Why can't I get off the fence?

Old 01-17-2010, 09:41 PM
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Question Why can't I get off the fence?

My story is long, but I will try to give the short version. Been involved with an addict for 8 years now. The first 5 years were spent cycling between seeking sobriety and relapse. He went to prison 3 years ago after a 6 month meth run. Once incarcerated, he vowed that he had "learned his lesson" and wanted to start over. We decided to try again...only this time things were going to be different!

After being incarcerated for 2 years, he was paroled a year ago. I had helped him get custody of his daughter that was born to a "drug fling" who had been taken into state custody at 3 months old and we set out to live happily ever after. Things were great for the first 6 months.

Then the downward spiral started. I can honestly say that a month into his relapse, I was done and ready to part ways. The only problem being his 2 year old daughter that I had fallen in love with and had no way to protect if he took her. So, I tried the legal route...trying to get guardianship, not enough evidence to support taking his rights. So, I waited. I played the game. Pretending everything was ok until things completely fell apart.

It took 6 months, but things finally unraveled. I had to put his daughter into state's custody to keep him from taking her and lit a fire under parole to pick him up after he stole money from his job and got fired, stole $1,000 bucks from me, absconded from his halfway house, kicked in my back door because I had locked him out, and was threatening to leave state with his daughter when he got his hands on her.

He has been in jail a little over a month and his head is starting to clear. Though I have lived through 6 months of hell, as he emerges from his drug induced craziness....all of that seems to fade. Why can't I hold on to the anger, frustration and fear I felt during the time he was hell bent on destruction? I have to consciously take my mind back to the nights I sat with the lights off watching over my little girl, paralyzed with fear that he would break down the door again and take her. Why, why, why?

The only positive thing at the moment is that I was able to get a foster care license and keep my little girl at home for the time being. Tomorrow is too painful to think about, so I try to stay in today.

With all the upheaval and devastation, why does my heart waiver when he says he is sorry and he is going to try to make things right? I am a strong, independent woman who is level-headed and responsible in all areas of my life except when it comes to him. My mind knows that 8 years is enough, but my heart is putting up a fight. why? why? why?
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Old 01-17-2010, 09:53 PM
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Because you love him. But you have to love you and your little girl more right now. And also realize that your loving him means you have to let him figure it out on his own now.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
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Old 01-18-2010, 06:03 AM
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Something that helped me to be strong and do what I needed to do, as hard as it was, was to go to meetings, find a sponsor and learn to work/live 12 little steps that literally saved my life.

Accepting the pain that I was living in then and travelling in blind faith that if I did what others before me had done, I too would find peace, helped me to get to the good place I am in today.

My heart and prayers go out for you and that precious little girl who is blessed to have you in her life.

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Old 01-18-2010, 01:42 PM
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Thank you for listening and replying. Today is a better day. I am learning that the weekends tend be a little more difficult for me, as I am don't have enough to keep my mind from wandering back to the past and jumping forward to the future. It is exhausting to keep myself in the here and now sometimes.

When my little girl and I said our prayers before bed last night, I truly had many things to be thankful for. She is here with me and safe. She has no idea what is truly going on in our world. All she knows is that daddy is not coming home today. He gradually pulled himself out of our lives over months, so this has now become her norm. As sad as it is, it is truly a blessing that she is oblivious to all the chaos and heartbreak around her. She has stopped asking if daddy is going to meet us somewhere, if he is going to have dinner with us or if he will get her up in the morning. Maybe she just knows that the answer I will give her again is “not today honey”.

Somehow, I need to stay focused on the blessings we are receiving daily and let the rest go. As I read on another post, worrying doesn't make anything better or go away. All I can deal with is what is happening right now...I can't change the past and can't make the future go the way I want it to. The most important thing is preserving my little girl's childhood and making sure she feels safe, secure and loved.

I looked into al-anon meetings (we don't have any nar-anon meetings where I live) Though there aren't many meetings , I will try to go to one on Saturday. I have found such comfort and peace from reading the posts here on SR. Knowing that other women have been through this and made it out the other side. That they were able to step out of the muck and see the sunshine is very inspiring.

Thank you again for listening. May God continue to bless you.
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:44 PM
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The most important thing is preserving my little girl's childhood and making sure she feels safe, secure and loved.
What a lucky little girl she is! Bless you.
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Old 01-18-2010, 03:12 PM
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i'm so sorry this is happening for you and your daughter. i think you are a real blessing for her. do what you can to keep the focus on you and her, one day at a time, it will get better.

i am one who feels like i can finally see the light on the other side. yes, it was very hard at first to stay focused but you can do it. from where i sit, i see love and strength written all through your post. i will keep all of you in my prayers.
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Old 01-19-2010, 12:24 PM
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In answer to your question, well, I think SisDebbie said it, but it is more complicated than that. You, if you are like me, live in the fantasy of what the future will be. But, that's what will be if only. There are many "if only's". Also, the times you experienced real connection, they fuel these other times. We also live in the memories of what was.

Ya know what? You can sit on the fence a little while longer. He doesn't have to even know.
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