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Codependant No More STUDY- Session 1: Preface & Introduction Discussion



Codependant No More STUDY- Session 1: Preface & Introduction Discussion

Old 03-02-2010, 04:55 AM
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Arrow Codependant No More STUDY- Session 1: Preface & Introduction Discussion

Codependent No More:

How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself


By Melodie Beattie


Book Study

Session 1 - Introduction & Preface



Please reply with a THANKS to this thread to let us know who's following along. :-)

('Cause there's nothing like a group of codies coming after you for not doing what you said you'd do)

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Old 03-02-2010, 05:05 AM
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This book captured me with it's sub-title "How to Stop Controlling Others & Start Caring For Yourself".

Now, as a recovering alcoholic who strives to work a hard program - I wouldn't have placed controlling as a trait of what I thought a codependent was. I figured most were weak kinda stupid people to be honest. A little more than crazy for putting up with my crap or any other alcoholic/drug addicts crap. How could I respect anyone doing all that? I certainly would never do it. I certainly wouldn't have put up with me.

Both my parents were alcoholics and ultimately died. One directly, the other indirectly. Both in their 40's. I have a whole host of issues that are going to play right into this study.

Mini background on me:

At 17 I wondered if I was an alcoholic, maybe I'd get over it eventually because I was SMART. I was already drinking alone at that point. At 25 I knew I was an alcoholic. I did things that alcoholics do. This included mostly hurting other people and myself. Terribly, So, needless to say the men I got heavily involved with were all addicts or drunks. Except after a while - I knew enough (so I thought) that dating men that drank like me, just wasn't working out. So, I ventured out into the world of "normal men". I dated a couple. But quickly ran those flings into the ground. I successfully hid my drinking from most of them. The problem was: I was a friggin nut. I was the crazy chick guys tell stories about in bars. So, the 'normal guy' thing wasn't working out either. This was back in the 1990's when Internet dating was in it's infancy. Men were right on it! Women were still a little meek. So, there would be like 500 profiles of men for 100 or so of women. I was like a kid in the candy store. Just searching for my prey. By eye color and all. This is when I found "The one that got away" The one guy that, if I wasn't so F'd up, it would have been great.

So, out of all the men on line, guess who I married? 'Cause I was 28 and "appearances" meant the world to me. I had to get married you know. I married me an alcoholic with self-esteem just enough lower than mine that he'd never LEAVE or CHEAT on me. Oh, and he made more money than me 'cause that's so important and all. There you have it. The three main points my picker wanted.

Anyway - FINALLY going on almost a month now. I'm no longer tied to that man, or him to me. Oh, and I have me 2 1/2 years sobriety. Sobriety, what a long strange trip it's been too! No wonder I became static. I have this whole other world - this whole other side that hasn't been looked at. I'm only halfway done. ;-)

Okay, to the book:

PREFACE:

After a quick skim, I turned to the back cover to see Melodie's smiling face. She looks so young! I pictured her looking like dear Abby or something.

in the Preface to the 1992 edition (reprinted in my book). I was shocked to find that it was she who who introduced the word codependency to the mainstream. in 1992 no less. Now, I'm not aware of Alanon's history with the word. In all likely hood they were using it by then. From this preface, it sounds like the word was taken out of the secretive closed door meetings (that's what they are unless you go to them) and flung out for ALL to see. That's Impressive Ms. Beattie.

Now she talks about how she still struggles with all the character traits. Progress not perfection. Although, I was secretly hoping she's be all perfect. Because at this point. I'm NEW and would like to think I can end up perfect (I know, I know). She is honest and real.

INTRODUCTION:

Second paragraph immediately hits me as she was an addict/alcoholic first. "Codependents were a necessary nuisance" Ha, this is creepily true. It also describes all my family members. She went on to describe them as hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with, and more.

WHOA - This is so much more brutal than the AA program. And so true. Because it hits home harder. I am all of those things and probably everything else that she's going to call me. ;-)

She explains that we think about being responsible for the entire world and not our own well being. While also being tyrants and clinging vines. This gets me because I'm two-faced. I'm the victim and the abuser. I'll put on whichever hat suits me at the time.

She describes herself as being a "flaming careening codependent". That's exactly what I am. isn't it? Yes, it certainly is.

Introduction sums up with: this book is about stopping the pain and regaining control of our lives.

