jennabe

Is this a good, bad, or pointless idea?

I was thinking about writing a letter to my husband about his drinking. He doesn't listen when I speak so I was thinking that maybe he would comprehend what I'm saying if he reads it. His brother is a much worse alcoholic. I've never seen him sober for then a couple hours in the morning. He no longer has a job and is spiraling downhill. My husband will talk about his brother and is worried about him and doesn't understand why his brother can't see what is going on. The catch is that my husband is very similar. Just not as bad.

Anyway, I've been reading the signs of alcoholism and the stages and I was thinking that I could show him on paper that he has many of the signs. I would also explain that he is acting more and more like his brother. And give him examples. I can write calmly about how it makes me feel and show him that he is putting drinking in front of his family.

Do you think it would help?

Chrysalis123

Hi and welcome. I am sorry you are going through this. People with more wisdom than me, will be along, I'm sure. But I will share my ESH (experience, strength, and hope).

It took me a long time to realize I can't cure or control the alcoholic in my life. I still struggle with the "control" part. I keep thinking I am being neglegent if I don't atleast try to show him what he is doing and what the consequences are. We have children together and I get all tangled up in whether to stay quiet and accept what is happening (as well as having strong boundaries) or speak my mind. Sometimes I still stick my nose into his side of the street and get into trying to control him through my thoughtful emails. I somehow think I know better than him how he should live his life and how he should treat his children.....because I can see the devastation. Then I start to realize i'm pretty arrogant to think I can tell someone else how to live. I can't change anyone. I can only change myself, I can only control myself, and I can decide how I want to live. This crazy power struggle with him is not healthy for either of us...and one day I realized I needed help to help myself. And coming here is one of the ways I help myself.

Someone here wrote "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean." And I had to learn to say it ONCE. See I have this obsessive quality about me and I think if I keep saying it, something different will happen. Well, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. LOL..that was me for sure!

Have you told him before what you think of the drinking? Does he know how you feel about the drinking? Did your words change anything with him? Did your words help you?

tjp613

This is just my opinion but I think your energy and time would be better spent thinking about creating boundaries for yourself. Think about what you will and will not accept for your own life. While thinking about your husband, you must assume that he will not change, or that it will take a LONG time for that change to take place. If you accept him just as he is now, what role will he play in your life? Is that role acceptable to you? If not, what changes will YOU make? Then maybe put those things in a letter when you are good and ready and you can mean what you say.

It's a tough pill to swallow when you realize you cannot control their behavior or choices, no matter what you say, and all that you can control is yourself.

I'm sorry that the choices are not better.

hps

IMHO, if you can't get through to him face-to-face, you are unlikely to get through to him via a written letter.

If he knows he's addicted, your letter might frustrate him as it doesn't help him stop, it just depicts a gloomy future. If he denies being addictive, he will find some way to dismiss it (for example, he is clearly not as bad as his brother, it is insulting to suggest this, etc).

coffeedrinker

i think the main reason to follow through with your idea, is that it might make you feel a little better. i understand what you're saying, but at the end of the day, it prob won't "help" the situation.

if you wanna show him the signs, you could complete an online eval/test designed to determine if someone likely is.

there are none so blind as those who will not see

Neese

Alcoholics don't listen to your words. They DO, however, respond to your actions.

Eight Ball

I once wrote a long heartfelt letter to my AH, hoping to get through to him and he ridiculed me about it. That 'emotional abuse' episode still lives with me.

PHIZ007

I have written too so been there done that......did it make any difference?? Not a bit......Did it make me feel better? at the time yes....but it didn't hasn't and wont change his decision to drink! (unfortunately!)

I hope you find some peace with your situation. Take Care Phiz

Gold

Yup that

jennabe

Thanks everyone for your responses. Update: I did write the letter yesterday. I don't think anything could have stopped me. I put it in my purse and said I would hold onto it and only pull it out if the situation arose. Of course it arose like four hours later. We got into another argument about his drinking. At first he just refused to listen, then he just stode there while I spoke. Then, quite inconveniently, my parents pull up in our driveway unannounced. After they left my husband just started talking to me like nothing had happened. I brought it up again. He said that I was exaggerating everything (which I times I feel is possible, but I don't think it's the point). Then he said that he read in the pregnancy book I gave him (that's a whole other story) that it told him to drink. And the book told the father that alcohol was all the Dad had to cope with the pregnancy. I pre read that book and everything out of his mouth was a manipulation. At that point I gave up. I had a meetup that evening so on the way out the door I gave him the letter. I also mentioned the "2 options" that I read on another post. Either you don't have a problem, and just don't care. Or you have a problem and you can't stop.

