Why did he have to pick booze?

Old 02-23-2010, 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepPedaling View Post
Why couldn't he be sober and be happy?
Why couldn't I make him happy enough to want to stay sober? Happy enough to not want to drink?
Why wasn't life with me good enough?
Why can't he be here with me? Why can't we be laughing right now? Why can't things be the way they were when we were young? Before he became an alcoholic...before he got so sad...before all the joy left and all that mysterious sadness crept in. What happened to change him? Why did he give up? Why isn't he strong enough to cope with bad days? Why can't he be strong enough to be there for me?
Why can't he be strong enough for sober life?
Why can't I be with my friend anymore?
Why?
Why did he do this?

I think I'm better and then I'm crying again.

I signed up for a cycling event this weekend. Gonna keep pedaling til I get there.

Bad day.
I know how you feel, i cant wait to get past this stage.
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Old 02-23-2010, 08:34 PM
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Wow - LTD always says it so clearly.

KP - we have all felt as you do. Back to basics, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. (are those the three C's or do I have them slightly skewed?)

The whole thing seem so ridiculous and illogical. Why, as you asked, aren't I more valuable than the booze? But as all have so wisely said, it's not you. As Spiritual Seeker said; You're powerless, and he's sick.

Jadmack - your pictures are GREAT! No clue where you find them all.

Hugs ****{KP}}}
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Old 02-23-2010, 08:45 PM
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Hi KeepPedalling....I am so sorry you are having a bad day. I downloaded the book, Codependant No more and just started reading it, but I did already read something that stuck with me.....I want to share it with you!

"We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance, saying "If you loved me you wouldn't drink" to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying "If you loved me you wouldn't cough" to someone who has pneumonia. Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alcoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you-they are saying they don't love themselves."

I hope reading this helps. You are obviously an amazing women and deserve to be loved and respected. You will find this person. This book also talks about detachment, which is so important. I recommend getting this book....I am only on page 74 out of 220 and it's helping.
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Old 02-23-2010, 09:25 PM
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Hey KP.

I wish I could offer you something to feel better....because I feel the same way. Kittyboo just started an interesting thread about HP..The "why" part is very hard to deal with. Why does it have to be this way? Maybe there is a bigger picture here. That's what keeps me going. Knowing that this happened for a reason. I may not know what for exactly yet...And I know it doesn't really help the situation. However, I do know:

I am BEYOND grateful YOU are HERE. Right now...reaching out, but also being part of the support for me. So thank you! I've noticed in my life how this experience has deepened relationships with those who have helped me through this difficult time and I've also realized who are my true friends. This is just one small example of how I am growing. I know you are too. And I know some days are really hard. Believe me when I say the pain runs deep. But at least we have each other! That's what I think!

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
-Oprah Winfrey

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
-Marcel Proust

Sorry if those are cheesy, but I wanted to share my semi-good day with you.We got ur back here!

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Old 02-23-2010, 09:39 PM
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I don't have anything to add in the way of advice. But I have lots of these to offer!
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Old 02-23-2010, 10:05 PM
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If I knew the answer to that, I'd know a d**n sight more than I know now, I tellya that. I still think (about my ex): man, it sure must hurt bending that far over to stick your head up your (anatomical reference deleted), why don't you for the love of all that's good in life JUST STOP?????

I dunno. All he could come up with is, "I have poor impulse control." Yaaa, I'd noticed that. I do know that it pains him deeply that he can't do better, but that's the closest I can get to understanding or empathy.

Hugs. You aren't alone in feeling this way. You aren't underestimating the loss, and there's nothing wrong with your reaction. Alcohol does suck. I can't tell you how many times I've wished he and I had been born into a time and place where alcohol hadn't been discovered.

Oh, yeah, and as a sufferer of a compulsive disorder myself (trichotillomania, and it sucks too) I can say that compulsion of that nature is incomprehensible to anyone who doesn't have it. It can't be explained.
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Old 02-23-2010, 10:09 PM
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HI, KP.

My A has been beyond terrible to me, and I am still stuck. I am still asking those questions all the time. I am even at a place where I do not want him to choose us, because of how awful it is when he does, but still, that magical thinking gets me deep.

I am seeing a good therapist. She has decided to work on the part of me who cant see the facts. Her advice was this: He keeps asking to come home, in between drinking, during drinking, in between verbal and emotional attacks, during the attacks...He still thinks he should be here with us. I am afraid. SHe wanted me to do an experiment.

She asked what was I comfortable with. I said, I am not comfortable with him coming home to stay, moving in, etc...BUT I would be willing to try to cultivate some positive energy by going slow. baby steps.

