Opinions/advice needed and welcomed...at my wits end

Old 02-02-2010, 03:20 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post

As much as your daughter likes this man, by continuing in a relationship with him, you are modelling a relationship where it is acceptable for a woman to be second-class to her partner. You may have to "hurt" her by keeping this man at bay in order to ensure her safety and model the right kind of attachment.

Keep posting!
I can't afford to do this. I am her role model and she only deserves the best with her relationships. I know she is paying attention so I need to be careful.
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Old 02-02-2010, 03:56 PM
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I will not accept his drunken behaviour or continuous relapses.
This is a great boundary. When are you going to start enforcing it? Because so far, you have excepted drunken behavior and continuous relapses.

Maybe you can give him the dignity and space to let him get his life in order. It doesn't sound like he's capable of a healthy relationship right now. If he's going to get better, he needs to be able to focus all his energy on his recovery. Right now he doesn't have much to offer you. Anyone can be nice when they aren't drunk. But that's not enough to base a mutually satisfying, healthy, loving relationship on.

It just doesn't sound like he'd make a great stepfather for your daughter. Ewww...

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. He is who he is. And he has been that way for a really long time.

Is that good enough for you?
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Old 02-02-2010, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
[I]

i dare to suggest that there is A LOT MORE to this story than you have been told. and i also suggest this is a man with more red flags hanging off him than the United Nations.....this may be a good time to take those two steps back (or twelve.....) and really reassess things - from the perspective of WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. cuz so far all that has come out is how needy he is, and troubled, and stuff.....i'm just not hearing where this is a healthy life affirming situation for YOU........????
Oh there is a lot more to this story. He has told me there is more but isn't ready to tell yet. Another red flag - I need the entire story so I can make an honest decision. If he can't tell me for fear of me leaving, or whatever reason he has, it blew up in his face because I'm gone anyway.
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Old 02-02-2010, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
This is a great boundary. When are you going to start enforcing it? Because so far, you have excepted drunken behavior and continuous relapses.

Maybe you can give him the dignity and space to let him get his life in order. It doesn't sound like he's capable of a healthy relationship right now. If he's going to get better, he needs to be able to focus all his energy on his recovery. Right now he doesn't have much to offer you. Anyone can be nice when they aren't drunk. But that's not enough to base a mutually satisfying, healthy, loving relationship on.

It just doesn't sound like he'd make a great stepfather for your daughter. Ewww...

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. He is who he is. And he has been that way for a really long time.

Is that good enough for you?
Yes that's good enough for me. The relapses only started at Christmas time so I haven't tolerated it for that long really. I immediately put things in place so as not to enable him, unfortunately they haven't worked. Each time he relapses, which is a total of 4 times, I have uped the auntie. The fourth relapse brought me here. I believe he knows what is going to happen, then again maybe not, he said he would give me a few days to calm down. I immediately told him not to be surprised if it would take longer than that.

I will talk to him when he phones, I have no interest in phoning him and that is the only reason I am waiting for him to call. I will do everything in my power to let him walk away with his dignity and space. I am not out to make him feel any worse than I'm sure he already does. I do not hate him nor do I dislike him but I will not subject myself, or my daughter, to this when I know we can survive without him.
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Old 02-02-2010, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by pitario View Post
Oh there is a lot more to this story. He has told me there is more but isn't ready to tell yet. Another red flag - I need the entire story so I can make an honest decision. If he can't tell me for fear of me leaving, or whatever reason he has, it blew up in his face because I'm gone anyway.


One of my exes would drop a huge emotional bombshell on me (ex. mother sexually abused him!) and when i would ask,
good god, why have you never mentioned this before?!?!?!?
his answer,
you never asked.
okay, so i have to pull every stinkin truth out of you?
uh, no thanks.
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Old 02-02-2010, 04:22 PM
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Good for you for deciding to go to Al-Anon! Now don't forget to go! Reading posts here on SR will help you learn more about alcoholism and alcoholics too. But, there's nothing like Al-Anon for learning about this whole mess.

