just want to share my story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2
just want to share my story
I am still feeling confused and cant find the strength to accept my decision. I am feeling free now and trying to stay positive but , it is extremely hard and I am scared so much.
Here is my story:
Since I remember myself I grew up in at first sight normal family…others will say a perfect family. Happy married man and wife and two lovely daughters. But the problems is that this is from outside. From inside it is a dark and really lovely place. Since 22 years ago when I was born, something happen in my mother brain..she says hormones or smth like this…and she became sick and started to have psychological problems. Since then she had to go under surgery in order to put an artificial bone in her right leg. This was the reason for her to retired and since then she stays at home. During the years she started to fall into depression, she started to drink when I was 4-10 yeas old. I had a terrible childhood, but then I was little and my father and my sister tried to protect me. Since I remember my self I have always had to do stuffs on my own. No one help me in school or with my teen problems, I didn’t have a normal mother so I can talk to her. Since I was 10 thing started to change. My mom totally tried to concentrate on me. I didn’t let her be my friend because I was scared to trust her. I didn’t feel the warm mother- daughter relationship..maybe because I didn’t see it when I was little. So until I was 18 my mom was let say normal, she took her medicine and they keep her on the right track.
But in school I was really ambitious and I realised my potentials, I wanted to see cultures, other worlds. So I decided to go and study abroad. Since I left I thought I am doing my first steps In life, independently and I was excited. But almost 3 years left and I am feeling so guilty that I left my mom and I regret my decisions. I cant enjoy the moment, the most beautiful years of my life as a student because since I left my mom started to drink again. I had almost every night a phone call from her and I listen to her crying and she was drunk.
My mom had always told me that I am the best thing happening to her and she didn’t regret giving birth to me. But when she go drunk she started to tell me the same stories from her life, constantly blaming my father and sister and the worst is she is always telling..this happen when u were born or I started drinking when you left. I am filled with constant guilt and I cant run away from it.
I have so much dreams and I can achieve them. I am smart and most of my friends are telling me that I have a lot of potential, but I cant let myself move on, because I am scared for my mother and my family. Drinking every night, she is getting really wild and that affect my father too. My mother blames him for everything, but I can’t. He had never left her; he was always doing the right stuff in the sake of the children. I can see that now he is so tired and he is in the way to get a nervous breakdown and this bring more guilt to me.
I am graduating now and I am supposed to get a job and a master, but I decided to go back to my country and stay for a while with my mom. I will try to help her, but I am scared that nothing positive will turn out. After all for 22 years neither her physiatrist nor someone else had helped her. I am so scared. I made the decisions, but I am scared of what the future will bring. All my friends are doing the stuff I wanted to do, they move on with their lives and make decisions that depend only on them, nothing brings them to the past. I know I am doing a good thing trying to help her, but I am scared that I wont be able to bear it….mentally. I am positive person, always trying to find good in people, to find the good side of the problems or the situation, always trying to make other people happy, putting them in front of me. I had numerous cases that I feel so screwed, and I know in these cases it wasn’t my friends’ fault but anyway I got mad at them, because the thing didn’t turn out to be the way I wanted. At such moments I get pissed with myself and I get depressed. I feel as a outcast and it is hard to me to get emotionally connected to others. I had never had a boyfriends, because I am scared of being hurt.
I wanted to put my feeling in writing, so I can express them and hope someone else will read it.
Thank you for reading
Here is my story:
Since I remember myself I grew up in at first sight normal family…others will say a perfect family. Happy married man and wife and two lovely daughters. But the problems is that this is from outside. From inside it is a dark and really lovely place. Since 22 years ago when I was born, something happen in my mother brain..she says hormones or smth like this…and she became sick and started to have psychological problems. Since then she had to go under surgery in order to put an artificial bone in her right leg. This was the reason for her to retired and since then she stays at home. During the years she started to fall into depression, she started to drink when I was 4-10 yeas old. I had a terrible childhood, but then I was little and my father and my sister tried to protect me. Since I remember my self I have always had to do stuffs on my own. No one help me in school or with my teen problems, I didn’t have a normal mother so I can talk to her. Since I was 10 thing started to change. My mom totally tried to concentrate on me. I didn’t let her be my friend because I was scared to trust her. I didn’t feel the warm mother- daughter relationship..maybe because I didn’t see it when I was little. So until I was 18 my mom was let say normal, she took her medicine and they keep her on the right track.