She suggested that I tell him that, and hold my ground. Ask him to dinner, early evening, with a set time to leave. She implied that she thought he would not come through, on any level. He will choose to drink, and he will choose to continue acting as if he is shunned by me, and is alone with no family. I will have to see that no matter WHAT I DO, he will choose drink, until he hits bottom. Lets just see what happens, she said.

Well, I did ask him to dinner. THREE times in the last month. First two times, he filibustered that that was not what he wanted. He did not want a "date" with his family. I said it was all that was available. Trust and safety must be built.

This week, he agreed. Tonight he was to come to dinner at 5pm. He was excited to come, to see us, to be together. I was clear on the guidelines. I spoke to him at 430pm, he was excited.

At 445pm he called, first saying he had no gas. then said he needed a ride because he had been drinking. Then said he was suffering from panic attack and couldn't do it. He went on, " I am so freaked out, I just cannot do anything. I am scared. I just want to go home and crawl into bed."

I detached. Said OK. let it go.

He called at 9pm. He was at a comedy open stage, had just done a set. He was exhilerated and was having a good time with friends. He made no mention of the earlier dinner blow off . At 11pm, he called, drunk as a skunk, left a message saying he was tired of being alone. He needed his family, and was there anything I could do about that.

Now. I , personally, think that my therapist is a genius.

All roads lead to alcohol. It is NOT me. I did not drive him to it. I could not have done anything to keep him from choosing to pursue his drug. I know, for today, that I offered what I was comfortable with (new for me), and still offered him an opportunity to come in the door. He could not even do that. A simple nice, free, meal with his beautiful son.

All roads lead to alcohol. This has nothing to do with me. Our 5 year old is not to blame. I am no more to blame than he is. The A just did what he thought was going to work for him.

I am sad about it, and I do wonder all the time, "Why am I not enough to make him want to get healthy? Why is our child not enough?"

Tonight, I watched him shoot himself in the foot. He did not choose what he wants. He is an ADDICT. He chose what is easy, safe, familiar. He is an ADDICT.

Just for today, since I know that it will probably get to me again..but, just for today I am asking,

"Why doesn't HE mean enough to HIMSELF to get healthy?"

just the view from my little world today.
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Old 02-24-2010, 12:07 AM
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THANKS for this thread.
The emptiness... ppl try to fill it with drink, drugs, sex, hobbies, distractions etc, yet its still there. I went to a party once... I met a bunch of drunks at 4 am (I wasn't one of them) and met someone who could have been XABF. He said "I know I should drink less, but I can't live without... this!" The "this" was other drunks saying jokes and telling funny stories and some hugging, etc. I think that is the only way he thinks he had "family" and "friends". I gave him and others a ride, he was on his way to meeting his GF in a bus station. He looked terrible and was very very drunk. I felt compassion for his GF, arriving from somewhere tired, to find your partner is coming from the party and needs YOUR help. UGH.
To me it looked like loneliness. In XABF's case, his mom died years ago. XABF mentioned his dad was always out sleeping with his new partner (he said "lover" not partner). XABF hates his dad. XABFs sister was always locked in her room with his BF and they seldom talked. If dad and sis evade each other and reality, its only logical he will do the same.

The whole house smelled of sadness, loneliness and someone missing. I cringe just remembering it.

Anyway we are not therapists here, my point is that since I "got an explanation" of why he does what he does, I feel better. At least put my mind to rest.

Also, given our history together, you would think he would be discrete at work or something. Nope, he speaks about beers, brings GF to the office etc, as if nothing ever existed. Wow. All the drama and realities due to Jack Daniels and he's still the same person. I think his explanation for the breakup (which he said he initiated of course) was that I was getting fat, wasnt tidy enough and was boring and frustrated. LOL.

The twilight zone... thanks all for sharing.
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Old 02-24-2010, 12:09 AM
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THANKS for this thread.
The emptiness... ppl try to fill it with drink, drugs, sex, hobbies, distractions etc, yet its still there. I went to a party once... I met a bunch of drunks at 4 am (I wasn't one of them) and met someone who could have been XABF. He said "I know I should drink less, but I can't live without... this!" The "this" was other drunks saying jokes and telling funny stories and some hugging, etc. I think that is the only way he thinks he had "family" and "friends". I gave him and others a ride, he was on his way to meeting his GF in a bus station. He looked terrible and was very very drunk. I felt compassion for his GF, arriving from somewhere tired, to find your partner is coming from the party and needs YOUR help. UGH.
To me it looked like loneliness. In XABF's case, his mom died years ago. XABF mentioned his dad was always out sleeping with his new partner (he said "lover" not partner). XABF hates his dad. XABFs sister was always locked in her room with his BF and they seldom talked. If dad and sis evade each other and reality, its only logical he will do the same.