I'm ready to create some magic!

Here is where I'm at today:

I'm being EATEN ALIVE my my own charachters flaws. I'm NEEDY <--- Ewwww. The one that got away? I managed to wrangle and smash in the span of a week. All this with my husbands dent still in the bed. I'm unfit to deal with people. I need to get my head out of my butt and start taking care of me. I'm a walking around spewing poison all over myself and others.

So, SPEAK.

Thoughts? Don't forget to say where you are today. It would be fun to see if we are able to kick up that happiness notch a few kicks!


Thanks!! ((Hugs))
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Old 03-02-2010, 06:44 AM
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{Enter stage left, a Pelican. The big beaked bird is plodding onto center stage and appears to be looking for something....}

"Anyone got an extra boost of confidence to enter the room after Ali?" the Pelican says

Thank you Alizerin for starting a book study on Codependent No More!

30 second history:
In the real world, and on the forum - I am a bird of few words.
Middle child to middle class parents. Non-drinking parents. Using Melody's labels I would describe my mom as neurotic and my dad as a workaholic.

I am a recovering alcoholic, recovering codependent,and a recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic. I am also a mom to 3 children and 2 pets.

About the book:

This is not my first reading of CNM. I am thankful for another opportunity to read the book and look forward to the shares from my SR family. During this reading of CNM, I am again struck by the repetition of the adjectives used to describe codies. Specifically:
hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, and guilt producing.

Each time I read those words, images of my mother, my alcoholic or someone else in my personal/professional life flash before my eyes. I have to mentally remove those images and remember this is about ME. I have those characteristics in my life. Ugh! I don't like holding the magnifying mirror up to see myself, but I know if I am to grow I have to self-examine.

Indirect stands out as my current red flag. I catch myself holding back because I don't want to hurt another person's feelings. I am not responsible for their feelings, just mine! I need to be more honest with myself so that I can be more specific in stating my desires and boundaries in my life. That is one of my goals for this reading of CNM.
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Old 03-02-2010, 07:54 AM
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Intro(self) preface, introduction

I'll be brief. I'm codependant, alanon, acoa, and have been lost in the pit of depression. Today I'm recovering. I'm learning more and retaining more than when I was younger, a much faster runner in my 20's 30's and early 40's. Now I usually stay put.
At 17, I ran away to California, from Chicago. I left my insane life, to start fresh, as far from my f'uped family as I could get. I did stay in touch with everyone but my mom. She had told my younger sis and I that she would kill us if we didn't start doing what we should, and stop being who we were. This fight was different, she showed proof, a new shiny handgun. I had had it! My 31 year old boyfriend wanted me to move in, but he was already throwing red flags everywhere, so I flew to LA. Ended up not teaching them all a lesson and came home at 19,Grandma bought my ticket, so I moved in with her. Found a job, saved moved out, into my old boyfriends. Age 20, sad at work, I confided to my friend( gay man that I thought, shouldn't be!) about Bf's drinking and drugging. At this tender age I already knew, I could never make it on my own.
I forced bf to go to the CATC, (chgo alcoholic treatment center. I religously visited and told him how good he was doing. He came home with a six pack! I lost my mind. My friend, who is still my dear friend today, sold me his sofa bed, and helped me get a great apt. In his building.I was stalked for years by exabf, which also made me a little nuts. Ok alot. That man died at 39, alcohol killed him. I've seen too many men I loved die! I hate this crap, God why me? Why do I love all the sickies?
Ok skip to my current love. I remember actually thinking, as I watched him try to eat with a shaky hand, and not eat, cuz it made him gag, yetguzzle the beer like water, and I said to myself, huh? Another alcoholic! WTF! God must know I can cure this one, or he wouldn't be in my life, right? So I put on my caretaker robe and nursed him back to health, he stopped drinking! For me!!!! He really loved me! Yes, thank you God!
Not!!! Not for long anyhow.
Did it occur to me that my thinking was a bit egotistical? No. Did I use any tools given to me in acoa, co depentant mtgs, or open 12 step mtgs? Maybe, maybe I believed I was going to recover, but in my heart, I needed him to recover too, and that is how I get sicker, expecting some change to occur while repeating the same mistakes.
So now I am rereading this book with an open heart, mind, and I'm choosing to let more seep in. Pg. 7 I tried but couldn't. Until years later, when I became so caught up in the chaos of a few alcoholics... This paragraph is highlighted.
Reading this makes me cry, tense and fear that I may never learn how to change my sick ways.
But I'm going to keep on letting go of that thought and focus on this now. I'm taking care of myself today, I am choosing to work in a positive way towards balance and serenity. My problems are not my secret anymore.
Thanks to y'all. I'm grateful to be here.
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:21 AM
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I was born into a two-parent teenage household. My dad, loving but not really emotionally available, was in the Navy for the first 5 years of my life...he was out to sea for months at a time which disrupted the natural parent-child bonding between us. By the age of 16, my mom had lost both of her parents and her remaining family was fractured. Thus when she had me, I helped to fill a void in her life but we had a somewhat unhealthy attachment that backfired when I became a teenager. Having been somewhat sheltered most of my life, the "real world" I experienced in college threw me for a loop. Lots of drinking and too many promiscuities that brought much shame and regret. I truly didn't know who I was and looked to others for that insight. I basically flunked out of school and went home, only to throw myself headlong into a relationship with my ex husband, your classic Mr. Wrong-on-SO-many-levels. Lol! We had a baby got married, and got divorced. After 5 years of concentrating on getting my life together, I tried online dating. Met a great guy and fast-tracked the relationship...he built me up and then tore me down. It was devastating. A few months later I got back on the dating horse and met the current RABF. You can read my other posts if you want those details.

