Please send prayers, try not to judge
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Please send prayers, try not to judge
HI.
I am about to embark on another trial basis thing with my A
I have been broke this winter, my car was stolen, had to buy a new one, down graded to a smaller place, and finally got a part time job, with VERY few hours per week til business picks up in the spring...
It is the 1st of March tomorrow, and I do not have even CLOSE to the $700 needed for rent. Utilities will be coming due in another week, and the cable has been shut off. My best friend has paid my phone bill last 3 months. I havent even budgeted for gas and food. My sons school is allowing him to continue on there, bless their hearts, in spite of the fact that I owe them more than $750 in tuition.
I am making small steps to get back on track, but...I cannot do it alone. I have been really struggling with the winter, with depression, with binge eating and smoking too many cigarettes. This little job took so long to get. It was still a major victory for me.
My sons Alcoholic dad just lost his living arrangement-his room mate is moving, and he has to find a place or pay all the rent himself. HE lost about 10 days of work this month due to the snow mass, and he cannot afford the new apartment costs, with 1st, last and security. HE will lose his job if he does not have a place to live.
ONCE AGAIN, I am in a situation where I have no choice but to have him move in. HE has been begging every day, between arguments. I was holding my ground. I finally went to my mother to borrow money. She was angry. She said sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. She said buck up and deal with it. My mother reminded me that these are tough times for everyone economically, and she reminded me of how long it took me to get this measly job. There just is not a lot out there.
My friends all reluctantly agreed, that, even if it is not the best case scenario, that he could pay the rent here, then when things get more settled, he could get another place, my job outlook may brighten... it is a temporary arrangement, and we are both stuck without it...
One friend called and offered to loan me $800. He is an older man. I know he is interested in me romantically, and I do not feel the same. I had to turn down the money. He is a real friend, and he does not want me to have to risk being emotionally battered again. I cannot accept the money, and then feel indebted to him. I just can't because he wants more than friendship.
I met with A this afternoon, and gave him a copy of a set of guidelines I had set forth. I was not mean, or sarcastic. He played receptive and respectful, and swore up and down that he would not mess up this time.
He did not say he would not drink. He said he would own his issues, take more responsibility for our childs day to day, and try not to project anger and frustation on to me in abusive ways.
He said he would honor the schedule and household routine that I have established. He said, meow, meow, meow...
I know he is gonna mess up, and I am prepared for it. I just do not want to be blatantly abused again.
I cannot believe that I am in this situation. I am going to have to try to make the best out of it.
I am really going to be mindful of my detachment, and stay on point as to when he is projecting.
I have also started taking my son to a child counselor to talk through any apprehensions he has, about his father, his tumor, his failing vision as a result of it.
The counselor already asked him about his dad, and my son said,
"he is really fun, and we love him, but sometimes I just have to remember that he says things then he does not do them, but that does not have to mess up our day. It is his problem, not mine or mamas."
I felt so proud,and, yet, so sad that my 5 year old has to think that much about it.
Well, he will be coming here tomorrow after work. I agreed on the month of MArch, with the right to boost him out if he does not abide by the guidelines.
Send me good thoughts. My wish is that I can stay safe, sane, not allow my creative plans to be derailed...and perhaps even be a little happy.
As they say in the movies, "Cover me, I'm going in..."
I am about to embark on another trial basis thing with my A
I have been broke this winter, my car was stolen, had to buy a new one, down graded to a smaller place, and finally got a part time job, with VERY few hours per week til business picks up in the spring...
It is the 1st of March tomorrow, and I do not have even CLOSE to the $700 needed for rent. Utilities will be coming due in another week, and the cable has been shut off. My best friend has paid my phone bill last 3 months. I havent even budgeted for gas and food. My sons school is allowing him to continue on there, bless their hearts, in spite of the fact that I owe them more than $750 in tuition.
I am making small steps to get back on track, but...I cannot do it alone. I have been really struggling with the winter, with depression, with binge eating and smoking too many cigarettes. This little job took so long to get. It was still a major victory for me.
My sons Alcoholic dad just lost his living arrangement-his room mate is moving, and he has to find a place or pay all the rent himself. HE lost about 10 days of work this month due to the snow mass, and he cannot afford the new apartment costs, with 1st, last and security. HE will lose his job if he does not have a place to live.
