Help: She's home from rehab, but is it too late for us?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 10
Help: She's home from rehab, but is it too late for us?
My AW has been home from a week now after a month in rehab. Just before she agreed to go, I had put a deposit on an apartment and opened my own bank accounts - in short, I was leaving. I had met with an attorney to discuss divorce. I was feeling really good in that I had re-taken control of my life and working my program.
When she decided to go away (which I honestly do NOT believe was just to keep me from leaving), I put my plans on hold.
Now she's been back a week and she really does seem changed. She's been attending meetings, going to her intensive outpatient, talking to other AA members, and generally she seems to really want to be sober.
Problem is my heart just isn't in this anymore. I still love her, but I'm afraid that's just not enough. Too many years, too much pain. Maybe too much detachment (and not enough love).
She and I had a long talk today. She asked me if I WANT to make it work and for the first time I had to admit to myself that I'm really not sure. When she was drinking I knew that we weren't working; but I never asked myself if I truly wanted it to work. I just assumed I did.
So I'm asking all of you: have any of you been at this point? and if so, is there a way to get "it" back in a relationship after this? There's a lot of codie in me and I'm scared to be alone, but that's a crappy reason to stay in a marriage.
I realize these questions are probably only answerable by me, but I just don't know what I want or need at this point. I'm attending my meetings, and trying to remember that one day at a time is all I can hope for, but since she's been home I feel like I've relapsed.
Many thanks for any/all thoughts.
When she decided to go away (which I honestly do NOT believe was just to keep me from leaving), I put my plans on hold.
Now she's been back a week and she really does seem changed. She's been attending meetings, going to her intensive outpatient, talking to other AA members, and generally she seems to really want to be sober.
Problem is my heart just isn't in this anymore. I still love her, but I'm afraid that's just not enough. Too many years, too much pain. Maybe too much detachment (and not enough love).
She and I had a long talk today. She asked me if I WANT to make it work and for the first time I had to admit to myself that I'm really not sure. When she was drinking I knew that we weren't working; but I never asked myself if I truly wanted it to work. I just assumed I did.
So I'm asking all of you: have any of you been at this point? and if so, is there a way to get "it" back in a relationship after this? There's a lot of codie in me and I'm scared to be alone, but that's a crappy reason to stay in a marriage.
I realize these questions are probably only answerable by me, but I just don't know what I want or need at this point. I'm attending my meetings, and trying to remember that one day at a time is all I can hope for, but since she's been home I feel like I've relapsed.
Many thanks for any/all thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
P2ALL
My wife is out of treatment for the 2nd time and now in a 3 month sober house. You know,,, we have two beautiful kids and 13 years of marriage. The last few years just sucked.. No wasting words there. BUT,, when she is sober there is something there. I have been to the 'I don't know anymore' a few times... AT this point I am doing this for US and the kids. MY decision is based on her actually trying to say sober. She failed but contiunes to try and gives up a part of her that stops her from truly staying sober each stumble. So between my oath to my wife before God and her fighting I'm hanging in there.
I've been sober myself for 18 years and my wife did have 12 good sober years so I know what sober times are like for us and how close we are.
AG
PM me if you want to talk anytime!
My wife is out of treatment for the 2nd time and now in a 3 month sober house. You know,,, we have two beautiful kids and 13 years of marriage. The last few years just sucked.. No wasting words there. BUT,, when she is sober there is something there. I have been to the 'I don't know anymore' a few times... AT this point I am doing this for US and the kids. MY decision is based on her actually trying to say sober. She failed but contiunes to try and gives up a part of her that stops her from truly staying sober each stumble. So between my oath to my wife before God and her fighting I'm hanging in there.
I've been sober myself for 18 years and my wife did have 12 good sober years so I know what sober times are like for us and how close we are.
AG
PM me if you want to talk anytime!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Peace -
Just because someone 'out here' in cyberland made it turn around
doesn't mean that you will.
And just because someone out here in 'cyberland'
DID NOT make it work
doesn't mean that you won't.
This is a completely INTERNAL thing going on with you ,dude.
A decision might need to be made, for sure.
We spend so much energy shutting down and turning off
to open it all back up again
is like re-breaking a nose that isn't all that crooked to start with.
