Opinions/advice needed and welcomed...at my wits end
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flamborough, Ontario
Posts: 12
Opinions/advice needed and welcomed...at my wits end
Hello to all,
I have searched and searched for a forum that I could come too for both opinions and advise. I read some of the posts and feel confident that I have found the right forum for honest answers/help.
Long story short:
I have known my bf for 2 years now but have only been dating him for 5 months. He is going through a horrible divorce with a mentally challenged woman (this is not my or his diagnosis...this comes from social workers). He is an alcoholic, 54, living with his Dad, 2 children under 8 in custody of the mother, he has visitation rights - supervised. His history is a weekend alcoholic, a six pack Saturday and Sunday night.
With an impending court case to make the divorce final he was required to get a hair test. He did and it came back clean. He hadn't had a drink for 3 months and he was attending 3 AA meetings/week up until this point. Once the test results came back he stopped attending his meetings, blaming it on Christmas holidays, wanting to relax, etc. Within a week he was drunk and wanted to see me, I told him I wouldn't be responsible for his drinking and driving because if he killed an innocent party I couldn't live with the guilt. He drove anyways, he was a complete jerk, he stunk, he spoke in a high and mighty attitude and turned me off and made me so angry. How dare he come into my home, with my daughter there, start swearing and acting out of character. Needless to say it was a few days before I spoke to him again.
When I had calmed down enough to speak to him I told him I would not see him on his meeting nights because he needed to get back of the wagon. He didn't like that but agreed.
The next time he fell off the wagon was a couple of weeks later. LESS than 24 hours after his AA meeting he phoned...DRUNK.... Again he was a jerk and I didn't want to speak to him so I told him not to phone me when he was drunk and I hung up. The next day I told him I was having a hard time wrapping my head around his drinking...24 HOURS after attending an AA meeting he was drunk. I also told him that I would not come 2nd to a glass of beer. He said not to worry, it was all good and he was back on the wagon.
True to his word, he was back on track after that. Working out at the gym, attending his meetings, etc. Then whaaaamo...after telling me on a Friday night he was tired and was going to his AA meeting than home to bed...he went out and got drunk...right after his AA meeting. I found this out when he called me on Saturday complaining of a hangover, lacking motivation, didn't really want to go out because it was cold, but he would come over if I wanted him to. I told him to stay home. Sunday I blew up when he phoned. I told him I was tired of having my weekends ruined and again told him I won't come 2nd to a glass of beer. He said he needs to focus on his recovery and once he's back on the wagon it's easy. It was at the tip of my tongue to tell him to call me when this happens but I didn't. I told him I didn't know if I wanted him to call me again and if he did call me I didn't know how I would respond. He said he would check in in a few days. I hung up. It's only been a day so I don't know if he will phone or not.
I have feelings for this man and would love to see a future with him but I have a 9 year old daughter to worry about. During the 5 months we have been dating I have been the caring, nurturing person. I cook meals for him, make him lunches, have done his laundry (once), and supported him through the horrible times with his wife (ex). I have received nothing in return. He has never brought groceries into the house, offered money or anything. In fact in our 5 months we have been to 2 movies, no dinner dates, flowers, nothing. Mind you I haven't said anything yet...key word "yet". He plunks himself on the couch, puts his feet up and watches television while I cook, clean, launder, etc. His own life isn't much better. He has been saying he wants to buy a house, yet hasn't looked at any yet. He has said he wants to do renovations on his Dad's home, and mine...nothing yet. He has all these great ideas but does nothing with them.
I am so frustrated...I want to stick this out, after talking to him about contributing a little of course. I want to support him through this bad time but I am honestly feeling angrier and angrier every day.
Now that was the long story short version, imagine the long story
Thanks to all who took the time reading this.
I have searched and searched for a forum that I could come too for both opinions and advise. I read some of the posts and feel confident that I have found the right forum for honest answers/help.
Long story short:
I have known my bf for 2 years now but have only been dating him for 5 months. He is going through a horrible divorce with a mentally challenged woman (this is not my or his diagnosis...this comes from social workers). He is an alcoholic, 54, living with his Dad, 2 children under 8 in custody of the mother, he has visitation rights - supervised. His history is a weekend alcoholic, a six pack Saturday and Sunday night.
