Does everyone assume that codies have self-confidence issues?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Does everyone assume that codies have self-confidence issues?
See, I don't think of myself as someone with major issues of self-esteem. I like a lot of the advice I receive and read in these rooms, but I notice a lot of the advice is given under the assumption that the receiver has no or very-low self-esteem.
I can see how spending any length of time with an alcoholic can begin to break down your self-esteem. That was the red flag for me to leave, I was beginning to feel bad about myself. I didn't feel bad about myself going into the relationship. I felt strong and very good about myself. I feel that way now. I feel sad for losing him, but I don't feel like I'm not worth anything.
Seriously though, does self-esteem have that much to do with the codependence issue? It seems like a lot of the women in here have their $hit together, are strong, smart, and self-confident. Maybe it's that self-confidence that makes one feel as though she can "help"?
Just pondering...
I can see how spending any length of time with an alcoholic can begin to break down your self-esteem. That was the red flag for me to leave, I was beginning to feel bad about myself. I didn't feel bad about myself going into the relationship. I felt strong and very good about myself. I feel that way now. I feel sad for losing him, but I don't feel like I'm not worth anything.
Seriously though, does self-esteem have that much to do with the codependence issue? It seems like a lot of the women in here have their $hit together, are strong, smart, and self-confident. Maybe it's that self-confidence that makes one feel as though she can "help"?
Just pondering...
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I am a 'rescuer'. I want to save everyone. My 'codie' problem is that I thought I could love him enough to rescue him from his addiction. Wrong!
The only person I should have rescued was myself. You cannot control anyone else's behavior.
Self esteem issues? Sure. You live with someone who abuses and you start to believe their lies. It messes with your head. It's your fault, you did this to me, you don't let me be the man I want to be..blahblahblah.
While I was in that, I started to doubt MY own abilities! Was I a control freak? Was I really making him drink and abuse me?
NO! I realize these were all HIS choices. His addictions, his demons. BUT it's so much easier to make them mine. He didn't have to accept any blame or responsibility if all of his problems were my fault.
Just speaking for myself, but I do believe you cannot live in that environment for any length of time, and not have self esteem issues. They take that away from us to make themselves feel better.
So unfair..addiction sucks
The only person I should have rescued was myself. You cannot control anyone else's behavior.
Self esteem issues? Sure. You live with someone who abuses and you start to believe their lies. It messes with your head. It's your fault, you did this to me, you don't let me be the man I want to be..blahblahblah.
While I was in that, I started to doubt MY own abilities! Was I a control freak? Was I really making him drink and abuse me?
NO! I realize these were all HIS choices. His addictions, his demons. BUT it's so much easier to make them mine. He didn't have to accept any blame or responsibility if all of his problems were my fault.
Just speaking for myself, but I do believe you cannot live in that environment for any length of time, and not have self esteem issues. They take that away from us to make themselves feel better.
So unfair..addiction sucks
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Speaking from the other side. When, I was drinking, it was all about me. I'd put a spin on everything to make people that, cared for me believe it was their fault.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000 
Speaking from the other side. When, I was drinking, it was all about me. I'd put a spin on everything to make people that, cared for me believe it was their fault.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
Thanks Captain.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I was being an @ss when, I was younger. later on when I was married to my ex, I did feel justified over some things. I did abuse alcohol while I was married to her . There was other core issues there. She was trying to figure out her sexuality. Later on after she and I were divorced, she started living with another woman.
Just guessing, she might have felt trapped being married to me and had no respect for me.
Just guessing, she might have felt trapped being married to me and had no respect for me.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
" It seems a lot of the women in here have their $hit together, are strong, smart, and self-confident. Maybe the self-confidence makes them feel as though they can "help"
HUM ? you've described me in a nutshell and pose something for me ponder.
I think because of the dysfunctional in my family of origin ( whose wasn't ? ) my coping mechanism became perfectionism. I excelled in college, career and finances.
But was attracted to some men that had problems and even married
one and had a child with him
( my-ex )
With my abandonment issues I thought no one would leave someone so perfect. The dysfunction an aloofness in a partner felt natural/desirable. Any problems in our lives I easily took perfect care of...except closeness,
Did I try to fix them...no, just noticed how imperfect they were. And ultimately left them.
Luckily, now I have focused on my own imperfections + dysfunction. It took me 'til I was forty to be healthy enough to choose a healthier mate. I am still a work in progress and know that I don't need to be perfect. I must work hard at not expecting perfection from others . I've learned new
coping skills.
Most situations really are about us. The lesson keeps presenting itself until we learn it.
HUM ? you've described me in a nutshell and pose something for me ponder.
I think because of the dysfunctional in my family of origin ( whose wasn't ? ) my coping mechanism became perfectionism. I excelled in college, career and finances.
But was attracted to some men that had problems and even married
one and had a child with him
( my-ex ) With my abandonment issues I thought no one would leave someone so perfect. The dysfunction an aloofness in a partner felt natural/desirable. Any problems in our lives I easily took perfect care of...except closeness,
Did I try to fix them...no, just noticed how imperfect they were. And ultimately left them.
