coyote21

Well once again spring break is upon us. A beautiful, long awaited, well deserved, week long break for both of us from the very satisfying, albeit, relentless parent/child relationship. Ahhhhh, thank you HP and Maw-Maw.

Lately, for the last month or so, LMC's behavior, which is ....um, shall we say spirited, has really seemed to kind of come around. Not like in a "welp, we've finally broken THIS ones spirit", kind of way. I'd never want that. More of a "she's finally understanding 'when' she can get away with her stuff". Oh, and her "stuff" is usually just excessive talking, which I'd way sooner her have than my childhood shyness.

Any way, last night she went off and threw a little mini-tantrum over some little seemingly insignificant thing, but apologized while in her bath. I cut her some slack and all was well. Then as soon as she got out she went off again so I said I was done and to go on to bed (about an hour early).

Ten or so minutes later she called me in for a hug and to say she was sorry again. I asked her what was going on, this was kind of out of character "considering her new efforts to behave".

She said, "Haven't you noticed how right before I go down to Maw-Maw's I always throw some fits and tantrums"?

I said I guess so, but why do you do that?

She said, "Have to get it all out before I go down there".

Huh?

She went on to explain that she didn't want to "fit" in front of Maw-Maw, but that she was O.K., in fact she was supposed to fit in front of me, 'cause I was her Dad.

Thanks...... I think.

Since I seem to have lost the instruction manual for this kid, would some of you care to shed some light on this for me? Thanks in advance.

BTW, Maw-Maw is a raging, untreated codie.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

GiveLove

And Little Miss Coyote is one smart young pup. She's figured all this out for herself, huh? For some reason I'm just smiling really hard about all of this. I'm sorry...I know you're honestly looking for advice here and I'm not helping but she just sounds so SMART and I love smart, spirited young girls (having been the smart, terrified, withdrawn type myself)

I'm sure some parents will chime in with REAL help....... Sounds like you're handling her well from my inexperienced perspective anyway!!!

LaTeeDa

OMG, you've just brought back a memory for me. When my son was in Kindergarten, he was having a tantrum at home and when it was over, I asked him "what happens when you act like that at school, or at daycare?" He said "I don't act like that at school or at daycare, they don't allow it."

Heeheehee.

Guess I'm the one that learned a little lesson, huh? I love your parenting stories Coyote.

L

qwe

We experienced something similar when our kids were younger ... we were told they were angels during the day but I had my hands full with very temperemental girls in the evenings. What I found in doing some research is that often kids "hold things together" in environments where they do not feel fully comfortable/are a little stressed. However, that takes a toll on them, and then all the stress from restraining their behaviour needs to be released in a safe environment ... at home. Maybe your girl is doing it in reverse? She feels more comfortable/safer/more completely accepted with you vs Maw-Maw, so she's preparing. Perhaps Maw-Maw is not as tolerant of emotional highs/lows as you?

Pretty neat that she notices it herself, though. Could she be worried about something wrt Maw-Maw?

coyote21

Thanks guys, GL she is soooooo smart and sooooo spirited and I am sooooo proud to be her Dad!

And LTD, "They don't allow it"....too funny, they do teach us so much don't they!

qwe,

However, that takes a toll on them, and then all the stress from restraining their behaviour needs to be released in a safe environment ... at home.

That's kind of what I was figuring too.

Bless her heart, I told her she ALWAYS gets to come home, she said NOT always. Said what about those 5 months when she was only 5yrs old and CPS made her stay down there and she couldn't come home.

I promised her that would never happen again, but she's been damaged by that experience.

The CPS people told me after it was all said and done, that they'd of let her stay at home with me if her mom would of left the home. My axw lied to me about that so she could stay and keep drinking....threw her own 5yo kid under the bus for alcohol.

When you are 5 years old, 5 months would be the equivalent of around 5 years to a grown up. Five years with out your bed, your cat, your room, your stuff.

I know she loves her gmaw, and I know they don't mistreat her in any way, or she wouldn't get to go, but she is so conflicted. I've always tried not to lay any crap on her about me missing her or anything like that, trying not to "codie" her, or in any way guilt her for wanting to go. Or interfere with "their" time with her.