Or something along those lines.... sucky metaphor I know.
I was wondering -
if you already got the apt -
maybe move in
and do a whole lot of praying and introspecting?
It'd give each of you separate space to make your decisions.
And for each of you to work your own programs one day at a time.
Just because someone 'out here' in cyberland made it turn around
doesn't mean that you will.
And just because someone out here in 'cyberland'
DID NOT make it work
doesn't mean that you won't.
This is a completely INTERNAL thing going on with you ,dude.
A decision might need to be made, for sure.
We spend so much energy shutting down and turning off
to open it all back up again
is like re-breaking a nose that isn't all that crooked to start with.
Or something along those lines.... sucky metaphor I know.
I was wondering -
if you already got the apt -
maybe move in
and do a whole lot of praying and introspecting?
It'd give each of you separate space to make your decisions.
And for each of you to work your own programs one day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 10
Thanks AG and Barb.
Barb, to answer your question, I had put down a deposit at the apartment complex and was supposed to move-in in mid February. When I put that on hold they put me on their list. They just called yesterday to see if I had a new date in mind.
My wife and I discussed exactly your suggestion. Obviously she's not too thrilled with the thought of separation -- she came out of rehab all optimistic for the future.
What's eating me is that I was really nervous about living alone while she was in rehab (I have this thing about being alone). But it turned out to be really enjoyable and pleasant, so I'm thinking maybe that's a sign of where my head and heart are at.
Bottom line, I don't know what I want to do and it's frustrating the crap out of me. This is a massive decision and I feel like I've got nothing to base it on but feelings. I'm usually very rational.
Barb, to answer your question, I had put down a deposit at the apartment complex and was supposed to move-in in mid February. When I put that on hold they put me on their list. They just called yesterday to see if I had a new date in mind.
My wife and I discussed exactly your suggestion. Obviously she's not too thrilled with the thought of separation -- she came out of rehab all optimistic for the future.
What's eating me is that I was really nervous about living alone while she was in rehab (I have this thing about being alone). But it turned out to be really enjoyable and pleasant, so I'm thinking maybe that's a sign of where my head and heart are at.
Bottom line, I don't know what I want to do and it's frustrating the crap out of me. This is a massive decision and I feel like I've got nothing to base it on but feelings. I'm usually very rational.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I do not advocate or suggest or encourage divorce to anyone because I feel that is NOT MY PLACE ever. What I DO advocate, suggest and encourage however is facing your WORST fears. So, I vote DO IT. Explain to your wife that it has nothing to do with her, her recovery, or your marriage but only to do with your own personal growth.
You know, codependent relationships are an unhealthy extreme. INTERdependent relationships are the healthier choice. I read somewhere once that to get from COdependence to INTERdepence, one HAS TO go through Independence. My personal experience over the last 13 years fully supports this theory.
You know, codependent relationships are an unhealthy extreme. INTERdependent relationships are the healthier choice. I read somewhere once that to get from COdependence to INTERdepence, one HAS TO go through Independence. My personal experience over the last 13 years fully supports this theory.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 35
Peace2All - Take your time. There's no need to make a permanent decision at this point. Both you and your wife are in recovery and it's a long and winding road. Dealing with active alcoholism takes a lot out of everyone, and now you have a chance to breath. You and your wife will have to rebuild your relationship - your feelings are normal, but they may not be permanent. Keep working your program, and the answer will come to you in time.
My AW came home in February 2009 after one year in rehab and a halfway house. We have 4 little girls under the 10. Unfortunately, my wife has relapsed and she has a really bad habit of getting in the car with the children when she's been drinking - I think it's to prove to herself that she can handle drinking and her responsibilities. We are going through a nasty divorce, but I don't regret welcoming my wife home - I now have peace and have no regrets - there's no more "maybe she has it this time". I hope she does, but I'm not going to put my children's welfare at risk if I'm wrong.
My AW came home in February 2009 after one year in rehab and a halfway house. We have 4 little girls under the 10. Unfortunately, my wife has relapsed and she has a really bad habit of getting in the car with the children when she's been drinking - I think it's to prove to herself that she can handle drinking and her responsibilities. We are going through a nasty divorce, but I don't regret welcoming my wife home - I now have peace and have no regrets - there's no more "maybe she has it this time". I hope she does, but I'm not going to put my children's welfare at risk if I'm wrong.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
P2ALL-
1st off I see you live in Princeton. MY husband bought a business there so I flew every few mos. from Calif. to visit and be with him in the apt. we rented right in the center of town. We sold the business two yrs. ago, but I have fond memories of our time in Princeton.