Luckily, now I have focused on my own imperfections + dysfunction. It took me 'til I was forty to be healthy enough to choose a healthier mate. I am still a work in progress and know that I don't need to be perfect. I must work hard at not expecting perfection from others . I've learned new
coping skills.
Most situations really are about us. The lesson keeps presenting itself until we learn it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker
" It seems a lot of the women in here have their $hit together, are strong, smart, and self-confident. Maybe the self-confidence makes them feel as though they can "help"
HUM ? you've described me in a nutshell and pose something for me ponder.
I think because of the dysfunctional in my family of origin ( whose wasn't ? ) my coping mechanism became perfectionism. I excelled in college, career and finances.
But was attracted to some men that had problems and even married
one and had a child with him ( my-ex )
With my abandonment issues I thought no one would leave someone so perfect. The dysfunction an aloofness in a partner felt natural/desirable. Any problems in our lives I easily took perfect care of...except closeness,
Did I try to fix them...no, just noticed how imperfect they were. And ultimately left them.
Luckily, now I have focused on my own imperfections + dysfunction. It took me 'til I was forty to be healthy enough to choose a healthier mate. I am still a work in progress and know that I don't need to be perfect. I must work hard at not expecting perfection from others . I've learned new
coping skills.
Most situations really are about us. The lesson keeps presenting itself until we learn it.
HUM ? you've described me in a nutshell and pose something for me ponder.
I think because of the dysfunctional in my family of origin ( whose wasn't ? ) my coping mechanism became perfectionism. I excelled in college, career and finances.
But was attracted to some men that had problems and even married
one and had a child with him
( my-ex ) With my abandonment issues I thought no one would leave someone so perfect. The dysfunction an aloofness in a partner felt natural/desirable. Any problems in our lives I easily took perfect care of...except closeness,
Did I try to fix them...no, just noticed how imperfect they were. And ultimately left them.
Luckily, now I have focused on my own imperfections + dysfunction. It took me 'til I was forty to be healthy enough to choose a healthier mate. I am still a work in progress and know that I don't need to be perfect. I must work hard at not expecting perfection from others . I've learned new
coping skills.
Most situations really are about us. The lesson keeps presenting itself until we learn it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker
With my abandonment issues I thought no one would leave someone so perfect.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
pattern
nowinstiuation " realizing that it is a pattern for me..... "
Oh yea !
Just as the drinker has his pattern, I only grow when I figure out my own destructive patterns or patterns that no longer accomplish my goals to
become more enlightened and more loving.
The steps taught me to focus on myself....such a simple idea but one that
took me many experiences to figure out. I must still remind myself daily.
Oh yea !
Just as the drinker has his pattern, I only grow when I figure out my own destructive patterns or patterns that no longer accomplish my goals to
become more enlightened and more loving.
The steps taught me to focus on myself....such a simple idea but one that
took me many experiences to figure out. I must still remind myself daily.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by IamSaved
I am a 'rescuer'. I want to save everyone. My 'codie' problem is that I thought I could love him enough to rescue him from his addiction.
i have moved from that, to saving him from what causes the self-destruction (lack of people loving him, lack of those people staying in his life) and finally, to saying "i can't do much about your core issues, but i can do something about what i will not tolerate anymore."
i also believe - hard as this is to admit - that i have a history of choosing people that i can feel superior to. not that i lord it over, but people can admire me, look up to me, come to me for advise. years ago i had a sort of "breakthrough" when i realized that other people who were highly functional, educated, sophisticated, really do like me and enjoy my company. i am worthy of all kinds of peoples' attentions!
i now have people in my circle of friends from the whole spectrum: homeless, mentally impaired, phd's, clergy, musicians, politicians -- and i love them all.
i have never felt i suffered from low self-esteem. but ya know what? i've come to believe that i must because otherwise i would have had better boundaries in place. so, there is a large barometer for self esteem. i'm probably in the "upper middle class" range. oops, ya know i don't think we should start grading ourselves.
also, there seems to be a difference between knowing in your head that you are a good and valuable person, possessing gifts and worthy of decent love, and really deep down believing it.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Self confidence and self-esteem are different.
I do think that anyone who stays in an abusive relationship has self-esteem problems. Healthy people would be out the door immediately or not be involved at all..they would see the red flags.
Also, I think that staying in any of our relationships depletes your self-esteem. No one who really loves and likes themselves would allow someone else to treat them poorly.
I do think that anyone who stays in an abusive relationship has self-esteem problems. Healthy people would be out the door immediately or not be involved at all..they would see the red flags.
Also, I think that staying in any of our relationships depletes your self-esteem. No one who really loves and likes themselves would allow someone else to treat them poorly.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Here here sister...we don't have to allow any one to treat us poorly.
Not a mate, a child, a boss, a neighbor, an employee, etc.
For some it takes a long long time to find their voice or to know
their feet are not made of clay.
Hopefully, we get their soon rather than later.
Not a mate, a child, a boss, a neighbor, an employee, etc.
For some it takes a long long time to find their voice or to know
their feet are not made of clay.
Hopefully, we get their soon rather than later.
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