Replying here so I don't respond
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Replying here so I don't respond
Email from dh yesterday evening. I am usually good about not responding and even find it a relief to just let it go. Since the whole mess started I've only engaged one time with the emails and that was a long time ago, before Christmas. I read them in case it is about kid stuff but I only reply if there is a reply needed about the kids.
He hasn't sent one in awhile but I was worked up to begin with because he is not calling the kids when he says he is going to. He says they can come visit but then does not follow through with phone calls or arranging the visit. This is totally not shocking and is in complete alignment with how he handles everything. I know there is nothing I can do about that but my heart is breaking for them. I can see the hurt and confusion on their faces.
I have not responded but I've typed replies out three times and not sent them and need to LET IT GO so I'm blabbering to you all. I have no idea if and how much he drinks. This one is spelled correctly, short, there was only one, and coherant so I'm guessing he was either sober or close to it. That makes it worse and really sends me into orbit. I think I'm getting better but apparently not. I'm also pms'ing tons and just want to lay into him.
"I'm sorry, but can never forgive ya for not wanting to try, at least for us and mostly for the boys so they could have a mom and dad. Almost 100 percent my fault with the marriage that i know of, but 100 percent your fault for not wanting to at least try, maybe i don't know what you were up to, but the boys come 1st to me. " ETA: if this is confusing - this is his email.
I could care less if you forgive me. It isn't even on my radar.
The kids have a dad. You decide what kind of relationship it is.
I asked for counseling three times in the last three years of this marriage and you refused. You said more sex would fix everything. Dumb ass.
I still said I'd do counseling if you quit drinking and were in a recovery program but you would not do that. Even the counselor said she wouldn't do marriage counseling with someone in active addiction.
Seems to me that alcohol comes first.
&*(*)&*(&# $*()#$*($#*()#)$*()$#)@@#!@&^)%^# !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
You said more sex would fix everything. Dumb ass.
sonofabitch, what an ass. yeah thumper, i was married to the sex will fix everything.
geez.
and who gives a flying fig if you forgive that fool? only him? selfish so and so!
what about your children?!?!?!
what are they to you?!?!?
oh, how i would love to have him in my sights.
just to graze him, and get his attention.
it is so friggin stupid it goes from the ridiculous to the sublime.
how low can he go?
good god, i am glad you can vent here thumper.
please keep it up.
that dumbazz.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
This looks to me like a blantant attempt to get you to engage. Bask in the glory of not doing it. He is delusional. You know that.
Heck...Your kids probably even know that. Its sad for them, but, you are able to not engage. He is putting his hook and BAIT in the water. Just swim on by. You dont eat worms, after all!
Heck...Your kids probably even know that. Its sad for them, but, you are able to not engage. He is putting his hook and BAIT in the water. Just swim on by. You dont eat worms, after all!
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Seeing the projection in this email might help you to not engage. He is blaming you for not wanting to try, yet he knew what he had to do and didn't do it. He is the one who didn't want to try. Then he pulls out the "what's best for the kids" line because he knows that one tugs at your heart. Everything he says, he is saying about himself, not you. He is desperate and pathetic, and one day, IF he gets sober, he will realize it.
L
L
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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No Worms, No Worms, No Worms.
haha. I like that. Thank you for the support. Wicked, if that one riled you up you should read some of the others!, lol.
LTD, that really helps me a lot to put it in perspective. It is pitiful -- and as usual he is all talk and zero action.
I was so close to engaging. Narrow miss - glad this forum was here
haha. I like that. Thank you for the support. Wicked, if that one riled you up you should read some of the others!, lol.
LTD, that really helps me a lot to put it in perspective. It is pitiful -- and as usual he is all talk and zero action.
I was so close to engaging. Narrow miss - glad this forum was here
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
It's funny, mine was always going on about how I didn't even want to 'try'......that started almost immediately after I began detaching and still comes up from time to time. Really what they mean is they are bemoaning the fact that we refuse to be manipulated anymore. Blame shifting etc.....the usual crap. Mine has been trying to engage me for some time now but it's not working.
It will get to the point that you won't engage anymore simply because it's too draining.
Some days I really want to lay into mine as well, but all that would do is cause me to fall into my ex's trap and give her fodder to use against me, so I say nothing.
"I'm sorry, but can never forgive ya for not wanting to try, at least for us and mostly for the boys so they could have a mom and dad."
GUILT TRIPPING
Almost 100 percent my fault with the marriage that i know of, but 100 percent your fault for not wanting to at least try, maybe i don't know what you were up to, but the boys come 1st to me. "
BLAME SHIFTING/TWISTING THE FACTS
This makes me want to puke just reading it as it is exactly what my ex tries to pull all the time.
It will get to the point that you won't engage anymore simply because it's too draining.