With an impending court case to make the divorce final he was required to get a hair test. He did and it came back clean. He hadn't had a drink for 3 months and he was attending 3 AA meetings/week up until this point. Once the test results came back he stopped attending his meetings, blaming it on Christmas holidays, wanting to relax, etc. Within a week he was drunk and wanted to see me, I told him I wouldn't be responsible for his drinking and driving because if he killed an innocent party I couldn't live with the guilt. He drove anyways, he was a complete jerk, he stunk, he spoke in a high and mighty attitude and turned me off and made me so angry. How dare he come into my home, with my daughter there, start swearing and acting out of character. Needless to say it was a few days before I spoke to him again.
When I had calmed down enough to speak to him I told him I would not see him on his meeting nights because he needed to get back of the wagon. He didn't like that but agreed.
The next time he fell off the wagon was a couple of weeks later. LESS than 24 hours after his AA meeting he phoned...DRUNK.... Again he was a jerk and I didn't want to speak to him so I told him not to phone me when he was drunk and I hung up. The next day I told him I was having a hard time wrapping my head around his drinking...24 HOURS after attending an AA meeting he was drunk. I also told him that I would not come 2nd to a glass of beer. He said not to worry, it was all good and he was back on the wagon.
True to his word, he was back on track after that. Working out at the gym, attending his meetings, etc. Then whaaaamo...after telling me on a Friday night he was tired and was going to his AA meeting than home to bed...he went out and got drunk...right after his AA meeting. I found this out when he called me on Saturday complaining of a hangover, lacking motivation, didn't really want to go out because it was cold, but he would come over if I wanted him to. I told him to stay home. Sunday I blew up when he phoned. I told him I was tired of having my weekends ruined and again told him I won't come 2nd to a glass of beer. He said he needs to focus on his recovery and once he's back on the wagon it's easy. It was at the tip of my tongue to tell him to call me when this happens but I didn't. I told him I didn't know if I wanted him to call me again and if he did call me I didn't know how I would respond. He said he would check in in a few days. I hung up. It's only been a day so I don't know if he will phone or not.
I have feelings for this man and would love to see a future with him but I have a 9 year old daughter to worry about. During the 5 months we have been dating I have been the caring, nurturing person. I cook meals for him, make him lunches, have done his laundry (once), and supported him through the horrible times with his wife (ex). I have received nothing in return. He has never brought groceries into the house, offered money or anything. In fact in our 5 months we have been to 2 movies, no dinner dates, flowers, nothing. Mind you I haven't said anything yet...key word "yet". He plunks himself on the couch, puts his feet up and watches television while I cook, clean, launder, etc. His own life isn't much better. He has been saying he wants to buy a house, yet hasn't looked at any yet. He has said he wants to do renovations on his Dad's home, and mine...nothing yet. He has all these great ideas but does nothing with them.
I am so frustrated...I want to stick this out, after talking to him about contributing a little of course. I want to support him through this bad time but I am honestly feeling angrier and angrier every day.
Now that was the long story short version, imagine the long story
Thanks to all who took the time reading this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by pitario 
I am so frustrated...I want to stick this out, after talking to him about contributing a little of course. I want to support him through this bad time but I am honestly feeling angrier and angrier every day.
After reading your brief story, I am wondering about this I quoted above.
You said some things about the relationship that have caused you anger, and (I'm guessing here) may have made you end up feeling used.
Can I ask what are the positive things this man brings to the table?
It is my opinion that if you have to have a discussion about him contributing, that in itself indicates an unbalanced relationship.
Please, enlighten about this aspect.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
During the 5 months we have been dating I have been the caring, nurturing person. I cook meals for him, make him lunches, have done his laundry (once), and supported him through the horrible times with his wife (ex). I have received nothing in return. He has never brought groceries into the house, offered money or anything. In fact in our 5 months we have been to 2 movies, no dinner dates, flowers, nothing.
I'm still trying to figure out why on earth you would want a future with this man. I don't mean to sound harsh, but he sounds positively horrible. Why would you consider your daughter living with a person like this?
I'm still trying to figure out why on earth you would want a future with this man. I don't mean to sound harsh, but he sounds positively horrible. Why would you consider your daughter living with a person like this?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
He is who he is - the sitting on the couch while you do the work- the not contributing - the swearing- the drinking. If you can live with those things ..Have at it. I dated that man and now I am married to him - still the same drinking making excuses smelly man. Just my Opinion.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
My personal opinion is that he's been sneaking all the while,
and when the hair test came back okay
he figured he could do what he wants
because it didn't catch him.
And that
is why it's escalated.
I will put my vote with - there is no happy future with this.
and when the hair test came back okay
he figured he could do what he wants
because it didn't catch him.
And that
is why it's escalated.