If you love your wife and she working on recovery ...give it time.
If you are both working on recovery...the outcome can be worth the effort.
Are you communicating, having some fun times and connecting ?
1st off I see you live in Princeton. MY husband bought a business there so I flew every few mos. from Calif. to visit and be with him in the apt. we rented right in the center of town. We sold the business two yrs. ago, but I have fond memories of our time in Princeton.
If you love your wife and she working on recovery ...give it time.
If you are both working on recovery...the outcome can be worth the effort.
Are you communicating, having some fun times and connecting ?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Peace:
I think it's telling that you enjoyed being alone. I mean this in a good way. If you know that you are ok alone, then you know that if you end up deciding you want to leave, you will be ok alone and you can be true to yourself. I think you pushed through the fear. So now that you know you will be ok alone, you can focus on what you really want.
When I was leaving xabf, I was overwhelmed with being alone, although I was alone in the relationship anyway. I was also overwhelmed with thinking that any choice I made had to be FOREVER. I eventually got very comfortable with being by myself, which helped me see the forest through the trees and admit that the life I had with him was not one that I wanted and I could create much better for myself.
Don't paint yourself into a corner. I understand it's hard to make a choice to stay or go, but what does your perfect picture of your life look like? Try to think of this without expectations of her because you have no control over her or anyone else. What do YOU see for YOU that YOU can do for yourself?
I think it's telling that you enjoyed being alone. I mean this in a good way. If you know that you are ok alone, then you know that if you end up deciding you want to leave, you will be ok alone and you can be true to yourself. I think you pushed through the fear. So now that you know you will be ok alone, you can focus on what you really want.
When I was leaving xabf, I was overwhelmed with being alone, although I was alone in the relationship anyway. I was also overwhelmed with thinking that any choice I made had to be FOREVER. I eventually got very comfortable with being by myself, which helped me see the forest through the trees and admit that the life I had with him was not one that I wanted and I could create much better for myself.
Don't paint yourself into a corner. I understand it's hard to make a choice to stay or go, but what does your perfect picture of your life look like? Try to think of this without expectations of her because you have no control over her or anyone else. What do YOU see for YOU that YOU can do for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Peace, and pleased to "meet" you.
I'm glad to hear that your wife is working her recovery, we don't get too many stories of recovery around here.
As far as your original question, you mentioned in another post that her drinking became a problem 5 years ago. She's been out of rehab one whole week, and your question is whether it's too late for you two.
My thought is that I can't imagine how the two of you can repair _five_ years of alcoholic damage in just one week. I was married to my ex-wife for 20 years, and if she suddenly cleaned up her act and came knocking on my door it would take me a whole lot more than one week to decide if I could trust her again.
The way I see it, trust is something that has to be _earned_ with actions. Many actions, repeatedly over a long period of time. For me, love grows from that trust. So if my wife wanted to patch it up and pretend it's all better after just one week, that would be a very definite "no" from me. I'd need to see her actions and recovery for at least a couple Christmas seasons before I even _thought_ of exposing myself to that chaos again.
I mention Christmas because that is when most alkies relapse.
Does that rehab of your wife's have a "family program"? Some of them do, and if so you could see if they have any marriage counselors you two could meet with. That might be helpful for you guys in repairing your marriage.
Those are my thoughts, see if any of that is useful to you.
Mike
I'm glad to hear that your wife is working her recovery, we don't get too many stories of recovery around here.
As far as your original question, you mentioned in another post that her drinking became a problem 5 years ago. She's been out of rehab one whole week, and your question is whether it's too late for you two.
My thought is that I can't imagine how the two of you can repair _five_ years of alcoholic damage in just one week. I was married to my ex-wife for 20 years, and if she suddenly cleaned up her act and came knocking on my door it would take me a whole lot more than one week to decide if I could trust her again.
