lulu1974

I dont understand why I dont have a shut off valve for my emotions! It would be so much easier to shut them off!
Divorce papers should be back from the court today and then off to him.
When I think of him..its sad that I only have memories from the beginning back about 10 years and to see what he has become now..a lieing, self absorbed, selfish, impressionable, cheating, thieving, manipulating, 13 year old boy.
Where did I go wrong and how did I get here? Why didnt I run when I first saw signs. But I am facing reality. But my reality isnt what I thought it was anymore. I have taken the blinders off..My sweet quiet husband had a whole secret life and hated me yet somehow loved me. Or so he says. I guess its better that I have so little good memories and when I sat and talked to my friend and catch how she and her husband get along I get a bit of jealous in me. Because I wanted to have that one day. I wanted someone who really cared for me. I wanted a real man who didnt get his seven brand jeans dry cleaned because that is just ridiculous. For a while I thought he was gay and that would have been fine if I wasnt married to him.
There is a small part of me that entertains what he says about my character defects but I think that is the codie on me when I shift blame to myself because then if its my fault I think I can actually fix it. That has never worked for me yet. LOL.
Just venting as usual. Plus I have a sinus infection and not feeling well today so that may be my trigger.

Pelican

Emotions.
Your emotions.
A part of the very complex, precious YOU.

Shut-off a part of YOU? Not anymore!

Identify It. Feel It. Own It. Move past It.

You may be on the rollercoaster of emotions that come with grief. Grieving the loss of a relationship is as powerful as grieving the loss of a loved one through death. The emotional stages of grief are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

They can come and go at anytime (exciting, right?). I remember when I started full blown, sober grieving for the end of my marriage. I was on the phone with my gf (social worker, too) and telling her how depressed I was. Crying, crying about how he choose alcohol instead of us. She reminded me about the stages of grief. She also reminded me that the stages come and go, and she told me to get help if I get stuck in one of the stages. What? Get stuck? I started laughing through my tears at that! I certainly didn't want to get stuck in depression when I still had anger and denial to deal with, right?

She was right. Get help when you need it. You will be okay. The emotions you are feeling are natural and you are emotionally healing.

(((hugs)))

Ceres

"dont understand why I dont have a shut off valve for my emotions"!

If you figure it out, please let me know!

LaTeeDa

Something I learned in therapy was nearly all of my self-destructive, unhealthy behaviors were done to avoid feeling uncomfortable. The fear of feeling bad was so intense that I did nearly anything to avoid it. The behaviors I developed to protect myself from feeling bad did infinitely more harm that the bad feelings ever could have done. Ironic, isn't it?

L

freefalling

Agree - and when I had to start avoiding feeling uncomfortable I became even more of an emotional mess( crying ) when i started feeling my feelings. Then(after a year of crying) I became better . I learnt this with a counseller knowledgable in addiction - first therapist who got my self - destructiveness. Not all therapists understand this and how to deal with it. Same as alcoholics - they drink not to feel uncomfortable.

Jadmack25

I had a shut off valve some years ago, it is called "numb". I heard nothing, saw nothing, said nothing and felt nothing.....in fact I was nothing, and all I needed was a headstone to be dead. When the feelings came back, they were so intense, it was sheer agony....as if during the time of numbness, the pain, anger, despair and heartache had just built up, and as soon as that numbness began to fade.....whoom...feelings just erupted.

I would prefer, if I ever have to go thru something similar again....to feel my way thru it from the start, live each emotion and know I am alive...rather than be a zombie an then be flooded with more emotion than I can handle at one time.

God bless

barb dwyer

Stop.
Don't go that route.

It's the turn off on the highway of change
that takes us straight to self blame and shame.

We learn nothing from that other than (if we're lucky)
how to climb out of yet another hole.

Don't go there.
You're doing what is best for you.

You are determined to learn from this
so that you never do this again.

Let it hurt.. just as it is.
Don't add to it with the guilt trip stuff.

It's okay to be in pain as long as we don't become mired up in it.

If there were any part of you that doubted that this wasn't the right thing to do
i would counsel you to speak with someone.
But there isn't any.


It hurts now, on hell yeah.
But it will pass.

Jadmack25

Quote:
Where did I go wrong and how did I get here?

The same way most of us land in the same spot....we loved someone.
It may have been a mistake, but it is not a crime to love, or make mistakes.

Now you know they were not the right one for you, and you need to heal from actions that hurt and harmed you.

You have enough to manage, without adding unnecessary guilt to the load, so let it go and handle what is yours, one little step at a time.

God bless

freefalling

Exactly same here. I am thankful for the lessons learnt. I do not wish my children to go through life with this kind of "shut -off valve". With their dad escaping(up to now) they need an example of a parent who faces life and emotions as they come. It will become easier hey Jadmack?