Basically I see that I am a rescuer who has felt like I made too big a shambles of my life to be able to scrape together a do-over, and so I have devoted myself to "the cause of Others". So here I am, working on leaving the RABF alone to work his recovery and focusing on my own recovery.
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:34 AM
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Wow! I love this post and I have read the book once and I’m looking forward to reading it again. SR and the book saved my life basically.

My history – parents divorced when I was 12 and dad was an alcoholic. My mom was and still is queen codie! Even though I was young when my dad lived with us I remember what she put up with…the long nights out, the getting us out of bed to go pick him up at a bar and watching her take care of his EVERY need. He did nothing except drink and work. He did nothing with us as a family. So, I think that is why I went searching at the young age of 15 for love and attention. I found it…a drug addict that was 12 yrs older. Married him and moved out. Put up with emotional and physical abuse for 4 yrs from that man. My 2nd husband was a decent good man, had a wonderful relationship with his family. So, I thought wow this is the ONE. We were together for 10 yrs. He smoked pot and then it gradually became a HUGE coke habit. I left when I had enough. We stayed friends and I used my codieness to enable him through his new Meth addiction even though we were divorced. He is 2yrs clean now, but boy I look back and wish I had found SR back then.

I went through 8 more yrs of dysfunctional relationships thinking every time it was the GUY. I never once thought it could be ME that was the problem. Until this last relationship with another drug addict. METH was his DOC and boy is it true that it is the devils drug! He was the biggest liar, manipulator and user. I had felt I gave up too soon in that 10 yr marriage so I thought I’m going to stick it out with this one and HELP him get clean.

Then I found SR and boy what an eye opener. I found out I am a CODIE to the core and realized I’m the one messed up also. I made Mr. Meth guy move out 3 months ago soon after finding SR. He took every ounce of my self esteem. He ripped my insides out and I LET him. I truly believe god brought him into my life to WAKE me up and boy did he. I am very thankful for that part at least.

I DESERVE better and I know that now. I work on my codie issues on a daily basis. I have learned so much from this site and still have a ton of work to do. But, I do at least realize now what I was searching for all those years was exactly what was missing inside ME. I’m working on loving myself and being truly happy in my own skin so that I NEVER make the mistake of seeking out happiness in another person. And I will never allow someone else to steal my JOY.

Thanks for letting me share!
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:35 AM
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Thanks for all who shared. My thought in starting this thread was to journal. It's awsome to see you guys pretty much doing it too. There's a lot to process in reading everyones posts thus far. :-) I'm taking 2:00pm naps (Don't hate, I work from home!). It gives me a chance to let all these insights really soak in.
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:44 AM
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Oh, I'd like to add:

I hope anyone who's reading this thread without the book is MORE than welcome to chime in. It's about everyone being able to share and maybe get and give something in return.
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:08 AM
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I was born to a middle class family in an upper class town (can anyone say 'felt not good enough'?). I have one older sister and a half sister my mom gave up for adoption (when she was 16) whom we found when I was 19.

