detaching200

I'm beginning to feel like maybe I want out of this. I'm beginning to feel that he won't let me go. I know I can force the issue (block the number, not see him etc.) but I feel trapped and choked because he acts as if I HAVE to be with him and I have no other choice in the matter. He asked me for money yesterday, because he knew I was getting a substantial tax refund. He needs money, he says, to help the guy he's staying with pay for gas and food etc. He (the ABF) obviosly has no job and very little hope of getting one. I told him no. He asked why? I said because it isn't my job. If he took you in and can't afford you, then that is his and your problem not mine. I didn't take you to raise. He got mad and said I was being selfish. I said so what? He apologized for getting mad. Also, wednesday night he started this "I can have one drink" ********, and I just rolled my eyes...he's doing the "I'm different from every other alcoholic/addict" thing and I"m sick of it. I"m 32 years old. I have 2 kids. I want a partner, not a third child. I almost hope he goes to prison so I don't have to deal with him anymore. The sex isn't worth it. I'm really feeling that this week is going to be the last weekend we see each other. He's not gonna like it, but hey so the eff what? ugh. I used to look forward to seeing him, now it's a bother.

Slag

Thanks for sharing!!!!!!!!!!!

You sound like you are ready to make a move....I like your resolve.

Do not allow anyone to dictate your actions.

Impurrfect

((Detaching)) - you can MAKE it your last weekend to see him whenever you've "had enough". I'm an RA and I've also had to leave the active A behind...I know addiction from both sides, and neither is pretty. I've finally figured out that, for me, right now, I'd rather be by myself than be dragged down by a man who can't take care of himself and his own issues. I've been dealing with addictions to men and drugs, and I choose to take time for ME for once! I hope you do, too - you and your kids deserve it!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

tchappy

HI! ((Detaching))

I know it is hard to leave them and to take that first step. Like your title says on your post..sometimes it does feel like you are trapped.

I just wanted to let you know I have been there. I made my ex ABF leave about 2 months ago now and it was very hard. He would ask for money too and I'm not sure what your guy says, but mine would say things that made me feel like I could not do any better than him, that he is the only one that would ever love me. He also called me selfish MANY times when I would not help him or basically let him manipulate me.

I just want you to know....you are not trapped. You will know when you have had enough. I finally just had to realize that I was happier when he was not in the picture. I respect myself more now than I did when he was in the picture.

It sounds like you are close to making that move and we are here for you if or when you do and will help you through that process.

coffeedrinker

isn't it awful when we start to sorta wish that something would happen to force a change. that way we don't have to do the work.

what do you think is holding you back....giving you that "trapped" feeling?

tjp613

Well, thank your lucky stars you aren't married to the guy!

I like your response to the accusation of being "selfish"...LOL.... "So what???"

Good job!

amygdala4

You are absolutley NOT being selfish. Good for you not giving in to his, no doubt, lies. I can so relate to your story. Before my BF went into recovery, again, he did the whole, "I can drink a beer. I'm not an alcoholic." That's where it all starts unraveling again and is a total rationalization.

Teggie

Oh I can so relate! Mine has been kicked out for over a month. He acts like he's helpless, couch surfing his scuzzy friends, holed up in the shop out back bemoaning that we have abandoned him, sending texts wanting food, coffee & cigarettes. Expecting others to take care of him.

He actually sent a text the other day wondering why, when he has his meds "regulated" for his chronic pain what bad behaviour is he exhibiting & how dumbfounded he is of my treatment of him.

He's only "regulated" because he has no other option to binge. He's not going to rehab & he's not working a rehab.

I shot him one back describing exactly to the detail what he was doing the last time he got totally stoned, about how he only works enough to pay for his meds and leaves the rest of it undone or up to me & how I was done dealing with his "nonexistant" problem.

I felt bad after I did that, it was beneath me and not positive in my recovery so I sent another stating I didn't hate him, I hoped he got better and that I was doing what I had to to protect the kids and myself and left it at that.

It's hard to see a grown man acting helpless.

Hugs,
Teggie

atalose

Yup, alcoholics don’t have relationships……..they take hostages.

