How would you deal with this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
How would you deal with this?
As some of you know I have 'custody' of my nephew Joe.
I've had this legally for almost a year, although he's lived with us for almost two years.
His other aunt seems to think theres a big problem, unfortunately she doesnt see fit to tell me what this problem is.
Apparently Joe was upset last weekend when he was due to come home from her house after an overnight stay.
She only decided to tell me this on Thursday, he came home Sunday evening.
I know this is one sided in my favour, but this aunt is very manipulative, she tells him that his mum wanted him to live with her before she died, that his gran is old and he should go see her before she dies, and any chance she can she rips his dad.
She's decided to threaten me with a solicitors letter. This is the second time she's threatened it, the first time nothing happened, I didn't get a letter.
I have no idea what this letter is supposedly about, but apparently this time it's for real.
I'm not too worried, I have parental responsibility and residence, granted by a court and not without checks and assessments.
I am worried that she still wont tell me what upset my nephew so much. Of course I know now because I asked him, I told him his other aunt had said he was upset and that i was concerned, nothing else. He spilled the whole lot about feeling like he was pulled in two, that he feels he has to go see his gran, that he should live with her cos its what his mum wanted.
I'm so tempted to tell him how that woman wouldn't even ring social services to tell them he was being neglected and needed support, while at the same time I was risking my familt to protect him!
And how she told me she would go to court for residence (custody) but that it would cost her too much (how much does she think it cost me?)
Obviouslt I wont tell him this, he doesn't need it and it would do no one any good. I would like im to have a good relationship with her, she is after all his mothers sister, but I really wonder if she is what he needs right now.
I can't have a conversation with her, she screeches down the phone that I wont allow this and wont allow that, she even said the other day that I wont allow Joe to go to her place in Spain with her family, I have never been asked! I don't think I would stand in his way of a free Spanish holiday really.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here to be honest, I feel a little stressed, but I know she has no automatic rights where Joe is concerned, although I've never (yet) pulled rank.
I haven't even recieved the promised letter, so really I have nothing to worry about.
She just seems hellbent on causing us as much stress as possible, I can't ignore her calls because I want Joe to have contact with her and her family (for now) but I feel I'm being harassed. If I don't answer, because I'm not in, she phones every half hour, on the dot. No point screening calls as I know what's coming!
Is there something I've missed? what would you do? how would you deal with someone like this? or - how do i deal with myself so it doesn't affect me as much?
I've had this legally for almost a year, although he's lived with us for almost two years.
His other aunt seems to think theres a big problem, unfortunately she doesnt see fit to tell me what this problem is.
Apparently Joe was upset last weekend when he was due to come home from her house after an overnight stay.
She only decided to tell me this on Thursday, he came home Sunday evening.
I know this is one sided in my favour, but this aunt is very manipulative, she tells him that his mum wanted him to live with her before she died, that his gran is old and he should go see her before she dies, and any chance she can she rips his dad.
She's decided to threaten me with a solicitors letter. This is the second time she's threatened it, the first time nothing happened, I didn't get a letter.
I have no idea what this letter is supposedly about, but apparently this time it's for real.
I'm not too worried, I have parental responsibility and residence, granted by a court and not without checks and assessments.
I am worried that she still wont tell me what upset my nephew so much. Of course I know now because I asked him, I told him his other aunt had said he was upset and that i was concerned, nothing else. He spilled the whole lot about feeling like he was pulled in two, that he feels he has to go see his gran, that he should live with her cos its what his mum wanted.
I'm so tempted to tell him how that woman wouldn't even ring social services to tell them he was being neglected and needed support, while at the same time I was risking my familt to protect him!
And how she told me she would go to court for residence (custody) but that it would cost her too much (how much does she think it cost me?)
Obviouslt I wont tell him this, he doesn't need it and it would do no one any good. I would like im to have a good relationship with her, she is after all his mothers sister, but I really wonder if she is what he needs right now.
I can't have a conversation with her, she screeches down the phone that I wont allow this and wont allow that, she even said the other day that I wont allow Joe to go to her place in Spain with her family, I have never been asked! I don't think I would stand in his way of a free Spanish holiday really.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here to be honest, I feel a little stressed, but I know she has no automatic rights where Joe is concerned, although I've never (yet) pulled rank.
I haven't even recieved the promised letter, so really I have nothing to worry about.
She just seems hellbent on causing us as much stress as possible, I can't ignore her calls because I want Joe to have contact with her and her family (for now) but I feel I'm being harassed. If I don't answer, because I'm not in, she phones every half hour, on the dot. No point screening calls as I know what's coming!
