Formerly sober boyfriend drinking again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
Formerly sober boyfriend drinking again
Right now, I'm very frustrated with my boyfriend. I don't know if I'm overreacting.
He's 21, and had been sober for 3 years up until a week ago. When he was in high school, he had serious drug and alcohol problems-- crack, coke, meth in addition to weed and alcohol. He went to rehab, had a couple of serious relapses, but had been doing very well. He attended AA meetings weekly. When I met him he lived in a sober living house, but his move-out date coincided with his 21st birthday. I'm a social drinker, but it hadn't seemed to bother him until then. He started talking a lot about whether he was REALLY an addict and alcoholic, or if it was just a phase when he was younger and more irresponsible. I told him that if he wanted to drink, let's do this rationally. I was afraid some night he'd give in while he was upset, which is exactly what happened.
The night he got drunk we were visiting my family, we'd gotten into a fight and he went to the city to see some friends. He wound up bawling his eyes out, telling me he had ****** up and that he was scared I'd leave him. He seemed really regretful and embarrassed, especially after he threw up in my mom's car while she was driving us to the airport. I was upset too, but tried to keep up appearances and just get us home. Apparently, the next night he smoked weed, as well as the next few nights after that. I found out from a friend. He'd also been drinking too, and had lied about it. When i asked him why he did it, he said it was because he didn't want to feel anything.
I don't know what to do. If I drink with him, I feel like I'm enabling him. If I tell him I don't want anything to do with it, he'll probably do it anyway, and hide it from me. He said he didn't tell me about the weed because he thought I'd be disappointed, which is true. But i feel like that's inviting all sorts of dishonesty. Maybe he CAN drink normally, I don't know. But maybe it's just a matter of time before it starts to get out of hand. He's told me many times that he is incapable of moderation, that one drink always led to more. Now he expects me to treat him like everyone else.
It doesn't help that the person who's been getting him high is his older brother, who has been unable to stay sober for more than a few months despite many efforts. His life is unstable, he can't keep a job, lives with his parents, and is broke because of it. And he apparently isn't worried at all about his brother going down the same path.
Today I told him I didn't think I could be in a relationship with him if he's like this. Am I overreacting? It seems like he's just establishing his old, unhealthy patterns where he gets wasted just to numb himself. He's refused to talk to his sponsor. I'm kind of lost.
He's 21, and had been sober for 3 years up until a week ago. When he was in high school, he had serious drug and alcohol problems-- crack, coke, meth in addition to weed and alcohol. He went to rehab, had a couple of serious relapses, but had been doing very well. He attended AA meetings weekly. When I met him he lived in a sober living house, but his move-out date coincided with his 21st birthday. I'm a social drinker, but it hadn't seemed to bother him until then. He started talking a lot about whether he was REALLY an addict and alcoholic, or if it was just a phase when he was younger and more irresponsible. I told him that if he wanted to drink, let's do this rationally. I was afraid some night he'd give in while he was upset, which is exactly what happened.
The night he got drunk we were visiting my family, we'd gotten into a fight and he went to the city to see some friends. He wound up bawling his eyes out, telling me he had ****** up and that he was scared I'd leave him. He seemed really regretful and embarrassed, especially after he threw up in my mom's car while she was driving us to the airport. I was upset too, but tried to keep up appearances and just get us home. Apparently, the next night he smoked weed, as well as the next few nights after that. I found out from a friend. He'd also been drinking too, and had lied about it. When i asked him why he did it, he said it was because he didn't want to feel anything.
I don't know what to do. If I drink with him, I feel like I'm enabling him. If I tell him I don't want anything to do with it, he'll probably do it anyway, and hide it from me. He said he didn't tell me about the weed because he thought I'd be disappointed, which is true. But i feel like that's inviting all sorts of dishonesty. Maybe he CAN drink normally, I don't know. But maybe it's just a matter of time before it starts to get out of hand. He's told me many times that he is incapable of moderation, that one drink always led to more. Now he expects me to treat him like everyone else.
It doesn't help that the person who's been getting him high is his older brother, who has been unable to stay sober for more than a few months despite many efforts. His life is unstable, he can't keep a job, lives with his parents, and is broke because of it. And he apparently isn't worried at all about his brother going down the same path.
Today I told him I didn't think I could be in a relationship with him if he's like this. Am I overreacting? It seems like he's just establishing his old, unhealthy patterns where he gets wasted just to numb himself. He's refused to talk to his sponsor. I'm kind of lost.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Welcome
You stated "he had serious drug and alcohol problems-- crack, coke, meth in addition to weed and alcohol. He went to rehab, had a couple of serious relapses, but had been doing very well. He attended AA meetings weekly."
This tells you something here. he may stop in a day or 50 years. He may die from it in a day or 60 years from now.
You and I will never know what he will do.
The question really is what do you want? What are you willing to put up with? Is this something you want in your life for maybe 50 years...?..
Hard questions for sure. Take care of yourself and read maybe of the stickies in the Friends and Family section.
AG
You stated "he had serious drug and alcohol problems-- crack, coke, meth in addition to weed and alcohol. He went to rehab, had a couple of serious relapses, but had been doing very well. He attended AA meetings weekly."
