I can see myself slipping into old patterns...
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Join Date: May 2009
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I can see myself slipping into old patterns...
I'm having another pity party... AHHH! Sorry if end up rambling a bit (or a lot).
Living with AH just sucks!!! We had a very, very brief conversation this morning (I had to leave for work). AH said that he NEEDS sex, he NEEDS physical closeness, he's about to burst and I thought hey this might be a good time to try to make him understand my viewpoint. Told him I wasn't punishing him in any way (by not having sex), I just can't have sex with him after all that has happened, that I've been building a wall around myself and I just can't let him in and go back to the point we were - that there would have to be a change first. Told him that my needs (having someone I can have a conversation with, be emotionally intimate with, do things with) are just as strong as his sexual needs. He said that even if he'd change I wouldn't have sex with him right now and he would have to wait 1 or 2 months. I told him that 1) it takes time to heal and to repair what has been damaged 2) if he only changes to get some booty from me, then that's the wrong reason - I don't want him to pretend to be someone else just so that he gets some sex. Then I had to leave because I was already late.
Fast forward to 12am (hadn't seen him all day and he didn't even bother texting me to let me know he wasn't coming home straight from work - he works late but not that late), I hear him at the front door with two female coworkers (they asked AH if they should come in - no - and then I think started gossiping about me while AH walked into our apt.). He came in, changed clothes and said (through the closed bedroom door because I refused to open) that he was going out with these 2 female coworkers.
REALLY??? I guess he just doesn't give a sh*t at all! Nothing new, but I started breaking down crying (just like the good old time) - jealous, angry, mad - he gets to have fun, hang out with a ton of people all the time, live a carefree life (not really but it seems like that), while I'm completely isolating myself, hurt and angry, crying myself to sleep more nights than I care to!
I ended up texting AH because I had to let my feelings out. Asked why he's making it hard on both of us if he knows that marriage and me isn't what he wants. He didn't understand! So I told him that while he might say he loves me and that he would do anything to save this marriage, his action show the opposite. His actions show that all he cares about is hanging out with other people, drinking, and playing video games... that his friends/ coworkers know him/ his life better than I do because AH and I pretty much never spent time together or have a real conversation - we are living two different lives. So I asked him why not be honest about what he really wants so that I can stop waiting and hoping?
While I have been detaching from AH as much as possible, I realized tonight that I was slipping back into old behaviors. I've gone back to isolating myselfand have been hiding in my bedroom more and more. I don't have many friends/ acquaintances (can count them on one hand) to begin with and the few that I have I don't see as much as I should!
I can "hear" anvilhead telling me that vents are ok as long as we don't get stuck in them and that it's time for some action! and Jadmack and Barb reminding me life isn't always a fairy tale - that I got what I was meant to have in the end (because of the path I took) and that future decisions will lead me down a different (hopefully healthier) path!
Alright, so I guess it's time to pull myself out of this AGAIN! I just posted under the treasure mapping post that I need to start getting out more/ make or meet friends! I think that is the main reason I am so angry here... the fact that AH is having fun, meeting people and living his life while I tend to get stuck and hit my bottom over and over again!
Wow, this was a long, complaining post - if you're still reading - thanks for being there!
Living with AH just sucks!!! We had a very, very brief conversation this morning (I had to leave for work). AH said that he NEEDS sex, he NEEDS physical closeness, he's about to burst and I thought hey this might be a good time to try to make him understand my viewpoint. Told him I wasn't punishing him in any way (by not having sex), I just can't have sex with him after all that has happened, that I've been building a wall around myself and I just can't let him in and go back to the point we were - that there would have to be a change first. Told him that my needs (having someone I can have a conversation with, be emotionally intimate with, do things with) are just as strong as his sexual needs. He said that even if he'd change I wouldn't have sex with him right now and he would have to wait 1 or 2 months. I told him that 1) it takes time to heal and to repair what has been damaged 2) if he only changes to get some booty from me, then that's the wrong reason - I don't want him to pretend to be someone else just so that he gets some sex. Then I had to leave because I was already late.
Fast forward to 12am (hadn't seen him all day and he didn't even bother texting me to let me know he wasn't coming home straight from work - he works late but not that late), I hear him at the front door with two female coworkers (they asked AH if they should come in - no - and then I think started gossiping about me while AH walked into our apt.). He came in, changed clothes and said (through the closed bedroom door because I refused to open) that he was going out with these 2 female coworkers.