The whole house smelled of sadness, loneliness and someone missing. I cringe just remembering it.

Anyway we are not therapists here, my point is that since I "got an explanation" of why he does what he does, I feel better. At least put my mind to rest.

Also, given our history together, you would think he would be discrete at work or something. Nope, he speaks about beers, brings GF to the office etc, as if nothing ever existed. Wow. All the drama and realities due to Jack Daniels and he's still the same person. I think his explanation for the breakup (which he said he initiated of course) was that I was getting fat, wasnt tidy enough and was boring and frustrated. LOL.

The twilight zone... thanks all for sharing.
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Old 02-24-2010, 12:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
I am sad about it, and I do wonder all the time, "Why am I not enough to make him want to get healthy? Why is our child not enough?"

Tonight, I watched him shoot himself in the foot. He did not choose what he wants. He is an ADDICT. He chose what is easy, safe, familiar. He is an ADDICT.

Just for today, since I know that it will probably get to me again..but, just for today I am asking,

"Why doesn't HE mean enough to HIMSELF to get healthy?"

just the view from my little world today.
The last time mine drank, the final straw, wasn't because we fought. The first two times (two times binges started) was because we got into a fight. We'd fight, he'd go home and drink. He told me it was because we fought that he drank. The last time was Valentines Day. We had a great day, all lovey dovey. He went home and drank. That time he told me it was because his brain told him to drink, so he did.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Your therapist is a genius. I hope things get better for you soon...and for me. :ghug3
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Old 02-24-2010, 12:14 AM
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Originally Posted by BuffaloGal View Post
Oh, yeah, and as a sufferer of a compulsive disorder myself (trichotillomania, and it sucks too) I can say that compulsion of that nature is incomprehensible to anyone who doesn't have it. It can't be explained.
This made me giggle (not that it's a laughing matter). My sister and I both have this a little. We can always tell when the other one is stressed because we'll notice a bald patch in an eyebrow.
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Old 02-24-2010, 12:20 AM
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Crickets - I have that book on Mp3. I think I listened to it every night for a month. It was like my bedtime story. It has helped me so much. I think I would have stayed in this unhealthy cycle so much longer if not for that book and this forum. Keep reading! And thank you for being so supportive. It really helps me get through days like this.

Mary - Thank you for the reply. The photo made me laugh out loud. It's so cute and EXACTLY how I feel when I'm hanging out with you guys.

Tigger - sometimes it makes it harder for me when I think about him as being sick because it makes me feel like I SHOULD be helping him. If he's really so consumed by addiction, and helpless, I feel compelled to help poor him, you know? I mean, how is it ok to abandon sick people. It's just such a hard thing to work though, this whole thing.
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Old 02-24-2010, 12:23 AM
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And I'm officially feeling better. Thanks everyone.
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Old 02-24-2010, 02:13 AM
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KP, I am so glad you feel better, mind you after all these replies of love and support you had to improve, didn't you.

Thanks for this thread, it has opened up the subject for us others to vent, advise and learn from it, so bless you.

Now you can stop pedaling and relax for a bit.

God bless
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Old 02-24-2010, 08:31 AM
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Originally Posted by KeepPedaling View Post
This made me giggle (not that it's a laughing matter). My sister and I both have this a little. We can always tell when the other one is stressed because we'll notice a bald patch in an eyebrow.
You'll know me if you meet me on the street then My eyebrows don't bother me much anymore, but I did so much damage when I was a teen that they have permanent gaps now.
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Old 02-24-2010, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
...the longer the abuse continues, the deeper the hole gets, and the more impossible it gets to imagine quitting. it's hard, it's dang hard - using is the easier softer way.

quitting an addiction isn't quite like choosing color for wall paint. it requires a psychic shift, a wholesale change of everything known and familiar, however dreadful that familiarity makes life.
Sounds like me and my codependency!

Hard to stop.
I've been doing life the old way for 35 years.
Have to shift EVERYTHING.
Takes a HIGH level of consciousness every second.
It's hard and not so much fun.
I want to blame it all on him. Not take responsibility. Not be forced to change.
I don't like digging up all the old stuff.
I don't like admitting how topsy turvy I can be.
I don't like admitting how powerless I have been.
I don't like admitting how righteous I have been.
Etc. etc. etc!

Growth is the harder row to hoe.
And the one with all the benefits in the end!
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