Maybe she's afraid I don't miss her? IDK.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

ItsmeAlice

My dad was in the Navy and deployed 6 mos out of every year. I remember him telling me he was going to miss me, but that he was okay with it. I was little and distraught at his leaving and couldn't imagine why he would think being away was a good thing.

He told me how hearing all our stories and seeing all the new things we'd learned in school was so much fun and that coming home again after a long time away was something he would never get tired of doing.

He was probably full of it, of course but it stuck with me for two reasons.

1) I knew he missed me as much as I missed him when he was away, though as a kid I was tortured with the thought that he left because of something I did and..

2) It told me it was okay to miss him and also okay to have fun and do well in school so I could tell him all about it when he came home.

Maybe LMC would find comfort in hearing the same kind of thing from her dad.

Hugs,
Alice

coyote21

You know, she just did! Thanks Alice.

The collective wisdom on this board never ceases to amaze me.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

posiesperson

coyote,

My kids have gone through this when they visit the parents of their Dad--their paternal gramma is an ACOA with rage issues, just below the surface IMHO. My kids have always picked up on it and when they'd come home to ME (not their Dad's) they would fight, act out, all kinds of things they DON'T typically do. It took years to figure it out, tell them my observations...now they say they "don't know why" they feel that way when they come home, but have accepted that that environment has an impact on them. When it starts to creep in, I ask, "Hmmmmm...wonder why this is coming up? Can you think about how you're feeling right now and talk about that?" We've come a long way with this approach.

Thanks for posting this, and congrats on being such a gentle and loving dad to your kiddo.

SeekingBalance

This just warmed my heart. The clear and resounding thought after reading this was:

"She feels safe with you." That is a beautiful thing. It actually made my heart hurt a little, still wishing I felt safe with my parents when I was a child.

Couple examples from my experience.

As a child I went over to my Great Aunt & Uncle's house once a week. They were open, loving, I was their focus, and I could do no wrong. There was no discipline, but there was so much love. I went home to an unloving home that was all about discipline. Moving from one extreme (and I mean EXTREME) to the other was very confusing. I remember one night at home after a night at my Aunt's, instead of saying "please pass the milk", I simply yelled out "MILK!!!". I am still teased and belittled about this at least once a year by my family at gatherings and I am almost 40. Makes me laugh now as a parent.

With my daughter, who is almost 18, there was zero tolerance for tantrums. Didn't mean she didn't have them, especially between the ages of 2 and 5. But I did promote communicating in a healthy, calm way. I want to hear what she has to say, but my issues carried over from my childhood made it impossible for me to deal with screaming and crying. I felt bad about that at times because I feel that I was repressing her. When she turned 6 we sat down and had a chat about how we would communicate and my expectations around that and we really haven't had a problem since. She tells me things that most kids don't tell their parents. But at the same time she clearly knows her boundaries and my authority is rarely if ever questioned. I feel we have really found a wonderful balance between parenting and friends. Sounds almost unrealistic and braggadocios - I consider it pure luck.

I am new here and don't know the age of your daughter, but since you were involved in her bath and sent her to bed an hour early - I would have to say pre-puberty. At that age to see so clearly her own behaviors - I am STUNNED. Very smart and very observant. The fact she is open with you about it says a LOT about your parenting. Sounds like you are a very lucky man.

SeekingBalance

coyote21

SeekingBalance, very kind words. Thank you.

LMC (Little Miss Coyote) is now 8 years old. Her mom and I divorced 3 years ago. I was gifted sole custody of her when she was 5 and I was.......wait for it......55.

I am very grateful to be waking up under the same roof with her, and stayed with her mom WAY past "leaving time" to that end. Apparently God was watching.


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Freedom1990

I remember the day my granddaughter sat next to me in my home, sobbing uncontrollably over the pain she was experiencing in her life at the time.

I told her she would always have a 'safe' place to come to if she needed.

Sometimes the gifts that my recovery has given me just take my breath away.