ONCE AGAIN, I am in a situation where I have no choice but to have him move in. HE has been begging every day, between arguments. I was holding my ground. I finally went to my mother to borrow money. She was angry. She said sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. She said buck up and deal with it. My mother reminded me that these are tough times for everyone economically, and she reminded me of how long it took me to get this measly job. There just is not a lot out there.
My friends all reluctantly agreed, that, even if it is not the best case scenario, that he could pay the rent here, then when things get more settled, he could get another place, my job outlook may brighten... it is a temporary arrangement, and we are both stuck without it...
One friend called and offered to loan me $800. He is an older man. I know he is interested in me romantically, and I do not feel the same. I had to turn down the money. He is a real friend, and he does not want me to have to risk being emotionally battered again. I cannot accept the money, and then feel indebted to him. I just can't because he wants more than friendship.
I met with A this afternoon, and gave him a copy of a set of guidelines I had set forth. I was not mean, or sarcastic. He played receptive and respectful, and swore up and down that he would not mess up this time.
He did not say he would not drink. He said he would own his issues, take more responsibility for our childs day to day, and try not to project anger and frustation on to me in abusive ways.
He said he would honor the schedule and household routine that I have established. He said, meow, meow, meow...
I know he is gonna mess up, and I am prepared for it. I just do not want to be blatantly abused again.
I cannot believe that I am in this situation. I am going to have to try to make the best out of it.
I am really going to be mindful of my detachment, and stay on point as to when he is projecting.
I have also started taking my son to a child counselor to talk through any apprehensions he has, about his father, his tumor, his failing vision as a result of it.
The counselor already asked him about his dad, and my son said,
"he is really fun, and we love him, but sometimes I just have to remember that he says things then he does not do them, but that does not have to mess up our day. It is his problem, not mine or mamas."
I felt so proud,and, yet, so sad that my 5 year old has to think that much about it.
Well, he will be coming here tomorrow after work. I agreed on the month of MArch, with the right to boost him out if he does not abide by the guidelines.
Send me good thoughts. My wish is that I can stay safe, sane, not allow my creative plans to be derailed...and perhaps even be a little happy.
As they say in the movies, "Cover me, I'm going in..."
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
We are covering you my friend......nothing to add in the way of advise at this stage but know that we care and keep posting.
Hopefully those with experience of similar will be along shortly to offer you some advise and encouragement.
Thinking of you....hugs Phiz
Hopefully those with experience of similar will be along shortly to offer you some advise and encouragement.
Thinking of you....hugs Phiz
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Your friend who wants to loan you the money for your own place -
what if you were to sit down and speak frankly about having no intentions or attractions what so ever for him, and see if he stillwants tohelp you out? This takes courage, I know - but you're going to havwe to find some somewhere, from what i've read here. This might now be HIS bottom - but it's got to be close to YOUR bottom.
This fella might loan you the money anyhow - and you can write up an agreement between you if you think that would keep thinkg platonic even more securely. It's just a suggestion.
Men often wait for women to get into 'predicaments' so they can 'help' and then demand or pressure for sex.
it's the oldest form of banking in the world.
what if you were to sit down and speak frankly about having no intentions or attractions what so ever for him, and see if he stillwants tohelp you out? This takes courage, I know - but you're going to havwe to find some somewhere, from what i've read here. This might now be HIS bottom - but it's got to be close to YOUR bottom.
This fella might loan you the money anyhow - and you can write up an agreement between you if you think that would keep thinkg platonic even more securely. It's just a suggestion.
Men often wait for women to get into 'predicaments' so they can 'help' and then demand or pressure for sex.
it's the oldest form of banking in the world.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
ONCE AGAIN, I am in a situation where I have no choice but to have him move in.
I'm not criticizing your choice. You will do whatever you think you need to do. But, admitting that it is a choice takes you out of the victim role and puts you in charge of your own life.
L
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
LaTeeDa has a good point -
And not necessarily one
that you're going to manage
to finish or complete like .... in an hour.
We have to learn to stop ourselves at the precise moment
throughout the day
where we 'automatically' think as a victim
and make our choices accordingly.
