Codependant No More STUDY- Session 3- CHAPTER 2: Other Stories Discussion
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Codependant No More STUDY- Session 3- CHAPTER 2: Other Stories Discussion
Session 1:Introduction Forward Discussion
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html
Session 2: Chapter 1- Jessica's Story Discussion
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html
Session 2: Chapter 1- Jessica's Story Discussion
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html
Codependent No More:
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melodie Beattie
Book Study
Session 3 CHAPTER 2 - Other Stories
Session 3 CHAPTER 2 - Other Stories
Chapter 4 Will go Up Wendsday Morning
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Hey, Did I reference the other discussions they it was suggested? Hope so.
I'm a mess today. My codependant demon and my rational angel were battling it out. I literally had to drag myself up to read. See what accountability does! I'm sooo much better. :-) THANKS EVERYONE!
I read all these stories. Each one is completely individualized yet, the same underlying issue. I'm going to write about the one that really resonates.
Patty IS me:
Mid-thirties, three children one of which is special needs (me, only I have two kids). She was a devoted wife and a sty-at-home mom. So was I (to the best of my ability anyway). Patty also did a lot of volunteer work, as do I. She gave off the aura of having power and strength. But, really didn't. She was really becoming undone. Also much like myself. She had suicidal thought just like my own. The way I've described it is "Knowing that I'd never have the guts to pull it off, but I understand why some people would. As it turns out, and only in therapy was it addressed, Patty grew up in an alcoholic home. Now she was married to an Alcoholic. Patty's husband was a typical functioning alcoholic able to provide support to the family. He would get sober for some periods. This was my husband. He didn't drink anymore. But, he was THE same person. Emotionally, a void. Grumpy.
Her doctor advised Alanon, a self esteem course, and an assertive class. Now, I probably don't need a self-assertive class. ;-) But, I've wondered about the benefits of a life coach. But, you know what? I have a sponsor! So, I do have that.
Patty ended up seeing results after a few months.She paid attention to her needs and basically began to love herself.
All her issues came down to one disorder: Codependancy
Awsome read. I wasn't so thrilled when I saw more stories. I read enough in here! But, I was pleasantly surprised. :-)
I'm a mess today. My codependant demon and my rational angel were battling it out. I literally had to drag myself up to read. See what accountability does! I'm sooo much better. :-) THANKS EVERYONE!
I read all these stories. Each one is completely individualized yet, the same underlying issue. I'm going to write about the one that really resonates.
Patty IS me:
Mid-thirties, three children one of which is special needs (me, only I have two kids). She was a devoted wife and a sty-at-home mom. So was I (to the best of my ability anyway). Patty also did a lot of volunteer work, as do I. She gave off the aura of having power and strength. But, really didn't. She was really becoming undone. Also much like myself. She had suicidal thought just like my own. The way I've described it is "Knowing that I'd never have the guts to pull it off, but I understand why some people would. As it turns out, and only in therapy was it addressed, Patty grew up in an alcoholic home. Now she was married to an Alcoholic. Patty's husband was a typical functioning alcoholic able to provide support to the family. He would get sober for some periods. This was my husband. He didn't drink anymore. But, he was THE same person. Emotionally, a void. Grumpy.
Her doctor advised Alanon, a self esteem course, and an assertive class. Now, I probably don't need a self-assertive class. ;-) But, I've wondered about the benefits of a life coach. But, you know what? I have a sponsor! So, I do have that.
Patty ended up seeing results after a few months.She paid attention to her needs and basically began to love herself.
All her issues came down to one disorder: Codependancy
Awsome read. I wasn't so thrilled when I saw more stories. I read enough in here! But, I was pleasantly surprised. :-)
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
When I read through this chapter, I felt a bit alienated. I idnetified with no one! It wasn't till I got to the end and Melody wrote:
'No single example illustrates the typical codependant or his or her experience. Codependency is complex...Yet, a common thread runs through all stories of codependency.'that I realised that I could see myself in 'bits' of the stories. Like Patty, I've suffered from depression for years and couldn't seem to shake it. I too feel l've 'lost' myself in my marriage to XAH. And, just like Marlyss, I was driven by feelings of guilt, as well as shame and fear of being judged and found wanting.
I've worked with a counsellor to wrestle with a lot of the negative feelings I have about me. I still have a long way to go but, every so often, I see glimpses of who I could be if I work at it and beat my codependency and depression. XAH leaving didn't 'cure' or solve my problems though life is so much better without him! My recovery is for ME and only I can do it!
'No single example illustrates the typical codependant or his or her experience. Codependency is complex...Yet, a common thread runs through all stories of codependency.'
