Why did he have to pick booze?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Why did he have to pick booze?
Why couldn't he be sober and be happy?
Why couldn't I make him happy enough to want to stay sober? Happy enough to not want to drink?
Why wasn't life with me good enough?
Why can't he be here with me? Why can't we be laughing right now? Why can't things be the way they were when we were young? Before he became an alcoholic...before he got so sad...before all the joy left and all that mysterious sadness crept in. What happened to change him? Why did he give up? Why isn't he strong enough to cope with bad days? Why can't he be strong enough to be there for me?
Why can't he be strong enough for sober life?
Why can't I be with my friend anymore?
Why?
Why did he do this?
I think I'm better and then I'm crying again.
I signed up for a cycling event this weekend. Gonna keep pedaling til I get there.
Bad day.
Why couldn't I make him happy enough to want to stay sober? Happy enough to not want to drink?
Why wasn't life with me good enough?
Why can't he be here with me? Why can't we be laughing right now? Why can't things be the way they were when we were young? Before he became an alcoholic...before he got so sad...before all the joy left and all that mysterious sadness crept in. What happened to change him? Why did he give up? Why isn't he strong enough to cope with bad days? Why can't he be strong enough to be there for me?
Why can't he be strong enough for sober life?
Why can't I be with my friend anymore?
Why?
Why did he do this?
I think I'm better and then I'm crying again.
I signed up for a cycling event this weekend. Gonna keep pedaling til I get there.
Bad day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
You remind me of me, and the way I was the past 3 years with my ABF. (XABF)
I feel and understand your pain, I've been there, many times over.
I don't really have any advice, just wanted to give you some
and a :ghug3
When I felt like this, what I really tried to think about (briefly) was "Look at what he's doing to me! Look at how HE is making ME feel! And where is he? Out, living his life, drinking, doing whatever HE wants, while I sit here and wallow!" I tried my hardest to then pick myself up, and decide to NOT let ANYONE make me feel this way ever again!
Unfortunately, I ended up back in this position many times over, until just recently.
I wish you much strength right now! It's very hard!
I feel and understand your pain, I've been there, many times over.
I don't really have any advice, just wanted to give you some
and a :ghug3 When I felt like this, what I really tried to think about (briefly) was "Look at what he's doing to me! Look at how HE is making ME feel! And where is he? Out, living his life, drinking, doing whatever HE wants, while I sit here and wallow!" I tried my hardest to then pick myself up, and decide to NOT let ANYONE make me feel this way ever again!
Unfortunately, I ended up back in this position many times over, until just recently.
I wish you much strength right now! It's very hard!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Thanks you two. I'm just being a big baby today. I rode my bike this afternoon. I've been super busy at work. I feel fine, and then I'm crying. I guess it just takes a while to let go. It's one of my dreams dying (a happy, sober life with him), so I should expect it to hurt, right. Dreams don't die easy or quietly do they? No they don't.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi - a big hug for you, ok.
Why? a big question for things we dont understand. I looked at it this way - It wasnt her I was fighting. We were both fighting the demon, addiction. I remember the real her and the addicted her, but I prefer to remember the other her. Hope this makes some sense.
Why? a big question for things we dont understand. I looked at it this way - It wasnt her I was fighting. We were both fighting the demon, addiction. I remember the real her and the addicted her, but I prefer to remember the other her. Hope this makes some sense.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Aw c'mon girl, you aren't on your own having a sookie day.
As far as I am concerned, anybody who doesn't have some flat to downright yuk days, after being in some sort of alcoholic induced chaos, must be in Fairyland.
Thank God you love cycling, as it does so much good physically and emotionally for you.
Keep on pedalling, dear KP, you are getting there in leaps and bounds.
God bless
As far as I am concerned, anybody who doesn't have some flat to downright yuk days, after being in some sort of alcoholic induced chaos, must be in Fairyland.
Thank God you love cycling, as it does so much good physically and emotionally for you.
Keep on pedalling, dear KP, you are getting there in leaps and bounds.
God bless
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I just bought myself a T-shirt this weekend. It says:
Sh*t Creek Survivor
I feel like I have been up that creek, without my paddle while dealing with alcoholism (mine and my A)
SR has helped me navigate out of that creek and I feel like a survivor. Keep coming back. Keep working on You. You are worth the time and effort!!
Sh*t Creek Survivor
I feel like I have been up that creek, without my paddle while dealing with alcoholism (mine and my A)
SR has helped me navigate out of that creek and I feel like a survivor. Keep coming back. Keep working on You. You are worth the time and effort!!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
" Why couldn't I make him happy enough to want to stay sober? "
Honey, he is not doing it to you, he is just doing it. He's an alcoholic.
You are powerless over this fact.
He'll change only when he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Luckily, you have made the choice to change now.
Honey, he is not doing it to you, he is just doing it. He's an alcoholic.
You are powerless over this fact.
He'll change only when he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Luckily, you have made the choice to change now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I know he's not doing it to hurt me or anything. There's just a part of me that thinks if I was just better somehow, he'd be SOOOO happy with me, that he wouldn't want to drink. I felt the same way as a kid (my dad was a drinker).
I thought I left all those childhood feelings of not being good enough in the past. This is my first time dating an alcoholic and those feeling just came flooding back. They didn't go anywhere at all.
At least I learned as a kid that no matter how many bottles you dump down the sink, they'll always find more, so there's no point in trying.
i wish it would snow.
I thought I left all those childhood feelings of not being good enough in the past. This is my first time dating an alcoholic and those feeling just came flooding back. They didn't go anywhere at all.