The way I see it, trust is something that has to be _earned_ with actions. Many actions, repeatedly over a long period of time. For me, love grows from that trust. So if my wife wanted to patch it up and pretend it's all better after just one week, that would be a very definite "no" from me. I'd need to see her actions and recovery for at least a couple Christmas seasons before I even _thought_ of exposing myself to that chaos again.
I mention Christmas because that is when most alkies relapse.
Does that rehab of your wife's have a "family program"? Some of them do, and if so you could see if they have any marriage counselors you two could meet with. That might be helpful for you guys in repairing your marriage.
Those are my thoughts, see if any of that is useful to you.
Mike
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I just think it's too early and too complex to worry about a future
when you're not even comfortable in your 'now'.
If you moved out -
you could start dating again a
and over time (say another year)
see if you grow together
or farther apart.
when you're not even comfortable in your 'now'.
If you moved out -
you could start dating again a
and over time (say another year)
see if you grow together
or farther apart.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
few thoughts:
first of all, i think re-read what "learn2live" has said. it makes much sense (the INdependent part)
secondly, TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF yourself. it is very hard to do, but you don't need to make binding decisions today, or even tomorrow. if your wife is not pressuring you, that's a really good sign.
my experience --
my first husband could have decided, after years of alternating between 'dry drunk' and smoking weed, that he was going to try and be the man he was born to be, he coulda turned into bill wilson, returned to the funny man i fell in love with, and i don't think it would have been enough. too much water under the bridge, too many resentments and i just plain fell out of love. i knew that feeling was permanent.
currently, i am in the 'last chance' phase of a relationship with someone who has been my best friend for many, many years. the heart-to-heart connections are awesome, the fun we can have together, the way he touches my heart when he gets real, i could go on and on. however, he relapsed BIGTIME last year and i was so incredibly hurt (by the deceit) and it took weeks for him to get on track when he decided to get clean. i still don't know if i have it in me, much as i do care for him, to stay a couple. sometimes i feel strongly that the storms that we have weathered successfully that have made us both vulnerable and strong together, the crap that we've come out on the other side of, well, it continues to bond us - in healthy ways.
bottom line, yes, there are couples who navigate sobriety and the new life that brings to their families. there are also those who do not. some do for awhile, then relapse. if only we had a crystal ball, right?
dr. joy browne counsels people in limbo to separate for a specific period of time. discern whether you miss the other like crazy while apart, or whether you find you kinda like it.
you take your time. it sounds like your wife is in a good place at the moment. just enjoy the peace this brings.
first of all, i think re-read what "learn2live" has said. it makes much sense (the INdependent part)
secondly, TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF yourself. it is very hard to do, but you don't need to make binding decisions today, or even tomorrow. if your wife is not pressuring you, that's a really good sign.
my experience --
my first husband could have decided, after years of alternating between 'dry drunk' and smoking weed, that he was going to try and be the man he was born to be, he coulda turned into bill wilson, returned to the funny man i fell in love with, and i don't think it would have been enough. too much water under the bridge, too many resentments and i just plain fell out of love. i knew that feeling was permanent.
currently, i am in the 'last chance' phase of a relationship with someone who has been my best friend for many, many years. the heart-to-heart connections are awesome, the fun we can have together, the way he touches my heart when he gets real, i could go on and on. however, he relapsed BIGTIME last year and i was so incredibly hurt (by the deceit) and it took weeks for him to get on track when he decided to get clean. i still don't know if i have it in me, much as i do care for him, to stay a couple. sometimes i feel strongly that the storms that we have weathered successfully that have made us both vulnerable and strong together, the crap that we've come out on the other side of, well, it continues to bond us - in healthy ways.
bottom line, yes, there are couples who navigate sobriety and the new life that brings to their families. there are also those who do not. some do for awhile, then relapse. if only we had a crystal ball, right?
dr. joy browne counsels people in limbo to separate for a specific period of time. discern whether you miss the other like crazy while apart, or whether you find you kinda like it.
you take your time. it sounds like your wife is in a good place at the moment. just enjoy the peace this brings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Someone else hit the nail on the head for me. I have been married to my STBXAH for 10 years. He spent 4 months of 2009 in inpt rehab. The second 2 month span led to our separation and he went to live with his parents. (After the first 2 months: great for a couple of weeks and big relapse.) I flirted with the idea of letting him come "home" a few times, but ultimately, have stuck to my guns. The party line is "you're still sober and I'm still single in a couple years and then we'll talk." I have said it over and over and over and not wavered to him. (Lord knows I've wavered in my heart, though. No more cute romantic comedies for me for awhile!)