Both my parents are kind and gentle and non-emotional. Mom is very communicative, just not about feelings. Dad can talk politics and sports.

Dad is an alcoholic (although I didn't figure that out till adulthood...) and mom did her fair share of drinking, too. Both parents have kicked cigarettes and mom kicked drinking. Dad drinks a TON and remarried an alcoholic.

My mom awoke to the women's movement in the late 60's and wanted more from her relationship. She found my dad to be open and affectionate while drunk and neutral (and not remembering what he said) when sober. Non-communicative. Not wanting to change. They did counseling. She asked him to move out when I was 5. It was a huge blow to me; I thought it was my fault.

I was a lonely and loner, shy kid.

I was a troubled teen; I seemed to replay some traumas my mom had at that age. The worst of which was dating my busdriver (ouch!) at 16. He REALLY messed with my head and I was pretty traumatized. He even stalked me after. I lied, stole, snuck out. Mainly I felt depressed and like I had no control over myself.

I did the Forum from Landmark Education and that ROCKED MY WORLD and helped me straighten out a bunch.

Anyway, long series of relationships; I picked better and better mates after the bus driver, although the later ones were all were the same gentle/kind/non-communicative-about-feelings mix of my parents, all of whom I hounded relentlessly about their flaws (mostly emotional unavailability) - to the relationship's detriment!

Re. my current relationship, I (unconsciously) figured out I couldn't pester my partners to change, so I figured I must have to ACCEPT (everything about them, period.) That's what got me here today. I accepted and accepted till I started to feel stepped on. I got the "no pestering" part, but I hadn't yet learned figuring out what I needed and wanted and standing for it. Boundaries. Self definition. Standards.

I think it's time for me to address true openness in myself. Can I eventually pick a partner that wants to communicate? Perhaps even about stuff I feel uncomfortable about? We shall see!

And here we are!

I'm a recovering (hopefully) codependent.

About the book:
I loved when she said, "The minister is speaking from his heart, telling the congregation that he is done leading a church that's based in shame, fear, guilt, and dishonesty. He wants, instead, he says, to be part of a church that's based on equality, honesty, intimacy, acceptance, and the healing power of God's love." (pg 2)

I was wounded by the former and celebrate the latter. I could replace me and the minister and say, "I am done leading a LIFE that's... I want, instead, to be part of a life that..."

Another quote: "They were that angry, because anyone who had tolerated what they had would be that angry...They were controlling because everything around and inside them was out of control...I saw people who manipulated because manipulating appeared to be the only way to get anything done...I worked with people who were indirect because the systems they lived in seemed incapable of tolerating honesty." (Pg 8)
That speaks to me. It validates my experience, but also goads me to take more responsibility. I am tolerating. I am out of control. Manipulating APPEARS (to me) to be the only way, the system SEEMS (to me) to be incapable of tolerating honesty.

These are things I can work with in myself, and I can walk away from anything, if I need to.

I love this book!
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:14 AM
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Great post, I'm so glad SR is here!

Briefly...

I grew up in what I truly considered a 'normal' household. My parents do not drink. They are still married, 43 yrs! I never grew up with any drug or alcohol abuse in my family. No one drank, no one did drugs. I was never exposed to any of the horrors of addiction as a kid, or young adult.

I drank when I was younger, but nothing I ever considered a problem. I got drunk, but never felt the need that I had to have booze. As I got older, the need subsided, and today I don't drink at all.

My first relationship with an alcoholic started when I was 30. I met my b/f at a bar, and he swept me off my feet. He was so attentive, funny, passionate. Translation? Obsessive, controllling, abusive. I became a statistic. He abused me, he beat me up, he stole my self esteem. He left me, which was such a blessing in disguise. I didn't date anyone for almost 10yrs, he had completely convinced me I was unloveable and no one would want me. Not the way he did. I swore I would NEVER get involved with another alcoholic.

Fast forward, 2005. Met a really great guy, we were friends. I knew he drank, and it was a big joke amongst our friends. He started to show some interest in me in 2007. We started dating. The red flag was on the first date. He invited me to his place. It was a mess. And he was hammered when I got there at 3pm. HELLOOOOOOOOO RED FLAG! We've been here before. BUT..the rescuer in me was convinced this was a one time thing. He was nervous, he was excited to see me, numbing himself with booze.

