Ceres

Time to focus on somemore little ah, ha. Moments. :-)

So, He's gone to his parents. Two gems below are my motto for now.

Chino: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the people I can, and the wisdom to know it's me". codie serenity prayer

Coffeedrinker: Your truth vs. his truth

To reiterate, this was my final heartfelt - You-need-to-go conversation:

I told him that I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That my sobriety is now on the line. That I am sorry, I don't know what else to do. Would you be willing to stay at your parents house for a few days? I really need you to be a friend right now. (It'll be much, much longer than a few days, but there was no need to go there at this moment).

He resonded very annoyed but said "I guess". Now, I've put the poor illusioned man through quite a bit in the last couple weeks. I insisted on driving to urgent care to get a drug test (they were closed) he did go after an understandable fit. I subjected him to two sessions of turning out the lights to check his pupils. I told him he needed rehab without any "proof" (that he could see) and finally, sent him on his merry way. Never did he act concerned, or tell me any words of heartfelt "no, I am not on drugs". Just mad.

He's pretty pissed. So the "your truth vs. his truth" has become vital. Because I'm still learning what my truth is. I need to be careful not to "pretend" I know. Secondly, I need to remember that I do not know what his truth is either. The little girl in me would love to point out to him what I think his truth is. But, all that will end up doing is making a bigger mess, angrier man, and restless and irritable "codie".

So, tonite I had to go shopping (this whole one car thing has got to be fixed). He got here at 5:00pm. He was ever so bugged. Angry. Didn't say much. When I got the keys and told him I had two stops to make he said "What am I suppossed to do here until then?" To which I looked right at him and sternly (not sarcastically) said, "I don't know, why don't you play with your children". Little girl wanted to add: "A-hole". But, didn't :-)

So, riding in the car I realized the best thing I can do is be aware of his reality. It's clear he hates me just now. I understand. I understand.
This is all a huge unexpected confusing situation to him. A big WTF? moment. I'm the bad guy. I'm the "problem". But, rule #1. I can't tell him what I think is in his head. Counter productive, I don't live in his head, so I don't know. - "the wisdom to know it's me."

What I am able to control is myself and my reaction to his behavior. Much, much, easier to do if I remember the "his reality" concept. Also, that I am his friend. Do I still love him? Absolutely. 2 kids & 8 years invested. But, love has become a choice for me now. It does not rule or define me. I choose to love him the only way I can right now - At a distance. I also decided that all wifely behavior be banished. No dinners, laundry, etc... My new role of "friend" I'm going to take seriously and honestly mean it. I asked myself what the friend in me would want to do? The good old golden rule: Treat him the way you would want to be treated if you were in the same situation. I need to place myself in his situation while dealing with him

So, when I returned to the store, I asked him if I could talk to him for a few minutes. What I wanted to say was: "are you doing okay, this is hard for me too. I appreciate you giving me the room I need. Thank you". But, he said "I don't have time for that". So, there it is. That's okay, because I did the right thing. I'm going to trod along doing the next right thing, and the next, and the next (at least try, progress not perfection)! ;-)

Thanks for reading!

endzoner

you done rite for you Ali.... huggles Endzy

coffeedrinker

thanks for the update. i bet you can breathe a little easier with him not underfoot all the time.

Chino

You are protecting your sobriety and serenity to the best of your ability, and hot damn, good for you!!!