liz82

I am an ACoA. A very new term for me but I'm trying to read more and learn about what this means. My dad is an alcoholic, he has progressively become worse. About 10 years ago he went into depression and from there he kept drinking and drinking. Their family is genetically inclined to alcoholism. He is only 55 but in the past 2 years he has aged so drastically, he walks like an old man, talks slowly and doesn't register things very quickly. Just after Christmas he didn't/ couldn't drink and he had very bad withdrawal starting with 2 seizures. He was admitted for 9 days and now is home. The same thing happened last year though not as extreme, he didn't go into hospital.
I can't let go. I am the one who runs our family. I'm the eldest and I feel like if I don't look after them, no one will. My mom is not a drinker but she is sick and has extreme scoliosis. She can't drive and has to ask so many favours just to get the little things done cause my dad is constantly drunk. Plus they live in the middle of nowhere. She still works hard to make money. She is very religious and prays for my dad and I know she won't leave him because there is no one else to look after him. We are settled in Africa but we are originally from India so there aren't too many family members etc here who can help take care of him. I am 27 and married but I live quiet far from them. My little brother and sister are in university and I am supporting them financially. My parents don't earn too much and now my dad has had to go on early retirement. That just happened so not sure what he will do sitting at home. I don't think he wants to stop drinking so now this just makes life perfect for him. He is not agressive when he drinks, just passive, sleeps a lot. He is past the stage of causing fights and irritating, just lies around clueless when he is drunk which is everynight. He takes no responsibility in looking after his own self or his family. This dec is the first time I thought I wouldn't mind if he dies but now I've taken that back. I do so want him to get better. He has agreed to rehab at the end of the month. He thinks its 3 months but its actually 4 months and I worry how he will react (he is still sober after the detox a week ago). I don't think he is going there to try get better, just because we asked him to go (which was doctors orders to get him out of this environment). I think he thinks he's too old and far gone, he doesn't see the point. I worry about what will happen when he gets back and doesn't have anything to do. I worry about all the debt and how that will be settled because my mom is married in community and his debt will be her responsibility too. I am too scared to start a family of my own because then I won't be able to dedicate as much time or money to my own family (not necessarily my dad). I worry I will be a bad parent. I went through bad depression begining of last year after his first seizure and all the confusion/ hallucination (at that point I didn't know it was a withdrawal symptom and it was just me and my little sister at home so we had no support). I feel myself slipping sometimes into depression now too, i'm back on my herbal medication and I don't want to become what I was. I am so unsociable, constantly stressed and depressed and worried, I can't laugh or have fun, I'm thinking about how my dad is, how my mom is. It's actually better when he is drinking because then I know there is no point worrying, he is already into it.
Sometimes its all just too much and I just want to disappear. I know I need to detach but there is no one else for them. when he drinks i just let him be, i dont talk to him etc and thats usually many months on end. but then something like this seizure happens and I have to take care of them. I know its bad but when i initially found this site, i wanted to hear about how alcoholics die so i would know there was an end in sight. How do I let go while still loving and taking care of him. So confused and torn.

GiveLove

Liz, I'm glad you're here. Are there any meetings, groups, or counselors specializing in ACOA issues where you are? It was such an important first step for me to find out the truth of my situation -- and to find out that some things I firmly believed were not true (like the fact that the world would crumble if I didn't continue doing what I was doing)

I encourage you to find someone locally that you can talk to - a therapist or counselor who has experience with adult children of alcoholics, and with codependency. And I encourage you to read around this forum, read our stories, read especially the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum, which are full of wonderful resources and suggestions.

