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Join Date: Oct 2008
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its been awhile but i can't say things are alot better. ad has been out of jail for a year now, claims to be clean, is holding a job all l
"looks" good. The compulsive choices, ups and way downs are still there, moodiness, grandiose attitude. I go to al-anon and have made big changes in myself and the major one is I don't allow myself to get pulled in anymore. its almost as though she gets angry about this change in me She does not attend any meetings as she feels they are not needed. She seems very distracted when I try to make small talk. It seems to be ALL about her. I prayed for the day when she would be free from drugs, but in many ways nothing changed. There now I fell better!
"looks" good. The compulsive choices, ups and way downs are still there, moodiness, grandiose attitude. I go to al-anon and have made big changes in myself and the major one is I don't allow myself to get pulled in anymore. its almost as though she gets angry about this change in me She does not attend any meetings as she feels they are not needed. She seems very distracted when I try to make small talk. It seems to be ALL about her. I prayed for the day when she would be free from drugs, but in many ways nothing changed. There now I fell better!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Katie))
When I got clean the first time, I was angry. I was mad that I could no longer get high. I thought that the fact that I was clean, meant that my life was suddenly going to get better! I was going to get a better job, make more money, take care of bills....that everyone was going to forget about my past and suddenly trust me. Basically, I thought that I was just going to pick up where I had left off before I started using.
WRONG!!! I had legal/financial/career consequences that were pretty overwhelming and I didn't have anything to numb the agony of dealing with that stuff. My family DIDN'T automatically trust me and welcome me back with open arms....they stood off to the side and watched my actions for while before getting too close (and rightly so!) I tried to find gratitude, but all I could focus on was "why can't everyone just give me a break...I'm clean, dammit!!"
I'm not saying your daughter will do the same, but I relapsed. I didn't have anyone in my family that was in al-anon and I think that makes a huge difference.. The stronger YOU get with your recovery and your boundaries, the more she will see that her way isn't working.
Regardless of what she does, the best thing for you to do is keep your focus on you. You have a right to say "I will not accept this behavior" and it doesn't have to have a darned thing to do with drugs.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When I got clean the first time, I was angry. I was mad that I could no longer get high. I thought that the fact that I was clean, meant that my life was suddenly going to get better! I was going to get a better job, make more money, take care of bills....that everyone was going to forget about my past and suddenly trust me. Basically, I thought that I was just going to pick up where I had left off before I started using.
WRONG!!! I had legal/financial/career consequences that were pretty overwhelming and I didn't have anything to numb the agony of dealing with that stuff. My family DIDN'T automatically trust me and welcome me back with open arms....they stood off to the side and watched my actions for while before getting too close (and rightly so!) I tried to find gratitude, but all I could focus on was "why can't everyone just give me a break...I'm clean, dammit!!"
I'm not saying your daughter will do the same, but I relapsed. I didn't have anyone in my family that was in al-anon and I think that makes a huge difference.. The stronger YOU get with your recovery and your boundaries, the more she will see that her way isn't working.
Regardless of what she does, the best thing for you to do is keep your focus on you. You have a right to say "I will not accept this behavior" and it doesn't have to have a darned thing to do with drugs.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Katie, has she been checked for depression, bi-polar disorder, or any other mental sickness? Often mental health and addiction are closely connected, and if she is clean (and only if she is clean) an assessment can be made and proper medications prescribed.
Just a thought, this may not be her problem but often it is.
Keeping your daughter in my prayers.
Hugs
Just a thought, this may not be her problem but often it is.
Keeping your daughter in my prayers.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I know if I didn't work a program of recovery of some sort, there wouldn't be changes in me even if my daughter had stop using...I'd still be sucked into her drama, wanting to control and force my will on her. So I suspect that same could apply to the addict that stops using drugs but makes no other changes. If the underlying reasons one "needed" to turn to drugs are still there, I would doubt the person would be very happy or changed.
I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and working on you. it's always easier of course when our kids are doing better, but at least your recovery is helping you not to have how you feel revolve around how she is doing. Prayers and good thoughts that in time she will discover what helps her have a happier life.
I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and working on you. it's always easier of course when our kids are doing better, but at least your recovery is helping you not to have how you feel revolve around how she is doing. Prayers and good thoughts that in time she will discover what helps her have a happier life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My daughter was a dry drunk the first time she got sober and was very unpleasant to be around 99% of the time. As I became more dedicated to recovery she become more resentful. I shared some of the things I learned: I was working the recovery I wished she would; I was willing to support recovery but she had to do the work; I didn't share my issues with her unless I needed her advice and I needed her to do the same, etc. In hindsight I shared my boundaries and limitations with her.
It wasn't until she went to rehab that she really got what I was saying. Still, there are times when she falls back into old ways and I have to say stop please, you know I can't or won't do whatever. Your therapist, doctor, group, whomever can handle this better than me.
People here on this site are always saying it's a process, and it's only been this last year that I've really understood what that means.
It wasn't until she went to rehab that she really got what I was saying. Still, there are times when she falls back into old ways and I have to say stop please, you know I can't or won't do whatever. Your therapist, doctor, group, whomever can handle this better than me.
