MaryGoRound

Whew. Here I am. Just when I think my A is at his bottom, it's actually me at one of the lowest points. I feel so hopeless and worthless. I can't stop crying and I feel as if part of me will never be able to move on. I've tried no contact for extended periods of time. I've dated. I've been single. But that damn hope. I'm addicted to it. I have a problem. I can not accept that I have to let go. I am sick with the thought of this being the last time. He seems to get closer and closer and I just want to be there when he's clean. I face judgements from friends and family. Although, some are very warm and supportive of me. And thank God. Thank God for those people and people like all of you.

I tried contacting his family for the second time. No one responds to me. Why?! I've been so cautious to be polite and respectful but no one will offer me a single word. I say I don't want to cause trouble, I just need to know I am doing the right thing by backing away. I just want someone to say, I'm so sorry sweetheart for him doing this to you. We've been there. We are here. Or, f@*k off. I don't know. Something. But no one replies, even after I mention the fact that I don't understand why I'm being ignored.
What about compassion for me?!!

I'm so embarrassed for putting myself out there repeatedly. Over. Over. and Over. I am so ashamed I've been so foolish to fall in love with this person. To contact people who clearly have the audacity to contact him, but not even reply back to me. Even when I apologize to his family for contacting..they don't even say anything!!! WTF?!

I don't know my head from ass right now and no one will f-ing have the decency to offer me anything. I thought it was team pro treatment (me and family members who want to see him better) vs. team no treatment (him).
Why do people who supposedly want to help ignore me? I don't contact often....I just voiced my gentle concern and ask if its best to back away. To nothing. Has anyone experienced this?

How do face the day when every organ in your body feels as if it is bleeding internally and your so angry mostly at yourself? You feel like you need to start doing drugs because the pain is so deep. Something that you believe in so deeply you have to let of. And then you're angry all over again for being so pathetically weak. For wasting your time being so torn up. I'm the one who needs help. He's functioning just fine with his sociopathic empathy and denial. He will never feel a thing. And I am doubled over because I can't let this go. How do you keep going?

Rose56

Welcome Marygoround,
You are in the right place. It is so painful to love an alcoholic, that's why we need support and healing also. I also have a problem, I am addicted to a person that abuses alcohol, I care more about what he should be doing than myself. I need to learn how to focus on myself and leave him alone. Alanon has helped me with that. Are there Alanon meetings in your area? Please look it up on the internet and go to a meeting. It is not a quick fix, but I promise you it can help.
As far as his family, who knows what they are thinking? Forget them. Contacting them is another way to be engaged with him. What about your family and friends? Contact them and get support for your pain. And continue to post here. Others will come with more wisdom. Hang in there, help is on the way. You are worth it.

Insulated

No one responds to me. Why?

I've been in this circumstance. Actually, in the kitchen in his mom's house with her, her current husband and my DAAF passed out in the other room. One day I asked the question delicately "doesn't anyone notice that DAAF has a drug problem?" The response was so aloof it alarmed me. They said, "well it's hard". Guess what? One of them is an alcoholic and the other an oxy addict. One of them is dead now and so is my DAAF. Just a thought, but maybe the persons you're expressing your concern to, have addictions of they're own and that sub-culture has a way of minimizing things.

Insulated

Yes, you are definitely in the right place. No on will judge you. I have every single one of the feelings you do too! Seriously and probably more. The humiliation is what really got me down. The loss of myself. But that Co-Dependent No More book by Melodie Beattie....I've read it three times in the past 11 years and should read it annually. If you're a reader, the book is a must.

cmc

Welcome to SR.

I learned that I didn't have to feel that kind of pain anymore. I learned to detach from the things that are out of my control; which are- people, places & things.

Life becomes so much better for me once my focus is on the things within my control and I learn to make better choices & take positive action. Until I realized that truth, I was spinning my wheels; doing the same ineffective and non productive things over and over and getting the same results. Living that way was very destructive to my mental, emotional, spiritual, physical and even financial wellbeing.

In Al-Anon there's saying called the 3 C's of alcoholism.
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.

I learned a better way to live by attending Al-Anon, going to some counseling and coming here to SR.

Please take a look around the forum, and also check the sticky threads for some extra help. I'm glad you are coming here for help.

Jadmack25

Yes it is hard for families to front up and support their relative's partner, GF or spouse as so often those family members have their own hassles with addiction, denial, anger or plain fear.

My RABF has a sister who cannot face anything unpleasant, eg her late father's illness and coming death, her past as child and wife of A's, her brother's (my rabf) alcoholism etc. I call it Ostrich Mode, as in head in sand.

This non support from family and friends is why so many come to SR and go to Alanon. Here we can speak and be heard, relate stories and feelings and be understood, and know we are not alone in the madness of addiction.

