CashFan

I see it referred to in here a bit. Is it short for dumbarse?

LaTeeDa

Not at all. It's short for codependent. Some of the brightest people I know are also codependent.

L

CashFan

oh of course, thanks for that.

stella27

Really, LTD? It's possible to be bright and co-dependent? I would think they would be mutually exclusive. Maybe that's because I feel so dumb about my own co-dependent behaviors.

LaTeeDa

It's absolutely possible. I believe codependency has nothing to do with intelligence. It's all about ingrained beliefs and emotional behaviors. I think that's why some people (and I was one of them) don't want to admit/recognize they are codependent. They somehow think that makes them stupid. It doesn't.

L

sapphire69

There are multiple intelligences. Just because some of us don't make the best choices in relationships doesn't mean we are not intelligent in other areas. I am quite intelligent and yes maybe I didn't make the best choices in companions, but I would not say it was due to not being intelligent, I would say it was due to ignorance or not knowing any better.

stella27

I have made some REALLY bad decisions in an effort to get along, not rock the boat, not make a big deal about something...

and I regret them DEEPLY. I feel so stupid and my decisions were based on emotions and not on the business or logical part of my brain. And so my codependent tendencies have bled into the rest of my life and I allowed myself to be taken advantage of because I was so eager to be a good girl.

It makes me sick.

LaTeeDa

Yeah, I did that, too. But, the way I look at it, you can't be stupid about things you do not know. I was going by what I learned and what was role-modeled to me as a child.

I suppose I could have learned some of these lessons quicker and saved myself some amount of suffering. But, the reality is I had to learn them before I could know better. It's kinda like taking a class and then beating yourself up for not knowing whatever it was prior to taking the class.

L

GiveLove

Stella, Julia Cameron has this great line that I love. Paraphrased, it's:

We all do the best we can with the light we have to see by at the time.

I made decisions purely from the heart for at least half my life. Some of them turned out spectacularly bad. I didn't know better - the light was pretty dim at that time.

Now I make decisions that balance my head and my heart -- logic and love, mostly self-love. The basic chemistry of my Self has changed. I know I could never do those same things again.

I have observed that you've punished yourself enough. Try forgiving yourself for what you didn't know then. As one of our great posters' signatures says, "Now that I know better, I will do better."

Just my two cents, from another one of those Smart Codies - who took a long time to learn to make the right decisions for herself

Ceres

That made me laugh! Thanks. :-)
:rotfxko

CashFan

I asked this, cos I really didnt know what codie stood for. In all the posts I read, I see it, and yeah it could be interpereted that way as dumbarse. Myself included, biggest dumbarsed codie imaginable, so codied I divorced one alcho, and married another.

Jadmack25

Cashfan, if ousting 1 alcoholic and then getting in line for another is dumb arsed, then there is a long, long line ahead and behind you who did the same thing.

Fortunately for me, my XAH took his time to drink himself to death, so I had not married again. XAH died last year, by which time I felt the single life was too good to meddle with, so I am letting my life stay as it is.

RABF and I have our own units, share meals, outings and co-own the car, but have no legal ties, and all the past stress of living with him has gone.

Knowing that, should there be a return to the drinking for him, I can pull up my drawbridge and say bye bye....with no hassles of moving out, or money troubles, has made such a difference to my health, and Praise God I can sleep again.

This codie is back to living for ME first, instead of worrying and working myself silly, over everybody else I care for, especially RABF when in full drinking mode.

Never, ever again will I hand over 1 minute of my precious life to someone who doesn't even think their own life is precious, and cares nothing for mine.

God bless

CashFan

Jad, you are so strong. Im trying, and im trying hard. I got alcho hubby number two, with liver failure, and I still get out, altho, last night on my way to CFS, my car broke down, in the middle of a road, and i had no clue what to do, so I called home, and lucky my son is home, he came and helped me push my car to the side of the road. I hate that car, I hate cars. I hate them, cos I always need a man when things go wrong with a car. I like riding my push bike.

LaTeeDa

We have something here called roadside assistance. It costs about $50 a year and you can call for assistance any time. They will change a tire, tow it home, tow it to a repair shop, etc. That's how I got out from under needing a man for car troubles. Maybe you have something similar there?

L

CashFan

Jad, geeze, I jump the gun. Im sorry for your loss. How did your xah die? Liver failure?
And you picked an alcho boyfriend. Dont marry him. This is coming from my heart, wtf is wrong with us? Why do we fall for these men? I am getting my life together, you all know I am fire fighter. I did 12 months volunteer and study, got thru BF1 and passed. So, I dont get paid, but i can, no actually, I am, responsible for saving lives, and with the team, fight fires. Thats what i have done for myself. I want to further this, and with Hecs and cfs, go onto forensics. I self doubt, but, yeah, little steps for me. Id really like to say, this is not codie behaviour, when Im caring for a dying husband, yes, he brought it on himself, but, hey, I dont have it in me to leave him to die now. I will care for him. I will also care for me. Love Lea

CashFan

we have RAA here, La Te Da, like what you are saying. Im from small town, and I hate the guts out of who works the RAA here, eg my FATHER.

stella27

GiveLove, that was really sweet. Yes, I have a self-punishing streak (guilt, regret, anger at myself) that could stand to be relaxed somewhat.

My therapist told me this from The Natural (movie) the other day.
When Roy Hobbes (played by the beautiful Robert Redford), the washed-up baseball player, was in the hospital, suffering from what I assume is years of hard living, he was visited by his former girlfriend (Glenn Close). He was talking about what a mess he had made of his life, and she said:

"I believe we have two lives: The life we learn with and the life we live with after that."

I am working on internalizing that. Thank you for pointing it out to me - it's interesting to see how you come across to others when it's not quite so apparent to yourself.

lulu1974

There was a legal case a while back about a very smart young woman graduated from Harvard is a bigshot at a company and she married someone who eventually turned out to be a fraud. They had a child together and she thought they got married but not legally she later found out. The point to the story is everyone questioned how she can be so smart and not know he was a fraud. On the stand (this was televised) she said to the lawyer questioning her emotional inteligence has nothing to do with how smart I am in the business world, etc. Those werent the exact words she used but you get the gist.

CashFan

thats true, lulu, thanks for posting this. Id love to see people who think they are rock bottom, post in here, its really good to let everything out, it will be OK, plenty of loving and smart peeps in this SR group.