Some days I really want to lay into mine as well, but all that would do is cause me to fall into my ex's trap and give her fodder to use against me, so I say nothing.
"I'm sorry, but can never forgive ya for not wanting to try, at least for us and mostly for the boys so they could have a mom and dad."
GUILT TRIPPING
Almost 100 percent my fault with the marriage that i know of, but 100 percent your fault for not wanting to at least try, maybe i don't know what you were up to, but the boys come 1st to me. "
BLAME SHIFTING/TWISTING THE FACTS
This makes me want to puke just reading it as it is exactly what my ex tries to pull all the time.
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Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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I love how you categorized that, Duped.
I sometimes think we ought to have little bins available here on SR (if it were a real place) where people could bring their emails/letters/texts from their alcoholic loved ones, and practice sorting them like that, sentence by sentence, like they're recyclables.
all the "you never loved me" lines could go into the BUTTON-PUSHING bin
all the "you're probably seeing somebody else" lines could go into the POOR MISTREATED ME pile or the BLAMESHIFTING barrel
And then everyone could use the free hand sanitizer dispenser (to wash away the ick) and go off and enjoy their day
The toxic waste guys in their white plastic suits would come and cart off the bins every night after you've gone.....
Hang in there, Thumper. You're doing great.
I sometimes think we ought to have little bins available here on SR (if it were a real place) where people could bring their emails/letters/texts from their alcoholic loved ones, and practice sorting them like that, sentence by sentence, like they're recyclables.
all the "you never loved me" lines could go into the BUTTON-PUSHING bin
all the "you're probably seeing somebody else" lines could go into the POOR MISTREATED ME pile or the BLAMESHIFTING barrel
And then everyone could use the free hand sanitizer dispenser (to wash away the ick) and go off and enjoy their day
The toxic waste guys in their white plastic suits would come and cart off the bins every night after you've gone.....Hang in there, Thumper. You're doing great.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Wicked, if that one riled you up you should read some of the others!, lol.
really, my ex said something of the sort, and i am thinking,
"okay, i quit drinking to make it work for the kids, how come you get to drink and smoke crack, but i am the one giving up?"
silliness, really silly quacking.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
I love how you categorized that, Duped.
I sometimes think we ought to have little bins available here on SR (if it were a real place) where people could bring their emails/letters/texts from their alcoholic loved ones, and practice sorting them like that, sentence by sentence, like they're recyclables.
all the "you never loved me" lines could go into the BUTTON-PUSHING bin
all the "you're probably seeing somebody else" lines could go into the POOR MISTREATED ME pile or the BLAMESHIFTING barrel
And then everyone could use the free hand sanitizer dispenser (to wash away the ick) and go off and enjoy their day The toxic waste guys in their white plastic suits would come and cart off the bins every night after you've gone.....
Hang in there, Thumper. You're doing great.
I sometimes think we ought to have little bins available here on SR (if it were a real place) where people could bring their emails/letters/texts from their alcoholic loved ones, and practice sorting them like that, sentence by sentence, like they're recyclables.
all the "you never loved me" lines could go into the BUTTON-PUSHING bin
all the "you're probably seeing somebody else" lines could go into the POOR MISTREATED ME pile or the BLAMESHIFTING barrel
And then everyone could use the free hand sanitizer dispenser (to wash away the ick) and go off and enjoy their day
The toxic waste guys in their white plastic suits would come and cart off the bins every night after you've gone.....Hang in there, Thumper. You're doing great.
'The Websters Unabridged Dictionary of quacking'
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Thumper;2567687"I'm sorry,[B
but[/B]
(translation - denial, not really sorry)
can never forgive ya for not wanting to try(translation - minimizing,because you already tried 9 million times)
, at least for us (translation - manipulation, there is no US, there is only him and alcohol)
and mostly for the boys so they could have a mom and dad (translation - guilt tripping, they will always have a mom and dad, even after death).
Almost (translation, ommision of facts, it is absolutely)
100 percent my fault with the marriage that i know of(ommission, I can't remember everything from the blackouts and failure to listen),
but 100 percent your fault for not wanting to at least try(translation - stupid, 100 % + 100% = 200%, wth?)
, maybe i don't know what you were up to, but the boys come 1st to me(translation - liar, alcohol comes first). "
&*(*)&*(&# $*()#$*($#*()#)$*()$#)@@#!@&^)%^# !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(translation - denial, not really sorry)
can never forgive ya for not wanting to try(translation - minimizing,because you already tried 9 million times)
, at least for us (translation - manipulation, there is no US, there is only him and alcohol)
and mostly for the boys so they could have a mom and dad (translation - guilt tripping, they will always have a mom and dad, even after death).
Almost (translation, ommision of facts, it is absolutely)
100 percent my fault with the marriage that i know of(ommission, I can't remember everything from the blackouts and failure to listen),
but 100 percent your fault for not wanting to at least try(translation - stupid, 100 % + 100% = 200%, wth?)