REALLY??? I guess he just doesn't give a sh*t at all! Nothing new, but I started breaking down crying (just like the good old time) - jealous, angry, mad - he gets to have fun, hang out with a ton of people all the time, live a carefree life (not really but it seems like that), while I'm completely isolating myself, hurt and angry, crying myself to sleep more nights than I care to!
I ended up texting AH because I had to let my feelings out. Asked why he's making it hard on both of us if he knows that marriage and me isn't what he wants. He didn't understand! So I told him that while he might say he loves me and that he would do anything to save this marriage, his action show the opposite. His actions show that all he cares about is hanging out with other people, drinking, and playing video games... that his friends/ coworkers know him/ his life better than I do because AH and I pretty much never spent time together or have a real conversation - we are living two different lives. So I asked him why not be honest about what he really wants so that I can stop waiting and hoping?
While I have been detaching from AH as much as possible, I realized tonight that I was slipping back into old behaviors. I've gone back to isolating myselfand have been hiding in my bedroom more and more. I don't have many friends/ acquaintances (can count them on one hand) to begin with and the few that I have I don't see as much as I should!
I can "hear" anvilhead telling me that vents are ok as long as we don't get stuck in them and that it's time for some action! and Jadmack and Barb reminding me life isn't always a fairy tale - that I got what I was meant to have in the end (because of the path I took) and that future decisions will lead me down a different (hopefully healthier) path!
Alright, so I guess it's time to pull myself out of this AGAIN! I just posted under the treasure mapping post that I need to start getting out more/ make or meet friends! I think that is the main reason I am so angry here... the fact that AH is having fun, meeting people and living his life while I tend to get stuck and hit my bottom over and over again!
Wow, this was a long, complaining post - if you're still reading - thanks for being there!
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Join Date: May 2009
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Oh and another reason this is bothering me so much is that I'm feeling rejected/abandoned by AH (even though he hasn't physically left yet)! So my good old rejection/ abandonment issues are coming out to play - now how do I work through those?!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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Originally Posted by Lotus2009 
Oh and another reason this is bothering me so much is that I'm feeling rejected/abandoned by AH (even though he hasn't physically left yet)! So my good old rejection/ abandonment issues are coming out to play - now how do I work through those?!
I didn't start drinking again, but was feeling completely unlovable and not worthy of respect. So, I actually found myself begging him, yes, begging him not to cheat on me.
One day, soon after that, one of my co workers took me outside for some coffee and a smoke. He said, "D, why do you put up with that guy's disrespect?"
I started to protest, but he shook his head and said, "Nope, this idiot is making you miserable, and he makes sure it is seen in the club (NCO club) doesnt even have the decency to take it off base."
I said, "yeah, i know."
then he said, "you could send him home. (back to the states)"
immediately i am thinkin oh no, he will cheat on me.
it must have showed on my face, cause my friend said,
"you wouldnt have to see it, and he wouldnt be rubbing your face in it."
damn, all i had to do was go to my commander, and they had him flying home within ten days.
seems that adultery is not in keeping with the good order of the Army. It could affect my performance as a soldier. bwahahahahaha
i had a great time the rest of my tour. i was sober and could enjoy germany with my daughter. it was fantastic and gave me time to consider what i wanted from a marriage, and dude, this wasn't it.
Lotus, I guess the point of my story is, my fear of abandonment allowed him to walk all over me and shame me in front of all the people I worked with and respected.
Anyone who tries to control me with " i will leave you or cheat on you if you don't do.....whatever" will feel my size 10 boot in his ass.
Using my childhood fears, that I had confided to him as my partner, my husband to abuse me emotionally is despicable. Immoral, disgusting.
where is the love in that?
the trust?
the respect?
the honor?
and most importantly to me....loyalty.
No, no more disrespect for me. I deserve the very best of everything.
Yeah, and so do you.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Oh, I can so empathise with how you're feeling. Fear of abandonment was so strong with me. I've (very) slowly learned that I can't be abandoned if I don't want to be - I will always be here for me. Its hard when you're struggling with depression. It took me forever to 'get' it. But when I did, XAH's long online chats with other women that went into the wee small hours just didn't bother me any more. I learned to rely on me. To detach from him. I'm not perfect at it, I wobble sometimes, but no longer living with XAH makes my life much less complicated and chaotic.
You are worth so much more, you deserve better. Honest. Be kind to yourself sweetie - sometimes a good long wallow in self pity can help get it out of your system. Just remember to climb out of the pit when you're done!