You are sinking into depression because you feel trapped - but the more you learn, the more you may see that you do -- truly -- have choices, and that your happiness is every bit as important as the happiness of your family members (which you're working so hard to ensure....to your own detriment). Please stick around, pull up a chair, and join us.

liz82

Thank you for your advice GiveLove. I have looked up Al Anon meetings and will be attending one in the next week.
Right now I really don't feel like I have choices. My only choice is to help him or to cut him off and if I cut him off, I don't want to imagine how he will manage. There were many good years and I was his pet.
I'd rather he dies than I don't take care of him. Just found out he started smoking again, which means the rest will follow shortly.
I have read through many of posts. So many people have it worse, abuse, parents outright using them. I guess in my situation, it isn't like he does anything or expects anything of me. I jsut keep doing it so I place the blame on me not him. That doesn't make things easier.
Thank you for this site. It's getting me through a lot of rough bits

shockozulu

I remember the many years I felt the same way about my mother abusing drugs. I slept better when she was abusing because she was already there so there was little to fear. That was until the last few months of her abuse, when she nearly died from overdosing and going into several comas.

Please know you are not alone in this. If your depression doesn't get better, consider seeing a specialist and discuss medication for your depression. Those medicines literally saved my life.

liz82

Thanks Alera, it helps to know other have been through similar feelings and I'm not necessarily selfish or evil for thinking this.
I am trying to stay positive and hopeful but the constant disappointment keeps bringing me down. This website and the support and stories here are so great. I spend so much time finding comfort from how others have overcome.
I pray with all my heart that he does get better. I'm a control freak so being in this position of not knowing what the future holds or what he is doing right now is highly stressful for me.
I was in depression last year so if I feel that coming on again I will look for help. For now I'm starting Al Anon on Friday. Hope that gives more guidance.

Thanks again

tromboneliness

Not sure if this will help, but to me, the fact that we can't make someone give up booze feels liberating -- because the flip side of "can't fix it" is "don't have to keep trying!" Once I realized that things (read: other people's drinking habits) were completely immune to my efforts to control them, I was able to stop obsessing about them.

If there were a way to make someone stop drinking, we wouldn't hide it -- it would be posted as one of those "Stickies" at the top of the forum, with a subject line: "HOW TO MAKE THEM STOP DRINKING." That would be the only forum message needed, and we could all go home. (Well, on the Al-Anon side anyway -- the ACoA side, we'd still have some work to do!)

Because we CAN'T fix others' drinking problems, we don't have to keep trying. And like hitting oneself on the head with a hammer, it feels great when you stop!

T

liz82

Thanks T,

There is some relief in that I agree. I know deep down that I can't control his drinking and I hate that I am suffering for it. i hate all the conflict in me because of his decisions. I have all these mixed emotions that I can't seem to control either. WHY??? I have some issues at work that could change my career path drastically but such things I handle with no stress, don't think twice about it. I'll make a decision and live with it, but when it comes to my AF (sober for 3 weeks I think), I can't seem to control my thoughts. I keep saying the three C's and I went to my first Al Anon meeting which was also good (except I was crying through most of it) but nothing has really changed inside me. I feel empty and joyless. I look like crap. Everyday I try to find different things, thoughts to calm me down, be it he won't drink today cause he won't get a chance or I can't control it, but the calm doesn't last long. I am scared... about what I'm no longer sure. I am praying and thats prob the only reason I've made it this far, God's strength, but I know I'm not doing the right things to get better. I slept last night saying I'm leaving everything to God, whenever I stress or start feeling down, I will think of God and how He has helped me and that He is in control but I haven't been able to do that even.
How long before we get better and will I last that long. Will it ever get better. Will I ever live my own life. Sorry for the ramble, feeling especially low today.

GingerM

If this isn't helping you as much as you'd like, here's another option. At night, when you lay down all stressed out and wanting to cry, imagine yourself taking each problem you're faced with, one at a time, and putting it on a box (I always see something like a jewelry box, obviously these problems are valuable to me, or they wouldn't be problems).

I name each problem as I mentally put it in the box, then tell myself that tomorrow morning, they will still be in the box waiting for me. Kind of like a stress storage unit. In my mind, I envision myself locking the box so that the problems can't get out. The next morning, guess what? The problems are still there and nothing has changed, but at least I got decent sleep. There is no problem that can't be made worse by sleep deprivation

I wish I had a solid answer for you. Everyone takes their own paths, and some are more meandering than others. How long it takes depends on so many variables that it's not really possible to know.