This tells you something here. he may stop in a day or 50 years. He may die from it in a day or 60 years from now.
You and I will never know what he will do.
The question really is what do you want? What are you willing to put up with? Is this something you want in your life for maybe 50 years...?..
Hard questions for sure. Take care of yourself and read maybe of the stickies in the Friends and Family section.
AG
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
You're not overreacting.
He has told you often that little things lead to big things.
You are dating an addict. Sometimes in recovery and sometimes not. Currently not.
That brings all the yuckiness we are all in misery from.
It sounds like you have your head on straight in that you realize the problem.
For me, its easy to see all the dumb things my AH does. The hard part is turning inward to ask myself what smart things am I doing for me? What do I want in my life? What am I willing to accept and what is unacceptable? Why am I accepting his behaviors? How can I do more self love and less AH worrying?
Keep reading and posting.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't change it.
You CAN take care of you.
Hugs
Wife
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by chanmar 
Today I told him I didn't think I could be in a relationship with him if he's like this. Am I overreacting? It seems like he's just establishing his old, unhealthy patterns where he gets wasted just to numb himself. He's refused to talk to his sponsor. I'm kind of lost.
I don't think you are over reacting. This IS a big deal and it is serious.
Please have a read of the stickied posts at the top of the forum, particularly the ones on boundaries: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html. I also found Melody Beattie's book Co Dependent No More really useful. I think it ought to be mandatory reading for everyone involved with an alcoholic/addict!
There is a lot of support and information here for you - this forum is awesome. Stick around. Post some more. And be
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
You're not overreacting.
He has told you often that little things lead to big things.
You are dating an addict. Sometimes in recovery and sometimes not.
Thanks you for your reply.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by bookwyrm
Did you mean this? Is this a boundary for you or did you say this as a way of trying to get him to stop? I was with XAH for 18 years. Nothing I did or said managed to make him stop drinking. Oh, he would stop for a week or two but then would start again and increase the amounts he drank. I ended up being totally miserable. I wish I had found this site a lot earlier than when I did!
I don't know if i mean this...I know that I hate the paranoia this situation has already created in me. I hate thinking that, when he hasn't replied to my call all day, its because he's drunk/high. I hate that gnawing fear that I'm being lied to. But I'm also afraid that leaving him will cause him to sink deeper. He's been very emotional and moody recently, and has a history of depression and self-harm.
It's so frustrating! Thanks you for your post. I take it you're no longer with your ex? I'mg glad you found a way out of that situation.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't change it.
You are not responsible for your BF's emotional state. The three C's apply here too! Does this mean that you will remain with him in case you 'make' him depressed and ignore your own emotional state? You seem to be spending a lot of your time thinking and worrying over him. Have you read Melody Beattie's Co dependent No More? It truly was an eye opening read for me and helped me set boundaries and start the process of looking after myself. I would recommend it to anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives, for however long.
You can't control it.
You can't change it.
You are not responsible for your BF's emotional state. The three C's apply here too! Does this mean that you will remain with him in case you 'make' him depressed and ignore your own emotional state? You seem to be spending a lot of your time thinking and worrying over him. Have you read Melody Beattie's Co dependent No More? It truly was an eye opening read for me and helped me set boundaries and start the process of looking after myself. I would recommend it to anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives, for however long.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
No!!! You are not over-reacting to what has happened.
As you say, "He's told me many times that he is incapable of moderation, that one drink always led to more.
My RABF is the same, 1 beer is always the first of 20 or more, and that could go on for anything from 2 days to a whole, miserable year.
Expecting NORMAL drinking from an A, is like expecting diamonds out of a cow's bum......what you get instead of diamonds is what you get from an active A.
You have red flags flying all round and you have seen them, telling him that "you don't know if you can stay in the relationship if this is how he is".
This IS how he is right now, and even if he goes back to sober for another 3 years he may break out again worse than now.
The only certainty in being with an addict is the uncertainty in that life.
Spending your life looking up at that sword of damocles (relapse etc) hanging over your head is scary at best.
I hope you learn as much as you can about alcoholism and co-dependance, give Alanon a try, keep coming here and take time to learn WHO you are, what YOU want and need to live a happy and fruitful life.
God bless
As you say, "He's told me many times that he is incapable of moderation, that one drink always led to more.
My RABF is the same, 1 beer is always the first of 20 or more, and that could go on for anything from 2 days to a whole, miserable year.
Expecting NORMAL drinking from an A, is like expecting diamonds out of a cow's bum......what you get instead of diamonds is what you get from an active A.
You have red flags flying all round and you have seen them, telling him that "you don't know if you can stay in the relationship if this is how he is".
This IS how he is right now, and even if he goes back to sober for another 3 years he may break out again worse than now.
The only certainty in being with an addict is the uncertainty in that life.
Spending your life looking up at that sword of damocles (relapse etc) hanging over your head is scary at best.
I hope you learn as much as you can about alcoholism and co-dependance, give Alanon a try, keep coming here and take time to learn WHO you are, what YOU want and need to live a happy and fruitful life.
God bless
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