If that isn't the MAIN thing
it's really close to it.
It took me YEARS go get that through my thick head.
I am STILL struggling with it.
And not necessarily one
that you're going to manage
to finish or complete like .... in an hour.
We have to learn to stop ourselves at the precise moment
throughout the day
where we 'automatically' think as a victim
and make our choices accordingly.
If that isn't the MAIN thing
it's really close to it.
It took me YEARS go get that through my thick head.
I am STILL struggling with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Yes, it is the choice I am making.
You are right, and I definitely see that victim consciousness takes my power away.
I guess my attempt at preserving my power is in the act of setting forth boundaries, being more conscious of his capacity for projection than I have ever been before, and looking at the situation as an opportunity to shore up my will to really keep on keeping on in my plan to become financially independent again.
I thank you for your feed back.
You are right, and I definitely see that victim consciousness takes my power away.
I guess my attempt at preserving my power is in the act of setting forth boundaries, being more conscious of his capacity for projection than I have ever been before, and looking at the situation as an opportunity to shore up my will to really keep on keeping on in my plan to become financially independent again.
I thank you for your feed back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
My sons Alcoholic dad just lost his living arrangement-his room mate is moving, and he has to find a place or pay all the rent himself. HE lost about 10 days of work this month due to the snow mass, and he cannot afford the new apartment costs, with 1st, last and security. HE will lose his job if he does not have a place to live.
Are there any other choices here for you?
Is there a sober person who could move in to share expences?
Even a sober stranger may be less turbulance than your AP.
Lots of cyber hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
no judgement, we all make our own paths, this is your life to lead and I have no opinion on your choices.
I'm sure you are exhausted and have thought this up-side down, from an outsiders perspective some things to consider (if you havn't already) might be:
I don't want you to answer me as its none of my business, just think about them. Good luck what ever you decide, I hope it goes well!
either way, what help are you getting for you?
have you tried accessing support groups that help with your son's type of tumour? They may have counselling options that you could access, does the hospital that he attends have any counselling/support groups (free?).
You mention smoking too many cigarettes and binge eating, you're beyond stressed, and this is how you are coping (I've done both) but both of these things carry a financial burden, there are charities that can help you stop both of these behaviours (I'm not getting at you for smoking or binge eating, they are both innocuous coping strategies in the short term, but if you want to one day tackle them, now is as good a time to start to get information on what help there is around once you can cope with changing them).
Get some budgeting help (I know this sounds fatuous), there will be things that you can do to lower your outgoings, cable is a luxury, a phone on contract rather than pay as you use (not sure what the american term for it would be) is a luxury,
Is there anything else you can do to supplement your income?
I'm sure you are exhausted and have thought this up-side down, from an outsiders perspective some things to consider (if you havn't already) might be:
I don't want you to answer me as its none of my business, just think about them. Good luck what ever you decide, I hope it goes well!
either way, what help are you getting for you?
have you tried accessing support groups that help with your son's type of tumour? They may have counselling options that you could access, does the hospital that he attends have any counselling/support groups (free?).
You mention smoking too many cigarettes and binge eating, you're beyond stressed, and this is how you are coping (I've done both) but both of these things carry a financial burden, there are charities that can help you stop both of these behaviours (I'm not getting at you for smoking or binge eating, they are both innocuous coping strategies in the short term, but if you want to one day tackle them, now is as good a time to start to get information on what help there is around once you can cope with changing them).
Get some budgeting help (I know this sounds fatuous), there will be things that you can do to lower your outgoings, cable is a luxury, a phone on contract rather than pay as you use (not sure what the american term for it would be) is a luxury,
Is there anything else you can do to supplement your income?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Is it possible to get foods stamps for a short period of time? I wasn't proud to have to be on them, but my mom said, "I know you will only use them as you need them. You have worked faithfully one way or another since you were 17. You are in a temporary bad situation right now - and that is what food stamps are for." I didn't like it, but I did get and use them. It was a big load off of my mind to have them. When you got little ones and food is an issue, it really gets to you. I know.
You might also want to look into Angel Food Ministries - you can Google them for the website. Essentially, you pay $30 and that gets enough food to feed a family of 4 for a week. You can even check out the monthly menus online, order online and pick up at a local church. No financial documents are required and if you do get food stamps, you can use those to pay for the Ministries' food package. I don't know where you live so I don't know if this would work for you.