But in school I was really ambitious and I realised my potentials, I wanted to see cultures, other worlds. So I decided to go and study abroad. Since I left I thought I am doing my first steps In life, independently and I was excited. But almost 3 years left and I am feeling so guilty that I left my mom and I regret my decisions. I cant enjoy the moment, the most beautiful years of my life as a student because since I left my mom started to drink again. I had almost every night a phone call from her and I listen to her crying and she was drunk.
My mom had always told me that I am the best thing happening to her and she didn’t regret giving birth to me. But when she go drunk she started to tell me the same stories from her life, constantly blaming my father and sister and the worst is she is always telling..this happen when u were born or I started drinking when you left. I am filled with constant guilt and I cant run away from it.
I have so much dreams and I can achieve them. I am smart and most of my friends are telling me that I have a lot of potential, but I cant let myself move on, because I am scared for my mother and my family. Drinking every night, she is getting really wild and that affect my father too. My mother blames him for everything, but I can’t. He had never left her; he was always doing the right stuff in the sake of the children. I can see that now he is so tired and he is in the way to get a nervous breakdown and this bring more guilt to me.
I am graduating now and I am supposed to get a job and a master, but I decided to go back to my country and stay for a while with my mom. I will try to help her, but I am scared that nothing positive will turn out. After all for 22 years neither her physiatrist nor someone else had helped her. I am so scared. I made the decisions, but I am scared of what the future will bring. All my friends are doing the stuff I wanted to do, they move on with their lives and make decisions that depend only on them, nothing brings them to the past. I know I am doing a good thing trying to help her, but I am scared that I wont be able to bear it….mentally. I am positive person, always trying to find good in people, to find the good side of the problems or the situation, always trying to make other people happy, putting them in front of me. I had numerous cases that I feel so screwed, and I know in these cases it wasn’t my friends’ fault but anyway I got mad at them, because the thing didn’t turn out to be the way I wanted. At such moments I get pissed with myself and I get depressed. I feel as a outcast and it is hard to me to get emotionally connected to others. I had never had a boyfriends, because I am scared of being hurt.
I wanted to put my feeling in writing, so I can express them and hope someone else will read it.
Thank you for reading
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You will find support for yourself here and lots of information.
When dealing with a loved ones alcoholism,it helps me to remember the 3 C's of addicition:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
I had to step back and allow the alcoholic to live their own life on their own terms. It is called detaching with love. I learned more about detaching with love by attending Alanon meetings and reading here at SR.
Let us know how we can help you.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You will find support for yourself here and lots of information.
When dealing with a loved ones alcoholism,it helps me to remember the 3 C's of addicition:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
I had to step back and allow the alcoholic to live their own life on their own terms. It is called detaching with love. I learned more about detaching with love by attending Alanon meetings and reading here at SR.
Let us know how we can help you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Welcome to SR. I am very sorry this has happened in your life. I also grew up with one alcoholic parent. I was also fortunate or blessed enough to have one sober parent. When I was in my twenties, I finally discovered that growing up in an alcoholic home had caused me problems in my life. I also carried a lot of guilt around with me, wanted to fix the alcoholic parent, and became a perfectionist and an idealist. These and other issues that resulted from growing up in an alcoholic home carried over into my other personal relationships.
It is very good that you have recognized your guilt and that it is driving you in your decision to halt your education and career in order to return home to help your mother. Those of us who are adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) characteristically are super-responsible, especially for the alcoholic. It would be good for you to read a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. There you may learn more about yourself, why you are this way, and things you may do to change, if that is what you would like to do.