People here on this site are always saying it's a process, and it's only been this last year that I've really understood what that means.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
I have read items that say addiction is a symptom of a larger problem. At times I wonder if it's something I did parenting her. I know about the 3 c's, but what about the larger problem? When she was in rehab 2 yrs ago she told me using was her choice and had nothing to do with me. She did tell me I was an enabler, which I now know I was a BIG one! She is 35 now but has been using since 14, so parenting during teen years was gut wrenching and heart breaking. Is it poaaible that I could have caused the LARGER problem and she chose the drugs because of it??
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by katie53 
Is it poaaible that I could have caused the LARGER problem and she chose the drugs because of it??
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
katie,
my husband went through treatment when my daughter was five. i discovered al-anon and learned some things about family dynamics, alcoholism.... and i gave my children tools to deal with the stuff of life, so that they would never turn to chemicals for solace or escape. or i thought i did. my daughter is now 21 years old and she is on the road to chemical dependency. was it because i didn't show her her value enough, because she lived in a household with its share of dysfunction, because her dad drank around her when she was a baby? and what if i can identify what we did wrong? i guess it wouldn't really help her today would it?
i was so shocked when i found out she was drinking at age 17. i thought "but we didn't shame her, we didn't drink in the home, we didn't teach to not deal with things, or feelings.
of course i know we made mistakes in parenting, and we were not always the best role models we should have been. there are questions ii will never have the answers to. but i don't dwell on the possible reasons, or in my past behaviors. i just try to affect what i can do something about: today, and the future.
my husband went through treatment when my daughter was five. i discovered al-anon and learned some things about family dynamics, alcoholism.... and i gave my children tools to deal with the stuff of life, so that they would never turn to chemicals for solace or escape. or i thought i did. my daughter is now 21 years old and she is on the road to chemical dependency. was it because i didn't show her her value enough, because she lived in a household with its share of dysfunction, because her dad drank around her when she was a baby? and what if i can identify what we did wrong? i guess it wouldn't really help her today would it?
i was so shocked when i found out she was drinking at age 17. i thought "but we didn't shame her, we didn't drink in the home, we didn't teach to not deal with things, or feelings.
of course i know we made mistakes in parenting, and we were not always the best role models we should have been. there are questions ii will never have the answers to. but i don't dwell on the possible reasons, or in my past behaviors. i just try to affect what i can do something about: today, and the future.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
Thanks everyone. When I look back, she has always been self-centered and compulsive. I proberly "see" it more now that i go to al-anon. It seems to be worse now. Actually rude. al long as things go her way and she only hears what she wants to hear, it's o.k. but give your own opinion and "whoa". She has problems at work also with co-workers, She has that 'better than you attitude'.yet she gets by because she also good at manipulating the boss.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi katie
while in rehab your daughter told you this had nothing to do with you. try believing her on this one. while in treatment her thinking was probably more clear than it had been the whole of her active addiction.
my dad died when i was very young, leaving my once stay at home mom to raise 6 of us. i didn't have an easy childhood but i know my mom did all she could with what she had. i can honestly say that my choice to do drugs had nothing at all to do with the way i was raised.
trust me, your daughter's choices belong only to her. i'm sure you would have never chose that life for her so try not to allow yourself to think that in some way you could have done something to make her choose a different way of life.
while in rehab your daughter told you this had nothing to do with you. try believing her on this one. while in treatment her thinking was probably more clear than it had been the whole of her active addiction.
my dad died when i was very young, leaving my once stay at home mom to raise 6 of us. i didn't have an easy childhood but i know my mom did all she could with what she had. i can honestly say that my choice to do drugs had nothing at all to do with the way i was raised.
trust me, your daughter's choices belong only to her. i'm sure you would have never chose that life for her so try not to allow yourself to think that in some way you could have done something to make her choose a different way of life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by katie53
When I look back, she has always been self-centered and compulsive. As long as things go her way and she only hears what she wants to hear, it's o.k. but give your own opinion and "whoa". She has problems at work also with co-workers, She has that 'better than you attitude'.yet she gets by because she also good at manipulating the boss.
And, IMO, she "gets away with it" at work because her boss is what I am. Never met an addict who couldn't manipulate me. (The good news is that I have learned to recognize and put a stop to it - so actually that's not true anymore! )
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
hopefully she will 'grow into sobriety', she's doing it 'her way' . i didn't say anything but she never showed here on Christmas Eve. told her daughter she was on her way but never showed. she said she got in a fight with her boyfriend and was to upset. So she called a friend and just drove around for about 2 hrs. She showed up Christmas morning crying. I felt no sympathy for her. I asked how this behavior was any different from previous Christmases as there were others when she was using. She didn't go with us on Christmas Day either as she was to "sad" So I took the 2 gd and went for the day. Totally disgusted, but had to cover it for the sake of the gd. This behavior puts up red flags for me, but she insists on being clean. This relationship is another one of the quick compulsive decisions, living togetrher within 2 months. Counseling is out as she feels she's just 'fine". 
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