I know the issue with your post was how to deal with living with an A for financial reasons on both parts. But it is so much easier when you have some of the basics figured out and aren't irritable from worrying about them all the time.
This will pass. Hold on.
You might also want to look into Angel Food Ministries - you can Google them for the website. Essentially, you pay $30 and that gets enough food to feed a family of 4 for a week. You can even check out the monthly menus online, order online and pick up at a local church. No financial documents are required and if you do get food stamps, you can use those to pay for the Ministries' food package. I don't know where you live so I don't know if this would work for you.
I know the issue with your post was how to deal with living with an A for financial reasons on both parts. But it is so much easier when you have some of the basics figured out and aren't irritable from worrying about them all the time.
This will pass. Hold on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
oh i feel for you. my codependency has been rooted in financial convenience in the past too. are there any other options for you and your children? a community service, etc? You seem fearful and insecure because you know you're inviting the devil into your home. It's your choice and fortunately you are in full armour with SR friends and lots of tools to keep your plans in place, short term and long term.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Good thoughts and hugs. It sounds trite, but life is tough, and you do what you have to.
The situations you face now are not the situations you will face for the rest of your life; things change.
Take care of you and your child, be well
The situations you face now are not the situations you will face for the rest of your life; things change.
Take care of you and your child, be well
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
buffalo,
i am sorry you are feeling so desparate, and that you are up against a wall. it's an awful feeling to feel trapped.
i think you did the right thing by turning down the 800 from your friend. if you have a history of blurred lines with inappropriate gestures from people, ya did good to say no.
just keep working on figuring your way out of this. and boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
we're here for you
i am sorry you are feeling so desparate, and that you are up against a wall. it's an awful feeling to feel trapped.
i think you did the right thing by turning down the 800 from your friend. if you have a history of blurred lines with inappropriate gestures from people, ya did good to say no.
just keep working on figuring your way out of this. and boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
we're here for you
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I felt so proud,and, yet, so sad that my 5 year old has to think that much about it.
We cannot, and should not, protect our children from the basic human reality that there is pain and suffering in this world. Role modeling how to handle it in a healthy way is the best we can do.
And you've done that.
About the A moving back in: I know women in Alanon who have lived with praciticing alcoholics for years. Years! They are pillars of serenity. I don't personally know HOW they do it, but they do.
And, I also personally believe that with the right tools, any job can be done. You have my support and even if things get sh1tty, you'll not hear "I told you so," or "when you've had enough you'll stop hurting yourself," from me.
This is your chosen path and I respect you for it. Remember what those Tatanka (buffalo) do on their path? In the winter, they put their massive heads down and forge through 6 foot high snow to find the prairie grass. Very focused. Very successful. Summertime, they endure 100 degree weather.
And they will fight to the death to protect their calves against predators or anyone they perceive would harm them.
You go girl.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Buffalo66,
I know from experience how hard this is, but I can feel your inner strength in the words you write.
Once I lived on the streets, in shelters.
You can get out of this situation and I think by remembering you always have choices, you will learn from this experience and start a new life.
Let your Higher Power deal with the hardest burdens, but recognize the choices you have and build your strenght from that.
"We can discover meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering." Viktor Frankl
I´m sending you prayers.
I know from experience how hard this is, but I can feel your inner strength in the words you write.
Once I lived on the streets, in shelters.
You can get out of this situation and I think by remembering you always have choices, you will learn from this experience and start a new life.
Let your Higher Power deal with the hardest burdens, but recognize the choices you have and build your strenght from that.
"We can discover meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering." Viktor Frankl
I´m sending you prayers.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You wouldn't be the first person on Earth to be in this situation and certainly will not be the last. Sounds like the perfect opportunity to practice applying all the new things you have learned in your own Recovery, e.g., boundary setting and communicating, acceptance, detachment, etc.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
You wouldn't be the first person on Earth to be in this situation and certainly will not be the last. Sounds like the perfect opportunity to practice applying all the new things you have learned in your own Recovery, e.g., boundary setting and communicating, acceptance, detachment, etc.
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