Good for you also for not doing anything else he can do for himself! Take the things he says to you, especially about the mother of his children, with a grain of salt. Remember, there are two sides to every story

Take good care of yourself and keep reading
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Old 02-02-2010, 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by pitario View Post
Oh there is a lot more to this story. He has told me there is more but isn't ready to tell yet. Another red flag - I need the entire story so I can make an honest decision. If he can't tell me for fear of me leaving, or whatever reason he has, it blew up in his face because I'm gone anyway.
Just curious, you say you "need the entire story." How will that change his behavior?

Do you want a relationship with this man, exactly the way he is RIGHT NOW? Because you did not cause his drinking. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Assume that he will always be just the way he is at this moment and then ask yourself why you are equivocating. You deserve a healthy relationship with a loving, caring, responsible person who treats you as well as you treat them. Your daughter needs you to model that women have self esteem and that they do not accept poor treatment from men.

From your descriptions, there is nothing about this man that is healthy, happy, or good for you and your daughter. He sounds like a total sponge, living off of his parents and you, contributing nothing and making everybody else the bad guy. I think you will be better off without him.

Seconding the suggestions to go to Al-Anon. Explore why you have allowed someone to treat you this way at all.
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Old 02-02-2010, 04:29 PM
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Cowgirl1265: The entire story will not change his behaviour. Your point is well made and completely understood.


What an empowering site!!! I can't thank everyone enough for your support through this. I knew I picked the right bunch. Thank you!!!!!
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Old 02-02-2010, 04:31 PM
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it is often recommended that a newly sober person focus solely on himself and learning to live a sober life, process feelings, make ammends, etc, for one year prior to dating/being in a relationship.

if you can't quite bear to kick him to the curb just now, tell him that in order for you to feel like you two have a chance at something real, he needs to get up on that wagon, and stay on it for one year, then he can call you up and ask you out. this strategy does a few things: for one, he can't argue with you (or lie) saying "i'm sober now!".

i got a hundred bucks says he either won't call you, or you won't answer.
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Old 02-02-2010, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
it is often recommended that a newly sober person focus solely on himself and learning to live a sober life, process feelings, make ammends, etc, for one year prior to dating/being in a relationship.

if you can't quite bear to kick him to the curb just now, tell him that in order for you to feel like you two have a chance at something real, he needs to get up on that wagon, and stay on it for one year, then he can call you up and ask you out. this strategy does a few things: for one, he can't argue with you (or lie) saying "i'm sober now!".

i got a hundred bucks says he either won't call you, or you won't answer.
Funny you mention about living sober for a year. He brought this up the other night and said because of his age he didn't want to wait the year. Yes, this raised yet another flag with me. I told him that AA has been around longer than he has been an alcoholic and I figure they know what they are talking about. He still begged to differ. I have spent a lot of time thinking about our next conversation and I had figured I was going to say something along your lines.

I believe he will call, he has never not phoned me when he said he would. At least he was reliable for that. You are probably right about my not answering though. Every time the phone rings my daughter answers it, besides I wouldn't do that to him. He needs to know where he stands.
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Old 02-02-2010, 05:34 PM
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point well taken. peace,
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Old 02-03-2010, 04:39 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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My stbx AH whined endlessly that I didn't want to have sex with him. I told him very clearly it was the alcohol and why. (In fact I have an open letter written to him on the subject on this forum). But no matter what I said or how often, he was sure it was something else. It was... it was that I didn't like pubic hair. So he shaved down there and presented himself and was disppointed, almost outraged that I still wasn't interested and in fact did not even notice. After all, he hadn't a clue, and had thought and thought and thought about why I wasn't interested in sex any more, and all he could come up with was it must be pubic hair. I didn't like pubic hair. It could possibly be anything else.

LOL. What a fool.

They cannot hear complaints against their beloved alcohol. They cannot believe that alcohol is the 'real reason' you are angry. It's got to be something else. In my stbx AH' case, it was pubic hair.

I'm so sorry, this has me ROLLING with laughter, tears down my face at work.....

it's funny 'cos it's true, (oh and sad too ).