I will put my vote with - there is no happy future with this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flamborough, Ontario
Posts: 12
This is the exact reason I came to this forum. I know what I need to do but there was just a little shadow of doubt so I figured I would throw it out there and see what sort of responses I receive. I'm reading my own thoughts. Thank you
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
It's oh so much easier to end the relationship now than 2 or 3 years down the road after you have possibly married him or have more time invested. If after only 5 months you have this many doubts, my guess is you know he's not the man for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
"He plunks himself on the couch, puts his feet up and watches television while I cook, clean, launder, etc. His own life isn't much better. He has been saying he wants to buy a house, yet hasn't looked at any yet. He has said he wants to do renovations on his Dad's home, and mine...nothing yet. He has all these great ideas but does nothing with them."
I know you say you want a future with this man...but you need to look at the above statement with WIDE OPEN EYES! That is what your future will be like. Period.
I know you have feelings for him, but sometimes I think you need to ask yourself if you are wanting a future with HIM (as is)...or a future with the HIM that you have a wonderful picture of in your head?
I feel your pain and I have been there, but I really think you need to look at the whole picture and ask yourself if this is the type of person you really want in your life and in your daughters life.
I know you say you want a future with this man...but you need to look at the above statement with WIDE OPEN EYES! That is what your future will be like. Period.
I know you have feelings for him, but sometimes I think you need to ask yourself if you are wanting a future with HIM (as is)...or a future with the HIM that you have a wonderful picture of in your head?
I feel your pain and I have been there, but I really think you need to look at the whole picture and ask yourself if this is the type of person you really want in your life and in your daughters life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flamborough, Ontario
Posts: 12
When he is sober he is a nice person. I put the lack of contribution down to being emotionally unavailable and possibly a little nudge might wake him up. Thinking about it honestly though, and after reading a lot of the posts here, a little nudge isn't going to work.
He has confided in a mutual friend that he does not want the relationship to end and is very concerned that it may. However, his concern is over the actions of his ex wife and had nothing to do with alcohol.
He knows that I am very serious about his sobriety at this point and I will not accept his drunken behaviour or continuous relapses.
My daughter does come first. She is very fond of him and all I can do is hope she understands, one day, why I did what I had to do.
He has confided in a mutual friend that he does not want the relationship to end and is very concerned that it may. However, his concern is over the actions of his ex wife and had nothing to do with alcohol.
He knows that I am very serious about his sobriety at this point and I will not accept his drunken behaviour or continuous relapses.
My daughter does come first. She is very fond of him and all I can do is hope she understands, one day, why I did what I had to do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I have a 9 year old daughter to worry about.
And that's all that matters! Will she understand one day? OMG on so many deep levels - because what you will do by not allowing this man into your life is teach her some very real and lasting lessons about how adults treat each other in an intimate relationship, about what are "fun" and meaningful activities for friends to do together and what behaviors are rude and unacceptable. And mostly that you are not a maid or a doormat!
When he is sober he is a nice person.
We can all say that about our alcoholic loved ones - often the truth is more complicated - how can we separate the drinker from the sober person? They are really one and the same, flip side of the coin. Many make the mistake that if the alcohol were gone the person would then have all these wonderful traits at the surface - but that is never true - because an alcoholic is dependent opn alcohol to function - so even if he is "sober" and pleasant - it is only in relation to the next moment when he may be plastered and unpleasant. There are not 2 people in there - he is one solid integrated person and a large part of him is consumed by alcoholism.
Thinking about it honestly though, and after reading a lot of the posts here, a little nudge isn't going to work.
What you've described sounds like a typical alcoholic roller-coaster merry-go-round nightmare! Get off that ride before it makes you sick!
And for heaven's sake take yourself out to a movie? mani-pedi? delicious meal at a busy restaurant where you can people watch or read a novel? buy yourself some roses and a bottle of bubble bath and spend some joyful time with someone who properly loves you (yourself...or your Dear Daughter!).
peace & good luck--
b
And that's all that matters! Will she understand one day? OMG on so many deep levels - because what you will do by not allowing this man into your life is teach her some very real and lasting lessons about how adults treat each other in an intimate relationship, about what are "fun" and meaningful activities for friends to do together and what behaviors are rude and unacceptable. And mostly that you are not a maid or a doormat!
When he is sober he is a nice person.