Us codies volunteer to become their hostages at every turn. Have you given any thought to going to al-anon for yourself?

detaching200

ugh...I'm sitting here beating myself in the head because I'm so juvenile and foolish. I don't know how many of you have read my previous posts, but my ex husband, for obvious reasons, doesn't want our kids around the bf. As a matter of absolute fact, he (the ex h) doesn't even know I've been seeing him again. I told the abf that if he was going to be here on nights when my kids were home, he had to stay in the basement, and they couldn't see him. I have a bedroom in my basement that no one goes in, and the kids have a playroom with a tv and stuff...anyway, he was down there thursday night, and the kids kept going down there....I thought he was smart enough to get out of the front room and go to the back, but noooo. My son was down there riding his scooter and saw him, but didn't know what he saw..thought it was a ghost poor kid. we went down to check, and daughter, who is all the way around the world from stupid, saw a plate and an ashtray he left, even though he did go to the back room, and knew he'd been there. I told her that he had been there the night before (and lying to my kid makes me feel like a real stellar mom let me tell ya.) the next morning he was still haning out in the front room, while they were going down to get clothes and stuff.
Anyway, I confronted him yesterday when I got home. told him, once again, that he has no respect for what I want or need, and that I told him ver and over again that he could not be seen by the kids or the neighbors, and he disregarded it because ot wasn't what HE wanted. got the same old apologies, same old crap, I just went to bed. this morning I saw a text from the ex, "the kids are saying ----- is back???" So, I'm waiting for his ass to get dressed so I can take him home. I'm in kind of a hurry, so I'll elaborate more later, but in a way I'm glad, because I really wasn't looking forward to the next day or so, but now I haveto deal with what to tell ex h. I told my daughter not to lie to him, so I'm assuming he knows the abf was here..ugh this is so stupid!!! I feel about two inches high right now. oh well...circumstances have conspired to rid me of one problem. thankful for that. more later.

Insulated

funny how their money is THEIRS and our money is theirs too. Mine always knew when my unemployment check was in the mailbox. Too funny! You did the right thing. It's building character and strength in you. Get rid of the liability and he IS a liability, not an asset to you at this time.

suki44883

Okay, I'm going to start out saying that I'm not trying to be mean, but I have a question that I think you should ask yourself. Is this man worth your kids? I'm sure you'll say "Of course not!!" Well, it sounds like your ex is adamant about your kids not being around this man. If he sees this guy as a danger, he could very well petition for custody of your children. I'm not trying to scare you, but it IS something to think about. Looking at it that way, does it give you a little more determination and courage to kick him out of your life? Turn it around and if your ex had custody of the kids and he was seeing someone you felt was a danger to them, and wouldn't stop seeing her, wouldn't you do whatever you felt was necessary to get your children away from her? Like I said, I'm not trying to be mean, but that is what jumped into my head when I read your post.

atalose

Not to sound harsh but you have an alcoholic boyfriend that you have to hide in your own home from your children and neighbors……….. what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

What are you getting from this man that would put your reputation and self esteem as a mother and neighbor at jeopardy?

What exactly does he do for you and your life that would cost you so much?

detaching200

These are the same questions I ask myself, that same worries I have, which is why I am at the point I'm at. I KNOW how ridiculous this is. The reasons I once had don't even seem like good reasons anymore, they never really were I guess. I have said it before...I'm no less an addict than he is. I'm just addicted to HIM. Suki, I had to laugh at one part of your post, tho...my ex is gay, so it would actually be a he. Sorry, I just lol'd at that..you didn't know..just sturck me
Anyway, I don't have any good answers for why I do these things. I was lonely (although I'm not the 'i neeeeeed a man' type, I was being treated like **** by every guy I went out with) and there was a certain comfort in being with someone who I KNEW loved me. The grass seemed greener, but once I climbed the fence again, I remembered what makes grass it's greenest, and his yard is covered in it! Ok, enough with the semi-precious metaphors. I was honest with my ex, I said I told daughter not to lie to you, and I'm not going to either, and he was ok about it. He said I'm nuts, and I agreed. I told him I'm putting an end to it, that I got it out of my system (so to speak). I told him everything that happened, and he said (and it reads meaner than it was) "What you do when the kids aren't home is none of my business, but I trust you to protect them. Now protect yourself." He's a good ex
I'm going out for some retail therapy!

suki44883

Your ex sounds like a pretty decent guy...and he's right. I hope you can think enough of yourself to get this other leech out of your life soon.