Is it ok to still feel trepidation when XAH calls?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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Is it ok to still feel trepidation when XAH calls?
XAH hasn't called me at work in months, not since I got the caller ID and refused to answer him (and since he never leaves messages, it works out well). Our interaction is limited to short 3 word texts prior to his visitation with DD, short polite conversations during the exchange, and that's it.
In the last 5 weeks, XAH hasn't taken DD for his midweek visit, stating various excuses such as "It's snowing too hard", "I have a new job and didn't change my schedule" or "You didn't ask me nice enough". Last week-end, he shortened his visit with DD so he could go bowling.
I was *feeling* him disengage from DD and from the conflict, which is why I felt a lot of trepidation when I saw his number appear on my caller ID at work today. I didn't answer. No message was left. No email or text was sent. So nothing happened. He might have just been calling to ask me for something...
But I STILL felt my heart pound and my breath catch in my throat and I HATE THAT! I want to be easy going and chill about any interaction with him, as I have been for a while now. It's so much easier and peaceful for me.
I wonder when I'll get to that "bend like a reed in the wind" state of mind when it comes to XAH...
In the last 5 weeks, XAH hasn't taken DD for his midweek visit, stating various excuses such as "It's snowing too hard", "I have a new job and didn't change my schedule" or "You didn't ask me nice enough". Last week-end, he shortened his visit with DD so he could go bowling.
I was *feeling* him disengage from DD and from the conflict, which is why I felt a lot of trepidation when I saw his number appear on my caller ID at work today. I didn't answer. No message was left. No email or text was sent. So nothing happened. He might have just been calling to ask me for something...
But I STILL felt my heart pound and my breath catch in my throat and I HATE THAT! I want to be easy going and chill about any interaction with him, as I have been for a while now. It's so much easier and peaceful for me.
I wonder when I'll get to that "bend like a reed in the wind" state of mind when it comes to XAH...
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
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Its ok to feel whateer you feel, your feelings are part of you and neer let someone tell you how to feel.
I think how long it lasts is different for everyone... I asked in a post this morning will it ever get easier, Ill let you know when I get a response.
My best friend said for her sadly, not yet...its been three years, her ex is remarried but her buttons and feelings are still pushed every other weekend.
Hang in there
I think how long it lasts is different for everyone... I asked in a post this morning will it ever get easier, Ill let you know when I get a response.
My best friend said for her sadly, not yet...its been three years, her ex is remarried but her buttons and feelings are still pushed every other weekend.
Hang in there
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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It may take some more time, noday. Time, patience, and tenderness for yourself.
I have a feeling that when your legal connections are all long-solved, when his patterns around DD stabilize, and when you have really mentally moved on with every aspect of your life (and he's just a pesky holdover) it will begin to get much easier. For now, you're still very much enmeshed, and when you see his number you equate it with doubt and suffering-to-come.
Be patient with yourself. Take deep breaths when you see his number. Maybe you need a mantra to repeat at those times? Something like, Just a man. He no longer has the power to hurt me.
Hugs,
GL
I have a feeling that when your legal connections are all long-solved, when his patterns around DD stabilize, and when you have really mentally moved on with every aspect of your life (and he's just a pesky holdover) it will begin to get much easier. For now, you're still very much enmeshed, and when you see his number you equate it with doubt and suffering-to-come.
Be patient with yourself. Take deep breaths when you see his number. Maybe you need a mantra to repeat at those times? Something like, Just a man. He no longer has the power to hurt me.
Hugs,
GL
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
I wonder when I'll get to that "bend like a reed in the wind" state of mind when it comes to XAH...
Cutting out contact as much as possible will help a lot. Can you eventually sever all ties completely? That is the way to go.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Thank you. You're all right, of course.
GiveLove, I agree with you. I will feel happier once I am granted divorce from his "man". I just translated the custody and divorce proceedings yesterday for my lawyer (whose English isn't great), and sent them off to her. Once they are finalized and I have signed them, XAH will be served. I think that more than anything, this is the source of my stress.
I know that having him served may very well cause an escalation of things between us, strictly regarding matters of child support. I am loath to upset the delicate balance we've struck--but hey, that's me, Ms. PeaceMaker. To be blunt, XAH is a narcissist and will not take it lightly that child support will be automatically deducted from his hard-earned paycheck by the Evil Quebec Government, whom he already loathes. He may try for 50/50 custody in order to escape paying me child support, even though he is obviously unprepared to care for a toddler. The only positive outcome I can imagine is that he would leave this province to return to his beloved Ontario with his son (though I seriously doubt this will happen considering the fact that he has a stable job for once in his life, that his son is enrolled in high school here and that he just met a new girlfriend who also has a child). The more established he becomes here, the more chances there are of him staying and fighting it out with me just for the sake of not paying child support.