We can all say that about our alcoholic loved ones - often the truth is more complicated - how can we separate the drinker from the sober person? They are really one and the same, flip side of the coin. Many make the mistake that if the alcohol were gone the person would then have all these wonderful traits at the surface - but that is never true - because an alcoholic is dependent opn alcohol to function - so even if he is "sober" and pleasant - it is only in relation to the next moment when he may be plastered and unpleasant. There are not 2 people in there - he is one solid integrated person and a large part of him is consumed by alcoholism.
Thinking about it honestly though, and after reading a lot of the posts here, a little nudge isn't going to work.
What you've described sounds like a typical alcoholic roller-coaster merry-go-round nightmare! Get off that ride before it makes you sick!
And for heaven's sake take yourself out to a movie? mani-pedi? delicious meal at a busy restaurant where you can people watch or read a novel? buy yourself some roses and a bottle of bubble bath and spend some joyful time with someone who properly loves you (yourself...or your Dear Daughter!).
peace & good luck--
b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Bernadette
[COLOR="Red"]
When he is sober he is a nice person.
We can all say that about our alcoholic loved ones - often the truth is more complicated - how can we separate the drinker from the sober person? They are really one and the same, flip side of the coin. Many make the mistake that if the alcohol were gone the person would then have all these wonderful traits at the surface - but that is never true - because an alcoholic is dependent opn alcohol to function - so even if he is "sober" and pleasant - it is only in relation to the next moment when he may be plastered and unpleasant. There are not 2 people in there - he is one solid integrated person and a large part of him is consumed by alcoholism.
When he is sober he is a nice person.
We can all say that about our alcoholic loved ones - often the truth is more complicated - how can we separate the drinker from the sober person? They are really one and the same, flip side of the coin. Many make the mistake that if the alcohol were gone the person would then have all these wonderful traits at the surface - but that is never true - because an alcoholic is dependent opn alcohol to function - so even if he is "sober" and pleasant - it is only in relation to the next moment when he may be plastered and unpleasant. There are not 2 people in there - he is one solid integrated person and a large part of him is consumed by alcoholism.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote from pitario
( I cook meals for him, make him lunches, have done his laundry (once), and supported him through the horrible times with his wife (ex). I have received nothing in return. He has never brought groceries into the house, offered money or anything. In fact in our 5 months we have been to 2 movies, no dinner dates, flowers, nothing. Mind you I haven't said anything yet...key word "yet". He plunks himself on the couch, puts his feet up and watches television while I cook, clean, launder, etc. His own life isn't much better. He has been saying he wants to buy a house, yet hasn't looked at any yet. He has said he wants to do renovations on his Dad's home, and mine...nothing yet. He has all these great ideas but does nothing with them. ))
You really want or think you could have a future with this man?
My dear, I have the feeling that any future you and he had together would be better described as a DEAD END.
Apart from his drinking relapses, he does nothing to show he cares for or really respects you, just sits and gets waited on, while you run around doing what needs to be done.
Sorry my dear, if it were me, I hope I would ask him to contact me when he had been sober 12 months, had learnt how to treat a woman with courtesy, and had actually done something other than just yak about "what he'd like to do", buy house etc.
Frankly I don't think his wife is the only "mentally challenged" one in that marriage.
Sorry if I appear too blunt.
God bless
( I cook meals for him, make him lunches, have done his laundry (once), and supported him through the horrible times with his wife (ex). I have received nothing in return. He has never brought groceries into the house, offered money or anything. In fact in our 5 months we have been to 2 movies, no dinner dates, flowers, nothing. Mind you I haven't said anything yet...key word "yet". He plunks himself on the couch, puts his feet up and watches television while I cook, clean, launder, etc. His own life isn't much better. He has been saying he wants to buy a house, yet hasn't looked at any yet. He has said he wants to do renovations on his Dad's home, and mine...nothing yet. He has all these great ideas but does nothing with them. ))You really want or think you could have a future with this man?
My dear, I have the feeling that any future you and he had together would be better described as a DEAD END.
Apart from his drinking relapses, he does nothing to show he cares for or really respects you, just sits and gets waited on, while you run around doing what needs to be done.
Sorry my dear, if it were me, I hope I would ask him to contact me when he had been sober 12 months, had learnt how to treat a woman with courtesy, and had actually done something other than just yak about "what he'd like to do", buy house etc.
Frankly I don't think his wife is the only "mentally challenged" one in that marriage.
Sorry if I appear too blunt.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by pitario
When he is sober he is a nice person.
From your post, it sounds like you aren't willing to accept that.
Originally Posted by pitario
I put the lack of contribution down to being emotionally unavailable and possibly a little nudge might wake him up. Thinking about it honestly though, and after reading a lot of the posts here, a little nudge isn't going to work.