Is there something I've missed? what would you do? how would you deal with someone like this? or - how do i deal with myself so it doesn't affect me as much?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Does this "other aunt" have any legal rights to the boy? If not, then you could always tell her to mind her own business. If she does have legal rights, then...she's not the only one who can see a solicitor. You can see one, too and find out what your options are regarding her constant interference.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
She has no legal rights, and I know mine already. I know I hold all the cards, but my nephew does want to see her sometimes, that's the only reason I'm civil with her and the only reason he goes to stay with her sometimes. She lives too far away for short visits.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
So, basically, you only allow him to see her because he wants to? Is that right? That's a tough nut. Hopefully, someone else will have some useful advice. Me...I'm more of a put a boot in her backside kinda gal. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by suki44883 
So, basically, you only allow him to see her because he wants to? Is that right? That's a tough nut. Hopefully, someone else will have some useful advice. Me...I'm more of a put a boot in her backside kinda gal.
Ha ha, I may do that yet suki.
She basically wants him at her house every weekend, no way, he's almost 13, he has a life of his own to catch up on and I'm determined that the rest of his childhood will be as normal as possible.
Which to me means football after school and on weekends if he wants to, seeing friends and doing his own teenage thing. He'll see her when he can fit it in not when she says.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Well, I was going to suggest that, but I wasn't sure of his age. Yes, at 13, he should have activities of his own. She needs to take a step or two back and keep her nose in her own business. Next time she says she wants him with her every weekend, I'd tell her to wish in one hand a take a crap in the other and see which one gets filled.
Ooops...there I go again.
Ooops...there I go again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by suki44883
Well, I was going to suggest that, but I wasn't sure of his age. Yes, at 13, he should have activities of his own. She needs to take a step or two back and keep her nose in her own business. Next time she says she wants him with her every weekend, I'd tell her to wish in one hand a take a crap in the other and see which one gets filled.
Ooops...there I go again.
Ooops...there I go again.
The thanks button isn't enough sometimes.It really isn't me is it? I'm second guessing everything right now and feeling like I'm doing all this wrong.
It's so easy in some ways loving and caring for Joe, but then something (her) jumps up and reminds me that he isn't my child, and it's sooo much more difficult bringing up someone elses son.
Then I think, well, would I let my kids stay with her for a weekend, and the answer is a definate NO
I worked my answer out, she can whistle!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
She's laying a huge guilt trip on Joe. He's being manipulated. He feels torn and the only reason is because she keeps filling his head with a bunch of guilt! She should be horse whipped!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by anvilhead
what does JOE think about all this? does he even like this aunt? does he even wanna go to her house? she doesn't sound very nice at all, i'm just wondering if that is how Joe sees her, or if he feels obligated or the like............
Joe's emotionally blackmailed by her constantly.
He want's to go occasionally, but not every weekend, he tells me when he wants to go. I get the flack because I'm the one who says yes or no to her.
An example of how she treats him is this mothers day, last week. She gave him £10 to get some flowers for him mums grave. I know him well enough never to have done that, special occasions are a big no no for Joe at the cemetery, he goes when he feels like it, but never days where he feels 'different' like mothers day and fathers day. He didn't go, but now feels bad because she gave him the money and he bought flowers but didnt take them to his mum.
I wish she'd leave the kid alone. I know she loves him in her way, but the last thing he needs is her pressure and enotional abuse.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Yeah, you need to get it straight with her that the every weekend thing is not going to happen. You shouldn't have to let her know every week whether or not Joe is coming. That just makes you seem like the bad guy in her mind. Not that anyone should care about that. LOL
If you and Joe are okay with the occasional visit to her place, then I don't see where there's really a problem. SHE might have a problem, but then, who cares, right?
If you and Joe are okay with the occasional visit to her place, then I don't see where there's really a problem. SHE might have a problem, but then, who cares, right?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Maybe it's time for Joe to have his own counselor, if he doesn't already.
It seems to me that he is old enough to decide for himself who he spends time with, but being pulled in two different directions cannot be good for his emotional health.
A counselor could maybe help him be okay with doing what he wants and not falling for the guilt trips. And, it might let you off the hook a little, making it Joe's decisions rather than a battle between you and her. It's obvious that you have Joe's best interests at heart. Maybe it's time to let a third party help.
L
It seems to me that he is old enough to decide for himself who he spends time with, but being pulled in two different directions cannot be good for his emotional health.
A counselor could maybe help him be okay with doing what he wants and not falling for the guilt trips. And, it might let you off the hook a little, making it Joe's decisions rather than a battle between you and her. It's obvious that you have Joe's best interests at heart. Maybe it's time to let a third party help.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Counselor for Joe and supervised visitation once a month with auntie. Auntie can't manipulate if you are there.
