aah1977

Losing my husband and marriage to addiction makes me feel like I’m mourning a death. I just can’t believe that this is where we are now. That his addiction took such a toll on us that we are no longer a team, a couple, an “us.” It is so freakin’ hard to contemplate my life without him right now. I mean I’ve come to the realization that I need to go through with a divorce, but learning to let go of the person he use to be is so emotional. I’m finally beginning to realize he will never be that kind, caring, honest person again. If he ever finds the strength to be that person again I wish him all the best.

I feel like I have to let go of the person he was, the life we had, the love we use to feel, the plans we had for ourselves and our new family. That is what makes this hard. If I could just rid myself of the person I see right now I would say good riddance. But, he was so much more than that for so long. He wasn't ever the bad boy type that treated me poorly and I thought I could change him.

We were friends for years before we began dating. We were one of those couples that even before we were dating people told us we were right for each other. When I was 16 my grandmother told me I needed to cherish his friendship because she could see we were soul mates. I don’t think he ever met a person he didn’t like and that didn’t like him. We weren’t perfect-we bickered like an old married couple, but we enjoyed being together, had fun with each other and were as comfortable when we were deep in conversation as we were in total silence. I had never known such a genuinely kind and good person and that was what made me fall in love with him. When we first dating I really felt like I could never live up to the good person he was. Wow!? I knew him better than anyone in my life and knew he would always protect me, make me feel loved and special. He always did. That is until the buried pain of losing his teen years to cancer took over a few years ago and he turned to using prescription pain killers.

I watched him struggle to maintain himself all the while being taken over by the drugs. It has been a really ugly roller coaster. He went from a person who would give you the shirt off his back to someone who would literally rip yours off of you if it meant he got what he wanted. I’ve watched someone who valued honesty tell lie after lie after lie to cover up some other crazy lie. When I’m around him now I’m filled with anger over his actions and his attitude. After he is gone and I see a photo of us or a gift he gave me before things went bad I am filled with grief.

The hardest part for me about loving an addict is still loving the person the addict use to be and finally accepting that person is gone. I can pray everyday that he finds his way, but I can’t continue to be part of this madness he is in now.

I must mourn him like a death. I still can’t take the wedding band off and the pictures will likely stay where they are until I move. It proves to be difficult when I still have to deal with him daily because we have a child and a house and other odds and ends that need to be tied up. I’m sad that we lost out on the life we were planning on when we got married. I’m sad that my son won’t know the man I knew and pray that one day he can be the father our son deserves.

So, my question for is how do you mourn someone that hasn't died?

lostparent

" So, my question for is how do you mourn someone that hasn't died? "

Good question I've wondered the same thing.

NeedingHelp7

aah1977, I'm sorry........ I know your pain all too well, I wish I could take it from you, and skip all the horrible grief you will feel. You are mourning the loss of your marriage, you are mourning the loss of a complete family, you are mourning the loss of the man he once was. You have the right to mourn, it's a loss of someone you loved dearly. With or without drugs a separation/divorce is devastating. So much to recover from. I've been in therapy for grief. It may be something you might want to consider. You don't want to spiral into depression even though some days it will feel that way. You will get through this, let yourself feel what you need to feel and then let it go.

Try not to isolate. There will be times you want to be alone, but not for too long.


Huggs and prayers,

NH7

sunnygirl68

AHH1977, I would say that it was the death of my future hopes and dreams...everything that I thought we were gonna be at this point in our lives was dashed.
You are completely normal to mourn this, it does hurt and you have to go through the same stages as anyone dealing with a death.

You are on my heart today.

55438

aah1977,

I am so sorry for your loss. Grieving the loss of broken dreams and hopes can be just as necessary as grieving after a death. You are in a position that necessates a change and change can be difficult. Soon you will have new dreams.

55438

Daisy09

Oh aah

I wish I could see you in person to give you my shoulder to cry on...

All the best to you and baby,
Daisy

cessy68

Try reading "Life Lessons" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She is the founder of the five stages of grief, and had the most impact on death and dying issues in our time....

This book she co-wrote, (i forget the other author), oops...... anyhow, about what they learned from the dying, their families, doctors, etc. and apply that knowledge to everyday life.

There is a section on 'relationships'. I have posted some of her quotes here on SR before, but some of which are as follows:
(paraphrasing)
"we are not equipped in our society to accept loss. We loose a simple reciept and we are frantic, looking everywhere for it, we all will have loss, some big some small, but all loss the same. We will loose our children, homes, friends, cars, jobs, etc..... everything is just on loan to us, even our loved ones."

Also:

"some relationships are meant to last 50 years, some five. Just because a relationship didn't last forever, DOES NOT MEAN that the relationship failed. Every relationship we have has a purpose."

Also:

"Sometimes we think if our partner would simply change, that everything would be better. What if they are not supposed to change? What if this is their journey? Perhaps if we think someone needs to change, we should look at ourselves. Sometimes when we do this, we simply see -- for the FIRST TIME, that the relationship just dosen't work anymore., or we may see that we are the ones who need to change, either way, it's always an inside job".

Also:

"mourning a death of a relationship, can be more difficult than mourning a death, becasue the person is still 'here'. With death there is a finality to it".


Finally she says:

"How empty of me to be so full of you".

Hope some of this helps. Again, these aren't direct quotes, but close..... I've read most of her book, a few times over, and over. She was an amazeing woman.

take care,
Love,
Cess

jerect

I Know your pain as well... I mean this in no disprespect to people who have lost loved ones due to an addiction but Sometimes I think death would be easier to deal with then living with an addict day in and day out watching them slowly commit suicide, knowing that your relationship with this person would be so much different if they were not in active addiction.

However, I feel like I have a choice. I can sit here and mourn what once was, what could have been, or what should be or I can honor myself by living life to the fullest each day. I do this by detatching from the addict with love and going about my life in a positive and healthy manner. I can't change the things the addict does or doesn't do but I can change what I do and how I react to things the addict does. I refuse to allow my addicts disease to invade my life anymore. There was a time where I allowed myself to be depressed and angry about how my AH was/is living his life.. but I realized I was wasting my energy when I should be out there living.. Is it sad that he lives this way, YES but it doesn't mean that I need to be sad anymore.

Do something nice for yourself each day, be gentle with yourself, hang out with positive people and set boundaries for yourself.. but most importantly don't mourn anymore, go out there and LIVE..

outtolunch

On Pain
Kahlil Gibran

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.


Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

aah1977

Thank you all for your kind words. Most days I do really good. My mom calls me stoic and I'm not sure that is a good thing. I've always been a very strong independent person so being alone won't be hard. I just really miss the person he was and really hate the person he has become. I'm spending a lot of time with friends and family and as soon as I figure out what I'm going to do about my house I know I'll be ok!

ladyhawk69

"I've discover pain is the beginning to a change"

--Jamie O'Neill
Brave