I've worked with a counsellor to wrestle with a lot of the negative feelings I have about me. I still have a long way to go but, every so often, I see glimpses of who I could be if I work at it and beat my codependency and depression. XAH leaving didn't 'cure' or solve my problems though life is so much better without him! My recovery is for ME and only I can do it!
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"I see glimpses of who I could be if I work at it and beat my codependency and depression."
I love this line! For me it's about having that genuine optimism. Because it's the truth. Everyday I get better, The more I'm able to push my defects aside. The person who I really am, who I was meant to be, comes out. Maybe I'll be awsome in 2,865,986 Years! ;-)
I love this line! For me it's about having that genuine optimism. Because it's the truth. Everyday I get better, The more I'm able to push my defects aside. The person who I really am, who I was meant to be, comes out. Maybe I'll be awsome in 2,865,986 Years! ;-)
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Melody made me laugh
My current copy of CNM is from the late 80's (no preface). So I don't know if this sentence is in the current copies, but on the last page of Chapter 2 is a list of suggested activities.
This is what Activity #2 says in my copy (emphasis added):
"2.You might find it helpful to buy a large notebook and record your responses to these activities. "
She knew I would need a LARGE notebook before I even knew I was codependent!
This is what Activity #2 says in my copy (emphasis added):
"2.You might find it helpful to buy a large notebook and record your responses to these activities. "
She knew I would need a LARGE notebook before I even knew I was codependent!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
I related most to Sheryl. I have had this story play out 2-3 times in the last 10 years. I habitually date men who might be in some sort of recovery but are not at all dealing with their sex/love addiction issues. My last boyfriend told me he was hitting on other women compulsively and had been doing so for many months. I left him, sooner than I have left men like this in the past. It is just something I cannot tolerate.
What happens to me in this scenario is I really lose myself in the paranoid checking up on what he is doing...*or*...I stay out of the way so he can act out to his heart's desire, then when he comes crawling back I take him back. This is actually an improvement for me in that I am detaching from the problem when it happens, but the reality is I didn't cause the problem and I can't fix it and the real solution is to detach completely from the relationship and permanently.
So my codependency improvement is to finally draw a line in the sand and I will never again try to make it work with someone with this problem. I see this as my primary codependency issue. I have my eyes wide open and won't stick around next time. It does not work.
What happens to me in this scenario is I really lose myself in the paranoid checking up on what he is doing...*or*...I stay out of the way so he can act out to his heart's desire, then when he comes crawling back I take him back. This is actually an improvement for me in that I am detaching from the problem when it happens, but the reality is I didn't cause the problem and I can't fix it and the real solution is to detach completely from the relationship and permanently.
So my codependency improvement is to finally draw a line in the sand and I will never again try to make it work with someone with this problem. I see this as my primary codependency issue. I have my eyes wide open and won't stick around next time. It does not work.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Hi not sure if I replyed in the other one with Jessica's story, but that was the one that hit home and described me the most. I can't remember now the other stories! ah, I read it a couple days ago so, bad me can't remember what I read. This is my first time reading this book and I can't help but keep reading and reading. It's such a great book, I came to the part where she was in treatment in Willmar, MN which irronically is only 45 min from where I live. crazy.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Maui, HI
Posts: 26
If I had to pick someone I would say I most align with Kristen's story. I hope this book talks about how to deal with push-back. I have been taking steps to set up boundaries and have been getting resistance in unusual places.
Feeling very down, had a huge fight with my husband last nite, he called a bit ago and asked to meet for lunch - of course I am fighting the crazies thinking he is going to ask for a divorce again. 90 minutes to go...
Feeling very down, had a huge fight with my husband last nite, he called a bit ago and asked to meet for lunch - of course I am fighting the crazies thinking he is going to ask for a divorce again. 90 minutes to go...
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
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Originally Posted by Alizerin 
"I see glimpses of who I could be if I work at it and beat my codependency and depression."
I love this line! For me it's about having that genuine optimism. Because it's the truth. Everyday I get better, The more I'm able to push my defects aside. The person who I really am, who I was meant to be, comes out. Maybe I'll be awsome in 2,865,986 Years! ;-)
I love this line! For me it's about having that genuine optimism. Because it's the truth. Everyday I get better, The more I'm able to push my defects aside. The person who I really am, who I was meant to be, comes out. Maybe I'll be awsome in 2,865,986 Years! ;-)
Also, you are awesome right now, you just need to recognize it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 61
I didn't much identify with any of the stories in Chapter 2 'til I got to the end and read Kristen's story. I know that when I was with my ex-husband I oozed codependent behavior, but I've worked through that period of my life and don't much care to revisit! Lol.