Detaching is the hard part for me, and I know others also have trouble learning that lesson. Finally I got, that detachment is moving to a safe distance because I love me, not because I love the A less.

Fighting thru all the pent up emotions, fearful, angry, feeling rotten and miserable are, I fear part of the process of detaching....a bit like childbirth...for the baby.
Being dragged out of where it's been into something unknown, pushed thru a dark tunnel and into a new place where it has to breathe for itself.

I guess learning how to detach and grow from Codie to independant is like that.
Using our lungs to breathe on our own for the first time.

Gosh, did I get a bit carried away then?

God bless

MaryGoRound

Thank you all so much. I'm so grateful for this site. It comes in waves...of extreme distress and just an over-all numb feeling. I'm definitely an introverted type so I like to be alone, but I've noticed its a lot easier to go back to that pain when you're alone.

I keep hoping for a reply from them. People in my camp said the same thing, Insulated. They probably either don't care or simply can't anymore. I just wanted to hear something that I didn't have to feel ashamed for contacting. It was a risk. A risk that ended up probably making things worse. So horrific. This is addiction thing run deep. Bleeds into everyone around. Has anyone been able to love again? Everything seems so trivial and meaningless around me.

I do have Co. No More. I've read it. I'll read again. I duck taped the outside of mine so no one can know what I'm reading. LOL.

God, I love him. I'm so scared there will always be a part of me that longs for him. That 10 years from now...One random day when I'm alone looking out the window...I'll still think of him. No matter how successful, happy, busy I am...I just wish I never met him. A tiny piece will always be saved for him. And I absolutely cannot get rid of it. And I'm scared for myself. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm afraid of the hallow feeling of being surrounded by things and people, but empty and sad on the inside. Because what I really want. I'll never have.

Maybe I need to be less black and white. I feel like I have to shut him out completely mentally, but maybe it can just sort of be nothing instead. Like nothing either way. Part of me wants to grieve and mourn. The other part break **** and the other part hope. Hope is the only thing that saves me, yet its the only thing that destroys me. And I mean hope for me as well. Maybe hoping for an addict is my safe place. Because you get the same results every time.

MaryGoRound

and no jadmack, you didn't go too far. It was beautiful and so true.

Thats why part of me wants to just cry for days and days and just get it all out, but then the other part hopes to be able to pull it together temporarily. And I can't hope anymore. Its over.




<--- me except, I've made little dents into the wall. I can keep bashing my brains out to break it down completely, or I can just walk away.
I just feel so bad b.c I'm the only one who has made as much as a mark.
As much as I need to make may way through the tunnel...so does he. Alone. regardless of anything. So thank you.

Spiritual Seeker

Start working your own recovery program ...perhaps therapy and al-anon, yoga, etc.

Instead of hoping he gets well...have the hope that you can and move on.
Pain comes when we argue with reality. Accept what is.
Why are you clinging so tightly? Let go .......

barb dwyer

welcome!

RollTide

"Finally I got, that detachment is moving to a safe distance because I love me, not because I love the A less."

Thanks, Jadmack. I needed to hear that.

MaryGoRound

I keep thinking about how someone said...just because you detach doesn't mean love them less. I keep telling myself that and it really helps.

Went to my first Al-anon meeting. It was such a small meeting. i'm going to make it a commitment! I feel empowered already on some level. Excited to find myself again, but at the same time I f-ing have so much love for him....

doesn't mean i don't still him...doesn't mean i don't still love him...doesn't mean i don't still love him... Thanks!

I'm clinging tightly because I'm scared if I don't I'll loose him forever. I could. Or I could have faith. Or I could move on. For now I still want to believe that love will prevail. From afar. Its the only thing that keeps be going to believe in that. Because to me, it feels like a deep truth. I believe in him. But that doesn't mean I need to watch or hold his hand. I can believe that in my heart that no contact is what is best. Bottom line.

See? there's the hope again. It never dies!!!

Bernadette

Pain comes when we argue with reality. Accept what is.
Why are you clinging so tightly? Let go ...

Awesome. Thanks for this SpritualSeeker!

Welcome Marygoround-- keep posting! You're not alone.
peace-
b

Learn2Live

MaryGoRound, Ask yourself, what is it that you NEED that you are trying desperately to get these people to fulfill? It is an internal need. Only you can figure out what that is. To figure it out, are you going to Al-Anon? Are you in therapy? Have you gone to yoga? Have you sought out a Higher Power? Are you reading self-help books? Or what other programs or activities are you doing on a regular basis that will help you to self-reflect and find your Truth?

coffeedrinker

Mary,

I can so relate to much of what you are saying. This IS a safe place to get some of this out. Part of one of the statements that is said at the end of my
al-anon meeting is:

"...you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you."