Will you last that long? It depends on what you mean by "last." Do you mean will you kill yourself first? Do you mean will you go crazy? Do you mean will you throw your hands in the air and walk away? Throwing your hands in the air and walking away isn't always such a bad option.

That's what we're here for. There is no need to apologize. We've all been there, we've all done that, we've all got the tee shirt. On this site, there is never a need to feel badly about feeling badly. If we all felt wonderful all the time, none of us would be here posting. All of us understand that there are "good" days and bad days. It's rare for people to post about the good days - we're here to listen and be supportive on the bad days. No apologizing for feeling what you're feeling!

liz82

Thanks GingerM. Went to church this evening and feel like I got a spurt of energy
Definitley going to try your trick though. And you're right, I'll never know what is to come. I guess I just need to figure how I will react to what does come. Sounds so easy. Sometimes my version of 'last' is really death. Will I die before this comes to an end? Too many disspaointments and relapses makes me feel like death (mine or his) is the only time there will truly be peace. Just need to be strong I guess, and take it one day at a time. I'm so happy I found this site. You guys are such a support!!! thank you.

Prozac

I have been stuck where you are at for many years. My father has never abused me and would give the shirt off his back for me so it was OK. Yet given all of the other damage that was done (causing me to become an adult at 8) and is still expected (although never asked - I'm just expected to fix things, I'm the fixer) I realize it's not healthy.

I know your struggle of responsibility as well though, is it you doing it because you are co-dependant and just doing it, or is it them asking? Attend some Al-non groups read some. I wouldn't be shocked if you find that yes, some of it was just just doing it because they will make a big mess out of it (spurring you want to do more), and as you get/learn to be more hands of them getting quite unsettled at you declining to continue.

liz82

Thats exactly it. If I don't do it no one else will and it will become a bigger mess. Right now he's sober so I can't cut contact. I need to take control and do things for him so maybe it will up his chances of staying sober. I know its necessarily true but if not I'll feel guilty and at the end of the day if he does go back to drinking, the responsibilities he doesn't attend to will just fester and become even worse problems and I'll need to figure out how to fix them.
I hope one day I can start getting more hands of. Planning to see a therapist too cause I can't seem to manage or think straight by myself. Too much stress and worrying to think clearly right now.
Thanks for sharing your story and for the support.

tromboneliness

That's the apparent dilemma: "Maybe it will up his chances of staying sober." That is an illusion. We walk on eggshells in hopes of not upsetting them so they won't drink. We pay their bills for them so bill collectors won't call and drive them to drink. We smooth over this, and we fix that, in the vain hope that if only we can make things perfect enough, they won't drink.

Problem is, none of that works. The alcoholic is either going to drink or stay sober based on whichever choice he wants to make. If we stop taking care of things for them and they drink "because we made them," that's just an excuse they're using. They love to shift the blame onto someone else -- their boss, the bill collectors, us... anyone but themselves. They'll use any lame excuse as to why they have to keep drinking. But we did not make them drink -- really, in the years I lived with my qualifier before she got sober and healthy, never once did I force, beg, plead, or cajole her into taking a drink -- 100% of the time, she drank of her own volition. But at the same time, when I walked around on eggshells, tried to make everything perfect, and took care of things for her, she still drank. No matter how much stuff I took care of, and no matter how much stress I tried to take out of her life, SHE STILL DRANK. It was not within my power to make her stop, or even influence her to stop. She got sober -- albeit with the help of an intervention -- because she wanted to get sober, not because I or anyone else wanted her to.

Repeat after me: "We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it."

