mfrankl6

My wife gets upset with me when I don't show her affection after getting drunk. She tells her friends i give her a hard time for getting drunk. they tell her oh you have been doing that forever why do I give her such a hard time but they don't have a clue what I have to deal with. I forbid my wife from seeing a free based on that friends decision to send my wife home driving drunk. My wife had gotten a new girl friend whom acted very young she worked with her and they felt like they knew one another naturally my wife wanted to hang with this person she would stop by after work and drink with this person getting wasted all of this occurred after my wife had an accident involving alcohol. My wife stopped by and had gotten drunk I asked her how many drinks have she had and she would get very upset with me. I knew after 2 32oz old english she would be totally ripped. she would have more and when I called that friend she blasted me about how my wife was grown and I needed to leave her alone because she could make her own decisions. i expressed to that friend how stupid she was and she should not be involved knowing my wife was a disaster waiting to happen. each time my wife would get in trouble I would have to bail her out the last accident she totalled my paid off car and hit someone from the rear and I went out and brought a new car an unnecessary expense. She has been making poor decisions like that affecting the entire family she is listening less and less their was a time when she would listen to me when she would get wasted but not now.

AlwaysGrowing

Yep. Sounds about right.

What are you doing about you? Alanon would be a great start. After all you can't control her or anyone else but YOUR actions.

Been there and done that!

AG

barb dwyer

hi again frank - welcome to the F&FOA portion of the show.

I don't know if it's your writing style,
but I sensed you've really REALLY been needing
someone to talk to about this?

I'm glad you made it over here.
I am also glad you're going to the meeting Friday.

Yep.
There's no controlling others
(that works, I mean: otherwise we'd be SELLING it - LOL)
But I hope you'll continue to post and get this out of your head
and into some kind of space where you can organize it
and then learn what you need to do.

mfrankl6

I am tired. I have myself stretched very thin with my own desires our daughter is graduating this year prepping her for college my wife is giving her high school advice while I am trying to prepare her for college. She is not setting a good example. Our 12 years old soon is on a travel basketball team that requires focus and time. i am trying to prepare him for his future and an 8 year old whom is having many issues with anger management my children don't have my calmness about things they all display spurts of her anger. I am enrolled in two colleges i feel behind despite finishing my degree in business I want to pursue my masters degree next but fear its affects on my family.

mfrankl6

Barb,

Despite my accomplishments with myself some don't know I have extreme sad moments because of this. My wife is always trying to sex me when she is drunk and I am just so turned off one night I just went in the bathroom quietly to myself until she passed out I felt so terrible. I was seriously thinking about leaving. Its really hard because I think about how long we've been together and my kids need both their parents right now. I am right in the middle of purchasing a home something long awaited for my family as you know the time is of the essence many things pushing me to get the deal done it has taken me 10 years to prepare my family for this home buying moment part of me is saying its not fair we have been through thick and thin together it would n't be fair for me to purchase a home unless it was with this women that helped me get this far. I feel so lost sometimes.

mfrankl6

Sorry alwaysgrowing but what is alanon?

barb dwyer

wow.
you are carryin a lot.

It's especially difficult when you feel you're suddenly holding the entire bag.

I hope you can get some rest soon..
one thing for sure -

you're not alone.

Bernadette

Hi mfrankl6--
Wow you have a lot on your plate. The number one focus has to become you and your kids. Have you had honest discussions with your kids? Called it what it is: alcoholism? Steered them towards AlAteen or counseling? That might go a long way towards helping them with their anger.

Get it all out in the open - that rage they feel has many causes - but one is shame for sure. I know, I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who could never be straight about what was going on. When I was 6-12 it was all very confusing, scary, rage-making, and shameful.., When I became a teenager and could figure it out I was enraged at all the hypocrisy and felt ashamed and did not know why (gee maybe cuz mom had been acting like we had something to hide all those years???)

I love the title of your thread! I bet she annoys you! But it seems much more than that - she is a danger - to herself, her kids, and society.

I had to completely stop bailing out my alcoholic brothers and enabling them in any way. Why should I bear the brunt & drama of their disasters and messes? They should feel the sting of reality without any cushion. I do.

Keep reading and posting! It's great you are reaching out for help -

peace-
b

TakingCharge999

hello mfrankl.

You didn't cause her problem
You couldn't and can't control her drinking
You can't cure her

And there was no way to prevent this to happen.


Do you have a therapist you could talk to?

mfrankl6

lets not talk about money management. Whenever i talk about numbers she totally cringes. A family is just like a business if the money isn't managed disaster will occur. I used to pay all the bills when i got good advice to stop doing that because she will just spend all the money without a plan. She can't see past tomorrow I look ahead when doing anything. We could have so much but she can't see past the bottle if she has five dollars in her pocket thats two beers. It hurts and she disappoints me every time I see a can in her hand.