One of the things I learned in Sunday School that stuck with me for a loooong time was "God first, others second, and self third." While I believe with all my heart that God needs to come first in life, what I *heard* was *I am last*. Last place, least important. All these years I have followed my mom's example of being a people pleaser. In our house, my dad's mood rules our behavior. If daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! I've learned to be extra sensitive to body language, tone, facial expressions, words, heck, even silence. I have gotten a lot better about allowing people to own their own feelings and not letting them influence how I feel, but I find that with my family I can immediately be *time warped* back to childhood when I am around my parents. We are aaaall codependent. Lol.
Like Kristen, I am a mostly happy person, and I want to continue to learn how to relax and let go of the need to control.
One of the things I learned in Sunday School that stuck with me for a loooong time was "God first, others second, and self third." While I believe with all my heart that God needs to come first in life, what I *heard* was *I am last*. Last place, least important. All these years I have followed my mom's example of being a people pleaser. In our house, my dad's mood rules our behavior. If daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! I've learned to be extra sensitive to body language, tone, facial expressions, words, heck, even silence. I have gotten a lot better about allowing people to own their own feelings and not letting them influence how I feel, but I find that with my family I can immediately be *time warped* back to childhood when I am around my parents. We are aaaall codependent. Lol.
Like Kristen, I am a mostly happy person, and I want to continue to learn how to relax and let go of the need to control.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I suppose I'm still in the infancy stages of codependency because I related to Gerald's story and when he said put me in a room of _______, I'll get the one with the most problems. Kind of making an excuse, but not quite ready to do the work and identify why the heck my man picker is broken! lazy, denial? almost like living on the drama or the anticipated drama.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"I want to continue to learn how to relax and let go of the need to control."
I identified with that. My most prominant issue these days - It's the impossible feat of wanting to know and ultimately control someone else's emotions. If I don't know what someone's emotions are I get panicky. Because.... I can't try and manipulate them?
<yuck>
I identified with that. My most prominant issue these days - It's the impossible feat of wanting to know and ultimately control someone else's emotions. If I don't know what someone's emotions are I get panicky. Because.... I can't try and manipulate them?
<yuck>
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Humble, tx
Posts: 82
Hmmmm
Good morning,
I feel bad today. I'm still codependant, and I'm changing slowly, but feel I should have more progress than I do. The ladies here have helped me so much. I read and laugh and cry and stop myself from telling y'all what to do. My first tendency is to focus on you rather than me. It is much easier.
So I've identified my problem (s) , now I've got to arrange my priorities so that I'm at the top of the list, so I can retrain my brain, with new ways of living. This is unfamiliar, downright scarry. I'm learning to do the it's all about me dance.
So, a little off topic here.
Last night about dinnertime, I ran to the store, picked out 2 frozen dinners, and coffee creamer( I'm addicted to French vanilla sugar free)
return home and abf was awake and wondering what was for dinner. I told him got you a meatloaf, do you want it? Yes, I served him on the couch, he asked for water, I got it. Then I made my frozen dinner and ate it. I'm thinking, dangerous, he doesn't even realize, I'm eating, no he asks where's his candy? I tell him, and he says, I want it. But I keep eating. He comes from a family where Mom did everything for everyone. I'm not his mom! I'm getting pissed, don't want to eat anymore, and certainly do not want to find his candy!
By now I'm fuming, because the other night, he stayed up all night, and rearranged the freezer and the pantry. Now he can't find his candy. But what I'm really angry about is that he did this all buzzed on darvocets, which keep him up all night like a tweaker. I still have so much difficulty stepping away from the addict/alcoholic.
Two steps forward, two or three back.
I'm getting there, why does it take so long?
So my new addiction is this place here SR!
He thinks I'm overdoing it, yet complains, that since he doesn't really drink anymore, he's cured! So he asks, when will I exhibit some recovery? Afterall the meetings, phonecalls, therapy , when he's barely drinking and I'm not changing, blah bla. I fire back if you had some help, some recovery, some spirituality, something, you'd notice the changes in me.
I honestly believe he needs help. He doesn't believe he does. It's so screwy! It's like he believes I got him to quit drinking. I said no, you did that, I never have been able to make you stop or change anything. I used to believe I could, but today I know I am powerless, over many people, many places, and oh so many things.
:rotfxko
I'll be back. I love you peeps, my people, this is where I choose to be today!
I feel bad today. I'm still codependant, and I'm changing slowly, but feel I should have more progress than I do. The ladies here have helped me so much. I read and laugh and cry and stop myself from telling y'all what to do. My first tendency is to focus on you rather than me. It is much easier.
So I've identified my problem (s) , now I've got to arrange my priorities so that I'm at the top of the list, so I can retrain my brain, with new ways of living. This is unfamiliar, downright scarry. I'm learning to do the it's all about me dance.