You are worth so much more, you deserve better. Honest. Be kind to yourself sweetie - sometimes a good long wallow in self pity can help get it out of your system. Just remember to climb out of the pit when you're done!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Gah! This post was super triggery for me, because it reminds me of the months before AH had his affair. I am worried for you, that you're being set up to go through the same type of hell I went through. It looks like he is already setting up his excuse (you won't have sex with him) and setting the stage for something to happen (going out with female coworkers). Take this for what it's worth, I'm someone who is traumatized by my AH's affair, but these are the exact circumstances that led to it. Oh, that and this:
If I could go back in time, I would have insisted on boundaries to protect the marriage, OR I would have just filed for divorce then.
Originally Posted by wicked
I guess the point of my story is, my fear of abandonment allowed him to walk all over me and shame me in front of all the people I worked with and respected.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
Wow, I feel like I'm reading my story. My alcoholic ex did the same things to try to keep me in a sexual relationship when the relationship was clearly ending.
I go to several Al Anon groups in the city but there is one that has a motto...where the women like to say that they are striving to become women of dignity and grace. At first I thought this was a little silly, but what I understand it to mean is that the first thing we have to do is protect ourselves so that we can truly be the people we want to be. "Let go or be dragged" as they say.
No one should put us in a position of acting in a way that makes us feel, well, dragged. We can maintain our dignity and self respect. We have to do that. Distance and detachment is the only way to do this. Drawing a line in the sand.
I wish I had done that sooner. My boyfriend mistreated me but my abandonment fears kept me in it a bit longer. An intervention from his sponsor is what finally ended it (I believe his sponsor told him he was hurting me with his behavior). Sometimes I miss him and sometimes the abandonment issues get triggered, but I'm so grateful to his sponsor (whoever he is) for doing this...
I go to several Al Anon groups in the city but there is one that has a motto...where the women like to say that they are striving to become women of dignity and grace. At first I thought this was a little silly, but what I understand it to mean is that the first thing we have to do is protect ourselves so that we can truly be the people we want to be. "Let go or be dragged" as they say.
No one should put us in a position of acting in a way that makes us feel, well, dragged. We can maintain our dignity and self respect. We have to do that. Distance and detachment is the only way to do this. Drawing a line in the sand.
I wish I had done that sooner. My boyfriend mistreated me but my abandonment fears kept me in it a bit longer. An intervention from his sponsor is what finally ended it (I believe his sponsor told him he was hurting me with his behavior). Sometimes I miss him and sometimes the abandonment issues get triggered, but I'm so grateful to his sponsor (whoever he is) for doing this...
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I'm so sorry Lotus. I can totally relate and my story is the same.
This is true of my situation as well. I was ready to leave AH when he started his affair and he didn't push my abandonment buttons, he kicked them in laughing. He was cruel, coming home and telling me what a piece of crap I was and how he was divorcing me.
The important question is how are you going to stop this escalating situation? What concrete steps can you take to make yourself feel better and fast?
(((((Lotus)))))
My boyfriend mistreated me but my abandonment fears kept me in it a bit longer.
The important question is how are you going to stop this escalating situation? What concrete steps can you take to make yourself feel better and fast?
(((((Lotus)))))
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hon if you're loking for judgement you're not gonna get it here.
i had to marry FOUR of them before I 'got it'.
FOUR!!!!!
hell you're still on your first one.
it takes practice
it takes discipline
and that's hard
when the other person
is equally determined
to see you fail.
SO we buck up
we grab the kleenex
and we do the next right thing.
*hugs*
i had to marry FOUR of them before I 'got it'.
FOUR!!!!!
hell you're still on your first one.
it takes practice
it takes discipline
and that's hard
when the other person
is equally determined
to see you fail.
SO we buck up
we grab the kleenex
and we do the next right thing.
*hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Thanks you all for your respnses! And for understanding where I'm coming from!
I'm so angry right now! I picked a fight to get AH out of the bedroom - or did he initiate it and I reacted - who knows anymore! I can't believe all the mean things he throws at me and then tells me that he can't believe I'm so insane, yelling at him and how I can't have a normal conversation (EXCUSE ME??? Seriously? - he calls me one name after another, undermines my intelligence, and tells me I'm no good in bed, and then wonders why I'm yelling at him. OK.... DEEP BREATH!!!!
I know I need to leave - but there's a lot at stake (not just finances and emotions - I don't want to get into details on here)! On the positive side - I went out today - met with a good friend of mine and was able to make it through the day without spending too much time thinking (about AH).
Wicked -
where is the love in that?
the trust?
the respect?
the honor?
and most importantly to me....loyalty.
WOW - you are so right! It's def. not here anymore!