Bottom line, I don't trust him, and I can't believe that a freshly found couple weeks of sobriety can simply wipe away the decade of mistrust and hurt. If he finds his sobriety, great. If he's still sober and I'm still single in a couple of years, fine. But I'm not putting my life on hold for him any longer. I stood in your shoes and after a couple of months of limbo, decided to make that break. The divorce papers are filed. If I give him another chance down the road, I'll have an ironclad prenup to protect my assets and finances, although I really can't see that another "chance" will happen. We've been separated for nearly 6 months now, and it has been the most peaceful, restful, wholesome time for me. After living like this, there's no way I can let myself go back into the chaos of alcoholism. (Whether he's drinking or not right now doesn't matter, because I really don't know. Last I heard, he wasn't really working much of a program. Either way, for once, I COME FIRST.)
I know that I don't want to make it work anymore. Took me a long time to realize that. Now he swears he's going to make it work. I am having a hard time drilling it into this head that I don't want it to work, and I'm tired of it, and I want out. I have a good therapist that I've been going through this with, and she's helped me a lot.
Good luck, and may you find the peace you deserve
Bottom line, I don't trust him, and I can't believe that a freshly found couple weeks of sobriety can simply wipe away the decade of mistrust and hurt. If he finds his sobriety, great. If he's still sober and I'm still single in a couple of years, fine. But I'm not putting my life on hold for him any longer. I stood in your shoes and after a couple of months of limbo, decided to make that break. The divorce papers are filed. If I give him another chance down the road, I'll have an ironclad prenup to protect my assets and finances, although I really can't see that another "chance" will happen. We've been separated for nearly 6 months now, and it has been the most peaceful, restful, wholesome time for me. After living like this, there's no way I can let myself go back into the chaos of alcoholism. (Whether he's drinking or not right now doesn't matter, because I really don't know. Last I heard, he wasn't really working much of a program. Either way, for once, I COME FIRST.)
I know that I don't want to make it work anymore. Took me a long time to realize that. Now he swears he's going to make it work. I am having a hard time drilling it into this head that I don't want it to work, and I'm tired of it, and I want out. I have a good therapist that I've been going through this with, and she's helped me a lot.
Good luck, and may you find the peace you deserve
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 10
Thank you all very much for your input and support.
I wouldn't say my AW is "pressuring" me. We did discuss it extensively this weekend and she was less-than-thrilled with my present state of mind; she was certainly upset.
Interestingly, when I said I no longer know WHAT I want from a relationship she said everyone should go to rehab because you learn so much about yourself there (I guess she's been "enlightened").
Her rehab has couples group sessions on Mondays. We're going tomorrow. I guess I'll keep you all posted.
Thanks again.
I wouldn't say my AW is "pressuring" me. We did discuss it extensively this weekend and she was less-than-thrilled with my present state of mind; she was certainly upset.
Interestingly, when I said I no longer know WHAT I want from a relationship she said everyone should go to rehab because you learn so much about yourself there (I guess she's been "enlightened").
Her rehab has couples group sessions on Mondays. We're going tomorrow. I guess I'll keep you all posted.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
My opinion is that it is natural, upon discharge, to believe that now you get it! Like you said - she has become enlightened.
It seems like now would be the time for you to work on you and for her to see if she can sustain her enlightenment in the real world - with all its stresses and frustrations and challenges.
I don't think you have to make the big decisions right now - one day at a time, remember?
Do you and she have children together? I don't think it's nice to children to jerk them in and out of homes and security.
I think this is a situation where time will tell - for each of you.
Good luck.
It seems like now would be the time for you to work on you and for her to see if she can sustain her enlightenment in the real world - with all its stresses and frustrations and challenges.
I don't think you have to make the big decisions right now - one day at a time, remember?
Do you and she have children together? I don't think it's nice to children to jerk them in and out of homes and security.
I think this is a situation where time will tell - for each of you.
Good luck.
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