Auntie can come to your house if she wants to visit or all of you can meet at the zoo or gran's house.
Overnights stop right now.
That's how I'd handle it.
Auntie can come to your house if she wants to visit or all of you can meet at the zoo or gran's house.
Overnights stop right now.
That's how I'd handle it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I dont like the flowers and mom's grave thing.
My mom and me got the same guilt trip from one of my uncles. They try to make us feel guilty because we don't make a point on going to "visit" grandmom at her grave. I don't even recall when she died, or when her bday was.
For us only her body is there, her soul is with us all the time. But they can't understand others may have other ideas about life and death and expressing love.
I dont like this aunt, like highlighting he is "different". I love the idea of meeting at a neutral place...
My mom and me got the same guilt trip from one of my uncles. They try to make us feel guilty because we don't make a point on going to "visit" grandmom at her grave. I don't even recall when she died, or when her bday was.
For us only her body is there, her soul is with us all the time. But they can't understand others may have other ideas about life and death and expressing love.
I dont like this aunt, like highlighting he is "different". I love the idea of meeting at a neutral place...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I get Suki's rage when I see kids being guilt-tripped by dysfunctional adults. Obviously she needs to get a clue.
But for now, I like LTD's idea of a counselor for Joe to help him develop a plan for dealing with this sort of adult. She is obviously willing to harm him in the name of her little power trip, and together, you and Joe and a counselor, might be able to devise a way to return Joe's power to him.
Some other thoughts that immediately came to mind, Lucy:
1) Sitting down and explaining to Joe that the last thing you want to do is pull him in two. Ask him if there's anything YOU can do differently to make him not feel that way. That makes you the good guy all around.
2) Keep a log of the requests for visitation from his aunt, with date, Joe's response, and aunt's response (verbatim). This will come in handy if the dreaded "letter" ever comes. Which it probably won't.
3) Write a letter to the aunt explaining your position and discussing what you're doing to ensure that Joe is doing what he feels is best for himself. CC YOUR solicitor.
This is a sticky situation but I'd encourage you to do whatever possible to make Joe feel like you are still the safest haven for his thoughts and feelings. I'm proud of him for being honest with you.
But for now, I like LTD's idea of a counselor for Joe to help him develop a plan for dealing with this sort of adult. She is obviously willing to harm him in the name of her little power trip, and together, you and Joe and a counselor, might be able to devise a way to return Joe's power to him.
Some other thoughts that immediately came to mind, Lucy:
1) Sitting down and explaining to Joe that the last thing you want to do is pull him in two. Ask him if there's anything YOU can do differently to make him not feel that way. That makes you the good guy all around.
2) Keep a log of the requests for visitation from his aunt, with date, Joe's response, and aunt's response (verbatim). This will come in handy if the dreaded "letter" ever comes. Which it probably won't.
3) Write a letter to the aunt explaining your position and discussing what you're doing to ensure that Joe is doing what he feels is best for himself. CC YOUR solicitor.
This is a sticky situation but I'd encourage you to do whatever possible to make Joe feel like you are still the safest haven for his thoughts and feelings. I'm proud of him for being honest with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Some other thoughts that immediately came to mind, Lucy:
1) Sitting down and explaining to Joe that the last thing you want to do is pull him in two. Ask him if there's anything YOU can do differently to make him not feel that way. That makes you the good guy all around.
2) Keep a log of the requests for visitation from his aunt, with date, Joe's response, and aunt's response (verbatim). This will come in handy if the dreaded "letter" ever comes. Which it probably won't.
3) Write a letter to the aunt explaining your position and discussing what you're doing to ensure that Joe is doing what he feels is best for himself. CC YOUR solicitor.
This is a sticky situation but I'd encourage you to do whatever possible to make Joe feel like you are still the safest haven for his thoughts and feelings. I'm proud of him for being honest with you.
I've done all three of those things GiveLove, the letter I sent her was sent to my solicitor by her when she recieved it. Minus the last page but with a raving note saying she'd only recieved two pages of a three page letter. I didn't number them so I really don't know how she knew there were only three!
It was also sent to a solicitor who doesn't deal with family law, he is dealing with my brothers estate (which I think is the root of her problem with me)
The difficult part of this for Joe and myself is the counselling. Joe went for counselling when his mum died and hated every minute. The kids are slotted in at set times on set days in a dingy unfriendly building. Joe said it didn't help him at all, just made him feel different again.
I've asked him to give it another go but up to now he's not interested, and it wont hepl him if he's under pressure to go. I've asked him to speak to the pastoral care team at school though, if he feels he can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Well, the letter came this morning.