As much as your daughter likes this man, by continuing in a relationship with him, you are modelling a relationship where it is acceptable for a woman to be second-class to her partner. You may have to "hurt" her by keeping this man at bay in order to ensure her safety and model the right kind of attachment.
Keep posting!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Welcome pitario,
Good for you for posting and asking others for help!
The behavior of the man whom you describe is VERY familiar to me and, I'm sure, familiar to many of us here on Friends & Family. In fact, your description of this man describes to a "T" a few of my old boyfriends. Most alcoholics are very predictable; there really aren't any "special" ones out there; they're all pretty much the same.
Pitario, the best predictor of how this man will treat you in the future is how he has treated you thus far. I can safely and with confidence say that the behavior you have described is not likely to change, even if he does quit drinking entirely and stays quit.
My advise to you is: (1) Stop doing for the alcoholic anything he is capable of doing himself. I can assure you that, as a grown adult male, he is fully capable of taking care of EVERYTHING he needs. (2) Go to Al-Anon and try to find out what you are doing with this guy in the first place. And (3) Find a new, sober boyfriend who doesn't treat you like crap.
Take care of yourself.
Good for you for posting and asking others for help!
The behavior of the man whom you describe is VERY familiar to me and, I'm sure, familiar to many of us here on Friends & Family. In fact, your description of this man describes to a "T" a few of my old boyfriends. Most alcoholics are very predictable; there really aren't any "special" ones out there; they're all pretty much the same.
Pitario, the best predictor of how this man will treat you in the future is how he has treated you thus far. I can safely and with confidence say that the behavior you have described is not likely to change, even if he does quit drinking entirely and stays quit.
My advise to you is: (1) Stop doing for the alcoholic anything he is capable of doing himself. I can assure you that, as a grown adult male, he is fully capable of taking care of EVERYTHING he needs. (2) Go to Al-Anon and try to find out what you are doing with this guy in the first place. And (3) Find a new, sober boyfriend who doesn't treat you like crap.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Why would you ever!
Hello Pitaro:
My initial reaction is the same as the others you are getting. WHAT is attractive about this man? He sounds like a nightmare. Clearly there is something about him that attracts you, but to an outside observer, it is completely obscured.
Do you pity him?
Do you want to help him?
Is your attraction to him based mainly on compassion/pity/charity?
It would be interesting for you to go back and read your post. It would tell you a lot. I remember one time when I was seeing my therapist, and after I had spoken a long time, telling the therapist my feelings, she said something about the situation was the blindingly rational and clear. I said, "wow" how did you come up with that? She replied that she was just reflecting back to me what I had said.
I still remember this, after probably 40 years.
Electa
My initial reaction is the same as the others you are getting. WHAT is attractive about this man? He sounds like a nightmare. Clearly there is something about him that attracts you, but to an outside observer, it is completely obscured.
Do you pity him?
Do you want to help him?
Is your attraction to him based mainly on compassion/pity/charity?
It would be interesting for you to go back and read your post. It would tell you a lot. I remember one time when I was seeing my therapist, and after I had spoken a long time, telling the therapist my feelings, she said something about the situation was the blindingly rational and clear. I said, "wow" how did you come up with that? She replied that she was just reflecting back to me what I had said.
I still remember this, after probably 40 years.
Electa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flamborough, Ontario
Posts: 12
Stella27 - The reason the wife has custody and bf has supervised visits is because of her lies and manipulation with the authorities. Now after reading all of the posts I am wondering if she is as bad as made out to be. I have been told she has had him charged with harassment - this I know was a made up story as I have been with him most of the time, no not all of the time, but most. She has had the police attend a visit, sit and wait for it to end and then follow him home, this was to ensure her safety. She took the children away for 2 weeks at Christmas, left the country, court papers state she can not leave the country without his written consent - being caught depended on if they were stoped at the border or not, according to his lawyer. He and her family have been witness to serious verbal abuse - calling the children f'n idiots, stupid, dumb, etc. Social services hands are tied right now. When she charged him with harassment it took a turn in his favor as she told 5 different stories to 5 different authoritative figures. The children have a lawyer and they are very concerned for the children's well being and this will be brought up in court at the end of the month. Unfortunately with the way our laws in Canada are written unless the children are not being fed or clothed your hands are tied. There are many other instances involving the ex wife, apparently the worst yet I am not privy to right now.