In a sense, I feel as though serving him with proceedings will be like lobbing a grenade his way and ducking to protect myself from the blast. To be quite honest, I dread it.
GiveLove, I agree with you. I will feel happier once I am granted divorce from his "man". I just translated the custody and divorce proceedings yesterday for my lawyer (whose English isn't great), and sent them off to her. Once they are finalized and I have signed them, XAH will be served. I think that more than anything, this is the source of my stress.
I know that having him served may very well cause an escalation of things between us, strictly regarding matters of child support. I am loath to upset the delicate balance we've struck--but hey, that's me, Ms. PeaceMaker. To be blunt, XAH is a narcissist and will not take it lightly that child support will be automatically deducted from his hard-earned paycheck by the Evil Quebec Government, whom he already loathes. He may try for 50/50 custody in order to escape paying me child support, even though he is obviously unprepared to care for a toddler. The only positive outcome I can imagine is that he would leave this province to return to his beloved Ontario with his son (though I seriously doubt this will happen considering the fact that he has a stable job for once in his life, that his son is enrolled in high school here and that he just met a new girlfriend who also has a child). The more established he becomes here, the more chances there are of him staying and fighting it out with me just for the sake of not paying child support.
In a sense, I feel as though serving him with proceedings will be like lobbing a grenade his way and ducking to protect myself from the blast. To be quite honest, I dread it.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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I have the same problem, noday.
I do find it's easier when we have our communications via email or text.
Because then I have time to deal with his words before I have to respond.
I don't like to talk to him on the phone - I feel more vulnerable and exposed.
I think that if it were something important, he could leave a message, and you would be reasonable to take that approach.
eta: we posted at the same time.
I feel the same way - it's why we haven't had a hearing.
My H and his parents are grudgingly dealing with me right now.
If I ask for a hearing, things around here are going to become really ugly and it won't be good for my kids.
I do find it's easier when we have our communications via email or text.
Because then I have time to deal with his words before I have to respond.
I don't like to talk to him on the phone - I feel more vulnerable and exposed.
I think that if it were something important, he could leave a message, and you would be reasonable to take that approach.
eta: we posted at the same time.
I feel the same way - it's why we haven't had a hearing.
My H and his parents are grudgingly dealing with me right now.
If I ask for a hearing, things around here are going to become really ugly and it won't be good for my kids.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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stella...I think there's a small part of me, which is rapidly becoming larger, that is just *done* with arranging my life around his temper tantrums and according to my level of fear of them. This part of me motivates me to do things like hire a lawyer, write my sworn affidavit, and file for divorce (despite my dread) even though there is no option for me not to file for child support (well, there's a way to get out of having the government automatically seize the child support from one's paycheck...maybe there's room for negociation here). I just want this divorce DONE, OVER, FINI!
If I left it up to XAH, he would have us remain married but separated indefinitely, just because he's lazy and can't do anything for himself (also because he benefits financially from being married to me). Also, my daughter is only 19 months so I figure it's better to get this over with now rather than when she's more aware.
So as painful and frightening as this is going to be, I HAVE to do it, just like I'm having a large-ish size tattoo put over the one I got years ago with XAH's initials on it. The tattoo, like my marriage, is going to be very painful and somewhat--ok VERY, frightening, but at least I'll have a renewed sense of my ability to get through difficulty.
If I left it up to XAH, he would have us remain married but separated indefinitely, just because he's lazy and can't do anything for himself (also because he benefits financially from being married to me). Also, my daughter is only 19 months so I figure it's better to get this over with now rather than when she's more aware.
So as painful and frightening as this is going to be, I HAVE to do it, just like I'm having a large-ish size tattoo put over the one I got years ago with XAH's initials on it. The tattoo, like my marriage, is going to be very painful and somewhat--ok VERY, frightening, but at least I'll have a renewed sense of my ability to get through difficulty.
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Yes, unfortunately, we are going to have to go through the painful process.
My divorce is filed (he filed it) but since then I have asked for more $$ and he has had two mental breakdowns and one hospitalization and several documentable instances of unfit-ness. he is on supervised visits now, and he says he wants the divorce over with, but I doubt he wants to finalize it while his visits are supervised because then it will be public record that he can only see his kiddos with supervision and that will be a problem for his career and his reputation.
I need to push it on through, but I would rather just defend my position when he tries to push me to have the restrictions lifted.
My divorce is filed (he filed it) but since then I have asked for more $$ and he has had two mental breakdowns and one hospitalization and several documentable instances of unfit-ness. he is on supervised visits now, and he says he wants the divorce over with, but I doubt he wants to finalize it while his visits are supervised because then it will be public record that he can only see his kiddos with supervision and that will be a problem for his career and his reputation.
I need to push it on through, but I would rather just defend my position when he tries to push me to have the restrictions lifted.
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