Bernadette

AlAnon is free group meetings that help the friends and families of alcoholics and addicts stop the insanity in their own lives and get back to living the good life!

It sure turned my head around, I only wish I had known about it as a teenager.

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

They have meetings all over the world. It is a 12-step program.

peace-
b

PHIZ007

mfrank....hi there....so glad you found SR. It keeps me sane in the midst of all the drama. Read read and read some more......there is so much information on here to take in and every day I am still learning.
I hope you can find some peace for yourself in the middle of all the drama......you have come to the right place. take care....Phiz :0)

mfrankl6

What sucks is I have prepared and scrapped together for this moment over 10 years of denials to buy a house for my family finally ready and now she is acting worse than ever before. I know buying this house can cause me major problems but its not fair why should I have to wait. I have looked all over the net for advice on the matter. if she can't get herself together and I decide to leave after buying the house she won't have to sweat at all I just brought her a house to live in without me. i spent a good deal of my life trying to get to this point and she can take it away so easily. The man is always the bad guy in these cases. I want my house its a great time for me and my family to buy if my wife can get herself together if not I wish I could make her sign something saying I could dismiss her if she can't act right.

mfrankl6

thanks all for the advice!

barb dwyer

hey Frank-

I don't know how, but somehow I'd gotten the impression you'd already found al-anon.
wow.
what am *I* on ?

anyhow - please use the link Bernadette gave you in the above post.

There's a TON of information there as well.

You know -
just armchair conjecturing here,
but I remember when my sister's daughter
got to college age.

She started dressin... well... slutty
went back to drinking (life long probs there)
partying all the time
lost her job ... almost wrecked everything.

i seriously think she was having a kind of
youth envy thing with her own daughter.
sort of a trash-dressing-mid-life-crisis.

i only had sons
so I don't know what that's all about.

check out Al-Anon.
You'll find tools that will help you through this.

Bernadette

mfrankl6
I would speak to a lawyer.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse and worse....and worse. Some do finally recover, many more do not. As a loved one I had to learn how to not wait around for someone else to change! That equals misery and a life on hold. But it meant I had to change. I had to first accept the fact that I can only change myself.

There is no reason you cannot have your peaceful house. It just might mean making some tough decisions and taking some legal action beforehand. Not easy, but worth it.

peace-
b

mfrankl6

My kids are embarrassed when their friends come over because their mom gets extra flirtatious with their friends. Also very disappointing she no longer has any respect for her self the counselor said it was mostly related to depression. she has been unable to loose wait since my 8 year old was born the gains more and more weight every year I never say anything about her weight but she knows she needs to work on it. The doc says its unhealthy. but she wants to drink when she is supposed to be dieting. thats not a diet to have a beer here and there then jumping back on the program she totally hates any advice I give her now once she used to listen to everything i would say I can't tell her anything without her feeling angry about it drink or no drink. I am afraid we may be nearing out end. Thats why I wanted to see a counselor.

mfrankl6

Thanks for all the advice it definitely helps to talk about it. Yes i did click on the alnon link I will review. My daughter is very mature and has not acted out on the issues I am afraid she maybe reserving that for her adulthood she will be 18 in a few days.

barb dwyer

frank
after thinkiknmg about it -

I apologize for being flippant about the situation.
It might have been okay with someone who's familiar with the recovery
'way'...

but wasn't appropriate here.

I apologize.

I think you WILL benefit from reading about Al-Anon.
I've never met anyone whom it hurt.

transformyself

Dear Frank

Welcome to our family.

There is nothing you can do, nothing, that will convince her to stop drinking like a fish and acting like an idiot.

She embarrasses you, your children, constantly crosses your boundaries and endangers herself and others. She is disruptive, selfish and is working very hard to undo all the hard work you do.

My heart breaks for you and your kids and even your wife. She is deep in an addiction to alcohol and will stop at nothing to drink. You've detailed that very effectivly in your posts. This isn't rare or unusual. We've all lived with and endured abuse from a practicing alcoholic, because we didn't know, or refused to accept, that we are powerless over them and their addiction.

The hardest part is the marriage thing. It's suppose to be through thick and thin. But there is nothing you can do to make her stop.

You can keep hiding in the bathroom, or take some action to protect your family. I think it was Bernadette who recommended seeing a lawyer. It can't hurt. Right now your wife has no consequences, none. What, you get mad at her? She still has money, a warm place to live, her family endures her abuse and you even buy her another car if she wrecks the one she has!

We call this enable-ing, because even though our intentions are good (and realistically how are we suppose to respond to this madness?) our actions often enable the alcoholic to continue drinking.

I know this goes against marriage vows and your drive to care for and protect your family, but if you just shift your thinking a bit and recognize there is nothing you can do, things will start to change. For yourself and your children.

I hope this helps and again, welcome to the most healing little spot on the internet!~