Although this man seems less than stellar, he is not abusive. He has a very mild personality and is not easily upset. Yes he gets mouthy when drinking but I would never believe this man to harm anything or anyone. No I'm not getting soft, just being honest.
Electa - I have gone back and read my original post, numerous times and yes it does sound very obscured. I don't pity him. I truly believe there is a good person under all of this but he is so smothered with confusion I don't think the real him will ever emerge. Of course I want to help him, as a friend, not a lover. It's very hard to explain and also very confusing. My compassion is not based on compassion/pity/charity. Again it is based on the belief that something wonderful is being hidden.
Mutual friends know and think highly of this man. He is educated and very well read. Most know of his trials and tribulations, some don't.
Is it true, for the most part that most alcoholics have an underlying issue stemming from an early, traumatic childhood event? I have done a lot of reading and it is said over and over again that an alcoholic must truly reach rock bottom before they will reach sobriety. Have most of you found this to be true? I am trying to understand this disease, if for no other reason than my own education.
I think I am now thinking myself to death
Although this man seems less than stellar, he is not abusive. He has a very mild personality and is not easily upset. Yes he gets mouthy when drinking but I would never believe this man to harm anything or anyone. No I'm not getting soft, just being honest.
Electa - I have gone back and read my original post, numerous times and yes it does sound very obscured. I don't pity him. I truly believe there is a good person under all of this but he is so smothered with confusion I don't think the real him will ever emerge. Of course I want to help him, as a friend, not a lover. It's very hard to explain and also very confusing. My compassion is not based on compassion/pity/charity. Again it is based on the belief that something wonderful is being hidden.
Mutual friends know and think highly of this man. He is educated and very well read. Most know of his trials and tribulations, some don't.
Is it true, for the most part that most alcoholics have an underlying issue stemming from an early, traumatic childhood event? I have done a lot of reading and it is said over and over again that an alcoholic must truly reach rock bottom before they will reach sobriety. Have most of you found this to be true? I am trying to understand this disease, if for no other reason than my own education.
I think I am now thinking myself to death
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flamborough, Ontario
Posts: 12
I remember one time when I was seeing my therapist, and after I had spoken a long time, telling the therapist my feelings, she said something about the situation was the blindingly rational and clear.
Electa[/QUOTE]
Electa - could you explain this a little more?
Electa[/QUOTE]
Electa - could you explain this a little more?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flamborough, Ontario
Posts: 12
Learn2live:
"Good for you for posting and asking others for help!"
Thank you. I figure if anyone can help it's people who have been there and done that.
"My advise to you is: (1) Stop doing for the alcoholic anything he is capable of doing himself. I can assure you that, as a grown adult male, he is fully capable of taking care of EVERYTHING he needs. (2) Go to Al-Anon and try to find out what you are doing with this guy in the first place. And (3) Find a new, sober boyfriend who doesn't treat you like crap."
I have stopped doing these things. I no longer invite him to dinner, if he shows up and there are leftovers he gets those. I don't do his laundry, he called me from the laundry mat on Sunday, I think he was looking for an invite but I didn't buy into it. I have looked into Al-Anon, unfortunately I live rural and there are not a lot of meetings to chose from. Working full time doesn't help but I am aiming to head to my first meeting on the 16th - no this doesn't mean I am going to stick it out with him until then. As for finding a new, sober boyfriend who doesn't treat me like crap - no thanks - I haven't dated for 9 years, if this is my first introduction back into the dating world I can do without it
I survived, very nicely, up until now.
"Good for you for posting and asking others for help!"
Thank you. I figure if anyone can help it's people who have been there and done that.
"My advise to you is: (1) Stop doing for the alcoholic anything he is capable of doing himself. I can assure you that, as a grown adult male, he is fully capable of taking care of EVERYTHING he needs. (2) Go to Al-Anon and try to find out what you are doing with this guy in the first place. And (3) Find a new, sober boyfriend who doesn't treat you like crap."
I have stopped doing these things. I no longer invite him to dinner, if he shows up and there are leftovers he gets those. I don't do his laundry, he called me from the laundry mat on Sunday, I think he was looking for an invite but I didn't buy into it. I have looked into Al-Anon, unfortunately I live rural and there are not a lot of meetings to chose from. Working full time doesn't help but I am aiming to head to my first meeting on the 16th - no this doesn't mean I am going to stick it out with him until then. As for finding a new, sober boyfriend who doesn't treat me like crap - no thanks - I haven't dated for 9 years, if this is my first introduction back into the dating world I can do without it
I survived, very nicely, up until now.
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