It takes great courage to come to a different country to live and learn and I have great respect and admiration for you for that. It also takes great courage to reach out and share your story as you have done. Continue to read and share, and see how you are similar to people here. But also ask yourself, while you are learning about yourself, what do you hope to accomplish for your mother by returning home?
Take care of yourself. Remember, if you do not put your SELF first and take care of your own needs before everyone else's, you will not be able to help ANYONE.
It is very good that you have recognized your guilt and that it is driving you in your decision to halt your education and career in order to return home to help your mother. Those of us who are adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) characteristically are super-responsible, especially for the alcoholic. It would be good for you to read a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. There you may learn more about yourself, why you are this way, and things you may do to change, if that is what you would like to do.
It takes great courage to come to a different country to live and learn and I have great respect and admiration for you for that. It also takes great courage to reach out and share your story as you have done. Continue to read and share, and see how you are similar to people here. But also ask yourself, while you are learning about yourself, what do you hope to accomplish for your mother by returning home?
Take care of yourself. Remember, if you do not put your SELF first and take care of your own needs before everyone else's, you will not be able to help ANYONE.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
I'm so glad you found this site, beingStrong. There's a lot of wisdom and support here.
I agree with LearntoLive and Pelican that it might help to explore information about ACOAs (adult children of alcoholics). Years ago when I was sorting out my feelings about an alcoholic parent, I learned by going to therapy and reading the Melody Beattie book. Now that I have 2 "new" alcoholics in my life, I've been learning by reading other people's stories here on SoberRecover, going to AlAnon, and by googling information about how alcoholism affects families. Do you know about AlAnon meetings?
Welcome to SR, beingStrong.
1234
I agree with LearntoLive and Pelican that it might help to explore information about ACOAs (adult children of alcoholics). Years ago when I was sorting out my feelings about an alcoholic parent, I learned by going to therapy and reading the Melody Beattie book. Now that I have 2 "new" alcoholics in my life, I've been learning by reading other people's stories here on SoberRecover, going to AlAnon, and by googling information about how alcoholism affects families. Do you know about AlAnon meetings?
Welcome to SR, beingStrong.
1234
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Dear beingStrong, welcome.
You have used a name that describes you very well, as you try being Strong for your mum, and consider holding back your life and education to return home to her.
I do so feel for you, being torn between what you want for your future and what your mum has been in the past. It is a loving act that you are thinking of doing to help make your mum feel better, but I wonder if it may not be a sacrifice you make, with no real benefit to her and at great cost to yourself.
Unfortunately people who have a mental illness, are depressed and also have an alcohol problem can play on the feelings of love, pity, guilt and family duty out of selfishness, and I have been involved in it myself.
Watching my neice sacrifice 2 years of her university life in England, to return home and "help" her mum through depression and alcoholism, was a terribly hard experience.
By the time the 2 years was up, my neice had realised that mum had made NO effort herself, and was no better off for the sacrifice.
I do not say that your mother is like my sister, God forbid, but I give warning that you may find you have sacrificed your future to your mum's illness and addiction, and that there may be only regret for this act.
I agree with LearntoLive, 1234 and Pelican that it might help to get information about ACOA's, reading Melody Beattie's books on co-dependancy, attending Alanon, posting here on SR, and perhaps see a therapist. This, before you make a definite decision as to giving up your studies and moving home to be with your mum, or not doing so.
May I suggest you keep in contact with your mum, dad and sister, but finish your studies...then return home and take it from there.
God bless
You have used a name that describes you very well, as you try being Strong for your mum, and consider holding back your life and education to return home to her.
I do so feel for you, being torn between what you want for your future and what your mum has been in the past. It is a loving act that you are thinking of doing to help make your mum feel better, but I wonder if it may not be a sacrifice you make, with no real benefit to her and at great cost to yourself.
Unfortunately people who have a mental illness, are depressed and also have an alcohol problem can play on the feelings of love, pity, guilt and family duty out of selfishness, and I have been involved in it myself.
Watching my neice sacrifice 2 years of her university life in England, to return home and "help" her mum through depression and alcoholism, was a terribly hard experience.
By the time the 2 years was up, my neice had realised that mum had made NO effort herself, and was no better off for the sacrifice.
