Sometimes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 31
Sometimes
I wonder if I was ever really an "addict." I guess it depends on your standards. I never considered myself one, never even questioned myself until coming here. A friend thought I could use the help of some people for my family problems... and it turns out to be a lot more. God knows if I really have a problem. I think I wanted to identify- with everyone, with anyone. I didn't care if they were preaching AA/NA at me because, frankly, someone was talking to me. I had used Benadryl to get high, more than high, sure... but it's not like I was taking a hard drug. So the psychiatrist upgrades me, gives me xanax... and now I doubt myself. So far so good, I've been able to manage it myself. Maybe I'm just a loner who can only find friends among the addicts. They're the only ones willing to accept me, or maybe it just seems that way.
Maybe I'm just a person with severe depression, willing to deal with it in whatever way possible. Maybe I've completely lost the ability to have fun- so caught up with what test I have next or what my grades are. Such obsessive behavior, and I can't seem to control it. All I know is that I feel pretty blank lately. I've hardly felt a thing lately. I smile and I laugh... I'm pretty sure it's genuine. I also cry, but I couldn't place a reason on exactly why that is. I'm tired of school, tired of the routine. The psychiatrist would tell me to start taking the Lexapro he gave me, but to be honest, I don't think that's the cure. Sure, it might get rid of the exhaustion and dizziness I feel every day of my life.. but it's not going to change the fact that I still don't know what and want and furthermore am running in the wrong direction.
Maybe I'm just a person with severe depression, willing to deal with it in whatever way possible. Maybe I've completely lost the ability to have fun- so caught up with what test I have next or what my grades are. Such obsessive behavior, and I can't seem to control it. All I know is that I feel pretty blank lately. I've hardly felt a thing lately. I smile and I laugh... I'm pretty sure it's genuine. I also cry, but I couldn't place a reason on exactly why that is. I'm tired of school, tired of the routine. The psychiatrist would tell me to start taking the Lexapro he gave me, but to be honest, I don't think that's the cure. Sure, it might get rid of the exhaustion and dizziness I feel every day of my life.. but it's not going to change the fact that I still don't know what and want and furthermore am running in the wrong direction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Hi MAB!
Well, since you want someone to yak at ya, even if we're preaching NA/AA, how about just because it's not a "hard drug" doesn't make it any less dangerous. Abuse is abuse sweety!
Have you tried meetings? Speaking of those groups.
How about a therapist? One that doesn't prescribed meds but maybe can offer something new to try? A new approach to how you are feeling and finding a solution that works for you? I know my eldest son was on Lexapro, Risperdal (sp?), and Adderal, all at different points in time and for different reasons. They worked for him, but when my doctor put me on Lexapro, after my Dad killed himself in 2004, it didn't work for me. Even though we share the "family/blood" thing, medications worked for him but not me. As far as that went. Even my mother is on a variety of medications because she's bipolar. Ever discussed that with your doctor? Or how about ADHD?? Or OCD?
Try doing what your doctor says and make sure you take it as prescribed, but if things don't improve, keep going back until you find the solution. Things going on with the brain are sometimes harder to nail down than physical ailments you can see, ya know? Always best to keep going to your doctor until you find that solution.
And try some meetings. Give them a shot. Usually addicts don't have to ask if they are addicted to something, they already know. Basically meaning, if you are asking, odds are you are an addict. But maybe you're not. Meetings won't hurt you whether or not you are an addict and you may run into someone in a similar situation as yourself and can have someone to relate to and maybe they will have more experience and can share what works for them, with you.
And hang in there. Keep coming back. Update us on any progress. If you are feeling suicidal (since you say you've got severe depression), please seek medical help imediately. OK? We want you to live and we certainly want you to be happy.
And if you need someone to talk to, we're here too.
Well, since you want someone to yak at ya, even if we're preaching NA/AA, how about just because it's not a "hard drug" doesn't make it any less dangerous. Abuse is abuse sweety!
Have you tried meetings? Speaking of those groups.
How about a therapist? One that doesn't prescribed meds but maybe can offer something new to try? A new approach to how you are feeling and finding a solution that works for you? I know my eldest son was on Lexapro, Risperdal (sp?), and Adderal, all at different points in time and for different reasons. They worked for him, but when my doctor put me on Lexapro, after my Dad killed himself in 2004, it didn't work for me. Even though we share the "family/blood" thing, medications worked for him but not me. As far as that went. Even my mother is on a variety of medications because she's bipolar. Ever discussed that with your doctor? Or how about ADHD?? Or OCD?
Try doing what your doctor says and make sure you take it as prescribed, but if things don't improve, keep going back until you find the solution. Things going on with the brain are sometimes harder to nail down than physical ailments you can see, ya know? Always best to keep going to your doctor until you find that solution.
And try some meetings. Give them a shot. Usually addicts don't have to ask if they are addicted to something, they already know. Basically meaning, if you are asking, odds are you are an addict. But maybe you're not. Meetings won't hurt you whether or not you are an addict and you may run into someone in a similar situation as yourself and can have someone to relate to and maybe they will have more experience and can share what works for them, with you.
And hang in there. Keep coming back. Update us on any progress. If you are feeling suicidal (since you say you've got severe depression), please seek medical help imediately. OK? We want you to live and we certainly want you to be happy.
And if you need someone to talk to, we're here too.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Hi MAB
I don't know if you're an addict or not.
I don't know whether knowing that is as important as simply recognizing whether you have a problem, and doing something about it.