At least I learned as a kid that no matter how many bottles you dump down the sink, they'll always find more, so there's no point in trying.
i wish it would snow.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hey kp,
have you done any therapy? it could do you a world of good.
here's the good news:
the person you are becoming, is the person who has had this pain in her life. i believe that i became a good mother after i joined al-anon. i joined al-anon after we realized we (xah & i) had an alcoholic in our midst. i married an alcoholic because....well, that's what i do. i have so much awareness now, and even tho i have miles to go, there are many qualities i posses that i really like!
EVERYTHING YOU ARE TODAY, IS BECAUSE OF EVERY EXPERIENCE YOU HAVE HAD THUS FAR. you are too close, but you will see the benefits one day. you may even thank ol' what's his name.
hugs, kp
have you done any therapy? it could do you a world of good.
here's the good news:
the person you are becoming, is the person who has had this pain in her life. i believe that i became a good mother after i joined al-anon. i joined al-anon after we realized we (xah & i) had an alcoholic in our midst. i married an alcoholic because....well, that's what i do. i have so much awareness now, and even tho i have miles to go, there are many qualities i posses that i really like!
EVERYTHING YOU ARE TODAY, IS BECAUSE OF EVERY EXPERIENCE YOU HAVE HAD THUS FAR. you are too close, but you will see the benefits one day. you may even thank ol' what's his name.
hugs, kp
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
"Why did he have to pick booze?"
Bad abusive parents? Nasty boss? Genetic predisposition? Regardless it is still a choice and he chooses to do so because he likes the way it makes him feel. The whole love yourself first thing, seemed cheesy early on to me, but I learned is that it it is real. Booz intake needs to stop to deal with underlying issues in a constructive way.
Bad abusive parents? Nasty boss? Genetic predisposition? Regardless it is still a choice and he chooses to do so because he likes the way it makes him feel. The whole love yourself first thing, seemed cheesy early on to me, but I learned is that it it is real. Booz intake needs to stop to deal with underlying issues in a constructive way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
OOOOOH ya CoffeeDrinker. I've done lots of therapy over the years and it has done me a world of good. I thought about going in for some visits soon. I'm just so busy with work and a little on the broke side right now.
I know it's not my fault, but I can't help the whys sometimes, when I'm feeling like I don't WANT to know and I don't WANT to accept it. I wanted to be with him. I don't want to let go. So why why why?
Thanks for the response. It helps. I'm looking forward to seeing the benefits of this someday. :::: sigh ::::
I know it's not my fault, but I can't help the whys sometimes, when I'm feeling like I don't WANT to know and I don't WANT to accept it. I wanted to be with him. I don't want to let go. So why why why?
Thanks for the response. It helps. I'm looking forward to seeing the benefits of this someday. :::: sigh ::::
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You will see the benefits...if you don't have a repeat performance in the next relationship.
You will fall in LOVE again...hopefully your picker will be more fine-tuned because
you learned from the pain, sadness, disappointment and by taking the time to heal.
You will fall in LOVE again...hopefully your picker will be more fine-tuned because
you learned from the pain, sadness, disappointment and by taking the time to heal.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I had the benefit and insight of talking to my XAH after we split and he got sober. I can almost guarantee that he doesn't see it the same way you do. It's not a matter of picking this over that. In fact, mine truly couldn't understand why he couldn't have both. We had a 20+ year relationship and two children. It hurt so badly to think that beer meant more to him than all that. But, it just wasn't the case.
You have to stop personalizing it. It really has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Thinking that it does is just self-torture.
((()))
L
You have to stop personalizing it. It really has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Thinking that it does is just self-torture.
((()))
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
La - well ya, BUT if they KNOW they'll loose their loved ones and they continue to choose beer, than how can they see it any other way? They choose the beer. It's pretty black and white. Want your family? Don't drink. Want a good life? Don't drink. Want everyone who loves you to stop being so afraid for you? Don't drink.
It IS personal. Very personal. You watch someone you love killing themselves - it's personal. I personally feel pain. I personally worry for him. I personally feel deeply sad that my friend is CHOOSING to ruin his short time on this earth and hurt everyone around him.
I don't think they do it to purposely hurt the ones who love them. But knowing they are causing so much pain, I don't think they DON'T do it to stop hurting the ones they love. It's the alcoholic parents that really upset me when I think about it. It's just so selfish and lame. Spineless. Miserable? Well suck it up cause you've got kids. Selfish behavior.
Had to vent...
Thanks.
It IS personal. Very personal. You watch someone you love killing themselves - it's personal. I personally feel pain. I personally worry for him. I personally feel deeply sad that my friend is CHOOSING to ruin his short time on this earth and hurt everyone around him.
I don't think they do it to purposely hurt the ones who love them. But knowing they are causing so much pain, I don't think they DON'T do it to stop hurting the ones they love. It's the alcoholic parents that really upset me when I think about it. It's just so selfish and lame. Spineless. Miserable? Well suck it up cause you've got kids. Selfish behavior.
Had to vent...
Thanks.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
That's just it. I don't believe he (my AH anyway) REALLY knew that on a conscious level. Sure, I told him that. Sure, he said he understood. But, deep down inside, alcohol had such a hold on him that he didn't really believe it.
Obviously, it's your choice if you want to take it personally. But, what I've found is doing that only hurts me.
I'll say it again. It really has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Really. It's between him and alcohol. You are not even a bit player in that relationship.
L
Obviously, it's your choice if you want to take it personally. But, what I've found is doing that only hurts me.
I'll say it again. It really has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Really. It's between him and alcohol. You are not even a bit player in that relationship.
L
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