T

liz82

Thanks T. I guess I always thought I have to do whatever I can to keep him sober, esp when he's sober. I was feeling quiet good up to two minutes ago. My dad is quiet resource intensive when he's sober. He spends a long time on the phone with you everyday explaining what he's been up to because he does a lot to keep himself busy and away from drinking. I find it straining listening, sometimes I also get a few tasks to do. But I guess there are worse things. I am arranging for him to go to a rehab overseas (somewhere closer to his family). He just texted me to find out if he can get a few days after the rehab is over before he goes to his family. Now I wonder, does he think this is a paid for holiday? He has no one to stay with there. Which means he will pull out cash to stay and shop or whatever. To top it up he is financially messed up anyway, lots of debt and a tiny pension going forward. At times like this I wonder, does he take any of this seriously. I sit and worry about will he have enough money at the end of each month to make ends meet. I can't go to movies, or eat out to save as much as possible. I can't buy a house to start my family with because I have to save to pay my siblings fees. And he is thinking about a few days extra after rehab???!!! Ok maybe he really wasn't doing it to be thoughtless. He did ask in a nice way. Maybe I'm over reacting. I don't know. I just wish I could rip out all my emotions, love and anger, all the stress, everything out of my heart and mind. And I could be clean. Like he had never done all these things, like he didn't exist. Man this sucks. All your posts have helped. I'm handling this a lot better than I would have previously. I can't control his drinking, I can't cure him and I'm not the cause. Even if he is sober now, whatever I do or don't do won't change weather he will stay sober or not cause that decision lies with him. Oh to be normal! I wonder how that feels.

GiveLove

Try to remember that these are choices you are making. They may seem non-negotiable, but never lose sight of the fact that you are choosing to take on these responsibilities.

Are you familiar with the "Hero" type of adult child of alcoholics? (see it here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-family.html ) My late sister was the true Hero of our dysfunctional family, and it contributed greatly to the fact that she is no longer with us. It is from that perspective that I speak so cautiously to you about your drive to rescue and fix.

I'm glad your father is going to rehab. But if he thinks this is a paid holiday, it is because he knows that you have a tendency to take these things on yourself and ALLOW him to think this way, just as your siblings have grown to KNOW that you will pay their fees. My siblings KNEW they could count on my sister to give them money, a place to live, whatever they "needed", and she would feel 100% responsible for delivering that.

( By the way, millions of people all over the world pay their own way through uni. I am one of them. It would not be the end of their natural lives if you said you simply couldn't do it any more, and they would have to rely on work and scholarships and grants to finish. )

Hoping for the best for you and your father.

But especially for you.

You only get one life, and it could end at any time. I hope you will take your own needs, goals, and dreams as seriously as you seem to take everyone else's.

GingerM

Thanks GiveLove. Right now I really needed to 'hear' what you just said.

liz82

You're right. I do have a choice. Maybe I make excuses and make myself believe I don't. Like the fact that bursaries and study loans are difficult to get here. We have tried and at least my sister has one. I do sometimes imagine living my own life, going after my own dreams, having no one depend on me. It feels good in my make believe world.
The truth is I just can't let go. They are good kids and I can't imagine them not getting opportunities cause no one looked out for them they way they deserved. I was lucky my dad got me through varsity (even though he's in debt because of it). You see I play these things in my head and feel guilty and responsible.
And these are the behavious we need to change.
I know if I could make some decisions, understand my motivation and really be clear on it, then I could do it without all these see sawing emotions. Supporting my brother and sister is actually not such an issue, my feeling about my AH and decisions I make and feelings I have around him, those are confusing.
Today I went to see a therapist, the only one I found online that said deals with AoCA. But I really didn't feel much after the first session. I don't think she is an expert in the area, she gave me very little food for thought, and I swear she was falling asleep during our session. either that or she has some sort of sickness of dozing of every once in a while. I felt stupid, like I'm making a mountain out of nothing, why ese would a therapist doze of in a session Maybe there is a good reason and I'm expecting too much of her and of the very first session
Seeing my dad this weekend. Nervous about all the emotions and thoughts that are bound to start soon.