Lotus2009

can anyone shed some light on that phrase when this is used as an answer?

My AH uses "if you want" and "it's up to you" a LOT! I just now asked him if he wanted to go to his parents tomorrow (I had just thought about it and decided that I'd like to go to their house whether he'd want to go or not so I thought I'd ask him if he would like that aswell) - his answer "it's up to you, babe" when I told him that that wasn't what I asked his second answer was "if YOU want to". Again - not what I asked - I wanted to know what HE wants regardless of what I want to do! And I get that answer a lot.

So, what's happening here? Is it me just using the wrong words to ask the question? Is he avoiding the question? Does he truly not know what he wants/ is indifferent about everything? Is he saying it just to please me?

BTW, I did good - I tried to explain once that it wasn't what I was asking and then after his second "unsatisfactory" response, I just said "ok, it's what I'd like to do" and walked away instead of insisting he'd give me a "real" answer (which I know from past experiences would have ended up in a stupid arguement).

Ceres

I dunno,

Maybe look him square in the eyes and say slowly "I need to know if you want to go to your parents house?

Lotus2009

lol ... Alzerin ... I'll try that!

I just realized I'm trying to analyze HIM again ... argh!
I guess noone but him can answer why he's doing what he's doing (and not even he understands why he's doing what he's doing most of the time - he'd rather drink than to think about himself)! I might ask him when he's in a talkative/ reflective mood (which is rare)!

ok... hit the delete button on my original post!

laurie6781

I can't tell you why he is doing this, but I can tell you why I did it all those years I was out there as a practicing alcoholic.

I would put the decision back on "you." Why, because that way when whatever 'it' was, was not to my liking, it was all YOUR fault.

Did I know I was doing it? Nope, not until I had been sober for a bit and was WORKING ON ME. It was just another mechanism for me to stay in 'denial' and be able to blame 'everyone' else for my 'chitty' life.

BTW over the years of my recovery I have seen many practicing alkies do this, and some that are in early recovery also.

Hope that helps a bit so you can do 'what you want' whether he makes a decision or not, it won't be your fault.

Love and hugs,

bookwyrm

I agree with Laurie here. My XAH would use these phrases A LOT as part of his passive aggressiveness. If anything went wrong, then it was all my fault. He kept me second guessing myself. At one point he told me that he shouldn't have to tell me what he thinks and feels, I should be able to work it out if I was paying him enough attention!! Crazy making...

Jadmack25

Seems there are many members of the

So should we dress for the occassion?


God bless

Lotus2009

Laurie - thanks for shedding some light on it. What you're saying makes a lot of sense!

Bookwyrm - passive aggressiveness... hm... YES!

Jadmack - LOL ... I love your picture posts!!!

transformyself

He's passive aggressive and this keeps your decision making in his bag of tricks so he can blame you later. This is crazy making stuff at it's worst IMHO

Get Your ANGRIES Out

GiveLove

Why is it important to go past the "if you want" and into the psychoanalysis ? I ask that in innocence. I mean, sometimes, in our relationship, one or the other of us feels neutral about doing something, or going somewhere. I'm sometimes the one saying "if you want" or "sounds fine" in those situations, and I'm not an addict nor am I passive aggressive. I'm just tired of thinking and want someone else to come up with the ideas. Or I just don't care one way or the other.

If someone were to grill me on that, I think it would bug the living bejeezus out of me.

If my partner really wants to ensure that I'm thinking it through, and telling the emotional truth, he'll ask a more detailed question: "Would this stress you out?" or "Is it something where you honestly think you'll have a good time? It's okay to say no." or, if he fears it coming back to bite him later for any reason, "I just wanted to be sure, because the last time you seemed unhappy and it felt like you were blaming me...so I just want to be sure it's your choice."

DOES he have a choice? Can't you give him the option - come if you'll enjoy it, don't if you won't, no stress? Then drop it?

P.S. - Passive aggressive behavior is something we always have a choice to tune in or tune out. It nowadays takes an act of congress for me to even notice it.....someone literally has to tap me on the shoulder and say, "Did you hear that? She was trying to make you feel guilty!" (oh...) you can train yourself to tune it out. And if becomes too in-your-face, well, that's not the kind of disrespectful relationship I'm willing to stay in any more.

Lotus2009

Thanks GL... let's see

I know I like to analyze people/ situations a little too much - which is why I said in my second post: argh, I'm back to analyzing him again.
And I know I do use that phrase too from time to time or I say "sounds fine", etc. The difference here is that I can't seem to get a straight answer out of AH ever! It is ALWAYS "if you want", "it's up to you" or here and there a "maybe", plus there are never any ideas of what we can do coming from him, AND we hardly ever go anywhere together (maybe 2 times in the past 3 months -mainly because I now don't feel the need to drag him out if he doesn't want to anymore - I do my own thing).


This doesn't work either with AH - If I'd try that I would get an annoyed "I said OK" from him

He does have a choice... I'm not telling him he needs to go... I'm asking if he would like to go. But you're right. I should probably change my communication style to: I'm thinking of doing xy on that and that day, feel free to join me. I don't need to find out right then and there if this is something he wants to do. I guess I'm a little bit of a planner - I like to know in advance what we will do and if we will go somewhere together or not - but I've been working on not expecting him to go anywhere with me/ not planning him in (because that's how it plays out most of the time anyways).

Yep, definitely something I still need to work on

Lotus2009

Thanks for the link!! Wow - it's scary how dead on this description is!
Really interesting too how the woman's needs play into it (not really sure how my childhood played a role in this - I grew up as a child of a single mother who was always very, very open to me expressing myself, so there was no interaction between her and another man that I would be copying now in my own relationships. Hm... looks like I got something new to work on and look at!)

WOW!

wicked

When I read the title of this post,
I immediately thought of that movie "The Princess Bride"

Remember he always said to the girl no matter how bad she treated him,
like pushing him down a hill,

"As you wish"

I know this is probably no help. It meant that he loved her.
I understand that your husband just wants to avoid any decision, and it is like nailing jello to the wall. I have been there and it sucks mightily.
"oh, i cant say exactly when i'll be there (for the kids)"
Bah!

MeHandle

Mine does this too.

I viewed it a few ways depending on the situation:

passive, no leadership responsiblity: He doesn't have to make a decision or make up his mind. ( simple example, picking a dang place to go out to eat)

passive abandonment plan: if it has to do with going somewhere he doesn't have to commit to taking away what i might want to do cause he would end up not going cause he "doesn't feel good". In his eyes, not being selfish. ( 2 parties same day. but could only get to one)

truly didn't care either way, just being normal: example: who is going to go with the kids and who is going to stay home and clean?

aggressive unhealthy communication that should have been an inter- relational discussion of compromise or consideration of each others position ( lollol :-) : " what ever you want 'honey' (cause you will do what you want anyway.) " After trying the healthy way, got to the point where i would just say, "okay , thanks." ( things related to money a good example of this one)


yep, just a normal part of everyday life kind of comment with him. some would say it is more of a "male minded " kind of thing.

FindingPeace1

As a person that is codie/people pleaser that often doesn't know what I want and has a hard time making decisions...
who is married to a codie/people pleaser that often doesn't know what he wants and that has a hard time making decisions...
I think you two are this way, too.
He doesn't KNOW what he wants.
You don't either, I would guess. So it is easier to trip on him not choosing, then choose for yourself.
If he says it is how you like it, then do what YOU like. Let his reaction to that be his.

It has frustrated me, at times, that my husband is indecisive, but really, I am frustrated at the times when I want him to choose so I don't have to!