I do not say that your mother is like my sister, God forbid, but I give warning that you may find you have sacrificed your future to your mum's illness and addiction, and that there may be only regret for this act.
I agree with LearntoLive, 1234 and Pelican that it might help to get information about ACOA's, reading Melody Beattie's books on co-dependancy, attending Alanon, posting here on SR, and perhaps see a therapist. This, before you make a definite decision as to giving up your studies and moving home to be with your mum, or not doing so.
May I suggest you keep in contact with your mum, dad and sister, but finish your studies...then return home and take it from there.
God bless
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
BeingStrong, you said:
"I am still feeling confused and cant find the strength to accept my decision. I am feeling free now and trying to stay positive but , it is extremely hard and I am scared so much."
Do you know what exactly is confusing you?
Do you know what you are scared of?
What causes you to feel free? Do you want to feel free? Or something else?
"I am still feeling confused and cant find the strength to accept my decision. I am feeling free now and trying to stay positive but , it is extremely hard and I am scared so much."
Do you know what exactly is confusing you?
Do you know what you are scared of?
What causes you to feel free? Do you want to feel free? Or something else?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2
Hi everyone,
I am sorry that it took me so long to answer you, but i was a little bit busy recently. I want to thank you so much for your support and even reading your post helped me to feel better (hugs).
First of all I want to thank you for your advice for the book of Melody Beattie, I will definitely try to find her and read it.
Learn2live... here are some of the answers to your questions.
I am feeling free, because i decided to go back home. I finally make that decision, not for anyone else but for me, because i think helping my mom, i think i can calm myself. I mean i can have some peace, that even thought nothing may happen and my mom doesn't get better, at least i will know that i tried.
At the same time this is what i am scared about...that nothing will happen and my mom will not get better.
I feel so much different feelings everyday. And there is my confusion... I just dont know which feeling to concentrate on, which are the real feelings.
I communicate with my mom almost everyday, and I can tell when she is drinking or she is sober, when she is felling down or is better. But these situations are changing so fast and I am doubting my decision all the time.
I am sure about one thing...and that is my main argument for my decision...my mother is feeling better with me and i have to try to help her. I know in this way I will give some tranquillity to my sister and father. I know that nothing may happen but at least i tried...I am just scared i wont find strength to go on with my life. I have to find ways to preserve myself and to stay with clear mind.
Thank you so much for your support. I will be going home in one month
I am sorry that it took me so long to answer you, but i was a little bit busy recently. I want to thank you so much for your support and even reading your post helped me to feel better (hugs).
First of all I want to thank you for your advice for the book of Melody Beattie, I will definitely try to find her and read it.
Learn2live... here are some of the answers to your questions.
I am feeling free, because i decided to go back home. I finally make that decision, not for anyone else but for me, because i think helping my mom, i think i can calm myself. I mean i can have some peace, that even thought nothing may happen and my mom doesn't get better, at least i will know that i tried.
At the same time this is what i am scared about...that nothing will happen and my mom will not get better.
I feel so much different feelings everyday. And there is my confusion... I just dont know which feeling to concentrate on, which are the real feelings.
I communicate with my mom almost everyday, and I can tell when she is drinking or she is sober, when she is felling down or is better. But these situations are changing so fast and I am doubting my decision all the time.
I am sure about one thing...and that is my main argument for my decision...my mother is feeling better with me and i have to try to help her. I know in this way I will give some tranquillity to my sister and father. I know that nothing may happen but at least i tried...I am just scared i wont find strength to go on with my life. I have to find ways to preserve myself and to stay with clear mind.
Thank you so much for your support. I will be going home in one month
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I know that nothing may happen but at least i tried...I am just scared i wont find strength to go on with my life. I have to find ways to preserve myself and to stay with clear mind.
I STRONGLY advise you to go to Al-Anon and begin learning the tools you will need to live and deal with a person in active alcoholism. I advise you begin actively working the Steps. I also advise you to learn all you can about the disease model of alcoholism. Your local library should have some books on this topic.
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