It sounds like your recovery has been just as blessed and full too, Coyote! :ghug3

MissFixit

Hey Coyote,

I have no parenting advice...this statement makes me laugh as I have no kids. However, I do have a parenting question. As a man, was it hard to have a child at 50?

Miss

wicked

She said, "Have to get it all out before I go down there".




emotional intelligence? i say emotional genius! what a great job you are doing dad.

coyote21

The stretch marks were harder to get rid of at 50. J/K.

Seriously though, my wife was 18 years younger and when we'd married, me at 44 and she at 26 neither of us wanted kids. Her bio-clock went off, against her will, and to be perfectly honest, I agreed thinking she'd sober up if we had a kid.

I've since read the same thing on this forum over and over, and I can promise you, it doesn't work.

I was actually 49 when LMC was born, and I like to brag that it only took ONE try. I was always in pretty good shape, and apparently my swimmers were too!

So my daddying experience didn't start out with the most honorable of intentions, but I can honestly say that I fell hopelessly in love with LMC long before she was born.

I used to talk to her every night while she was still in her moms tummy. When she was delivered they handed her to me and she was squalling bloody murder and the bright lights were in her eyes and she had her little face all scrunched up.

I had her on my lap and cupped one hand over her face to shield her eyes and started talking to her and I swear she immediately stopped fussing and looked right into my eyes, like "hey I know that voice, you're my dad". Ha!

That's one of her favorite bedtime stories.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Impurrfect

((Coyote)) - I absolutely LOVE to hear the things that LMC comes up with and I think you're an awesome dad. I'm sure I'm just one of the people here who includes you both in her nightly prayers.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

coyote21

I swear not a day goes by that I don't just watch her when she's doing her own thing and doesn't know I'm watching and I'm practically moved to tears in awe of her.

Every one who knows her says she's special somehow, and I tend to agree. There's something burning inside of her, I can't explain. And I know it's not just 'cause I'm her dad, because too many other people comment on/see it too.

Then I think about all this that her mom gave up just to drink, if I live to be 100 I'll never "get it". Luckily I know I don't have to "get it" any more.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

MissFixit

Thanks.

Do you think maybe you have more patience as an older parent? Maybe are able to see things differently as you had extra adult years of "you time."

I don't mean to be too nosey, I don't know many older new parents and I have questions. I wonder from a man's perspective about having kids later in life.

You sound really cool with things and not to stressed or worked up.

coyote21

I'm a way better dad NOW, because in my 20's or 30's I'd of just run, so I'm here and determined to get her reared.

Patience is NOT my long suit, and I pray daily for more of it. I must also add, LMC is NOT an "easy child", as they say. She is very high maintenance. So, it is fortunate for the BOTH of us that I'm older.

I've learned through Alanon to turn a lot of stuff, and her, over to HP when I start to get overwhelmed. It ALWAYS makes things with her better, like instantly overnight.

This whole HP thing was the best kept secret from me for 55 years. I feel VERY blessed. BTW, 50 is the new 40! Ha!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Learn2Live

Thanks for sharing Coyote. I did not find my HP till very recently (after age 40) so I appreciated reading your share. I am actually still working on that, still a little shaky, but have done enough to realize there really IS something to this HP thing!

Jadmack25

I had my girls close together, eldest was 3 yrs 6months old when my youngest was born, so I was busy. I got comments from kindy and school about how good they all were, quiet, polite, willing and helpful and wondered if the teachers had got mine mixed up with someone elses.
From the minute the door opened after school, it was mayhem.
Quiet? HA!! Polite? HA HA!! Willing and helpful??? HA HA HA!!!! (JAD just had hysterics).

I asked one of the teachers finally "You are talking about C, not some other kid?"

She said it was quite normal for children to be this way, IF they felt loved and comfortable at home, as they totally relaxed after a pent up day in school.

WHOOPDY DOO!!! So they drive me nuts because they love me, and can relax with me?

I even threatened my eldest with the mum's curse. "May you have a daughter who is exactly like you".
She has a daughter...who is a joy and not given 1 single moments worry in 26 years.

Life is NOT FAIR,

Congrats to you Coyote for your little lady's vote of confidence and love in you.
I have called you Dad of the year before, and this proves me right.

God bless