What we have here on this forum are A LOT of different people. Some of them will speak in ways that you identify with, that you think are lovely, or maybe that seem abrasive to you. But please know, that every single one here cares about you as a human and a fellow sufferer. Please don't stay away because you fear judgement.

This above section of your post spoke the loudest to me. I actually asked myself once or twice if the pain was so bad that maybe I would like to experiment with some "pain killers". I knew even as I was thinking it that I wouldn't - never have - but still.....it is an awful, awful place to be.

You are making yourself ready for something, Mary. Trust that. Believe it.
We'll see ya around

coffeedrinker

oops, I wanted to ask you about contacting the family members. So do I understand that he does not live with you? And how did you make contact? Email? I think for a lot of people, emails are easy to ignore. Some don't even check more than once a month or so. It is rude and hurtful to not respond. But, I think we know there is some dysfunction in the family he's from. It's just part and parcel. It's, as one member said, the ostrich-in-the-sand syndrome. Some folks don't deal well with sensitive or painful things - perhaps you're a reminder of something that hurts these people.

MaryGoRound

Yeah. I am genuinely excited for the me time. I'm a full time student and at one time worked two jobs to attempt to support myself...So I tend to get satisfaction from being busy and "filling" I did go to short-term therapy for my own issues and like many of you, I grew up in a dysfunctional home. It helped a great deal and gave me the courage to move out. So i'm not one of those that is afraid or ashamed of therapy. It does feel defeating to think Oh, here I am again. But ya know, my whole life I had to learn to make my stepfather and mom happy, play their game, and not rock their boat. I had to pretend to be less than I am.

So hell yes, I am excited to re learn what it is I want and who I am. I've walked on egg shells for most of my life. So intellectually I understand all of this and why its happened etc. I could tell you how anyone feels and what they want from me. I had to to survive. Now me? No idea. I am a regular self-help reader. Four Agreements, Taming your Gremlin, Why Does Your Life Suck, Codependent No More, Lucid Living, Girlosophy, Return To Love, Power of a Positive No, Tiping Point, Deepak Chopra, The Games People PLay, Emotionally Abused Women...the list goes on.

But the question does remain. What I am doing for myself? I'm not sure I
m most comfortable overly stimulated because of the chaos I grew up in.
I believe that my A has taught me numerous things, already. Its a reflection.

Coffee I'm so glad you can relate. Because it is really awful. I wouldn't either, but the pain brings me back to lower points in my life. I know I can pull through, but I have moments throughout the day where I think, whoa...I need to get some help. And then I remember all the things I have learned. And I magically have all this support around me right now which is really helpful.

As far as family goes it was a long message via Facebook. Which electronic things are easy to ignore you're right. I've mulled it over and Head in the Sand I'm sure happends a lot, but they contacted him right away after she read it..just didn't write me back at all. After i specifically said. I just want some response. Even if its "mind ur biz". Nothing. At least he can maybe get it through his thick skull my problem with the drug/alc abuse has nothing to do with how much I care about him...because its in writing and he got it relayed to him. Thats the only good that came out of it. I was so embarrassed when they didnt write back and I thought, I prolly jsut made everything worse. But who knows.

Thanks guys!

MaryGoRound

oh, and no we don't live together. We go to same school and we're veryyyy on and off. Naturally. Longest we've gone is 6th months without talking (in last 3ish years). I was upset at him during that time and he would wait outside of this building, smoking a cigarette...everyday. I wouldn't even look at him. I started getting very nervous upon approaching that building. I hated how he did that. But also it showed me he was sorry. We're very hide and seek. We're shy artsy students and I just thought if I showed how much I believed in him, he could start believing in himself. Like all relationships, we both have issues to the table. But the alcoholism is a massive problem that cannot be tolerated.

Well, its time I believe in me. Uh..I guess. LOL.

iwantcontrol

i've found this thread very useful to read. i can see a lot of what you have written in me, and while i am still with my ABF right now, it is almost like looking into my future. i can see us breaking up and me not being able to let go. I will defintiely follow your story if you keep posting. glad al-anon has helped you - i still need to take that step and go to my first meeting.

megan09

Thanks Merry for the post; I completely relate to how you are feeling. I ended things with my ABF of 10 years just over a year ago, and it was the most painful time I have ever endured. My emotions just did not listen to reason. I am a RA myself, and one of the things I have learnt from the experience is that my own recovery is strong, because I did not pick up alcohol to numb the pain. I am progressing nicely now, and have been to therapy over my issues around the relationship; why I felt that is what I deserved. I used to hate it when people would say to me "With pain comes growth", but it is SO true. I am a stronger person now and I know I made the right decision. My X is still drinking and is with another woman now, but she is his new enabler. I just want to say "hang on in there" and things will get better. You are doing the right things and so the right things will happen. And remember, not one of us know what the future holds. Thoughts and prayers are with you.