to living without the drama.

Alcoholics thrive on creating anger, anxiety and keeping their victims emotionally unstable. You are still feeling all this stuff yet you are sticking to your guns.

That's not weak at all my friend, that is immense strength. That you are coming here for assistance from others shows it. You are being courageous and true to yourself, far from weak.

I felt for a long time that I was weak - subject to her whims, her mood swings, her ups and downs and her craziness, and I would do anything to stop her feeling that way. Now I just have serenity.

I have bad days (when I have no choice but to have contact) and I have good days (when I don't have contact at all). I love my good days now. I smile again. I stop and smell the roses. I'm getting all healed up I think.

IamSaved

tpen, God was ALWAYS with you. He never left you, ever. Our own decisions allow for free will. We sometimes make our own choices, even when God is trying to show us it's NOT the right thing to do!

God showed me on my FIRST DATE with my A that he was the WRONG GUY for me! He was hammered on our first date. It was only 4pm in the afternoon on a Saturday, and he was drunk out of his mind. I saw it, but didn't acknowledge this might be a problem! I was going to save him! YEAH RIGHT!

God gives us free will. Had I been sensible, I would have walked away after the first date. I didn't. God tried many times to show me, but I just closed my eyes and ears, thinking I knew better!

I didn't! And in the end, I should have ended the relationship before it ever began.

Duped, I feel the same way. I can go to bed on a Friday night, in peace. No beer cans opening, no AC/DC dvd's blaring at 3am. No drunk talking to himself about ME, blaming ME for everything that is wrong in his terrible, awful life with me.

Ahhh peace. I won't ever trade it again for any reason!

freefalling

Agree here> to be vulnerable is not weakness. We have withdrawals similar as the alcoholic. Emotional withdrawals. This is normal. This is growth

Hugs

DMKK

tpen,

You are doing great. Do your best to keep up with NC despite missing her and wanting to contact. I am going through the same thing so I get you. You know she has problems, she is not taking any steps to change herself, but yet there is still that compelling force that draws you towards them. It is our co-dependency. Much like they need the drink to get by, more some days than others, we some days feel we need them in our lives, more than others. Much like we want them to quit the bottle, we need ourselves to try to quit THEM. And it is NOT easy, believe me.

I have been struggling the same as you, for whatever reason still have hopes of reconciliation that I can't escape (a weakness in me), and I think you do, too. This is normal. You had this woman in your life a long time. You grew accustomed to her. The good and the bad. If it was all bad, nothing but trouble, this would be easier. But it wasn't. There were good times. Times she cuddled up to you in bed. Times she hugged you after work. Times she cooked you a good meal. Times you had a great talk. There ARE good times, these HAVE to happen for us to get to the point where we become dependent on them.

You'll notice some of the wonderful others posting on your thread have more strength than we do as they have seen things get SO bad that the good times faded. They didn't matter anymore. Since this is all fresh and new, they are still there, so your feelings are normal.

I am going through this with you, man. Trust me when I say it has not been easy and I am weak as well. NC is a challenge for me every day but I am going to do my best to be strong. Keep busy, resist the temptation to research or contact, post here, read other things, and try to be strong for yourself.

By the way the email you sent, would have been better written but never sent, just written for YOU...Not that I don't understand those feelings, because I really do, I have felt them for my ex, but when you give them that, it gives them even MORE power and they know they have a hold on you. Best to stay in no contact and make them miss you and wonder.

Hang in there buddy.

Hammerhead

tpen... food for thought.

(Bible in Basic English)

Ephesians 5:11
And have no company with the works of the dark, which give no fruit, but make their true quality clear;

2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not keep company with those who have not faith: for what is there in common between righteousness and evil, or between light and dark?

Ephesians 5:7
Don't participate in the things these people do.


((hugs))

TakingCharge999

Hi tpen,
Tell us everything you feel, everything about her if you wish.... just don't contact her! don't take the first drink..

Yup, I didn't get much of what she said (english is not my native language..) but it sounded insulting.. yup, that is how "contact" looks like. That is why most of us keep away, even if we struggle sometimes.

One day at a time, one breathe at a time, I promise you it will get much better.

TakingCharge999

Meanwhile Melody Beatties "Codependent no more" "The Grief club" and "the language of letting go" can help. I got the 3 of them and took me through many bad days, nights, weeks and months. You don't have to do it alone you know

tpen

I never thought this site/forum would provide the caring and spiritual support I have received thus far. I am strong in God's word, but to have stumbled on this forum is truly a blessing from Him. Your replies are helpful and they are real! Thank you all with a huge smile and a hug.

Off to sing to the Lord!!!!!!!

Summerpeach

Your ex replies like my boyfriend did when I broke up with him a yr ago.
Now, I need to say this, the "blame game" is played by everyone, not just addicts.

But yay, her reply, makes me stomach turn

Jadmack25

Weakness is not when you are open to other thoughts and ideas, recognising you need help and able to ask for it. That flyhigh, comes from true strength.

Weakness, is being AFRAID to open up, to see when help is needed, to ask for it.

Congratulations on your strength, and may it keep growing.

God bless

TakingCharge999

Hugs back!!

Can I "challenge" you?

So far I have heard much more about this troubled woman than you.

Challenge: can you let us know

-one of your talents
-one of the best moments of your life (that can be told in this family oriented forum..) prior of knowing this woman.
-one of your favorite places
-if santa claus arrived to your home, which was your favorite toy?
-your Top 5 favorite songs of all time