If I don't volountarily arrange for Joe to go live with her she'll take me to court for residence basically.
Given Joes age his views would be taken into consideration, in court of course.
More stress and trauma for him.
I can't believe she's doing this.
I have an appointment with my solicitor in just over a weeks time. Time for me to get all my records together.
If I don't volountarily arrange for Joe to go live with her she'll take me to court for residence basically.
Given Joes age his views would be taken into consideration, in court of course.
More stress and trauma for him.
I can't believe she's doing this.
I have an appointment with my solicitor in just over a weeks time. Time for me to get all my records together.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
wow, I'm sorry it has come to this Lucy.
yes, get your ducks in a row, but keep in mind that a solicitor's LETTER is an easy and cheap thing to arrange and carries no weight, a court case for residence is difficult, lengthy and costly (as obviously you know). She clearly does love Joe, although disfunction abounds, but does she have the staying power for that?
Your solicitor will advise you properly, and if it ends up going that far, it will be more drama for Joe, which he sorely doesn't need, but the onus will be all on her, social services/CAFCASS/judges don't appear to like to change the status quo unless there is a pressing need to.
(())
yes, get your ducks in a row, but keep in mind that a solicitor's LETTER is an easy and cheap thing to arrange and carries no weight, a court case for residence is difficult, lengthy and costly (as obviously you know). She clearly does love Joe, although disfunction abounds, but does she have the staying power for that?
Your solicitor will advise you properly, and if it ends up going that far, it will be more drama for Joe, which he sorely doesn't need, but the onus will be all on her, social services/CAFCASS/judges don't appear to like to change the status quo unless there is a pressing need to.
(())
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by LucyA
Well, the letter came this morning.
If I don't volountarily arrange for Joe to go live with her she'll take me to court for residence basically.
Given Joes age his views would be taken into consideration, in court of course.
More stress and trauma for him.
I can't believe she's doing this.
I have an appointment with my solicitor in just over a weeks time. Time for me to get all my records together.
If I don't volountarily arrange for Joe to go live with her she'll take me to court for residence basically.
Given Joes age his views would be taken into consideration, in court of course.
More stress and trauma for him.
I can't believe she's doing this.
I have an appointment with my solicitor in just over a weeks time. Time for me to get all my records together.
Worrying is what I do......well, actually I'm much better now than I was before recovery.
Any way, I expressed my concern to the DA and my lawyer, they both assured me that after a year, no judge would turn a kids life upside down unless they were being beaten/abused in some way.
She is nuts and pissing into the wind. JMHO!
I wonder what her REAL motivation is?
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Originally Posted by LucyA
Well, the letter came this morning.
If I don't volountarily arrange for Joe to go live with her she'll take me to court for residence basically.
Given Joes age his views would be taken into consideration, in court of course.
More stress and trauma for him.
I can't believe she's doing this.
I have an appointment with my solicitor in just over a weeks time. Time for me to get all my records together.
If I don't volountarily arrange for Joe to go live with her she'll take me to court for residence basically.
Given Joes age his views would be taken into consideration, in court of course.
More stress and trauma for him.
I can't believe she's doing this.
I have an appointment with my solicitor in just over a weeks time. Time for me to get all my records together.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I personally don't think he's OLD ENOUGH to choose what he wants 0-
because he's only saying that to make the pressure go away
that she's putting on.
That's not choosing.
That's just being 'herded'.
Yup.
If YOU are the one with custody -
this is exactly the kind of thing that YOU were awarded
the custody
to protect him from.
Even if you do frame a question....
Joe doesn't even understand that the only reason he
'wants' to go is just to make the badgering stop.
It's tickin' me off as well.
Too bad you can't teach him how to vaseline her toilet seats while he's there.
ok.
so I'm not terribly... talented... at DE-escalating, either.
Thing is -
none of this
is teaching this boy what love .... IS.
It's not LOVE... at all.
It's control, competition, blackmail, extortion.... but not love.
because he's only saying that to make the pressure go away
that she's putting on.
That's not choosing.
That's just being 'herded'.
Yup.
If YOU are the one with custody -
this is exactly the kind of thing that YOU were awarded
the custody
to protect him from.
Even if you do frame a question....
Joe doesn't even understand that the only reason he
'wants' to go is just to make the badgering stop.
It's tickin' me off as well.
Too bad you can't teach him how to vaseline her toilet seats while he's there.
ok.
so I'm not terribly... talented... at DE-escalating, either.
Thing is -
none of this
is teaching this boy what love .... IS.
It's not LOVE... at all.
It's control, competition, blackmail, extortion.... but not love.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