So, a little off topic here.
Last night about dinnertime, I ran to the store, picked out 2 frozen dinners, and coffee creamer( I'm addicted to French vanilla sugar free)
return home and abf was awake and wondering what was for dinner. I told him got you a meatloaf, do you want it? Yes, I served him on the couch, he asked for water, I got it. Then I made my frozen dinner and ate it. I'm thinking, dangerous, he doesn't even realize, I'm eating, no he asks where's his candy? I tell him, and he says, I want it. But I keep eating. He comes from a family where Mom did everything for everyone. I'm not his mom! I'm getting pissed, don't want to eat anymore, and certainly do not want to find his candy!
By now I'm fuming, because the other night, he stayed up all night, and rearranged the freezer and the pantry. Now he can't find his candy. But what I'm really angry about is that he did this all buzzed on darvocets, which keep him up all night like a tweaker. I still have so much difficulty stepping away from the addict/alcoholic.
Two steps forward, two or three back.
I'm getting there, why does it take so long?
So my new addiction is this place here SR!
He thinks I'm overdoing it, yet complains, that since he doesn't really drink anymore, he's cured! So he asks, when will I exhibit some recovery? Afterall the meetings, phonecalls, therapy , when he's barely drinking and I'm not changing, blah bla. I fire back if you had some help, some recovery, some spirituality, something, you'd notice the changes in me.
I honestly believe he needs help. He doesn't believe he does. It's so screwy! It's like he believes I got him to quit drinking. I said no, you did that, I never have been able to make you stop or change anything. I used to believe I could, but today I know I am powerless, over many people, many places, and oh so many things.
:rotfxkoI'll be back. I love you peeps, my people, this is where I choose to be today!
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
((((hugs))))
"I'm getting there, why does it take so long?
So my new addiction is this place here SR!"
Me too. But, I think it's okay. I could be finding worse things to get addicted too. Being newlly single and all. ;-)
The next chapter digs into copedendancy. It's titled "Codependancy" so, it better! We've barely scratched the surface here. Turmoil to me is "us" screaming out for change. Rampant emotions = Ripe for change.
"I'm getting there, why does it take so long?
So my new addiction is this place here SR!"
Me too. But, I think it's okay. I could be finding worse things to get addicted too. Being newlly single and all. ;-)
The next chapter digs into copedendancy. It's titled "Codependancy" so, it better! We've barely scratched the surface here. Turmoil to me is "us" screaming out for change. Rampant emotions = Ripe for change.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
Guys we need to zip through this book a bit faster I'm already almost finished with it and the real stuff is in Part II. I can't believe how much I can relate to the later chapters and it's helped tremendously. I've read other Melody Beattie books but I've never read such an accurate description of what happens to me in my inner world with these relationships of codependency.
In particular I've been brought to tears by some of the things she talks about re:loss of dreams and how we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of alcoholism and lose our lives to it.
Let's speed this up!
In particular I've been brought to tears by some of the things she talks about re:loss of dreams and how we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of alcoholism and lose our lives to it.
Let's speed this up!
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Hey, I'll post a seperate poll to see what everyone thinks. I can speed it up. I guess a vote is in order, as it seems a good way to get everyone's opinion. :-)
Voting - Democracy at it's best!
Voting - Democracy at it's best!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
Joining late and trying to catch up.
I related to the ways Kristen was happy when her partner was happy. I have spent too much time letter other people's mood control my emotions. This is a pattern that was established early on in my life - being responsible for my Mom's happiness. I've carried it forward and it has not served me well.
Along those same lines, I relate to Alissa, not because I have a child with an issue, but because I had a mother, while not an addict or alcoholic, had behaviors that affected the family unit in very similar ways. I've spent decades being responsible for, raging at, controlling, cajoling, fixing, etc. and those behaviors carried over into my personal/romantic life - actually to all areas of my life. Much like Gerald's.
So yes, I can relate. And I've got a LARGE notebook to write down my stuff from this reading.
I related to the ways Kristen was happy when her partner was happy. I have spent too much time letter other people's mood control my emotions. This is a pattern that was established early on in my life - being responsible for my Mom's happiness. I've carried it forward and it has not served me well.
Along those same lines, I relate to Alissa, not because I have a child with an issue, but because I had a mother, while not an addict or alcoholic, had behaviors that affected the family unit in very similar ways. I've spent decades being responsible for, raging at, controlling, cajoling, fixing, etc. and those behaviors carried over into my personal/romantic life - actually to all areas of my life. Much like Gerald's.
So yes, I can relate. And I've got a LARGE notebook to write down my stuff from this reading.
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