Bookwyrm -
Thanks for touching on the abandonment issue. I've briefly addressed my issue with my counselor the last time I saw her and was able to identify where it stems from and why it continues to be an issue for me! "I can't be abandoned if I don't want to be - I will always be here for me." YES - thanks for sharing that! I know this is so true - now I only need to really "get" it!
Suki -
"I have to ask why you continue to stay with this man." I've got plenty of responses, but in the end they are all just excuses (just like all the excuses AH uses as to why he needs to drink)!
Anvilhead -
I know, I know!!!! It's time to jump off the sinking ship and I'm really, really close to jumping - I swear! I love all your metaphors/ seemingly unrelated stories (or whatever you want to call it) - they are always dead on!! OH and I love the PICTURE - now that is who I want to be - strong and independent and not taking sh*t from anyone - I wanna use this pic for my treasure mapping collage (I know it's not april yet, wanting, but this has got to be in it).
Wanting -
Thanks for your concern. As sad as it is, at this point AH cheating wouldn't really surprise me - I know he's trying to (just hasn't found the right/ trashy girl that would go for it, as far as I know of).
AND he will not talk me into having sex with him just to keep him by my side. This is a major trigger for me as well - He's told me in the past that it would be my fault if he cheats because I'm not having sex with me - uh ha, yeah right!!! - keep on blaming others!!!
Alanonicnov -
" We can maintain our dignity and self respect. We have to do that. Distance and detachment is the only way to do this. Drawing a line in the sand." Starting to draw the line - it's not as complete as it should be yet, but I'm starting! Now, where can I find that sponsor that talked some sense into your X?
Sorry for being so angry, bitter, resentful the past two days
!
I'm so angry right now! I picked a fight to get AH out of the bedroom - or did he initiate it and I reacted - who knows anymore! I can't believe all the mean things he throws at me and then tells me that he can't believe I'm so insane, yelling at him and how I can't have a normal conversation (EXCUSE ME??? Seriously? - he calls me one name after another, undermines my intelligence, and tells me I'm no good in bed, and then wonders why I'm yelling at him. OK.... DEEP BREATH!!!!
I know I need to leave - but there's a lot at stake (not just finances and emotions - I don't want to get into details on here)! On the positive side - I went out today - met with a good friend of mine and was able to make it through the day without spending too much time thinking (about AH).
Wicked -
where is the love in that?
the trust?
the respect?
the honor?
and most importantly to me....loyalty.
WOW - you are so right! It's def. not here anymore!
Bookwyrm -
Thanks for touching on the abandonment issue. I've briefly addressed my issue with my counselor the last time I saw her and was able to identify where it stems from and why it continues to be an issue for me! "I can't be abandoned if I don't want to be - I will always be here for me." YES - thanks for sharing that! I know this is so true - now I only need to really "get" it!
Suki -
"I have to ask why you continue to stay with this man." I've got plenty of responses, but in the end they are all just excuses (just like all the excuses AH uses as to why he needs to drink)!
Anvilhead -
I know, I know!!!! It's time to jump off the sinking ship and I'm really, really close to jumping - I swear! I love all your metaphors/ seemingly unrelated stories (or whatever you want to call it) - they are always dead on!! OH and I love the PICTURE - now that is who I want to be - strong and independent and not taking sh*t from anyone - I wanna use this pic for my treasure mapping collage (I know it's not april yet, wanting, but this has got to be in it).
Wanting -
Thanks for your concern. As sad as it is, at this point AH cheating wouldn't really surprise me - I know he's trying to (just hasn't found the right/ trashy girl that would go for it, as far as I know of).
AND he will not talk me into having sex with him just to keep him by my side. This is a major trigger for me as well - He's told me in the past that it would be my fault if he cheats because I'm not having sex with me - uh ha, yeah right!!! - keep on blaming others!!!
Alanonicnov -
" We can maintain our dignity and self respect. We have to do that. Distance and detachment is the only way to do this. Drawing a line in the sand." Starting to draw the line - it's not as complete as it should be yet, but I'm starting! Now, where can I find that sponsor that talked some sense into your X
?Sorry for being so angry, bitter, resentful the past two days
!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
Starting to draw the line - it's not as complete as it should be yet, but I'm starting! Now, where can I find that sponsor that talked some sense into your X
For me, from my sponsor, it was about my obsession over my ex. I did not want to see it. But I was definitely obsessed. That's where I'm working now, because every minute I'm thinking about him is one minute I'm not living my life.
Looking forward to the day when his name doesn't even pop into my head.
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