H thinks I have left him for another imaginary man. it doesn't matter how often I broken record, "it's your drinking behaviour and behaviour when you're drinking", he can't hear it: "what's that you say? you don't feel appreciated as a sexy woman? I'll buy you some lingerie", "what's that you say? you are depressed because you aren't close with your family", blah, blah,

but LOL: :rotfxko

pubic hair

Pitaro: well, just everything Bucyn and the other's said really:

he isn't a prize, a wronged, misunderstood man with hidden depths that needs the love of a good woman to bring out his true potential. He doesn't need a champion. He is EXACTLY what you can see, a 54 year old alcoholic who is drinking, living with his dad allowed supervised visitation with his children, he is mouthy when drunk, he drink drives, he is not responsible for himself, he is not generous with his time or money and is happy for others to take care of him, he is sometimes nice.

You have a 9 year old daughter.

What's the best-case scenario here? that he is depressed and unable to take responsibility for himself and to see his own children, because of a "mentally unstable", abusive ex who was making up harassment charges (something btw you will never be sure of, even if she is abusive, doesn't mean that he isn't as well).

Even in this unlikely and blame-shifting best case, what would you be losing by missing out on all the drama that his world brings? Do you want to deal with a mentally unstable abusive extended member of your family? bring that damage around the ears of your daughter? what is SOOO great about him that it's worth the chaos and potential devastation of even the best-case scenario.

Aren't there other potential partners out there for you who bring more to the table than this sorry man? don't you deserve more?
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Old 02-03-2010, 04:51 AM
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Pitaro,

Would you please read the above posts about three times, three different times. In your head come up with any objections to what these people are seeing. Then conduct a conversation: with yourself, your best friend, with us. It sounds kinda crazy.

Bucyn you are nailing this completely. Jen, I join you in laughter. (when i was in that situation, i finally said "ya know, maybe i'm frigid, maybe i'm a closet lesbian and i don't know it yet, i just know this is the way it is". it seemed easier and kinder to lie out that one, and we finally had a truce)

Pitaro, please do not read judgement here, or that we just don't understand. We understand because we have walked in similar shoes. Hope to hear from you soon
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Old 02-03-2010, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by pitario View Post

I also told him that I would not come 2nd to a glass of beer.
What a terrific boundary you have for yourself.

Any boundary is only as good as your willingness to enforce it. The rest is just noise.
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Old 02-03-2010, 08:14 AM
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Lifted this from some website:

It can be noted that hair tests were not used for alcohol testing until 2008. Up until this time, they were used mainly for drug testing. Now that hair tests have become a valid way to identify both drugs and alcohol, however, they will probably become more common as an increasing number of organizations, companies, and institutions upgrade and implement their drug and alcohol testing policies and procedures.
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Old 02-03-2010, 08:44 AM
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I assume a hair test would be relatively expensive to perform. Why would any municipality pay more to test for alcohol using a hair test, when they can just use a breathalyzer? Don't most courts and police have breathalyzers already?
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Old 02-03-2010, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
I assume a hair test would be relatively expensive to perform. Why would any municipality pay more to test for alcohol using a hair test, when they can just use a breathalyzer? Don't most courts and police have breathalyzers already?
Phew, finally a post I can answer without reading and re-reading it...this being said with wit and NOT in an unappreciated way. I will answer the other posts it is just taking awhile to digest everything being said. I sure am having my eyes wide open on this forum...wow.

Yes they can do breathalyzers but it only registers alcohol currently in the system, not months old. It is at the taxpayers expense therefore, like all other expenses we pay for, we are not privy to the amount. I would only assume that it is expensive. This particular test was done by Social Services at his home.
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Old 02-03-2010, 04:18 PM
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The only real question I would be asking myself if I were in your shoes is;

Do I and my daughter want or need this man and all his baggage in our lives?

My own answer to that is NO.



God bless
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Old 02-03-2010, 04:33 PM
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if you go to the drugstore and buy a 12-panel drug test, it is only about $20 more to purchase the hair test, which evaluates drugs in the system for the past three months. so in that way, it is much more cost effective
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Old 02-04-2010, 05:57 AM
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I'm so glad that I am so unfamiliar with drug tests. I had no concept about how the alcohol consumption months ago would show on the test. I also had no idea you could purchase these things in a drug store. Thank you God. And thanks for explaining those things to me.
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