, maybe i don't know what you were up to, but the boys come 1st to me(translation - liar, alcohol comes first). "
&*(*)&*(&# $*()#$*($#*()#)$*()$#)@@#!@&^)%^# !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Oh dear, I meant to highlight the word "but" at the beginning.
Don't you just love this line from folks: I'm sorry but....
I think it should have an extra "t" every time people use it. It would look like this:
I am sorry butt and then they proceed to show their arse!
Don't you just love this line from folks: I'm sorry but....
I think it should have an extra "t" every time people use it. It would look like this:
I am sorry butt and then they proceed to show their arse!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by GiveLove
I love how you categorized that, Duped.
I sometimes think we ought to have little bins available here on SR (if it were a real place) where people could bring their emails/letters/texts from their alcoholic loved ones, and practice sorting them like that, sentence by sentence, like they're recyclables.
all the "you never loved me" lines could go into the BUTTON-PUSHING bin
all the "you're probably seeing somebody else" lines could go into the POOR MISTREATED ME pile or the BLAMESHIFTING barrel
And then everyone could use the free hand sanitizer dispenser (to wash away the ick) and go off and enjoy their day The toxic waste guys in their white plastic suits would come and cart off the bins every night after you've gone.....
Hang in there, Thumper. You're doing great.
I sometimes think we ought to have little bins available here on SR (if it were a real place) where people could bring their emails/letters/texts from their alcoholic loved ones, and practice sorting them like that, sentence by sentence, like they're recyclables.
all the "you never loved me" lines could go into the BUTTON-PUSHING bin
all the "you're probably seeing somebody else" lines could go into the POOR MISTREATED ME pile or the BLAMESHIFTING barrel
And then everyone could use the free hand sanitizer dispenser (to wash away the ick) and go off and enjoy their day
The toxic waste guys in their white plastic suits would come and cart off the bins every night after you've gone.....Hang in there, Thumper. You're doing great.
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
How that hits home with me right now.
It used to really bother me so much but it sort of just made me mad this time. I'm not sure why. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind but I'm happy to let it go now.
Originally Posted by Pelican
I added some translations. My opinion based on my history of alcoholism.
Duped, you are right. It is all so twisted and there is no point in trying to have a sensible dialogue about it.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
There is no sensible dialogue, because it will always descend into the blame shifting, manipulative, button pushing tactics and drive you mad. I just got a long rambling email today from my ex complaining about my choice of lawyers, and that the advice I received would only be for someone going through a messy divorce with abuse involved.......I didn't respond, I only thought to myself, ".....you're point being?"
She's just mad because my lawyer/slash mediator is going to make her have to play fairly, without the tactics, no twisting the facts, no blame shifting.....that's really what she's mad about.
The things is, she seems to miss the point that everything I have documented and have proof of, indicated to my lawyer, that, yes, indeed Duped, you were in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and drug addict and there is NO reasoning with a person who doesn't understand boundaries.
She's just mad because my lawyer/slash mediator is going to make her have to play fairly, without the tactics, no twisting the facts, no blame shifting.....that's really what she's mad about.
The things is, she seems to miss the point that everything I have documented and have proof of, indicated to my lawyer, that, yes, indeed Duped, you were in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and drug addict and there is NO reasoning with a person who doesn't understand boundaries.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I love the motto:
I am going to write that down and put it up in my cubicle at work to remind me not to allow the Toxic People to engage me.
Yes. When I was in a "relationship" with an alcoholic drug addict many years ago, I got so tired of hearing those words. Now, whenever I become involved with anyone, I tell them up front, "I do not want to hear 'I'm sorry'. Just save it. Don't say it, show it." The only way to show that you are "sorry" is to not repeat the behavior for which you are sorry for.
No worms today
Don't you just love this line from folks: I'm sorry but....
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Yes....I hate any line that has a "but", hanging in the air. I just know that somewhere along the line I am about to get it in my "butt".
So here is to accepting NO MORE BUTS.
God bless
So here is to accepting NO MORE BUTS.
God bless
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I've got one to add:
When I asked my AH why he was insisting on me making an appointment for marriage counseling (I wanted him to get individual counseling, like I was) he said this to me -
I would much rather you attended counseling with me because you want to improve our lives, which is why I've been hemming and hawing about trying to get you to come along.
Right before he told me I either go, or get the hell out.
See how it was all my fault?
When I asked my AH why he was insisting on me making an appointment for marriage counseling (I wanted him to get individual counseling, like I was) he said this to me -
I would much rather you attended counseling with me because you want to improve our lives, which is why I've been hemming and hawing about trying to get you to come along.
Right before he told me I either go, or get the hell out.
See how it was all my fault?
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