Well, he turned out to be a full blown alcoholic. He wasn't physically abusive like the first one, but could turn on me verbally in a heartbeat. I put up with his tantrums, his drinking, his verbal tirades. All because I saw 'the good in him'. Until the day I left, I was convinced this was the man for me.

The first page of this book almost made me mad! ME? I'm the controlling one? I was the ONLY one taking care of business in our household when HE was drunk on the couch! If I didn't do the laundry, do the grocery shopping, clean the house, he certainly wasn't going to ? HOW does that make me controlling and manipulative! I was only taking care of what he couldn't.

Then...I read further. I AM controlling. I am manipulative. OMG..ME! I am the problem here. He has his own set of issues, but I am only into the first chapter, and I see myself so clearly.

This book is going to be hard to read. I am a rescuer. I am the one that needs to show the world I am in control, and all is right in my world, even when it is crumbling at my feet. I have to take responsibility for my part in the demise of my relationship. Could it be, this is not all HIS fault? I am not defending him...but I sure played a role I never thought about.

Eye opening...
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:15 AM
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Wow, what an awesome thread.

A bit of background on me:
I am the single child of a French Canadian woman and a Vietnamese man. Though there is a history of alcoholism in my mother's family, since my father is severely allergic to alcohol, there was never any drinking at my house, even when my father worked for Molson. Alcohol at the dinner table was a novelty, not a habit. Looking back, I have trouble figuring out how I ended up the raging codie that I am, but I think I'd have to "point the finger" at my mother, who does go out of her way to "help" other people. There are definitely Saviours in my family (namely my aunty).

When I examine my past relationships, what becomes clear to me is that though not all of them have been toxic (my first two were 3 and 2 years each), they all happened very close to each other, sometimes overlapping altogether. Also, I'm keenly aware that I never had the courage to end a relationship myself, so I always cheated at the end of my relationship and then admitted my "sin" to my partner as a reason why we needed to part ways....The true coward's way out. In addition, I think that having grown up with two very loving and commited parents, I figured that being "with someone" was essential to my identity. I still consider my parents' marriage to be rather ideal, even though I can see the flaws today. Finally, I think I've ALWAYS been very insecure of myself, wanting to be popular, to be the best in everything, needing validation from others...

From 16 to 21, I dated two older men, who I guess were offering things I considered important: stability, good looks, excitment (bf#1 anyway), intellectual stimulation (bf#2). Eventually though, I realized that I'd been "a good girl" for far too long and that I needed to go crazy while I was still young or I'd resent it.

So I did. I cheated on bf#2 and started dating furiously, drinking much, doing drugs, showing up to class blitzed, being "wild" because I was obsessed somehow with the notion that I was missing out by having such a normal family and that I needed to explore "my dark side". I think this is when my obsession for men started up. I either needed to be partying like mad, wanted and admired by all, or dating a "hot guy". Nothing else seemed as important as the person I was dating or the person I was coveting.

At 26, after the end of a 2 year long distance relationship with a man I thought I would marry (just because he was conveniently half Asian like me, had some family values, was going to be an architect, yadda yadda yadda), I feel into a deep depression. I figured that all my previous relationships never worked because I had an inability to love. If I wasn't good enough to love, I would get any much sex as I could. So I go involved with a polygamist sex group, REALLY exploring that dark side I mentioned. It was too much for me. I'm a monogamist at heart and the unhealthy lifestyle was eating away at me. Right when I was falling apart, I met XAH at a swingers' party. He was unhappily married to someone and looking for a way out. We both *saved* each other from our respective hells: me from the controlling sex group and him from his hellish marriage. God, we were both so f*cked up, and yet we tried desperately to have a normal relationship in the midst of our mutual codependence and his addiction.

The rest of my relationship and marriage to this man is a blur of verbal abuse, control, manipulation, pathological lying, theft, drugs, self-mutilation, working in the sex industry...you name it, I did it.