As CQ says I believe abuse is abuse, no matter what the substance is.
And, I don't know if this helps or not, but I still get the occasional voice that tries to tells me I'm not an addict either - despite the evidence of 20 years.
D
I don't know if you're an addict or not.
I don't know whether knowing that is as important as simply recognizing whether you have a problem, and doing something about it.
As CQ says I believe abuse is abuse, no matter what the substance is.
And, I don't know if this helps or not, but I still get the occasional voice that tries to tells me I'm not an addict either - despite the evidence of 20 years.
D
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
((Bambam))
You've been asking yourself this for a while now... maybe just try changing things and seeing what happens. I don't know either if you're an addict--although I see no reason why you can't be a Benadryl addict, it's a substance you're using for something other than the stated purpose that's clear--but like I've heard suggested, try quitting it for a month/year and see if you can.
When you put some kind of extra substance into your body for a while, your basic physiology is bound to change, at least temporarily. Maybe all of these questions can be answered by you quickly without the blur of the Benadryl etc... I'm noticing my mind is a *lot* clearer these days, and I'm able to see things differently than I did even a few months ago, when I thought I was thinking more clearly.
Take care of yourself, be safe, and good luck on the test,
TB
You've been asking yourself this for a while now... maybe just try changing things and seeing what happens. I don't know either if you're an addict--although I see no reason why you can't be a Benadryl addict, it's a substance you're using for something other than the stated purpose that's clear--but like I've heard suggested, try quitting it for a month/year and see if you can.
When you put some kind of extra substance into your body for a while, your basic physiology is bound to change, at least temporarily. Maybe all of these questions can be answered by you quickly without the blur of the Benadryl etc... I'm noticing my mind is a *lot* clearer these days, and I'm able to see things differently than I did even a few months ago, when I thought I was thinking more clearly.
Take care of yourself, be safe, and good luck on the test,
TB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 31
Sure I could be a Benadryl addict- it's not that it matters. I've been sober long enough to be seeing "clearly." I don't think the Benadryl makes a huge difference. I'm always in a cloud. And yet something keeps telling me not to take the Lexapro, not to get better... just to sleep and avoid people. I thought it was because of things at home being bad, but they've gotten better- and I haven't. I feel that I am letting myself down all the time. I can't be the person I want to be.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Have you spoken to your doctor about all of this? Maybe voice any concerns about taking Lexapro? Voice concerns to other people who care about you. You need to get this out and not just here at SR. Depression is a bad disease where people sleep alot. Are sad all the time. And even become suicidal.
I lost my uncle and my father to suicide. Trust me, it devastates a family. Completely. I don't think we ever, fully, recover from. My uncle died when I was 13 and the pain is less, but I think that is only because I understand MORE. He was a cocaine addict. Tired of his life. Tired of chasing the high and not being able to stop. Losing job after job. Writing bad check after bad check.. Ya know??
I am not saying these are the things going on in your life or anything like that, just example of what depression can do. Before my eldest son got on medications, he was severely depressed over losing his favorite grandmother (illness) and ONLY grandfather (suicide) in the SAME year. He was at school and threatened to kill himself. Depression is treatable. I took him to the doctors and he got therapy. A place to talk things out. And medications to treat his depression and ADHD. Trust me, I didn't believe in those things at the time, but once he improved, I became a believer and he's 18 now, no medications.
He's always got to watch out for depression to sneak up on him and bipolar and schizophrenia does run in the family, along with addiction (we're all mental basket cases!). But he's healthy and happier today.
See your doctor. Talk to your parents, friends, other family members. People that love you.
I lost my uncle and my father to suicide. Trust me, it devastates a family. Completely. I don't think we ever, fully, recover from. My uncle died when I was 13 and the pain is less, but I think that is only because I understand MORE. He was a cocaine addict. Tired of his life. Tired of chasing the high and not being able to stop. Losing job after job. Writing bad check after bad check.. Ya know??
I am not saying these are the things going on in your life or anything like that, just example of what depression can do. Before my eldest son got on medications, he was severely depressed over losing his favorite grandmother (illness) and ONLY grandfather (suicide) in the SAME year. He was at school and threatened to kill himself. Depression is treatable. I took him to the doctors and he got therapy. A place to talk things out. And medications to treat his depression and ADHD. Trust me, I didn't believe in those things at the time, but once he improved, I became a believer and he's 18 now, no medications.
He's always got to watch out for depression to sneak up on him and bipolar and schizophrenia does run in the family, along with addiction (we're all mental basket cases!). But he's healthy and happier today. See your doctor. Talk to your parents, friends, other family members. People that love you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 31
Yeah it's all in my family too. Bi-polar, schizophrenia.. you name it, we've got it. My uncle also committed suicide when I was around 11- and it's true, you don't get over it. My mom's best friend, who I called aunt as a kid, died of a cocaine overdose. I really do know where you're coming from. I feel like dying all the time, but it just comes with the territory.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by MAB 
I feel like dying all the time, but it just comes with the territory.
I have lived in the depression territory for my entire adult life. I am 50 years old now, and I feel better than when I was 30, and deeply in the abyss.
I took prozac for years, and it worked for years, then I had to change to effexor.
Please talk to your doctor about your problems with lexapro, the doctor cannot know what is happening unless you tell him/her.
If you are not gonna take lexapro for any reason, then it is not gonna work for you. I know it is simple, buy I waited for prozac to work while still actively drinking, that was when i was still in the territory.
Really, MAB, you can feel better. Just talk to someone.
Beth
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