Anyway, when I got home he wasn't drink. I imagine he finished the last of it early and maybe took a shower, but he wasn't physically drinking. Neither of us mentioned the letter, but I stayed in the kitchen while he cooked dinner and then we watched tv together on the couch. After that we both went to bed. I'm not sure if he was stoned or not and I have no idea where he hides it anymore, but he seemed normal. It was a nice change for a Saturday.

I know what everyone is probably thinking, that it's just tempporary and a manipulation, and it probably is. We will find out really soon, but until then I'm going to use this to try and relax for the baby. I can't allow myself to be so upset at this moment.

Sorry this was so long. You guys are my only outlet. Hope you don't mind.

Mightyqueen801

[QUOTE=jennabe;2514664]Is this a good, bad, or pointless idea?

I was thinking about writing a letter to my husband about his drinking. He doesn't listen when I speak so I was thinking that maybe he would comprehend what I'm saying if he reads it. His brother is a much worse alcoholic. I've never seen him sober for then a couple hours in the morning. He no longer has a job and is spiraling downhill. My husband will talk about his brother and is worried about him and doesn't understand why his brother can't see what is going on. The catch is that my husband is very similar. Just not as bad.

Anyway, I've been reading the signs of alcoholism and the stages and I was thinking that I could show him on paper that he has many of the signs. I would also explain that he is acting more and more like his brother. And give him examples. I can write calmly about how it makes me feel and show him that he is putting drinking in front of his family.

Do you think it would help?[/QUOTE]

Not at all. I used to think that way, too. That there was some way I could get through to him, make him SEE. That the right words existed and I just had to find them and say them, write them down, or maybe even videotape him to MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND what he was doing to me, to his daughter, and to himself. Make him understand that he was exactly like the abusive, drunk father he had always moaned about.

Go down to your nearest lake and start emptying it with a teaspoon. You'll get more accomplished.

OK, better yet, listen to what some of the other posters on here have said about taking care of yourself and setting boundaries and learning that it's not your job to fix this man.

Mightyqueen801

I know that feeling. It's amazing how long that stuff stays with you, doesn't it?

I still remember how I felt when I sat my XAH down and had "the serious talk" about his drinking, drug use, and related inability to hold a job and how it was destroying our marriage. His response was "Oh BOO HOO HOOOOOOO, you have it SO bad..."

I was so hurt that I got up and started to walk away...and then he said, "There are things in our marriage I would like to change, too, ya know." Trying to be fair (and still thinking that it was somehow my fault he was drinking, of course), I sat back down and asked him about it. His response was, "I wish sometimes you would dress up in lacy lingerie and dance for me."

I believe it was at that point that the big red "HOPELESS HOPELESS HOPELESS" sign started flashing on the inside of my forehead.

MaryGoRound

I did the letter too. It wasn't even acknowledged, mentioned or anything. Not even once and that was over a year ago. I left it for him and thought maybe THAT route would sink in.

You think, I'm a good writer...It'll be right there in front of his face in writing! And also its a very gentle way to be direct and assertive. A great tool. A great approach.



And it is. But the normal rules of relationships don't apply. With A's there are no rules.

Keep coming here Jennabe...Because as much you feel we're your outlet..you are also ours. Thanks for posting.

SadButHopeful

I never bothered with a letter only bc I knew he wouldn't read it.

I agree with the pp's; if the letter made you feel better somehow, then great. Just don't expect any change from it.

hugs!

stella27

I wrote that letter, jennab,

And nothing changed.

But then 2 years later I found the letter, and I thought to myslef, "Have I really been dealing with the same EXACT **** for two whole years and nothing has changed? Really? I could have written that letter 2 years ago or today - he didn't change one bit and the only thing that changed was me getting my children and me OFF that sinking ship.

It was a really enlightening moment.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

In the past, I have written letters, my daughter wrote a letter. Alot of tears from the A after reading them, but unfortunately, it did not stop the drinking or the progression of this disease.

Sorry, but my experience is that the letters did not help. Hope you have better results.