Now that I've found SR, and have left XAH, I can truly say that I'm GLAD I went down that dark road. Now I won't live in regret, wondering what if. I can truly say that I crave a healthy lifestyle, I crave a good relationship with myself and that I'm happiest where I am now: at home with my family. I'm also glad because my beautiful little DD was born, and her birth marked the beginning of a new life for me. She gave me the courage and strength I needed to finally leave XAH, on my own, without having cheated on him (yay), so I could find myself.
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Old 03-02-2010, 04:55 PM
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Wendsday Chapter 1


This keeps me on my toes.
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:22 PM
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Thankyou

I am glad that you started this thread because I just borrowed this book from the library.

Last December my husband asked for a divorce and moved out. One month later he asked to move back in to try again. We have been to counseling since then and although some things are getting better, I started to realize that we were both doing things to sabotage our relationship. I had decided when we got back together that no matter what happened, I was going to use this time to better myself, so I started reading and searching on the internet about what could be going on and discovered this book.

It really hit home for me.

I want to be seen as an angel, the perfect one that does no wrong. And if I have to control my husband, well I get others to "push" me to act, by telling them all the ways my husband has done me wrong.

I grew up with a father who was prone to rages and a mother who was virtually non-existant. She showed love by approving of me. I learned long ago to watch people's moods and try to head those rages off at the pass. And to be as perfect as possible to get approval. So I learned to be the angel or I am not lovable. And I learned to be controlling or the rages will come. BLEH.

So I am reading this book, and learning to talk more. A new phrase for me, "Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you with ..." Or "Can I help you with that?" So far, my husband has said "no, but thankyou for offering" every time. And I have felt a freedom from compulsion that I have not felt in years. My first baby step.

Mauigirl
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:29 PM
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Welcome to the Sober Recovery family Mauigirl!

We're glad you are here!

Feel free to start a new thread and introduce yourself to the rest of the family. You will find lots of support and information here.
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:44 PM
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married an infrequent binger when i was 28. no doubts, meant to be, eyes wide open. did i mention binger? yeah, didn't know that til after the wedding, although there were signs. he bottomed and went to rehab five years into the marriage, came out a new man, i realized that my good feelings were wrapped up in his success when he fell off the wagon a year later. got rid of him, became a lover to my best friend of many years (tell me that's an appropriate friend; someone you are attracted to) about five months after the divorce. oh, yeah, almost forgot; he's a heroin addict, currently in recovery.

when i first started to use the term "codependent" for myself, i thought it made perfect sense. he is the alcoholic; therefore i am the co-alcoholic, or the co-to-the-one-dependent on alcohol.

i read the book when someone gave it as a gift (knew i wanted it) and i don't know, but those words:

hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with

what?!

them's fightin words, melody.

no no no, take it back, i'm like almost perfect. not me, NOT THAT! nope.

well, maybe.

when xah got out of rehab, i thought "goody he's all better; now we can live a healthier life, have a better relationship, etc" but when things started falling apart, i knew that he just had to go to aa. i knew he was supposed to go to meetings, but he never wanted to. so if i nagged him to go, well, maybe he would, and then voila he would get better again and if he was better, we were better. i went to al-anon to support HIM. funny, same reason i came to s/r - to learn about heroin addiction. huh.

funny, alizerin, you wanted melody to be perfect. i love that she's not! i LOVE her stories cuz it makes her like me! and remember, i'm only almost perfect.

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Old 03-02-2010, 06:23 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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Hi! I'm TheNewGirl.

I moved a lot as a kid, so I said this a lot. It was easier for them to remember I was "The New Girl" than to remember what my name is.

It's not an uncommon name.

And it was easier for me to build my walls with "The New Girl" than to actually use my name.

Cause I'd learned early on that PEOPLE HURT YOU. And I thought that the way to avoid that pain was to not let them get close to begin with. But I realized that that idea just leads to loneliness, not safety, so I went to the other extreme: I let EVERYONE in. Especially those that DID harm me. Because negative attention was better than no attention. I NEEDED that attention.

Eventually, tired again of getting hurt, I tried protecting myself once more. This time, not by being selective of the people around me, but by trying to control the people around me.

What is it with me and choosing guys who have a problem with drugs and/or alcohol? I am Co-dependent. Healthy & well-adjusted people would not put up with or accept my crazy, controlling behavior. "Like attracts like."

"Codependents have as much difficulty accepting their powerlessness over people and events as alcoholics / addicts have regarding their powerlessness over their drug of choice. (Many treatment modalities approach codependency as an addiction to control and / or caretaking.)"

