NeedHappiness

Hello. I haven't posted in about a year or so (I think). After months and months of gaining confidence through members of this website and lots of reading and educating myself about addiction and alcoholism..... I finally felt sterong enough to let go. My ABF and I broke up in June of 2008 and it took me a good, long time to get used to living alone and also to get over him. We were broken up for about a year. I dated a couple of people, both of which turned out to be problemed/needy men..... and next thing I knew, I started listening and believing all the BS my ZABF was feeding me and ended up right back with the XABF and we tried to make things work again. We got back together with the promise from him that he had quit drinking! (what a dummy I was!!!!!) He went about 100 days sober and I truly, TRULY thought we were on our way to a bright, sober future together!! Now, here I am..... a year later, and things are working their way right back to the drunken state he was in when I broke things off. I am now to the point of telling him to leave again, but this time for good. All the false promises he gave me......... all the time I have wasted trying to stick by his damn side thru this mess......everything between us GONE!! He makes me sick to my stomach most of the time now. when he mentiones sex (only when he is drunk) it makes me cringe! Not only that, I have supported him for this past year and he is making no effort to work, even when he has the chance to work. Talking about feeling taken advantage of....... my own stupid fault, but I really did believe in him. Now I am catchin him in lies..... I have accidently found empty pint bottles of booze in the trash.....same old story as last time!! I don't know whether to cry or to scream!!
I need some firm but compassionate advice here!! We have all been thru similar situations so I am asking for someone to tell me that I have done all I can for this man! I feel that old familiar lump coming up in my throat and I do't want to feel this way anymore. Help:rotfxko

tpen

Prayers for you are being sent. I have just started and cannot imagine the effort, hope and seed you planted to be totally gone. I am learning more about this disease and it seems almost unbeatable. Did he have a HP, or trust in God through his recovery? Did you?

Kerbcrawler

i think you already know the answer to the question you ask...although i know how we all get conditioned to the norm of bad ways and habits...that we lose our ability to make a sensible and rational choice...what can be bad news for so long ..can become absolute normality...because your confidence is so shot.. you can begin to think you are the lesser than less....nah dont beleive the hype... get on up again...

NeedHappiness

I DO pray to God about all of this. Actually I had been looking for a house (my first home) but things have not been coming together as I thought they would. I am now convinced that the Lord wanted this relationship thing done and over with before I committ to a new place. Yes, there is a reason for everything and things seem to be coming clearer to me now. I'm not as upset about it all as I was last time. It is what it is, and obviously we just weren't meant to be a couple. How sad. I really love this man and have for 20+ years. We were together for about 5 years. He says he believes in God. when he went sober, he did it on his own. Probably why it did not work for him. I do't know. I am not an alcoholic

Kerbcrawler

if the future beckons a new life ..hey why not go for..best of luck freind...

Jadmack25

Sorry you are where you are whith this man, but you may be so right about having to get this relationship over and finshed with, before you move on.

You listened to him, and at that time he may not have been BS'ing you....he may have meant those promises...AT THAT TIME....but was not able to go the distance with being sober. OK, now you gave it a chance and it didn't work out....and you know why, and you knew to come back here for help and support....so you are ahead of where you were in the past.

Time to strengthen your love and respect for yourself again, and tell him that the free ride is over, and he can hit the road. Let him know that the free living is over for him, and if he wants to eat he get's a job, or finds a shelter or soup kitchen.

Do you see any legal problems, or is it just ok to say "you have a week to get sorted and out of here". I don't know the rules in Indiana.

Have you in my heart and prayers.

God bless

NeedHappiness

No, no legal issues, thank goodness. We are not married, have no kids and no property so it should be cut and dry. I called him an hour ago to see if he was working (codie me) and he was not. Said he had no money for gas....yadee yadeee.....so I told him we needed to talk tonight. Right away, he said shoudl I start packing my things? I told him "yes". So.........he KNOWS what's going on. I think he was going to push me to the limit and see just how far I would bend.
thank you for your kind words and it really helps me to hear what you have said! I do feel stronger this time.
Blessings

NeedHappiness

This was sent to me by a close friend: This is SO SO true: Not sure who the author is.

LETTING GO!
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

wanting

Don't beat yourself up for believing in him. Some of us have to give it a lot longer than others. I know that if I had left my XH a year ago when I first started wanting to, I would have always wondered if I left too soon. I feel 100% solid moving forward now. I've been through way more pain than I would have liked to go through, but my path was right for me, and yours is right for you too.

Jadmack25

You are getting to the end of that long, winding path.....soon you will be walking on your
own smooth and beautiful path to the future.

God bless

isurvived

Don't feel too remorseful and don't be hard on yourself. Each of us have been down that road of giving "second or even third or fourth chances" and know the feelings you are having. It somehow is in our nature.

Knowing that, now you can step forward to a new day. Forgive yourself. You've been more than patient.