Tired AGAIN of getting hurt... I stumbled upon SR. The post that CHANGED MY LIFE (for the better! yay!) was the list of traits of Co-Dependents, borrowed from Chapter 4 of CNM. I immediately ordered the book (and Beyond Codependency, And Getting Better All The Time) on Amazon.

I'm grateful to be here.
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Old 03-02-2010, 07:08 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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I moved a lot as a kid, so I said this a lot. It was easier for them to remember I was "The New Girl" than to remember what my name is.

Ha, I did too - Moved quite a bit. It was weird because they'd all check me out and I remember being asked "So, were you popular at your old school?" Huh?

Memories....
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:16 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
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I'm a codependent recovering love addict. I do not have "Codependent No More" but I have the other Beattie books. I only recently realized I am a love addict so it makes it easier to understand the codependency.

I'm too introverted, shy and generally low in the self image department to pursue people or even be vaguely assertive in relationships, so I usually end up with the guy who hits on *everybody*. Often that guy is just basically a big ol' addict. I ignore the addict signs because I'm so needy that I don't care and I'm not invested, but as soon as I invest *then* I start having a problem with who he is and I try to change him, usually it takes me a year or more to say something and then it quickly unravels as we discover (big surprise) that these guys have no interest in changing and why should they 1 year in?

I can definitely relate to the critical, controlling, manipulative labels. I didn't even realize that I was these things. Because to me it was so obvious that these guys would want to change to be better people -- and of course I know how to do that. NOT! I didn't see my controlling so much as controlling as it was sort of a program of making them more responsible people! I was going to "teach" my boyfriend that he should want to have a family, get health insurance, and in general strive for healthy, happy relationships that suited my agenda. After all, *he* chose *me*.

Well, I am finally learning. You don't make people what you want. You make yourself what you want and then maybe, MAYBE, you will meet someone who complements that. This is so basic. Took me 10 years to figure it out. I have wasted so much time trying to change other people with my re-education project. I'm soooooooooo done.

I have nothing wise to offer here other than my own pathetic story! Sorry!
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Old 03-03-2010, 04:35 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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I have to rush home and read the intro and chapter 1 tonight:

my bio, eldest child of 2 loving parents, both severely unsuited to each other by the time we kids came along, with a running verbally abusive argument that lasted all of my childhood, whilst they tried to stay together and force each other to change to meet their needs. I was taught that it was everyone's role to fix other people, to take on other's problems and make it all about me, that we are responsible for how others feel and that our worth is defined by how others percieve us. They had been taught that too, we all did the best we could given that framework.

I am passive when it comes to relationships of any kind, if you wander along and befriend me, you are my friend, I never cut ties, I never assess whether I like you, whether we share value systems, whether you are a benign or good force in my life. I have some truely wonderful friends, but some damn toxic ones too.

Significant others have therefore also been a mixed bunch.

i married and had children with an alcoholic. I was a heavy drinker and recreational drug user (but not addicted to anything), we partied together until we decided to have children, I changed my behaviour, he didn't. LONG not happy story short, I am divorcing him now, my behaviour during that marriage is not something I am proud of, I didn't like who I became. I'm not particularly keen on how I was feeling when I got into that relationship.

I like me much better now (my ex, surprisingly, can't bear me now)

Ms Beattie "does" al anon, but her book isn't al-anon, it is more direct, I prefer that, If I don't agree I can get a handle on what I don't agree with.

The term co-dependent, I use here as a short-hand, but no where else. To me it is important to remember that they're just a big old shopping list of behaviours, many of which can be grouped differently to describe other "types" of people, and most of which most people demonstrate to some degree or other. I think, as codependents, it can be all too easy to focus in on the "what's wrong with me" aspect. I know I've had to pull back from dangerous dark pits of self-loathing during this process.

hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with
this is NEVER the whole person, addict, codie, we have to remember to feel the love too and I think that comes accross with this book (in the main).
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Old 03-03-2010, 04:48 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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somehow in the introduction i was smacked in the head with a board when i agreed with the authors icky explanation of the position codependents take in life as necessary nuisance. hostile, controlling, manipulative...and the not understanding of each other (codependents and chemically dependent). what a P.I.A. we are huh?
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